Really struggling with life and feel like a failure

OP is struggling and I agree that she deserves empathy and support not people on the internet nitpicking about her finances.

But please, please, please don’t say things like this : “Even if you are on £50k…where I live that is essentially poverty wages”, it’s so so so insensitive.

@strugggling
I can't remember exactly but I was very factual. He lived abroad, was older and had older children. I think I said he did not know how to have a relationship with her being overseas and he was a kind man to help me make her.

I never pushed for contact with her father either although I would have been receptive if he'd shown consistent interest. You are either interested or you're not, in my view.

It really wasn't a big deal for her and, I'm pretty sure, it's because he has never been in her life. She's never lacked for love and attention from my family and I.
I have a few single parent friends, some have good co-parenting relationships and some are horrendous. 'In and out' fathers really mess with their children's heads.

Honestly, look at a childminder. They do tax free too and often a big support to families. It's not too late. Are you close to paying off the debt or car?

Rochnutty · Today 16:00

strugggling · Today 15:52

@pizzaHeart my mortgage is 800. I work from home except twice a month which costs me 70 quid. Childcare is 1,300. Student loans is 300. I have credit card debt interest free which is 110 a month. Car finance of 220. I can’t afford any help.
Sorry I see

So what do buy groceries with? Petrol? Utilities? Clothing? Etc

• She must be using her CMS payment of £350 for that.

It’s tough. Ignore the comments from the clairvoyants on here who know your income and outgoings and say you won’t/shouldn’t struggle. Even if you are on £50k…where I live that is essentially poverty wages when you take into account average housing and childcare costs.

These early years fly back. I know this doesn’t help you in the moment and you are probably rolling your eyes at my simplistic statement but it is true. Blink and your little one will be starting school and as they get older it gets easier. Still challenges but you will start to get more time to yourself.

You’ve asked multiple times. She doesn’t have to share this information. It seems to me that she’s looking for emotional support.

But he'll be away from you 4 days a week? Trust me it will feel different. Use your lunch breaks when you're WFH to do things just for you. Take peaceful walks, watch trash TV, have a bath - whatever you dream of doing right now if you had an hour to yourself.

Is your job very stressful?

Hope you do, it takes minutes to set up. Also maybe self refer to money management scheme, see if you can get any support to strim any bills etc.

Also my two older sons were pretty independent aged 11-12 so don't have the age 17 stuck in your mind.

In your shoes, I'd reduced a 1-2 days per week officially for 1-2 years. This will take some stress off and help you cope. Full time with a small baby, doing day and night care, is gruelling. It may also bring you under the 50K threshold for CHB. Increase your pension contributions also.

Look at tax free or UC for childcare on P/T income.
I also second the childminder advice--tends to be cheaper and may be more flexible with hours or ad hoc babysitting when needed.

OP, my DC's father has zero involvement since she was 5 days old. I have a happy, well-adjusted child who has asked about her father 1-2 times in her life, out of curiosity, as her friends have dads. I am very open with her and we are able to talk about him but there is no emotional connection for her. She does not miss what she has never had and she is aware families come in all shapes and sizes.:)

IMO, it is worse for children who have an 'in and out' parent throughout their lives than a parent who has been fully absent from early on.

Your on more money then us and lots of families, we support two children one in childcare x2 days a week and I don't work? You must have a lot of debt? Can't budget (meal planning) or are a wind up?

As a starting point don't subscribe to anything none essential. Scrap all Tv and such subscriptions.

Take a good honest look at your finances and trim down expenses asap.

Are you claiming the tax element of your child care bill? It's worth it.

OP - sorry you're in this situation.
Will you try to sleep train? That would give you some time.

(Separately, I'm horrified by how many people I see on this site suffering and not willing to sleep train.... And the consequences - other people posting years on, still not getting a full night's sleep with 3-4 year olds. I'm sorry but mothers are people too!!)

Has your little one started nursery yet? Here's a few tips:

• consider a childminder instead, it may cut childcare costs a lot.

• if there's just the two of you in the house and he's not yet walking, how dirty and messy can it get, other than the kitchen at mealtimes? Do a big clean once in a while but otherwise just maintain, and lower your standards a bit if they are high. Ditto with washing- is it really that big a chore with only the two of you?

• in the evenings when he's asleep, batch cook, get organised and get all the shitty jobs out of the way that add up.

• have you tried asking your parents for help? Maybe they don't realise how much you're struggling? They may be willing to take a break from travelling to help out their daughter.

Also not a tip but mat leave can be isolating, especially as a single parent. You may find once you're back to work and you have some time away from DS that it will do you the world of good.