Page 2 | Son has stolen cash from me again

Spopssas · 2023-09-23T19:59:23+00:00

When he was around 11 he spent nearly £400 on mydebit card. Lied about it consistently before the evidence became irrefutable. The fallout was huge. He is now nearly sixteen and I've just discovered he's stolen nearly £200 in cash from my safe. He must have hunted hard for the key. I confiscated his controller and headphones - he just got them out of the car when I was at work this morning. I'm gutted and confronted him tonight, calling him a thief and a blatant liar. Which he is. He has shown no remorse. He called me a fat cunt and has locked himself in his bedroom. I just want him out tbh.

Firefly1987 · 26/09/2023 00:05

I'm happy to hear this-it sounds like things are moving in the right direction! It's good you got him to admit he is ashamed about the stealing. I really think you are tackling it the right way now.

Startyabastard · 25/09/2023 23:57

Well done for getting a 'heart to heart' chat out of him, however short or honest he was.

Original poster

Spopssas · 25/09/2023 23:47

I can't afford to rent a room for him for £400 a month. I would have to scrape the money together somehow. He goes sailing annually with a wonderful charity. We went to Africa when he was small as my friend had a riad there. We went to Italy thanks to the Make A Wish Foundation and he went to America just before he finished treatment, again thanks to a local charity. So none of those experiences I had to pay for - for which I am eternally thankful.

We spent three days together in a static in Norfolk in the summer which was stupidly expensive. But we had fun. No way could I afford to go abroad anywhere. Cadets is great - he went on a summer camp with them.

I have read all the replies and am really thankful for the input and advice and ideas. He reported the bullying on the school's website and (once again) school has said today that they will tackle it - he has a joint meeting with his head of year and the culprits tomorrow. God knows what the outcome will be.

We have had a long chat this evening. He says he's ashamed of stealing the money but doesn't show it. He said the police shook him up a bit but I'm very wary of him being honest about that. There was a lot of police involvement for various things when I was married to his father and it was so chaotic and scary. Since his father disappeared my life has been police free.....so recent contact with police and FSW just brings it all back. I am more than happy to cooperate, and have fully, if it helps us and particulary DS. But it's like a sort of pattern emerging as he gets older that I just don't cope with.

The police said they would issue a PPN> I am yet to find out what that will entail. Maybe it will be a good thing and give us both more help.

I've asked him tonight if he would like some counselling and he said yes - he does get some therapeutic help from a local organisation but it's probably not 'deep' enough. I will pursue this.

I agree wholeheartedly that comparing him to his father has been disastrous and affected him. I have tried my damndest not to, but when he steals and lies so blatantly I couldn't help it. I am not angry at his father anymore. I've always been more frightened of him or what he may do one day - people have always said he'll return to this country at some point and that thought makes me feel ill. Despite saying I'd like him to bugger off, find his father and turn up....I don't want DS to ever have contact with him, and DS makes it clear he doesn't want to know him. I get very muddled and angry and afraid, whenever he shows the traits of his thieving, lying abusive father.

It's been tough raising him totally single-handedly. My siblings have been woefully disinterested and my parents are dead. I love ds to distraction and am frightened: what on earth would happen to him if I dropped dead tomorrow? He is on the cusp of adulthood but in no way able to look after himself. He would be very, very alone.

Maybe that is partly behind my desire to push him out there - to make him stand on his own two feet early on, so that if I die he has some concept of life/money/cooking etc.

He said tonight that 'there aren't enough of us' - ie family. It is literally just him and me. But when things go wrong as they suddenly have, yes we both get very aggrieved. Someone upthread said maybe I am worried he would snap, and hurt me and that's just it. I have sometimes put a chair up against the door of the kitchen. I asked him directly tonight if he's ever thought of harming me. He said no. I'm exhausted by it all.

OP posts:

Stomacharmeleon · 25/09/2023 22:17

Also the 'he has never been violent' but I am worried he will turn around and stab me with no provocation?

converseandjeans · 25/09/2023 21:58

@Nanaof1

Some of the posts are very contradictory. {scratches head}

Agree - one minute OP has no money then the next she can pay for him to rent a room up to £400/month.

Nanaof1 · 25/09/2023 20:07

ilovesooty · 25/09/2023 04:06

The OP said she doesn't earn much.

Perhaps she doesn't have the money for "a decent family therapist" or a psychiatrist.

But then says the son goes sailing every summer and has been to America, Italy and Africa (I think those were the three). If that means she is "poor" than my family must be destitute.

Some of the posts are very contradictory. {scratches head}

Nanaof1 · 25/09/2023 19:44

Spopssas · 23/09/2023 22:00

The family support workers was very enid blyton - he does his home chores, I pay him a tenner a week. That was the deal.

Only he wouldn't. And he doesn't

Do you still give him money for the chores he doesn't do? I hope not.

Call the police, call social services, drop him off at the social services, go to court and relinquish your parental rights, whatever you have to do to keep YOU safe. The ball is in your court, as it has always been.

