Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my job/grievance with HR

108 replies

StrongTea22 · 01/10/2023 10:32

For context, pre kids I had a similar situation with a manager within the same wider organisation.

I’ve triggered an absence trigger at work (4 times in 1 year) half of it unfortunately Covid. Front facing public role, career grade and professional standards in place.

my manager is a bully. I’ve managed to manage becoming a target but I think it’s taken me this long to develop some assertiveness skills which she hasn’t taken to well.

basically she has been negligent in some of the processes and logging of Absence and policy which I have objected to and we had a meeting with HR a few weeks ago.

The meeting was hard and they began by asking about my well being. I said I was well but wanted advice on mitigating covid within the organisation and what steps were in place to support staff with the public.

this was discussed and then I got to ask about some of the areas I objected to and received two apologies. I had to be massively assertive which I don’t find easy.

THe HR rep was very combatant and when id received my second apology and was wiped out being assertive I was asked again about my well being.

my response was …are we goi g to talk about that now? I thought we’d talked about that?

They both got very insistent saying that was the purpose of the meeting but I felt I’d already been asked and answered appropriately.

I wasn’t refusing to answer, I wasn’t rude, insulting, defiant and I did not break any code of conduct or professional standards only for the HR woman to basically say something like ‘you’re talking to your manager and I suggest you watch your tone’

Now this completely knocked the wind out of my sails for a second as that is not how I was acting (and I checked with a colleague in attendance who would have told me).

I think my manager struggles being challenged and this meeting was very much ‘get back in your box’ and that the HR lady had been waiting for an opportunity to give me this sort of warning at my managers behest.

AIBU to be outraged about the HR person? Tone policed for…I aren’t sure what, reflecting out loud?

we had a break afterwards and I am at the stage now where I don't think it will be good for me to continue working there.

How do I manage this going forward? I can ask to reduce my hours but it’s unlikely to be agreed as they can’t recruit.

Any insight to role of HR welcomed.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrongTea22 · 01/10/2023 16:09

This.

This is exactly it. I have challenged my manager yes…and please remember she us had to apologise (privately) twice already within this meeting.

perhaps instead of me assuming I’m at fault (how can I not as a people pleaser OF COURSE it’s me) we can look at the power dynamic within this and consider the abuse of power that bullying managers get to get away with especially with HR in tow.

No job, unless it’s the army requires complete compliance and deference. Managers should be held accountable. I was professional, calm and considered in my response. I am a professional and I expect to be treated as a competent adult when discussing things relating to my absence management when it’s been done incorrectly. Not been told to watch my tone.

Would it have been better to not have pulled her up on it and avoided been seen as assertive for daring to challenge her authority and the inaccuracies made?

My first reaction was to ask if I’d deserved the response and my colleagues response was a very firm NO. So even if I don’t believe it myself…I believe her.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrongTea22 · 01/10/2023 16:01

Yeah I don’t think that was the case to be honest. It was said gently and in all honestly IF these meetings are to support people in an already difficult situation with a manager why would you add to that.

I wasn’t being combative but can see why you mean here, almost saying let’s not bother.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrongTea22 · 01/10/2023 15:59

I’m very self aware. Honestly, my first reaction is to blame myself and I have struggled with been a people pleaser and as an actual adult now I know this is NOT the case in this scenario.

I’ve been assertive. That’s it.

OP posts:
PortalooSunset · 01/10/2023 15:44

"my response was …are we goi g to talk about that now? I thought we’d talked about that?"

Could be seen as combative. I've had sickness meetings with management/HR. In our organisation it's very much about supporting the staff member and anything the organisation can do to help that. These meetings are absolutely all about wellbeing. So being told "we're done with that" by the person they're trying to help is a slap in the face.

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/10/2023 11:11

The meeting was hard and they began by asking about my well being. I said I was well but wanted advice on mitigating covid within the organisation and what steps were in place to support staff with the public.

You didn’t discuss your well being though, you said you were fine and changed the subject. It’s reasonable, at a meeting about workplace absence, to discuss your wellbeing.

I think when someone finds it difficult to be assertive it’s easy to misjudge tone which can sounds more aggressive or confrontational than intended. If you think the HR person had been asked to address your tone by your manager it suggests there have been other times your time has been perceived as being “off”. Maybe take some time to reflect on what you’re bringing to the difficulties with your manager as well as where they’re at fault?

Totaly · 01/10/2023 11:00

HR are there to protect the company not you.

Ring ACAS for advice on going forward.

The more knowledge you have the better.

Wakeywake · 01/10/2023 10:57

It's not inappropriate for the HR person to police your tone, if it was unprofessional. Whether you were rude or not, no one can say just from your one sided description. It's easy to come across as rude when you aren't used to being assertive.

vivainsomnia · 01/10/2023 10:36

Well either both don't like you and are in a mission to make your life difficult, or you do come across rude without meaning to and lack awareness.

I have to say my first reaction reading your response, without obviously hearing how it was said, was that I could see how it could have come out rude.

It's not always easy to find the right tone between assertiveness and rudeness.

Swipe left for the next trending thread