Feeling like nursery are really pushing to label my son

Waiting is a skill and there are different ways to make adjustments. Our nursery- who as I said I didn’t sufficiently appreciate at the time-found that DC struggled with waiting it and handled it by letting him go first on days that were ‘bad’; within the first five on better days. Rarely or never last. But they didn’t segregate 🤷‍♀️

I would be concerned about the need to strap (ie physically restrain) a child!
why does he have to be segregated?

They used my private SALT report to get 1:1 funding for him and yet it feels like he’s automatically not included in things the other kids are doing because it’s known he’ll struggle.

I do think nurseries and preschools often take the piss when it comes to claiming for extra funding, then using said funding to pad out their coffers and not on meeting the needs of the child.

It’s frustrating when “professionals” refuse to see your side, which is where it sounds like your post is coming from.

My dd had a teacher who seemed to pick on a couple of dc per year and diagnose them. His son is severely autistic so he felt he was an expert. While I appreciate he had knowledge, dh and I felt invisible to him and what he described was so different to what we’d seen. He actually told us all her previous teachers had done us a disservice by lying to us. That was said in front of the head teacher. she was in year 4 and the family psychiatrist assessed her, sen lead assessed her and they found nothing.

year 5 we went to parent’s evening early on and the teacher said “I’ve been looking over these notes from last year and I have to say I’m really confused because I’ve not witnessed anything her previous teacher mentions. Could you talk me through so I can try to understand?” We were like “actually no because we never understood it either. Can we just start from scratch and go with your observations because last year was really hard?” And that’s what we did.

Dd is now year 11 and that teacher stopped teaching 2 years after she’d had him and part of that was his constant desire to diagnose dc.

while there are many experts who can advise, it’s good to keep an open mind but you know your dc best so use all the information to steer you.

"That's why I’m so passionate about ND kids being diagnosed. They don’t need to be in need of support at primary school to warrant it. At some point, they deserve to know who they are. Not spend the first fifteen years of their life trying, but failing, to fit in with their neurotypical peers."

This. So much this! It's exactly why I've been fighting to get my bright 6yo assessed.

Or, indeed, do they think that autistic kids can’t be academically able or gifted?

They can: it’s what the Americans like to call twice exceptional.

My autistic girl has just started grammar school, where she’s on the SEN register. The main reason I wanted her to go there was because I figured they’d have a lot of experience with the kind of brainy ND kid that gets passed over in comprehensive schools. I was right. Because there are a lot of brainy, quirky kids out there with autism, whether their parents are aware or not. Sometimes secondary school is when the wheels fall off and, after a mental health crisis, they get a diagnosis.

Look around MN and you’ll find so many threads where parents of secondary age kids say they’re finally seeking a diagnosis, despite knowing for years that their child was probably autistic, but because they were “fine” and “not struggling with anything”. Except now they weren’t fine and life was incredibly hard.

That's why I’m so passionate about ND kids being diagnosed. They don’t need to be in need of support at primary school to warrant it. At some point, they deserve to know who they are. Not spend the first fifteen years of their life trying, but failing, to fit in with their neurotypical peers.

Sorry @Dumbledormer that’s kind of off topic and not levelled at you directly.

Honestly, just work with the nursery on this. At the end of the day, if your son isn't autistic he won't get a diagnosis of such but there is no harm in exploring the concerns that nursery have. I would let nursery do any referrals they feel are necessary and attend appointments. Eventually your son will either go down the diagnostic pathway, or he won't. He won't end up labelled with something he doesn't have.
And if nursery are happy to put strategies in place to help his development this can only be a positive thing. Does he have an IEP?

OP, my daughter was very prem. It took years for her to 'catch up.' She didn't speak until she was 3. She had physio and hydro physio weekly- this helped improved her spatial awareness. She tiptoe walked but the physio helped with this.

I am not in a position to comment on the SEN needs but I can say that it took a long time for her to catch up with the other kids. When she started school, she was, by far, the smallest child in the school. However, the school took this into account and they were brilliant; they took into account that developmentally, she wasn't in the same place as the other children.

@HeadAgainstWall0923 you've totally described my DS. No meltdowns or tantrums at home he was good as gold but when he started school he would hide under the desk and refuse to engage.

My ds's nursery did this. He wasn't SEN in the end, just a very, very high needs kids with speech delay due to maternity not cutting his tongue tie.

HV sounds woefully misinformed. Some autistic children mask, some don't. Home is usually a less challenging environment, calmer with more one to one attention and the presence of their main carer(s) who they know and trust. It makes sense that nursery/preschool would be more challenging. And I would say that a 2yo is probably incapable of masking whereas a 6yo, for example, may well be able to mask (mine does).

Do you think autistic people can't get degrees abroad?!

🙄

Some children do indeed mask outside the home and let it all out in their safe space, but every autistic child is different. I had the opposite experience to you OP. I knew my DC was autistic but was told for nearly 10 years, by numerous teachers, heads. Drs etc. that I was wrong. My child is now diagnosed and not in school, partly due to the damage done by years spent masking. However, if you met them you would have no idea they were autistic....

You need to remain open to BOTH options, OP.

