Son has stolen cash from me again

A boy of 15 being found by police sitting with his head in his hands is very concerning. The suicide rate amongst young men is high. There would be no one he knew around watching so this was not done for dramatic effect. Of course he shouldn't be stealing from you op but it seems that he does not have any picket money of his own not connected to chores. Most teens have a small amount, maybe just £5 a week, to spend as they like and can earn extra from chore. You say he spent your money on sweets and gum? It seems very controlling if he can't access such cheap items of his own choice. When I first read the heading I immediately thought weed, vapes ext. He needs to steal for sweet money? Then he feels bad about himself, then you tell him he can leave immediately he's 16 ...iand if he fails his GCSEs it's too bad? He stole st 11 and again 4 years later and isn't 'wild' in his way of wanting to live. I do think he should have a small amount of pocket money. I know after stealing that is not going to go down well but as well as cause and effect of our kids actions there is also cause and effect in our parenting. 15 year old teen..absolutely no personal money at all ...effect? I know this isn't what you want to hear and I'm sure others will be along to protest this view and that is ok. You did ask and this is my honest opinion ..although the relationship is maybe past repairing. I do sympathise. Also think therapy, family counselling for you both might be a way forward... but you both would need to want to work through your issues with a view to getting a more positive relationship ...not blaming and accusing. 💐

@Velvetpaws75 Yes I think this is what posters, including myself mean, of course if the OP had mentioned actual previous violence responses would be more homogenous I’d think, but she even said he won’t act out in a violent rage, but is worried about him stabbing her. But no indication of him actually having been violent before, and the original post I think is confusing by saying it’s the second time he stole, the first one being 5 years ago. At least personally I find it confusing. All else says he has no issues at school, loves cadets.
Then again if there has been previous services involvement something would have triggered that.

@Spopssas Would you feel up to maybe a brief timeline of past years with main events ?
It may help more constructive answers.

@MsRosley What you're saying isn't necessarily wrong however there is very little in OPs post to suggest that's the kind of person she's dealing with. You're making some massive assumptions, massive!

And yes, I'm very familiar with Counting Dead Women, thanks. I'm also very versed in just how dangerous men can be, even teen boys. At no point did I attack OP & fully agree her situation is difficult just not close to the extent of kicking out her own child based on the information she's given.

To be brutally honest, sorry OP but it needs to be said, this sounds far more likely to end with him hanging from a tree or overdosed than him hurting her.

My friends DS is a police officer and he says they have an increasing amount of violent and really difficult young men to deal with who have not been raised in circumstances that seem bad. It’s not like their parents are drug addicts or violent. They have parents that love them and have cared for them but have over compensated and have never given the child boundaries so they think they are untouchable. Plus the losing touch with reality as online so much and the influence of undesirable opinions garnered online. He said it’s a rising problem. A lot of them also have no Father figure in their life. They bully and intimidate their Mothers when they get bigger which is exactly what is happening to you.

I am wondering if you could speak to one of the Officers at cadets. My DS was in cadets and loved it, he ended up as a cadet warrant officer and I remember him being involved with disciplinary hearings and being a mentor to younger cadets.

Did the police speaking to him have any effect on him at all?

Our DS was involved at age of 14 with a criminal act [being carried in a stolen vehicle]. Police "frightened" him by way of a caution. Subsequently he never did anything similar ....

Is that an option with you? You would obviously need to take advice from your local police.

[I see myself as a liberal🙂

@Spopssas

Teen boys/men who lack empathy and get very angry are always a risk to women, especially if there's a lot of resentment and they blame the woman concerned for their situation. OP says openly she's scared of what he'll do to her, and she must put her own safety first. When he is no longer a danger to her, she can work on building up their relationship and his self esteem. Getting him out the house so she is safe is not the same as completely abandoning him.

If you ever check out Counting Dead Women, it's deeply disturbing how many women are killed by their sons.

I don’t have and don’t want kids so my experience of this is limited. So bear that in mind.

I started off this thread thinking what an awful child. I’ve ended up feeling quite sorry for him.