Nanaof1 · 25/09/2023 19:41

coolkatt · 23/09/2023 21:48

going thru this with my daughter right now. 11years old.
can't leave any money around the house.
she just takes it. hides it then spends it. on shit. chewing gum, sweets, just rubbish.
lies right to my face.
2 days ago she stole £15 out my
mums purse. i'm devastated.
i threaten the police. she owns up. cries that she can't help herself she just sees it and takes it.
i'm so scared for the future.
i phoned the police yesterday. they can't do anything unless i make an official complaint.
she's 11. can't do anything and i'm at my
wits end.

op i really feel your pain and frustrations.
it's a horrible way to live that you cant trust ur kids and have to lock things away. i take away her phone, but i'm dreading when she gets a few years older and starts kicking off.

So, she steals whatever she wants, you threaten her, she cries, you lay off, she steals, you threaten, she cries, you lay off, rinse and repeat.

She is manipulating you and you are letting her. If she "can't help it" then she needs serious mental health intervention. If she can help it but just doesn't give a shit, which is more likely, the fact that you continue to let her get away with it shows that she has no boundaries. In a few years, you'll be wondering how she came to be such a total monster. I wonder?

Nanaof1 · 25/09/2023 19:37

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 23/09/2023 21:51

You don't think it's more likely that he's using that to get sympathy and take the attention away from his bad behaviour? It's a pretty classic abuse technique.

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I agree. It sounds like it was more manipulations from him. Obviously, people fall for it as the PP did.

Nanaof1 · 25/09/2023 19:32

Spopssas · 23/09/2023 21:29

I honestly would be afraid of him if I sold his stuff. He might harm me.

Then tell the police or social services this and put him into foster care, a group home or something. The fact that you are afraid of him is his power and he is using it. I am on the other side of the pond so I have no clue how it works over in the UK, but I would not stop until I got help and got him out of the house.

I'm sorry but it sounds like you have let him have control through abuse and you should not have let it get this far without MAKING someone listen.

Royalbloo · 25/09/2023 19:26

IF he hurts you that is domestic abuse and should be reported asap. Doesn't matter if it's your husband/boyfriend or kid, it's entirely unacceptable and is abuse in the home. It should not be excused or pushed to one side.

Royalbloo · 25/09/2023 19:25

I'd ask him what he thinks his punishment should be and show him what happens if you commit fraud as an adult and ask him what kind of life he wants.

In two years he will be able to do whatever he wants and you won't be able to protect him. Expose him to the realities of life and expect him to decide.

Nanaof1 · 25/09/2023 19:24

Spopssas · 23/09/2023 21:14

He doesn't have anywhere to go no. Nor do I. He is 16 in 8 weeks and expecting an expensive PC and a skydive for his birthday. I am nearly 60 and just want him to get in touch with his father and go and live with him.

He sounds like a manipulative little wanker. I certainly hope he will NOT be getting those things for his birthday? If you get him those things, then you can thank yourself for creating the monster that he is. You should sell his Xbox and controller and games to recoup your money and put a deadbolt on your door, get a better, very heavy safe with a combination to open and don't leave anything out. The next time he acts up, call the authorities and press charges. If you feel unsafe, call and get some help.

He sounds like a budding sociopath with the lack of empathy and manipulation.

Nanaof1 · 25/09/2023 19:18

SmurfetteBlue · 23/09/2023 21:07

I'd be selling the gaming device he uses with the confiscated controller to make the £200 back and make him learn his lesson the hard way!

THIS!! All of this!

You are nicer than me, I would have just smashed it all with a hammer, but selling it to recoup the money is much wiser.

Channellingsophistication · 25/09/2023 15:43

I think this is a very sad, lonely boy. Agreed stealing is shocking; as is abusive language. Really awful for you.

He may be nearly 16 and look like a man but he’s just a boy, (i know i have a DS exactly same age). He is in despair, head in hands. He knows his dad is a bastard and he is part of him so perhaps he thinks he’s a bastard too so may as well act like one? He has been abandoned by his dad and must feel it terribly.

I agree he should suffer consequence of actions for stealing - £200 less of a birthday gift. But kicking him out feels harsh.

I think xbox is escapism/security and I think him saying other kids are chavs is bravado - he doesnt feel he belongs with them and he’s being bullied.

However if you really feel threatened physically then thats a different matter, but do you honestly feel he’d hurt you?

Can you have some family therapy - expensive I know but if you get a good therapist they might help you both understand each other.

Its such a big year for him with GCSE’s, this could be the last chance to save him.

Ýsette · 25/09/2023 15:42

Your mantra now is:
I can't afford it

Ýsette · 25/09/2023 15:41

You sound at the end of your tether, I really feel for you. You have done your best and it's down to him. Let him know you are there but apart from the internet, you won't be giving out free stuff anymore. He can always go to work if he wants can't he

Quartz2208 · 25/09/2023 11:36

MsRosley · 25/09/2023 10:28

@caerulea I think you're making some massive assumptions yourself about OP's parenting. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she has tried very hard with her son, and hasn't emotionally neglected him. Either way, she needs to protect herself first, then she can offer support without constantly fearing his reaction.

