Really struggling with life and feel like a failure

Are you sure you can't claim child benefit. Are you over the threshold after deducting pension?

I've always lived in London and £50,000 seems a enormous wage to me and most people I know locally.

That doesn't mean it's not difficult to live on it if you're single and have high housing costs and other essential expenses. I suppose it's more that there's possibly (not always) more scope for choice on that kind of income, so people on it aren't usually trapped in poverty in the way those on more average incomes might be.

A fact sheet showing the median wage 4 years ago clearly trumps my lived experience 😂

Well yes it does, because it describes actual, objective facts about what most people actually earn/live on, rather than your subjective experience/impressions of what constitutes "poverty wages" (the latter being a function of relative privilege/disadvantage).

(PS I also have lived in London for the last two decades, have children and a mortgage).

Oh ok. I’ve only lived in London my entire life, pay a mortgage and have raised my children here so have no real understanding of the cost of housing, childcare etc.

A fact sheet showing the median wage 4 years ago clearly trumps my lived experience 😂

What I find insensitive is that people in deep financial distress who post on MN are mocked, belittled and accused of being profligate if they earn whatever is considered to be a ‘high’ income by some people without taking their individual circumstances into account

I agree with this.

I truly do not mean to cause upset but I’m being factual. I live in an area where nursery fees are about £2200 for a FT place, average rent £1850 for a 1 bed flat (£3k for a family home). If you earn £50k, have a child and rent you are on a low income relative to the average around here and could easily find yourself struggling to put food on the table

Sorry but I’m absolutely not going to accept that an income of 50k constitutes “poverty wages” in any part of the country. here’s some data on the median household income by London borough from 2019, obviously it is a few years out of date, so will be a little higher now .

https://www.towerhamlets.gov.uk/Documents/Borough_statistics/Income_poverty_and_welfare/Household_Income_2018_Factsheet.pdf

I didn’t intend to cause any offence.

What I find insensitive is that people in deep financial distress who post on MN are mocked, belittled and accused of being profligate if they earn whatever is considered to be a ‘high’ income by some people without taking their individual circumstances into account.

There are always race to the bottom type responses along the lines of “how dare you complain, I have to survive on £13k..”

I truly do not mean to cause upset but I’m being factual. I live in an area where nursery fees are about £2200 for a FT place, average rent £1850 for a 1 bed flat (£3k for a family home). If you earn £50k, have a child and rent you are on a low income relative to the average around here and could easily find yourself struggling to put food on the table.

Obviously it’s a completely different story in other parts of the country and I do not think £50k in and of itself is a low wage.

I'm sorry you’re struggling and parenthood hasn’t worked as you had hoped.

Try not to worry about long term though- anyone with older children will tell you that it feels like the days are long but the years are short when they are little.

I agree re trying to find other parents in a similar situation. Is there any free or low cost play groups you could go to until you are back at work? Any baby classes for weekends when you are off work?

As an aside, have you thought about getting any counselling. IAPT is self referral in my area so you don’t need to go to the dr or anything and can often do over the phone or on zoom. It may help your feelings of hopelessness.

i reduced child care costs by working condensed hours so essentially full time but in 4 days rather than 5? Might this be an option?

you say your parents are always travelling- just wondering if they may be able to help financially if not practically? Could they pay off your debt or car finance? Even if you pay them back after your dc gets some free hours at nursery.

Good luck op, the early years can feel relentless but it does get easier and you find you have time to breathe.

Your child will get older and get more involved and the two of you will have more fun together than you ever thought possible! Everyone finds it all hard but you’ve been beaten down too so of course you can’t see any breaks. Your ds will not be bored, you are his life and any smile, playtime, walks etc you have with him, they’re all he ever wants. Try and do anything nice for yourself tonight, a treat of any kind and try to enjoy any time with your son. We all forget that but. Go easy on yourself and so t be looking 17 years into the future, we never know what life can hold x

It might be worth asking your health visitor if there are any support organisations in the area like Homestart, who could provide a volunteer to help out for a couple of hours, On your day off work or weekend it would be worth finding a group or activity to get you out of the house regularly.

I’m so sorry you are so low. What would be the best support we can give you right now? Not everything is about money.

Claim cb until April. If you have been on ml unlikely ti be over the threshold for this tax year. Even if you were you would not repay until January 2025.