Aside from the stealing, which is horrible behaviour, and needs to be dealt with, I’m not seeing anything outside of the norm for teenagers.

He’s lazy, he loves his animals but doesn’t take care of them- normal. When I was a teen, we had a lovely dog and I adored him but get me to walk him? Ha, no! I regret it now looking back now that he’s gone but I was a kid and didn’t have the foresight that I have now.

He swore at you- vile, but not entirely unheard of for teens and hardly a reason to kick him out.

he spends a lot of time in his room and doesn’t want to do chores- would you want to spend time with someone who clearly views him as you do? Also, I spent tons of time in my room- classic introvert and entertained myself for hours 😂

It’s not unusual and who wants to do chores if you don’t have to? You need to enforce it on him. Make it clear that if he doesn’t do it- it won’t get done and then he won’t have clean clothes or whatever it is that he needs.

He sounds lost. Does he know what he wants to do after school? Is college an option? Have you worked with him on this? It’s a scary time for teens.

So much change is coming up for them. Is it possible that this is triggering for him?

You say you love him but then you spend a lot of your posts comparing him to his father who you clearly hate- and saying he must have NPD. You don’t mention any positive traits he has.

Have you thought that maybe your disdain for him comes through and he’s aware of it and lashing out?

Youve mentioned feeling afraid of him physically. But you haven’t given any background to suggest he’s ever been violent. Unless he has and you haven’t mentioned it.

I just don’t see this as something that requires you to go to the extremes of kicking him out. Remember that the decisions you make now can shape the rest of his life.

Do you really see him as someone who will benefit from learning life is harsh by his mother kicking him out?

Dont get him a birthday present and be clear it’s because he stole. Speak to SS again and try and get support in terms of a therapist in. For both of you.

You seem to lack empathy for him. That is quite sad.

His punishment for stealing a large sum of money was a confiscated controller and headset??! Fuck me, I'd be throwing the console out of an upstairs window onto concrete.

Where is the money now? If he's returned it with tears and "I'm really sorry mum", then I'd probably leave it there. Even if he promised to pay it back, I'd probably be okay with it. But if he's out there spending it with a smirk on his face, I'd be seriously considering the police.

I would have agreed with this at one time, but my 32 year old brother (who sounds very much like OP’s son - smart, sensitive, depressed, entitled, lonely, spoiled, insecure yet superior) is still living with my parents, playing videogames, unemployed, does nothing to help out with chores (even though they are both in their 60s), is rude, and holds them hostage with the prospect of his suicide. He’s been this way for almost his entire life and while my heart breaks for mu dear brother (as i see he’s in immense pain) I also see that their enabling him has done no favours for his self-esteem or capabilities. Sometimes I wish they had kicked him out at 16, and more than that, I wish they’d never let an XBox or PC game enter our home.

Do they? You think women's safety doesn't matter to me?

Something else is going on here & if you read & comprehended OPs posts you see she explicitly stated he is not violent or aggressive to her.

Tell you what, though, broken teen boys can certainly grow into abusive men.

I actually think you come across as quite mean and uncaring.

You may just be venting here, but you write with such negativity about your sons father and how you son is just like him.

You can say what you like about his father, but to keep comparing the two, makes me wonder, if you also say this to your son or your son picks up on this.

People steal for a reason.

Unpicking this situation is vital.

Your son sounds lost, it’s your responsibility as his parent to help him through whatever it is he is battling. Whether you decide you want the responsibility is a different matter.

I write this as a parent of a 16 year old thief.

My bag is locked in the car, the key is kept on my person.

Every wardrobe has a lock and even cosmetics are locked away in a beauty fridge.

It’s not easy but teaching a good moral code of conduct with clear defined punishments is my duty.

By "near man" you mean child who is years away from adulthood?