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In her posts though there is no evidence that she has and quite a bit that she has emotionally neglected him ( her description of their evenings is just sad) And it has taken the police to start addressing the bullying.

his anger is likely to be inward but one dies wonder whether her belief (having never shown any anger) that he might stab is because she senses in him a deep dislike (clearly of himself) and worries what could happen if he snaps

he needs urgent help and support not thrown out to show him how harsh life is. Based on what she has said he is very aware of how harsh life is particularly if he wanted to go into foster care.

he wants to escape her and go somewhere safe

Startyabastard · 25/09/2023 11:19

'What you said about him potentially stabbing you is scary. It isn't right.'

'If you are genuinely afraid of him I would take that feeling very seriously.
I would contact the police and social services and tell them he needs removing for your safety. This will be hard but if it is a real concern then you will have to insist.'

This is what I mean!!

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/09/2023 10:54

Pebstk · Today 03:25

I am genuinely shocked at reactions to your son - he stole and he’s a child. He did wrong so do lots of teenagers. I went to bel and back with my two older children. Both stole from he countless times at this l age but they are completely honest now at 20 and 18. But you are literally superimposing all your hatred for his father on him - over and over he is a father rather than a lost child. He has no family except you. That’s tough. He is a boy without a father. That’s tough. You make all his decisions sound awful. He doesn’t like cool kids - good for him. He doesn’t want to join the army in case he gets killed - fair enough. He doesn’t want to look after himself entirely at 15 again fair enough. I know he has treated you terribly there but are you really going to give up on your son because he stole at 11 and again at 15? I can’t believe people on here thinking that’s ok. He is your son he needs love and support most when he is being a shit. All the lovely people who’d show a child the door - probably all the same people who say never shout at them cause it’s trauma 🤦‍♀️ Ignore. Try to get him counselling. Try to tell him you love him unconditionally. At the minute the only person who loves him in the world is saying I want you gone - how would you react to this? You also need counselling about your unresolved feelings for him father which you are superimposing on him - he is not his father over again, he is half your son and a totally new and unique person”

Tend to agree with this. You both need help.

Tinklyheadtilt · 25/09/2023 10:44

Time to get tough I'm afraid. Take away the Xbox, block the wifi if he doesn't knuckle down and pull his weight.

Are you there any positive male role models he can spend more time with? Teenage boys really struggle without those and without his deadbeat Dad around, there is a void.

Densol57 · 25/09/2023 10:39

Your situation reminds me of a client many years ago. He was constantly arrested for dishonesty. His mum was so sweet and supporting of him, but she was also at her wits end. He was evil and had zero empathy for anyone. Typical sociopath.

He ended up killing her ( I wont post how as its quite outing )
I think of her now and again and how sad it all was 😢

converseandjeans · 25/09/2023 10:32

Agree with @shiningstar2

He sounds depressed & lonely. He should be getting pocket money for basics at that age.

You can't kick out a 16 year old. He's too young & will be vulnerable. You say you can pay rent for him but what about food & bills & travel costs?

I don't think getting rid of his Xbox will help either. You obviously don't like him, he has no social life, feels insecure about his looks. He's not going to suddenly become the person you want him to become if you get rid of the one thing he enjoys.

You sound disappointed that he's not a grade 9, sporty, skater type. He is likely picking up on that.

MsRosley · 25/09/2023 10:28

Caerulea · 25/09/2023 10:18

@MsRosley What you're saying isn't necessarily wrong however there is very little in OPs post to suggest that's the kind of person she's dealing with. You're making some massive assumptions, massive!

And yes, I'm very familiar with Counting Dead Women, thanks. I'm also very versed in just how dangerous men can be, even teen boys. At no point did I attack OP & fully agree her situation is difficult just not close to the extent of kicking out her own child based on the information she's given.

To be brutally honest, sorry OP but it needs to be said, this sounds far more likely to end with him hanging from a tree or overdosed than him hurting her.

@caerulea I think you're making some massive assumptions yourself about OP's parenting. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she has tried very hard with her son, and hasn't emotionally neglected him. Either way, she needs to protect herself first, then she can offer support without constantly fearing his reaction.

Godlovesall26 · 25/09/2023 10:26

Godlovesall26 · 25/09/2023 10:19

@Velvetpaws75 Yes I think this is what posters, including myself mean, of course if the OP had mentioned actual previous violence responses would be more homogenous I’d think, but she even said he won’t act out in a violent rage, but is worried about him stabbing her. But no indication of him actually having been violent before, and the original post I think is confusing by saying it’s the second time he stole, the first one being 5 years ago. At least personally I find it confusing. All else says he has no issues at school, loves cadets.
Then again if there has been previous services involvement something would have triggered that.

@Spopssas Would you feel up to maybe a brief timeline of past years with main events ?
It may help more constructive answers.

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Oh sorry @Velvetpaws75 couldn’t see the many further posts for some reason, didn’t mean to single you out amongst the many similar replies, just thought I was replying to the last one