DH & sex…

@randomusername2020 I think in some situations that is good advice but at menopause maybe not so much. If your libido is rock bottom it’s unlikely to improve by having even less sex.

In my own case I struggled with this situation for a long while plus some compounding issues related to my health. However I did see this as a problem for both of us and eventually asked for testosterone therapy in addition to my regular hrt and internal oestrogen cream. You will probably have to ask for it directly and not all GPs are willing ( I found out in advance which GPs were likely to agree). I then had to have an appointment with a menopause clinic and have bloods done before I actually got any treatment ( though it was actually quite quick especially for the NHS).

Going privately is an option too. Once it’s been prescribed by a specialist the GP can take over.

It’s not instant at all and for me it has helped but not made a huge impact. What I’d say is that while I rarely feel like sex I do enjoy it much more when we get going. So I do have to make an effort.

Good luck, this is massively underestimated as an issue. I read recently that ‘up to 10% of women experience loss of libido in menopause’ Judging from my friends’ experiences I’d say it far, far higher.

Exactly this!

How about you both agree to a couple of days and times but you call the shots a day earlier and set things up exactly how you like to be wooed.
You make the romance spontaneous at least once per week.

Just get him a menopause book to read. Something like this:
Menopause for MEN

A friend of mine has similar, and feels like she has entered into some sort of requirement of sex once a month. If she got her way it would be never! She just has zero libido despite HRT.

I'm peri-menopausal but have never really had much of a sex drive. My DH leaves me to do everything whilst he just carries on his routine pretty much how it was pre-kids, so on the plus side you do have a DH that tries to make you happy. But... he shouldn't be doing that just to get sex, which is no doubt what it feels like.

Firstly it's not always the DH not getting enough sex that's the problem. It can often be the other way around. You seem to take as read that it's a male problem, which is an interesting perspective. Many women want sex too.

I agree in principle that wanting more sex than you're getting isn't a good reason to end a stable marriage with children. There should always be more "glue" to a relationship than sex; there should be compatibility and respect and tolerance and that means sometimes putting up with periods without sex. And I absolutely never think anyone, male or female, should coerce or nag or sulk their partner into having sex they don't want.

But I think some posters on this thread are approaching this from the standpoint that wanting sex in a committed relationship is intrinsically selfish or superficial, and that a "good" and "pure" relationship is one where sex has been minimised and is non-existent. As if a good marriage will eventually transcend the need for sex. I just don't see it like that.

Sex is very important to some people and that doesn't make them bad people. And while demanding sex where is unwanted is brutal and demeaning, wanting sex to be a part of your committed relationship doesn't make you an animal or a poor quality partner.

I can absolutely understand why in marriages with children and "infrastructures" (mortgages etc) it's rash and destructive to leave purely due to lack of sex. But you characterise the desire for sex as "wanting to get your leg over" as if this is a selfish and impure motivation which essentially needs to be exorcised in favour of maintaining "family unit".

I do think very long term celibacy within a committed relationship when one person wants sex is ultimately not a sustainable ask. Yes you can and probably should stick it out until your kids have left home. But expecting people to remain committed for life without something that's this important to them is unrealistic.

It’s so reductive to say that a loving relationship, with kids in the
mix, should end if the DH isn’t getting ‘enough’ sex.

Of course sex isn’t the only thing separating a LTR from a friendship. I don’t share children with my friends, their parents aren’t my kids grandparents. I don’t have a mortgage and a life with my friends.

I’m always astonished that someone is willing to blow up their kids lives so they can get their leg over. Lust doesn’t last. It’s more amazing that women have swallowed the line that a lack of libido is something to be medicated. It’s only medicated because it’s a problem for men. Can you imagine men being medicalised to take on more of the mental load? It would never happen.

I get that mismatched sex drives is a couple problem but your husband thinking you owe him sex because he is a good partner in other ways is basically him treating you like a piece of meat. Your on hormones - your hormones are ok it’s him thinking you need to lend your body to him for his own pleasure that’s turning you off.
I think you need some couple’s counselling the therapist will help him readjust his mindset. And if you are allowed to enjoy closest without the threat of it having to turn sexual things might improve.

I totally agree that expecting to have sex a certain number of times a week is a bit coercive. Anyone who is nagging or bullying their partner for sex needs to get in the bin.

