Son has stolen cash from me again

Posts like this make me angrier than I can express. This isn't some little kid. He's a fully grown male with a possible personality disorder and huge anger issues and violent tendencies. OP is a woman. It is entirely possible that he will seriously hurt her if she tries to set any boundaries at all. What if she took your advice and he ended up killing her? Would you be so judgemental then?

Why does a woman's safety never matter to some people? Why?

My heart goes out to you OP. You are dealing with your son totally alone without hardly any support and it sounds like hell. I've no doubt you DO love your son, and he obviously needs help but please look after yourself. This is very important if you feel threatened in any way.

16 is very young to leave home but if you do persuade him to leave in November you might find you get on a lot better. My husband left home at 16 BTW.

Have you considered he may be NT and possibly have a PDA presentation rather than being NPD? The remarks about having few friends, his very strong beliefs about some subjects drugs etc. might suggest this.

Sometimes though a parent doesn't have the resources/knowledge to "fix" their child/abuser.

He's been so awful I can see why Op is wary of or doesn't believe his excuses of being depressed & bullied.

Maybe he had his head in his hands in despair that Op might follow through?

Why should she have to be abused/stolen from & feel unsafe just because he is her son?

Then sell it to recoup what he stole and don’t replace it. He needs to learn that actions have consequences.

I also 100% agree with what this poster has said

Maybe I’m reading this wrong OP, but you said that your DS is going to be 16 soon - had a similar situation growing up that became violent when my cousin (who was about 6ft at 15) was confronted by my aunt so please bear your own safety in mind.

Explain to him the £200 he stole is the figure you had planned to spend on his birthday and now he won't be getting the PC and skydive y as you don't have the money anymore; that you will do your best to give him a lovely birthday but he is the one who has spoilt it for himself. He needs to lean consequences of his actions and if you can't take his X-box away from him this seems an alternative perhaps, maybe, I don't know?

The situation is really complex OP.

My ds is older now but around this age he became very addicted to a particular online game. And when I say addicted, I really mean it. It consumed him, changed him and it was the only thing that was of any importance to him. I am a single mum too and so didn't have a lot of male irl support.

I did do the cutting off the internet etc but he got clever and hijacked the neighbours wifi, would claim to be staying over with a friend to use their access etc etc. He started failing at school and just was a completely different kid.

We had to have a drastic change, which involved the whole household. I changed the WiFi package so it wasn't unlimited, so I could use when I needed and changed the password often. As he could hack the password easily.

I enrolled him in a sport which is quite male oriented, he wasn't overly keen at first, but I spoke to the head and explained that I needed help with him (which in itself was a major thing for me to ask for the help), the seniors of the sport were all older. This really was the turnaround for him, as they just took him under their wings, and invited him out to events. I'm a nutshell, he needed a father figure. He opened up to them thank goodness and within 6 months his priorities changed.

You say he enjoys cadets but has no intention of joining the forces. I think this would be ideal for him. Is there anyone at cadets you could speak to and let them know what difficulties you are having with him. Maybe someone there could guide him. They need input from someone external to the situation. You can talk to him until you are blue in the face, it has to come from outside, where that person isn't so easy to manipulate. He knows what buttons to push to get what he wants from you and as hard as it is to hear, you cannot do this alone.

What about some type of gap year after he's finished school? Something to aim for. Maybe Camp America or even getting all his qualifications in place to go work abroad, maybe on one of the super yachts. You say he's been to Africa, there are a lot of programs for school leavers to look at, which I really think will change his outlook. And it gives him something to look forward to. Right now, what does he have to work hard for? He knows he's going to get chucked out his home in a few months, knows that he has a deadbeat dad that he may or may not think he takes after. His life is that Xbox and the friends on there he doesn't even know irl most likely. It is a short term gratification that he is getting from it. He needs help for something more long term, something to look forward to.

As for the money for the chores. I disagree with him having to be paid to do these things. He should just be doing them. He needs to learn that someone isn't going to clean up after him forever. Set the chores, but don't pay him to do them. If there are no plates left as they are all in his room, then he doesn't get a meal on a plate. If he doesn't wash his clothes or put them in the basket (whatever your arrangement is) then he doesn't have clean clothes. Stop enabling this. Yes you may been out of your norm, and it is a bloody inconvenience yes, but you have to get out of your routine too, and make the changes necessary for him to see this.

