Son has stolen cash from me again

You are very limited in what you can do right now. You are correct that he has rights, and also that if you go overboard in punishments things will get worse.

The first steps you need to make are to protect yourself. Keep no money in the house. Keep minimal money in the account which the card is linked to. Keep it in a linked savings account that can only be accessed inline. When you need the money, transfer it over. Annoyingly tedious but y not as annoying as having your money stolen.

Get everything of value out of the house. Jewellery, sentimental items, financial documentation. Get a safe deposit box and keep it there. Your safe is obviously not safe enough.

Bring in meals at the table if you feel up to it and don't currently do it. You have to reconnect somehow and that might be the opportunity to start.

Turn the internet off at a reasonable time. Try to discuss it with him and get agreement if possible, maybe just extend by 30 mins if he is resistant to it to show you are at least listening to him. Write down other house rules (not including chores). Give him some minimal pocket money just for house rules.

Then give him the opportunity to earn additional pocket money with chores. Set no expectations as to him doing the chores. He probably won't.

I know you wish he was sociable and did all those other activities (including smoking weed?!) but that is not your son.

He may never want to do those other activities. Maybe he would like to try some esports? Or creating mods for games he plays? It's worth a try at least. If nothing else it might lead to an interest in coding for him (players make modifications to existing games, and allow other players to use them, some of them can earn money from this).

I wish you luck, at least while he's not susceptible to peer pressure from friends in the area be grateful that he's not as likely to go down the taking drugs route.

There is a lot going on other than the stealing . You have Ss and family support worker involved ..

I have been in a similar position to you- FSW was crap - didn’t visit if aggressive.

don’t have the answers but my Ds told someone he was going into care … I pointed out that the bar was so high to get a place in care the care and home I provide for him he wouldn’t even register on their list. It somehow stopped him battling for this thing he wanted to achieve for reasons best known to him .

You need to sell his Xbox. You are coming across as a pushover. He needs to know your serious- mother of three sons now over 18.

Make the complaint

I understand why you wouldn't sell the xbox

But he wouldn't be getting what he expects for his birthday

What are the plans for him after GCSEs?

He only told her last night about the bullying.

If you don't stop your DD stealing at 11 you will end up like OP with an older 15 year old DC still stealing. Tell your DD you are taking some of her things to sell to raise the £15 to repay your Mum. Do it. No matter how much she cries or gets upset. You need to straighten her out now for her own good.

If he did that would be assault. You could ring police and they would give him a warning most likely. What is the alternative be afraid of your own son and allow him to steal from you and verbally abuse you? Make a stand now or you will spend your whole life in fear of your own son.

I'd be doing exactly the same. He's not 11 anymore and he needs to learn the hard way now or he will carry on stealing through life. Now would be a good time to sell as someone might buy it for a Xmas gift. I'd be selling all his games too. No point having games with nothing to play it on. He has no regard for your property or feelings. Show him that's not OK. You are his Mum and he should be respectful. If my son had ever spoken to me in the way your son just did to you he'd have been grounded with no phone for a month. He'd think twice before ever doing it again. If you let him get away with this behaviour he'll think he can be abusive to you whenever he wants with no consequence. I've fostered a few DC like yours and once they realise there is a consequence to really bad behaviour they tend to get back in line. At the same time as his phone is confiscated try to offer other things to do eg bowling etc.

That sounds like a truly awful situation.

I say this as someone who's eldest is just 7 so still all sweetness and light, but I do work in emergency services and have a lot of contact with wayward teens so not completely inexperienced.

Honestly the simplest most effective thing you can do is cancel the internet. There are so many toxic bad influences out there, it's so addictive especially if you don't have other interests. It really encourages the behaviour you describe. Currently he spends his time in his bedroom with an online world of idiots reinforcing his behaviour and telling him how superior he is and doesn't need to listen you're there to do his bidding.

Personally I would just get rid of the internet, cancel the subscription get rid of the hub. If it's just left as locked down/changed password it doesn't work - he know's he just has to wear you down and you'll give him the password. But when it's cancelled and can't just be clicked on it's a different situation. Same with mobiles - make sure the contract is no additional spending allowed, set to the smallest amount of data or none at all.