But it sounds more as if the DH is just unhappy at the perceived imbalance: that he is still very keen on physical intimacy with his wife and she is obviously only doing it to keep him happy and, left to her own devices, wouldn't bother.

I don't think anyone should have to have sex to keep their spouse happy but by the same token if sex is important to you and your partner signals that it is not to them, you are well within your rights to want to end the relationship.

I couldn't remain in a committed LTR with someone who made it clear they never wanted sex with me again.

It just sounds like this couple is no longer compatible and shouldn't be together tbh.

Me too. Love my DH (though the menopause makes me find him the most irritating person on Earth) but I have no sexual desire for him or anyone else these days.

I have sex with him once a week because he gets stressed and moody if we don't and because I don't want our marriage to die a slow death before I'm through the menopause. Just hoping it eventually passes and I feel more up for it! If not, it'll be something I just put up with once a week in order to maintain my family, as 'transactional' as that sounds.

I think twice a week is more than enough for 2 people who want it. But what I can’t get my head around is that your DH is grumpy if this doesn’t happen. Why can’t he go more than a few days without sex. That isn’t healthy. No wonder you feel like you don’t want it as it feels very forced.

Are you actually saying OP should get medicated so she can want sex twice a week?

In this decade I have a high sex drive and I'd be devastated if dp became uninterested, though in the nature of life I do expect one of us to lose interest at some point. Between 35 and 45 I really wasn't very interested at all and it was always an issue.

Of course do all the helpful things that have been suggested and I hope it works out.

Just to be perverse though I do wish that he could visit the GP for HIS libido... that there was a simple pill he could take that would sort it out for him. (There is, of course - men who have hormone treatment for prostate cancer apparently lose their libido).

I don't think you're in an open relationship space at all. But there is more than one way to do that, if it ever feels more possible in the future.

This. I have a high sex drive, DP is on medication that massively reduces his. If it's been a week or over I can feel myself becoming tense and less connected to him. I try to not be grumpy etc and most of the time I succeed but sometimes we can't help it!

@IaskUanswer

Exactly, there is more to relationship than sex.
Shouldn’t your partner respect that and actually want to be with you, not just for sex.

There is more to a relationship than sex and absolutely no one should be having sex they don't want to keep their partner happy.

But for a lot of people not having sex undermines the overall benefit the relationship brings to their lives and contravenes the logic of being in a LTR. A LTR without some physical intimacy is just a friendship. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that if that's what people want but its patently not the same kind of relationship.

You keep saying that people should want to be with their partner irrespective of sex, as though this is some sort of quality hurdle that people should be expected to clear to demonstrate their commitment to one another. But for most people it doesn't work like that.

Because it's a romantic relationship its conditional and you get to define what's important to you in your relationship. If sex is important to you it's important to you. It's not incumbent upon you to expunge this desire from your psyche in order to experience some sort of "pure" love for your partner.

I don’t want to lose my relationship over the fact I don’t want sex as much as he does. There’s far more to our relationship than that.

Exactly, there is more to relationship than sex.
Shouldn’t your partner respect that and actually want to be with you, not just for sex.
Rather than the person who wants it less/doesn’t want it, having to have sex they don’t want.
I just could never do that/be with someone like that.

I can’t imagine a situation where I would push or force someone to have sex they don’t want with me.
I can’t imaginr a situation where I’d be having sex with someone, knowing they don’t want it/care for it.

I think thats the difference between you and I.

Completely agree. Long term monogamy is a moral concoction but not natural for the vast majority of humans

I also agree, though I often feel glad to be single when I read posts like OP's.

Completely agree. Long term monogamy is a moral concoction but not natural for the vast majority of humans.

@JamSandle

I think that's why many relationships end ultimately. Because a lot of men and women don't have compatible long term sex drives.

Possibly. I don't necessarily think it's always about men having higher sex drives than women though. I think its extremely hard to maintain sexual desire for someone consistently when you're raising children/running a household/doing jobs.

The purpose of a LTR for most people most of the time is to raise kids and that creates a sense of momentum for most people which sustains the relationship through the lack of sexual interest. There are exceptions and sometimes people have a sufficiently strong mental/emotional connection that they don't need anything further but these are definitely the exception.

It's not really natural for most people to remain together for decades with one other person and never have sex with anyone else. It's incompatible with evolutionary design.