It's easier to shove things under the carpet to keep the peace, but long term it's not helpful.

I wouldn't sell the Xbox, but I also would not be getting him a high value gift for his birthday.

Can I just say it took a while, but my ds is through this know and is actually a nice human again. He wasn't nice for a while and it's hard for me to even admit that. But the issues were much deeper that what showed on the surface.

My brother did all of this and then some. Since my ADHD diagnosis it’s really clear to me that he has it too. After decades of comparison to our “narcissistic” father, in the end the genetic component came from our maternal line.

I don’t blame our mother for dropping the ball when he was 15. She was on her knees. But I was not enough to fill the role of the adult he needed in his life. And my lack of ability to fill that hole condemned him to the wrecking ball future he made for himself, and created for the children he abandoned.

Involving social services (as limited as they might be due to scarce resources) is a start. With also looking for local-ish charities aimed at helping teenagers at a turning point. He may never change. He may get worse. But his only chance at this point is adult oversight that isn’t coloured by “you are just like your dad”. My siblings and I internalised the labelling from both sides. It can feel like a fruitless task to control your behaviour in your teens, because you are (at least) half worthless, awful, bad genes.

The £400 you are willing to pay for rent might be better spent on a quality psychiatrist for a less “coloured by personal experience” diagnosis and then appropriate therapeutic intervention. It may come to naught. But you will have tried to do your absolute best by your child. Who was the least powerful, most voiceless and had the fewest choices of the mother/father/offspring triad.

I don’t think this can be achieved while he lives with you, so it may be that he has to go into a living facility provided by the state while you find the professional input that is his best chance of a non-awful adulthood.

I have every sympathy for how you feel. My mother was devastated and the constant sense of threat (in every sense of the word) was not something anybody should be required to live with. It is just not do-able, reasonable or helpful to expect that. But I feel for your son too. Because it’s far from and easy starting path in life when you grow in the shadow of being half “something worthless at best”.

Has he considered the Navy or RAF, the likelihood of dying is very slim but it has the same structure that he seems to enjoy!

Obviously there are much wider issues and you shoud be confident your possessions are safe at home, but in the short term could you remove the temptation? Is there any reason why you need to keep so much cash at home?

That’s an awful way to live.
Call the police, report the theft. Say you need him removed from the home, they will have to involve SS. Have his bags packed and hand them over as they arrive.

Well it's quite simple. You deduct the £200 from his birthday present and tell him sorry you couldn't afford everything he wanted for his birthday but someone stole the £200 you'd saved from the safe.

Personally I'd not buy him any extravagant presents if he treats you with so little respect.

I'd also make it clear that any future theft will be reported to the police.

Make sure you keep the safe key on you at all times.

So sorry you're going through this OP. I've been a lone mother of sons for many years & one of mine was very much like yours. Nothing worked except keeping anything of value in my car (& the keys on my person). Then it all just ended as suddenly as it started when he was 17. It's like he developed a conscience & empathy overnight. I've come to the concussion that some teens are just horrible while their brains are developing, but that doesn't mean they're going to be that way for ever.

Try to talk to him, when he has calmed down. State firmly that he will not have access to any of your money. Make sure your bank card is secure. Do not let him near it (he may copy details onto his phone). Explain that, at 16, perhaps he could begin looking for P/T employment. Keep cash on you if possible.

If he is in the cadets, he may have ambitions to join the forces. If this is so, explain, calmly, that a criminal record will be detrimental to this aim. Reassure him that you will pay for whatever he needs, but stealing is one step too far.

If he is addicted to the X Box, then it is important that education and the cadets are maintained. Ask him calmly about the bullying. It may be an effort to deflect, but it could also be a real problem for him.

Tell him that it hurts you when he calls you names. Tell him this when he is calm.

He probably does have some underlying issues, especially if he did this as a pre-teen, and if he struggles to make friends or connections.

My son has many of the traits you describe. He is a few years older than your son, and is now receiving MH support. My only way of coping sometimes, is to treat his behaviour logically, and maintain damage limitation.

It is really hard, but we can take strength from @JustBeKinder 's post; our sons may very well come through this as much more well balanced people.

@Caerulea

This!

His behavior will be rooted in something. All behaviour is communication.