Autism doesn't necessarily look like you think it is. The staff are trained and have experience of other children with needs, you don't.

You seem like to want to bat all of the concerns away and insist there is no issue but you need to accept that there may be.

If staff agree when he starts school then you need to get him assessed, in my opinion. That might not be what you want but it is what's best for him.

Hi OP. Nursery incorrectly labelled one of my kids. But they could have been right. I guess what I’m saying is keep an open mind. No harm will come from investigating further.

I would take all the referrals offered and see.
My DD has Aspergers it was diagnosed when she was 6. I had previously had concerns and dismissed them as not being "enough " to get a Dx .
As she got older the differences became more apparent.
Having said this she is very intelligent and has a masters in computer science and is living independently with a well paid programming job and a good social life with understanding friends and partner.
I feel that the diagnosis and subsequent help received enabled her to manage so well.

TBF my ds just got mostly 9's in his GCSE's and is predicted all A*'s in his A-levels and will be going to uni next year - but he's still autistic. He wasn't diagnosed till just before secondary school OP and this is when it tends to become much more obvious. Before that I had no idea and it was never suggested to me by anyone - until his teacher went on a course and just had an inkling.

Two is very young either way and unless it was very severe I think they'd be reluctant to diagnose at this age - but it might be worth starting the process just because it is likely to take a very long time to get anywhere.

Thank you for taking my post in the spirit it was intended. And I’m glad my analogy made sense!

Just remember that no child will be misdiagnosed with autism. It’s far more likely for kids to slip through the net and not be diagnosed. Keep learning what you can (I threw myself into all sorts of things: Instagram accounts, podcasts, you name it. It really helped me to throw off all the misconceptions I had) because some of it may start to resonate.

And above all else, just get on with your life as you navigate your way through all this.

Honestly, all of us probably go through a massive stage of denial. I know I did. Because I didnt see it. I watched all the videos on tiktok etc of 'Signs my DC were autistic', and none applied to DD. She didnt stim, thrived on routine changes, affectionate with great eye contact. She did have speech delay, and the SALT was the first person who asked if I had considered it. They even said that you would never pick DD out in a room as being ND.

But she is. And nothing actually changes with that, only now I know her brain just works a bit differently, and that then means I know I have to advocate for her to get her the right support. As she has got older, she too has come on leaps and bounds with her development and speech, but other ASD symptoms came with it. I feel like they go hand in hand.

Similar story to yours. DS was speech delayed and showed other traits that were picked up as possibly ND by nursery but had been missed by us - or rather we had not entertained the idea because he didn't fit the classic description. He was formally diagnosed at the age of 7 with ASD. The advice we were given was to wait and see. Too hard to tell sometimes in the early years - could be autism, could be speech & language disorder, difficult to tell when they are so young. DS also hit many developmental milestones - language developed at roughly the right age but still using single words at the age of 3.5 years. Responded to his name, made eye contact, engaged in reciprocal play with his sister and us etc etc. I'm glad we waited, and I'm glad we went for formal diagnosis when the time was right.

I think for a nursery to be picking it up I'd take it seriously. They are frequently dismissive of parents concerns over ASD

I agree with this - my eldest is autistic and his nursery had some concerns early on but didn't say anything. We were first time parents and hadn't really been around other kids the same age so weren't aware quite how differently he was developing from his peers. Given the 3 year waiting list for an ASD assessment in our area, I really wish they hadn't sat on it for so long.

HVs have massive caseloads and unfortunately sometimes go for the 'wait and see' approach under pressure to keep waiting lists down.

OP, if it turns out to be nothing, by the time you get to the top of waiting lists your DC will have caught up with peers and no harm done.

I used to work with a HV team and on one occasion was asked by a Nursery Manager to visit the home of a 2.5 year old boy who they suspected to have autistic traits.

The purpose of my visit was to meet the parents, discuss any concerns they had and do some observations of the child in his normal and familiar environment.

During my time there the child acted and behaved in a way that I considered to be completely typical behaviour for a child that age and nothing stood out as being off, or worrying. I left the house quite perplexed as to why the nursery had raised concerns.

However, about a week later I went in to his nursery setting to observe him in that environment and it was like I was watching a completely different child. He was fixated on certain objects or jobs and would be oblivious to other activities, he wouldn’t play or interact with the other children, he wouldn’t look at or engage with staff, he was always playing on his own and wanting to remove himself from the other children (hiding in corners for example) and I noticed he was constantly putting toys in his mouth and licking them. I spent about an hour with him and could completely understand why the nursery staff had raised concerns.

Like I said, it was like I was observing a completely different child to the one I had observed in his home and when with his family.

He was referred to Portage for further assessment and he was diagnosed.

As many other posters have said, you only have experience of your child whereas the nursery staff have no doubt worked with 100’s of children so they will easily be able to tell when something just doesn’t seem right with one. They will especially recognise atypical behaviours in relation to you son when it comes to how young children communicate with and interact with other children in large numbers which again is something you perhaps won’t have been exposed to if you haven’t spent time observing him yourself in the nursery setting.

I would take on board their concerns and work with the staff rather than try and push their concerns aside.

If there are concerns that are justified then the earlier they are recognised and managed then the far better outcome for your son.