But actually nothing in the content of what she says gives any credence to him actually being at risk.

in fact in reading it is often her who is angry and loses her shit.

indeed she actually says he is knuckling down now but it’s clear his academic achievements fall short of her academic post grad expectations

in fact the only bad thing he has done is stealing but given she doesn’t listen to him it could very well be a cry for help.

there are many violent aggressive teenage boys who take and deal drugs he is clearly not one of them

I think you both need a break from each other
Can he stay with his godmother or a friend for a week?
You both need breathing space

Some of the replies on this thread are completely mad
The op is afraid of this near man and is at risk in her own home
To suggest she buys him a gym membership and an air fryer?
What planet are people on?
Get him out now.

There's a lot going on here and I understand that it's overwhelming and you're struggling so maybe shutting down on him a bit to self protect. But he is 15. He is clearly very underconfident and has self esteem issues which is why he's judging others. I'm surprised that a 15 year old spent £200 on sweets and gum tbh I'd imagine there is something else.

It does jump out at me how much you talk about him being like his father. How old was he when his father left? Does he look like him? I think you need to stop comparing him to his father so you can see him for who he is as an individual child who is clearly struggling. His father was a grown adult who chose to be hurtful and abusive. If you're making that comparison a lot that will massively affect his sense of identity and could end up being a self fulfilling prophesy. I wouldn't be turning a 16 year old out to live in a flat share. He needs and deserves more support than that. I'd talk to the trust about supported accommodation for young people but he'd need to be classed as looked after and places are scarce. Some charities offer respite for teens to avoid them getting to the point of complete family breakdown so would be worth asking about. Ultimately you are still his parent so while I understand that it's a lot, you can't just shut down on him. Do you ever do anything fun with him? Spend time together doing something nice in the evenings? I'd tell him that I'd be reducing the amount he's stolen from his birthday present and changing the WiFi code so you can use it for now and I'd use that as your bargaining chip. If he wants access to WiFi for the evening he needs to do housework for that and pocket money. He sounds lost and afraid.

Very much disagree with @MrsMarzetti and @Thisweeksname. This is all well within the spectrum of normal teenage behaviour. Yes some consequences are needed for the stealing and swearing, but this child needs continued love and support from his parent, within the family home. It's really tough, draining and demoralising to do this as a single parent, so make sure you have your own support from friends IRL to sound off /discuss ideas/draw strength from. You will both come through this.🌻

I was wondering how to express a similar feeling.
It feels like a lot of the descriptions are OP’s feelings rather than things that actually happened. Unless I missed it or OP just hasn’t wished to detail them, in which case I apologise @Spopssas. The enjoyment of cadets doesn’t hugely fit the profile of not respecting rules either, he’s clearly capable of it elsewhere.

It sounds like you checked out of the relationship with him a long time ago, and he knows this. Why would he be bothered about stealing from you if he thinks you don't care about him? He knows you want him out. You need to show him that you do care about him and want the best for him. I imagine there are meetings coming up at school about GCSEs, and open days at local colleges. Are you going to them? Are you showing him that you are interested in him and his future?

I totally understand that it's hard. I foster two teenage boys. They've stolen from us before. The last incident was a few months ago when one took about £50. I never threatened to throw him out. I told him how disappointed I was because I love him and think of him as my son so it made me very sad to think that he would do such a thing. He was very shamefaced. I also confiscated the thing he'd bought with the money and said he couldn't have it as he hadn't paid for it, and also made him pay back the actual money from his pocket money.

In your circumstances I would get him a birthday card and explain that you weren't able to buy him a gift as he's already had all that money from you so you couldn't afford anything else.

I'd also have a chat with him about house rules and what is expected at home. I would give him some pocket money that isn't linked to chores. He feels that your love for him is conditional and he's saying 'well sod you then, if you only love me if I do chores then don't bother as I'm not doing them.' I wouldn't give much. Maybe a fiver a week? Then explain that you will top it up if he does the chores.

Have some boundaries in place for when things are not done and for behaviour in the home. Where is his x box? Is it in his room? Can you move it to a downstairs room so that you can have limits on when he uses it? One of mine was on his laptop all night so the laptops got set up in the dining room and they are not allowed to be moved. That doesn't stop my eldest from occasionally sneaking his laptop out but he knows he gets it confiscated for up to a month if he does that. And if he needs it for school then tough, he has access to online homework etc on school computers so he knows he has to go to homework club after school and do it there.