I think the OP needs more support so she can carry out her role as parent rather than kicking her son out.

His needs will turn into resentment and the relationship may not be repairable.

He does NOT need a ‘decent PC’ in order to do his GCSE’s.
If he can’t manage on his laptop, I’m assuming the school library has computers and he can stay after school? There’s of course normal libraries too that’ll be open at weekends.
He is playing you by making you think he needs it. He doesn’t.

In normal circumstances I would say sell the XBOX, don’t buy him stupidly expensive gifts etc. But I know this is terrible advice when you’re suffering domestic abuse. Especially in this situation where as the parent you should have the power.

Also, you should be safe in your own home. I can only imagine how horrible it is for your abuser to be your son. I agree he needs to be kicked out. And you know what, he’ll be much better off if you do it now at 15 than if you wait until 16.
Refuse to have him back under any circumstances, you’re afraid of him and fear for your safety. Stay strong, don’t be guilted. You certainly need to do something drastic for him too, he is very nearly a man. What kind of man is he going to be? He sounds like he is on the path to doing horrific things. I think it’s your moral duty to give him some seriously tough love, as well as keep yourself safe.

You need to get some more adults involved. I think I would be speaking to the CO of his cadet unit for advice - if they are an adult he admires and respects, they might get through to him where you can't. Same with his godmother.

Unlike some posters here who think he's just a poor little sausage with an unkind mummy, I think what you have written is massively worrying, and I would agree that the OP is at physical risk from her son.

OP, do you know what sort of websites he is on? It might be incel stuff, it might be more than that.

I was this girl.

I was loved and had food / clothes provided but still stole money.

I am ashamed of it now I am older. Deeply ashamed. Only just told my husband of 10 years (together 15).

It was rooted in seeing older siblings have their own jobs and having their own money to spend. It was rooted in seeing other friends being able to buy lunches at school and wanting to feel like I 'fit in'. It stemmed from not having the maturity to know how to handle those feelings.

What I needed was a choice that would be a wake up call. Continue to steal and X will happen. If I did, I would have stopped much sooner.

@Firefly1987 do you have teenagers? Most would rather hang out with their mates or gaming than with their parents.

This thread is really worrying.

It doesn't sound like you have much empathy towards him. So it's unsurprising he doesn't have much towards you.

I don't think many kids would be well balanced knowing their mum would happily bin them off in a heartbeat.

Someone needs to be the adult here and it isn't the suicidal teenage boy.

I feel for you and also really sad for your son. To be a 15 year old who knows his Mum wants him out - that's huge. It sounds like you're all he has.

Stealing isn't great of course not, but the two instances are quite far apart and perhaps he's feeling inferior to his peers - if he's living his life online (as many of teens are) then with that comes the huge consumerism and pressure to fit in so perhaps taking the money is linked to that. I can relate to that, growing up in a single parent household I always felt inferior to my friends - no matter what my Mum did and it was no reflection on her, I was just a teenager, with no life experience, stuck in my own head with no concept of how hard that must have been for her. I look back now and feel terrible for some of my teenage behaviour, but I shudder to think where I would be if my Mum had actually made me leave. Yes I was an ungrateful little shit at times, but she was the only anchor I had and needed.

Have you told him how his behaviour is making you feel? In a calm way, not when you're both angry.

Could you ask your friend to perhaps mediate a conversation where you both get to express how you feel. It might be a bit weird, but what have you got to lose? If he knows that you're perhaps it will hit home.

My son was very like this as a teenager and I was scared of him, we had lots of issues and mental health problems, he is now nearly 40 is a software programmer, has a good job and lives on his own, we now get on really well and he has said he really appreciated me sticking with him through the hard years. Don’t give up on him, he may come through this with help and support, he s testing you, good luck

The sad fact is, he is most likely a narcissist like his father. He is turning into his father before my very eyes. I don't want that around. And there is little I can do to prevent it. What I do know, is I need to protect myself. Financially and emotionally.

I honestly think this poor boy is condemned before he's even started.
Stop comparing him to his dad. He is not your ex he is his own person and he is also half of you.

It shines out in your posts how much you hate his dad, He has low self esteem because he knows he is half of his dad.
Self fulfilling prophecy anyone?

He needs support coupled with a bit of tough love, boundaries and empathy.