Feeling like nursery are really pushing to label my son

Nursery aren’t pushing to label your child they are pushing to get some help and support to assist in giving your child the best possible start in life.

at our nursery, the keyworker will speak to the lead key workers before speaking to a deputy then the manager who all have input in speaking to parents before asking for outside help to support some children.

it’s not done on a whim and it’s carefully handled too. Take all the help given.

id listen to the nursery over the HV any day.

Maybe move nurseries and don't tell the new one where he was before so they don't transfer notes, you'll soon see if they notice anything or if he flies in a new setting. That way if they do raise concerns you know it's not due to prior labelling.

Well, first of all don’t panic. Autism is a tricky one sometimes and I think you can tie yourself in knots looking for traits. Nursery may or may not be right but it’s been raised so it’s worth bearing in mind. Toddler ages are tricky because they all develop at different rates and they all have their quirks.

Fwiw, 15 years ago my godson’s nursery said they thought he was autistic as he liked to line up cars at nursery. He’s not. Most recently my friend’s nursery have said they think her nearly 3 year old son may be autistic, similar things to your son actually but there are other home factors that can explain things like his speech delay and also he was a covid baby so not much socialising etc. Her HV also says she doesn’t think so but I guess time will tell. My point is, sometimes nurseries are right, sometimes they’re wrong but keep an open mind.

OP please don’t feel as if you need to keep apologising. Sometimes I think people forget how this can all feel at the beginning. It’s not easy.

I would be inclined to give nursery (who presumably have a lot of experience and know your child well) more credence than the HV who just sees a snapshot.

FWIW my DS is autistic and while I had the odd concern (it’s hard early on because there is so much crossover between ASD traits and just being a small child!) it was preschool that flagged it within six months and they were 100% right. I’m glad they did, and I’m glad I listened.

I work in a nursery - I think sometimes it's is easier to see the signs in a nursery setting, seeing how children react in group environments, around other children, with change and routines etc. There has not been one child we have been concerned about that hasn't been diagnosed.

It's such a big thing to get your head around but you need to accept it's not about labelling your child, it's recognising there are some things they are finding harder and a diagnosis let's you access things to help your child and help them day to day in the setting.

Based on your update I’d be looking elsewhere too OP. I mentioned upthread that nursery had incorrect suspicions about one of my DC and ASD. But their approach was very kind and understanding and I felt they always accommodated him well and gave me as much positive feedback as they possibly could as well as raising the things they were concerned about. Having concerns about a child does not need to mean giving you constant negative feedback about him.

My now 14 year old son is autistic. I was in denial about it for years. I’m not saying your son is but equally if he is he is and being in denial won’t change it. He’ll be the same person no matter what. Try and think of it not as a label but if there is a diagnosis of something that will help your son access support if he needs it in years to come

Nursery are pushing their opinion that my son is autistic when other professionals are not in agreement and is that not giving an undiagnosed child a label?

Nursery are 'pushing' their opinion? Again, like 'labelling', this sounds very negative. It sounds like your son has a nursery that is concerned, and expressing those concerns (as they should). It's much easier for them to ignore.

Also, if your child was suspected by a doctor as having diabetes, but a different doctor disagreed, would you blame the first doctor for 'pushing their opinion onto you and trying to 'label' your child? No - they'd be raising it from a place of concern and duty. Just as the nursery is.

I'm a teacher and it's amazing how my parents refuse to listen when we raise concerns that their child may be ASD or ADHD or dyslexic... poor kids could have really done with support much earlier.

Look at it this way - which could be more harmful... listening the the nursery and investigating the possibility of neurodiversity? Or ignoring them? Which might you regret more?

Well I wish my nursery had been this diligent about my son. I pushed them for ages as was convinced my son was ASD, and they denied it every time, adamant he's neurological. He's now in Receptipn, really struggling, and the HV says she has no doubt he's neurodiverse. I would be grateful that your nursery are doing something- it's easier for them not to.

Oh and kids can present very differently at home compared to school/nursery. My son is an angel at home but struggles with the school/nursery setting. It's only there that his neurodiversity is really obvious.

This also happened to one of my DC.

Another one only said 2 words by his 2nd birthday. Both are NT

I agree, keep your mind open to both outcomes

Other professionals? HV doesn't count.
Any professional worth their salt - including SLT and others - should be saying that they can't diagnose and can't tell you either way, because an assessment must be done by a multidisciplinary team, and it is very early to be diagnosing, too.

Nursery are raising a concern, they are most likely noticing it and seen it many times. Btw please don't use the word 'label' I have two children with autism and it's highly offensive to consider them 'labelled' children. It's a disability, many have it, every single person with autism is different and without further investigation you'll never know. What the worst that can happen? They don't get labelled! I tell you what really boils my piss, kids in yr 2/3 clearly autistic and struggling and parents not wanting to accept they need a diagnosis and support.

OK, OP, so now you've said more about what nursery is doing, I still think they might be right to suspect neurodivergence, but if you feel that their approach to DS is not as positive and supportive as you would like, YWNBU to consider moving nurseries. You should still go ahead with any assessments or referrals that are suggested, though.

Jellycats4life completely agree with everything you have written. Prompt diagnosis is so incredibly important.

We had similar. They were so pushy to label him.

It was ridiculous. Meetings, 1:1s, EHCP, "intervention" and observations. The council were involved and went to nursery to "observe". It was endless.

DS started school. No more issues.