Your son sounds desperately unhappy and probably feels it's the world against him and the only person who should be on his side actually isn't and wants him out. I know he's acting like a little shit but you need to show him that you do care about him and that you are on his side. In the grand scheme of things he hasn't killed anyone - it's terribly bad behaviour that he's stolen off you, yes it is, but I don't think it should be unforgivable.

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP 🙁he sounds vile and I would kick him out at 16 as well! Until he learns that his actions have consequences he won’t mature. Living separately may also help with your relationship in the long run. Too many people put up with being treated like crap by their almost adult children.

He is an entitled little Prince. You need to ignore his birthday, other than a card give him nothing. Don't keep money in the house and keep your bank card on you at all times, you go in the shower, take it with you. Keep everything as pressure free as you can until he finishes school. Save a deposit for a bedsit now and the day he finishes school move him into it and either move yourself if you can or at the very least change all of your locks and install ring doorbells front and back.
This week make an appointment at your local Police station and tell them you want it recorded that he has stolen from you and that you are seriously frightened of him, but as he is too young to throw out you don't want to press charges or for them to have any contact with him over the matter but you do want it on record.
He will never ever change so don't think you can save him.

And you say you love him but nothing in your op says you do. Your evenings seem to be what you want to do and you main issue seems to be a lack of respect to you ( he is a teenager!) and throwing him out to learn that life is harsh.

but his life is harsh, he is bullied, has no friends, low self esteem, struggles with subjects and suicidal thoughts. Punished for normal teenage behaviour.

what he needs is for you to actually show him love and a safe space, sort out the bullying and be there for him

thers is an awful lot here I agree and done of it seems contradictory

you say you think he is a narcissist yet he considers himself fat and ugly when he isn’t - the very opposite trait. As is not wanting to do subjects he isn’t good at - you even say he has low self esteem yet can’t help but paint him as his father

you worry he will get violent and hurt you yet he never has done

he is I think being bullied at school but you barely address it and see his friendships as his issue

he did something when he was 11 that you clearly haven’t forgiven or moved on from and I suspect have withdrawn so much from him

and the way you casually pass over his suicidal thoughts is shocking.

what has he done apart from being lazy (normal sadly) talk back ( again happens) and steal twice. Abd hate the OP smoking and be obsessed with x box (possibly as it is his way of communicating with people and his rock)

everything else seems to be in your perceptions of him that seem so skewed. Did he ever have a chance as your anger towards his father is palpable and has created an idea of the son you think you have.

he sounds nothing like his dad and frankly how on other is he going to be ok

Some excellent suggestions made above.

From my own experience, your son is testing you because you are the constant presence in his life. It's upsetting, scary, depressing etc but if you can ride it out, his feelings and focus will change as he gets a little older. I found the toughest years were between 14 and 16.. By about 16 and a half, thing began to change and by 18 my DS was looking forward and could see his destiny was in his own hands.

Financially/punishment-wise, I wouldn't take the xbox away, but cut down by £200 on the birthday spend.

I'm so sorry for your stress. I have been in a similar position as a single paremt to a son who stole form me and everyone else, smoked week n my house, trashed his educational prospects and for me the last straw was a violent confrontation between him and his younger ( under 16 year old) brother.
I did kick him out - with love ( at least I felt that way) and I agreed to financially support him whilst he was in education. This first few tears were awful but now at 24 he has a job, a stable flat share and is not stealing and a nice young man.

Do I regret it ? Yes I do. I wish I have been able to maintain him in the home, but at that time I could not - my failings when brought up against his. - I have issues with both my other sons too, the exception being no violence ( and I had only two rules in my house, no drugs and no violence)

If I had my time again, I would be screaming for help, and recognising that tough love is just that. NO Xbox ( if u are afraid I would call the police immediately) no phone, no money no internet. But do not kick him out ... you are his mum and the only security he has,...