@strugggling
Easier said than done but befriending other single parents was a godsend for me.
I also had a really supportive family nearby but appreciate this may differ for you.
I'm sorry you're so lonely--can you contact to a friend to come over for a cup of coffee or glass of wine? Someone you can have a good talk with? Hugs, OP.

@strugggling hope you understand why I’ve asked about figures as they’ve changed the picture completely. I can’t give a very detailed advice, just wait a bit, it gets easier.
I agree with @Tohaveandtohold it’s about being squeezed middle, it’s much harder then it looks as there are certain expectations e.g car but not much help and the electricity bill will be the same for one person in the room or for 3. I hope you’ll get some advice regarding cost of childcare and what you are entitled to. It will get easier and it won’t be like this forever, get any advice you can and any help you entitled to. And remember that kids are not bothered about expensive activities, simple and free is fine.

It is tough. I very much recharge by being on my own and I found having a small child very hard going - they're so all-encompassing. And I had a partner who was happy to give me a break.

I think you'll find being back at work will help. The peace when you get back home from drop off and can just open your laptop and use your brain is such a relief! Definitely consider a childminder to save a bit of money, or if you've found a good nursery ask if any of the staff babysit as they often do, and you'll get to know them which feels less scary. One of my son's old keyworkers babysits for us.

Use your lunchbreaks to get some fresh air or do something for you - I love a quick drive to the garden centre or do a nearby cafe. As your child gets older they'll sleep better and you'll have more free time and be less tired.

I earn close to what you do and money would have been extremely tight if I'd been a single parent when my son was in nursery. I worked out on days I was commuting into London I earned about £10. High mortgage, high nursery fees, and you've got debt too - I completely understand the struggle. 50k sounds like a lot but it's not in an expensive area.

https://www.gov.uk/tax-free-childcare

I’ve not heard of this. What’s the stipulations? I must say I find it all to be very confusing

It will get easier!!!!

Also. The child benefit calculation are done on tax years.

So if you go back to work in November. You may be eligible until the the start of the new tax year in April. As your mat leave may have taken your average earnings under for this tax year if lower then normal?

It's natural to feel like it's relentless and forever when you're on your own with a baby, even a beautiful, much-loved baby, day and night.

It does change though, quite quickly, and it should get easier especially if you're able to make a few small changes like the suggestions above. I think using your lunch break for a bath/walk/chat with a friend (try trusting a friend or two about how you're in need of some company and distraction) is really important. Also, a childminder might be able to give you a little time after work to wind down also. Cutting a day of work a week, if it's possible, could make a big difference, though of course that might not be possible.

I sit with an electric blanket or hot water bottle when seeing clients online at home. But remember it's only while your childcare expenses are so high. It will get easier.

In the meantime, small steps to find social support and rest for yourself can make all the difference.

I know you posted about emotional and practical struggles.

But someone else mentioned above about child benefits. Are you aware that the rules are that the tapering off of the amount of cv received is 50 AFTER pension contributions.

So if you earn 52,000. And pay 5% pension. So 2600 per annum. Then your income before tax but after pension is less then 50k so you are eligible for the full amount of child benefit.

You still can get SOME all the way up to 60k. Have you put your figures into the calculator? Its not a hard cut off point at 50k.

It sounds tough. But being back at work will give you some physical and mental space from your child. And you can evaluate where you go from there. Things do get easier.

Tax free childcare will give you around £400 on those childcare costs - have a look at what else you can reduce to give you a bit of wiggle room. I know things feel very tight but you’re buying a house, which is a great asset to have and putting a chunk of money into a pension. By any means you’re far from poor, despite your disposable income being tight just now.

Sit down and cost everything out, plan things like meals and spending, look for cheaper childcare options. You have very little in the way of commuting costs - do you need to run a car just now? There’s a way through it but just now you’ll not be able to see it. Who gives you emotional support? That’s often what makes things much harder.

OP I’m so sorry to hear you are having a rough time. It will get easier. The crazy child care expenses are only for a couple of yrs (before 30 hrs kicks in) and the tax free child care will help. Your little one will get easier and less dependent. You will have time to yourself again. You may find returning to work is a relief. It will give you some space, and a sense of yourself as an independent human again. Most jobs are also far more relaxing/ less taxing than looking after a baby/ toddler, so work hours should feel like a bit of rest bite as well. At least that’s how it was for me xx

@strugggling , no CMS. He lives abroad in a country that has no reciprocal child support agreement. He has never contributed and I have never asked him because I feel he would have used it as form of control and abuse.