Honestly with no internet it breaks the cycle. The start is hard, but it sounds like you know exactly what hard is. But without internet access in the home his current way of living will not persist. If he's violent or threatens violence call the police - easier said then done but if he's willing to hurt his mum over an xbox he should have very real consequences now, his current path leads to a very dark future and some radical changes need to occur.

Get the police involved

At 15 I wouldn't throw him out but I would report the theft to the police, along with any threats. I'd stop having any cash or valuables at home and review my insurance.

Will his dad even spend some time with him? I don't quite understand, is he in the picture? I agree him going to his dad's may be a good idea. Would it mean a change of school and a fresh start?

The school situation sounds bad. Does he ever say anything about the future, courses or training? Any chance of him going into an apprenticeship next year?

He can have a birthday card and a box of his favourite treats. He’s stolen £200, you’d have got a present for him but he’s spent that already 🤷🏼‍♀️

You're the adult here, don't live like this. You wouldn't accept this behaviour in. Relationship so why form him?

@Spopssas I'm so sorry to read your further replies.
If you'd be afraid of him if you took his xbox, then obviously this isn't a solution. Don't put yourself in danger.
But I would tell him that you are finished with being stolen from, and verbally abused in your own home. When he is 16, you want him out, and he sadly will have to live amongst the chavs that he despises so much.

On Monday, please get some advice on how you can have him removed from your home. When I was 17, my mother chucked me out, but then had to have me back, because the council advised I needed 56 days notice. They eventually helped me with somewhere to live. It wasn't a nice place, but it beat walking around over night in the freezing cold as I had been.

He needs to find his own way if he is putting your physical safety at risk.

I know it sounds like terrible advice, but if you have reason to, call the police. Please if he hits you, don't suffer in silence.

I'm so sorry, this must be a terrible situation for you.

Yes!

This might sound harsh, but you do need to make an official complaint, she needs a short sharp shot before she gets any older. You honestly would be doing her a favour in the long run, set your boundaries before it’s too late.

I know it's not great advice in terms of parenting but I vote for letting him keep the sodding xBox. His behaviour has long gone past the point of normal parental discipline and into criminal behaviour and potential dangerous mental health issues.

It sounds like things have escalated to a point where you are scared of him and he might become physically violent towards you if you try and confiscate it. I don't think it's worth risking that happening to try and make a point.

It might be worth talking to his school and asking for help. They might have access to resources that would help you or be able to route him towards some kind of apprenticeship or program. How is his academic performance? He is turning sixteen soon. You need an exit plan so he can move out in the next couple of years and either move in with his dad or support himself.

Well in November his ‘rights’ change dramatically (assuming you’re in England?) You are legally responsible for him until he’s 18 but you do not have to house him past 16. So set your boundaries & if he doesn’t like it he’s welcome to see what accommodation the local authority will provide. He might find himself suddenly living among drug dealers & aggressive & violent neighbours. See whether he describes them as ‘chavs’.

If you feel physically threatened by him OP call the Police. You do NOT have to live with an abusive male, even if it is your son.

Take care of yourself.

The consequence is you sell his console to go towards paying you back.

You don't think it's more likely that he's using that to get sympathy and take the attention away from his bad behaviour? It's a pretty classic abuse technique.

going thru this with my daughter right now. 11years old.
can't leave any money around the house.
she just takes it. hides it then spends it. on shit. chewing gum, sweets, just rubbish.
lies right to my face.
2 days ago she stole £15 out my
mums purse. i'm devastated.
i threaten the police. she owns up. cries that she can't help herself she just sees it and takes it.
i'm so scared for the future.
i phoned the police yesterday. they can't do anything unless i make an official complaint.
she's 11. can't do anything and i'm at my
wits end.

op i really feel your pain and frustrations.
it's a horrible way to live that you cant trust ur kids and have to lock things away. i take away her phone, but i'm dreading when she gets a few years older and starts kicking off.