He even saw a consultant who ruled out everything and said "this is happening all the time. They get younger and younger. I spend most of my day with 9 healthy and happy children. And then 1 child comes in who clearly needs a diagnosis"

Don't stress OP.

Our school Reception Teacher said that she finds nursery workers busy bodies who like to prove they're the experts in this stuff to try and prove they're worth better pay.

I thought it was rather harsh at the time. I don't share that view.

I've been through this when nursery brought up concerns about my child at the age of 3.
He's now 7, under the school senco and awaiting assessment/diagnosis (waiting list is 2 bloody years.)
I specifically remember them saying that he didn't want to sit down at story time and instead wanted to go outside and play the whole time and thinking well, he's 3 and that's normal? And it can be normal for some children. But as he's gotten older he's struggled with school and I'm now grateful that school want to help him. Years ago kids probably would have just been told off for not being able to sit still whereas he gets offered fidget toys and wobble cushions to sit on!

I really still do not feel like there's anything majorly wrong with my son when we're at home together and he seems happy. I'm aware his attention span isn't great but it's not an issue at home. However at school it's a completely different environment and like nursery, it tends to be those environments where children struggle the most and it's the reason people sometimes choose to homeschool neuro-diverse children. I see it like the education system and who my child is aren't compatible, but between me and his teachers it's our job to make the school experience better adapted for him in little ways so he can succeed. And diagnosis can help assist with that.

It is a lot to get your head around at at the start but I've found that I'm actually grateful for potential "labels" because otherwise my child wouldn't be understood properly in school.

Does the health visitor see your DS when he is around other children? My DS (ASC diagnosis) was very different with an adult - especially one to one, especially a familiar adult like me, especially an adult who was very focussed on him and good with children like a health visitor - from how he was in a group with other children, especially a busy group. Does your DS have sibs?

she said he would be worse at home than at nursery as autistic kids often mask. It’s helpful to read this isn’t always the case.

Yes, some autistic kids can and do mask. That's recent understanding, but many can't and don't, that's the oldfashioned knowledge that was used to spot kids with ASCs. The HV has thrown the baby out with the bathwater.

The thing is, the things that bother your DS are the same kinds of things that bother kids who have ASCs. Better to pick it up now than later. Some kids are naturally calmer and don't hit out but still have ASCs, for other kids aggression (or other big problems) start later, when the demands and expectations go up and they are feeling more frustrated and anxious.

One my nephews was very prem. He doesn't have an ASC diagnosis as such but he does have a range of issues that include some ASC characteristics. It's not so much about the diagnosis or label it's about identifying the support he will need to learn and grow and socialise.

Also to add DD occasionally goes through periods of trying to wollop other children. Never have I been made to feel guilty or have they implied DD is a problem child - they acknowledge its a form of communication, worked out what the trigger was (other children crying), always could then swoop in to stop it in advance and work with her on explaining emotions etc.

It might be worth looking at other nurseries if thats an option? If not, ask for a meeting with the nursery manager and SENCO and ask for a written report on what they are doing to support DS.

I wouldnt be happy with this at all. At worst, my nursery needs to be reminded to keep me in the loop with things like IEPs but they do everything they can to include DD3 e.g. sensory rooms when she's overwhelmed, working with her on communication, using ear defenders etc. Your nurseries approach sounds really dismissive.

I would remove him immediately. Something sounds wrong.

Find another nursery - he might be neurodivergent, he might not be, but your gut is telling you something here.

Hmm, nursery might be wrong. And I say that despite having DC who are neurodivergent, and knowing quite a bit about autism.

Something just doesn’t sound right. None of the nursery staff are qualified to diagnose and they should be very careful not to cross the line and fancy themselves as medical professionals when they are not.

You can get staff in education, or in health and social care, who just really overdo it sometimes and overstep the mark (I have a disabled sister who has spent a long time in residential care, and my DM has had to deal with a few managers like this over the years)

Is this coming from one particular manager?

Is moving your DS to a different nursery or child minder an option for you?

Hmm… reading your update, OP, it does sound like overkill.
are you sure this nursery is the right place for him? It’s the fact that you only ever hear negative feedback that I’m concerned about.
it’s ok (and perhaps even quite helpful) for them to query autism if they’re seeing some signs. At the same time it’s surely very difficult at this age to be able to tell. I’d imagine by the time he is 3 things will be clearer, but at 2, their language is developing at such different rates and that’s ok. I don’t like the sound of them segregating him. If he’s got some issues they sound very subtle and not major problems. If you have any doubts you could look into alternative childcare arrangements and see what else is out there?
when my dd went to a forest school nursery, I only ever got negative feedback about her there. Got positive feedback from her playgroup who found her delightful. She can still remember forest school and says she hated it. (Unsurprisingly she liked playgroup). They were so fixated on toilet training and the only feedback I ever heard was about that. Literally nothing else. I’m not saying your son is unhappy at his nursery, not at all. But just that he still has another couple years til school and maybe if this place is making you uncomfortable you should think about changing. Even if he does have ASD do they need to make such a song and dance out of it? Even kids without neurodivergence wander about when they’re not meant to. He’s only two! At that age the ND isn’t necessarily as big an issue because less is expected of them as at school. It makes me wonder if this nursery is running too tight a ship and not the right fit for your son? I realise nurseries do have to be super organised to run smoothly but maybe they’re too fixated on kids ticking boxes. Surely it should be a place where he can just “be himself” before the more formal learning of school. I could be wrong, but just a thought.