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Original poster

Son has stolen cash from me again

211 replies

Spopssas · 23/09/2023 20:59

When he was around 11 he spent nearly £400 on mydebit card. Lied about it consistently before the evidence became irrefutable. The fallout was huge.

He is now nearly sixteen and I've just discovered he's stolen nearly £200 in cash from my safe. He must have hunted hard for the key. I confiscated his controller and headphones - he just got them out of the car when I was at work this morning.

I'm gutted and confronted him tonight, calling him a thief and a blatant liar. Which he is. He has shown no remorse.

He called me a fat cunt and has locked himself in his bedroom.

I just want him out tbh.

OP posts:
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Blue444 · 12/03/2025 08:24

SleepyRich · 23/09/2023 23:17

That sounds like a truly awful situation.

I say this as someone who's eldest is just 7 so still all sweetness and light, but I do work in emergency services and have a lot of contact with wayward teens so not completely inexperienced.

Honestly the simplest most effective thing you can do is cancel the internet. There are so many toxic bad influences out there, it's so addictive especially if you don't have other interests. It really encourages the behaviour you describe. Currently he spends his time in his bedroom with an online world of idiots reinforcing his behaviour and telling him how superior he is and doesn't need to listen you're there to do his bidding.

Personally I would just get rid of the internet, cancel the subscription get rid of the hub. If it's just left as locked down/changed password it doesn't work - he know's he just has to wear you down and you'll give him the password. But when it's cancelled and can't just be clicked on it's a different situation. Same with mobiles - make sure the contract is no additional spending allowed, set to the smallest amount of data or none at all.

Honestly with no internet it breaks the cycle. The start is hard, but it sounds like you know exactly what hard is. But without internet access in the home his current way of living will not persist. If he's violent or threatens violence call the police - easier said then done but if he's willing to hurt his mum over an xbox he should have very real consequences now, his current path leads to a very dark future and some radical changes need to occur.

This. Be tough face it now for his sake and yours

YenSon · 12/03/2025 07:08

Does he have ADHD? I’ve read several of your replies and he sounds like my ADHD son who is desperately unhappy, has low self-esteem, self-harmed etc. The need/additction for a PC, only way to socialise, gum, sweets, fizzy drinks, arguments, stealing, saying things to shock…all sources of dopamine for a brain lacking dopamine and the impulse control of a much younger child with an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex. In our case, sadness and distress from trauma of his lived experiences, which may seem insignificant to someone who does not have a neurodivergent brain.
I’d be looking at therapy to be honest, and medication if he’s ADHD or an ADHD assessment if he hasn’t had one. There needs to be boundaries and consequences and he’s not going to like them. You need to be the one to do it. He needs you now more than ever. He needs you to remain calm and consistent.There also needs to be understanding, unconditional love and rewards when he does right. It’s tough with an explosive child. I feel for you. I have made a lot of assumptions and maybe your story is different but I see so many similarities with my son and stories of other parents of children with a similar profile

caringcarer · 05/01/2024 21:48

Livinginanotherworld · 23/09/2023 22:05

This might sound harsh, but you do need to make an official complaint, she needs a short sharp shot before she gets any older. You honestly would be doing her a favour in the long run, set your boundaries before it’s too late.

Show quote history

I agree. Make an official complaint. They will give her a strict talking too.

caringcarer · 05/01/2024 21:47

Spopssas · 23/09/2023 21:29

I honestly would be afraid of him if I sold his stuff. He might harm me.

That's no way to live. Sell his gaming devices to recoup your money and if he threatens you call the police.

caringcarer · 05/01/2024 21:46

SmurfetteBlue · 23/09/2023 21:07

I'd be selling the gaming device he uses with the confiscated controller to make the £200 back and make him learn his lesson the hard way!

Me too. If OP doesn't make him learn now he will steal all his life.

DriftingDora · 05/01/2024 21:14

Isseywith3witchycats · 23/09/2023 21:02

My youngest son went through a phase of this i carried my purse round with me key to the safe on your person, when i went to bed purse went under my pillow in your case key in purse, and i made my son pay me back every penny he had taken not as much as your son but he has to realise actions have concequences , i know it sounds harsh but maybe getting a policeman round to have a word with him may help

Isseywith3witchycats

i know it sounds harsh but maybe getting a policeman round to have a word with him may help

Yes, if OP's prepared to wait until he's 45. There are no police - they don't come out for burglaries or criminal damage taking place - and when was the last time you saw one on the streets/roads? You might get a PCSO in about a fortnight (that's if they still have PCSO's).

Channellingsophistication · 02/11/2023 21:57

Hi OP, I was wondering how you were doing? Hoping things are better for you and your son.

Stomacharmeleon · 08/10/2023 17:36

@ohsuzannah in the nicest possible way the help she so desperately needs is only likely to be forthcoming when you remove yourself from caring duties and let her get on with it.
How about your right to a life?

ohsuzannah · 08/10/2023 12:22

@Stomacharmeleon
I've tried. I'm waiting for a social worker. Other HCP's know what's going on. The problem is, if I leave here she will not look after herself. She's lost a lot of weight already as she won't eat. It's my belief that she is autistic but it's not been diagnosed.

Stomacharmeleon · 07/10/2023 21:40

@ohsuzannah sorry for the terrible time you are currently going through but that's nothing like the op's situation.
Can you report for elder abuse?

ohsuzannah · 07/10/2023 18:03

All the people judging you on here will never find out how it feels unless they live with it. I was attacked by my dd last week because she didn't like something I said. I've got bruises all the way down one arm and scratches on the other. In the past I've wrestled knives off her. Now I have to hide them. I don't have glasses in the house anymore. They all got smashed, one of them over my head.
I totally agree with you asking him to leave, my situation is different, it's her house. So I'm making plans to leave and I have to be really careful, if she finds out she'll destroy all my stuff.
I'm 70 and she's 33
As for my bank account, I bank online and keep my card frozen until I want to use it. In the past she's drained my account to buy stuff on klarna or for her game.

Malbecfan · 07/10/2023 17:41

OP, you have mentioned your DS being ill a couple of times.

I presume he is recovered or in remission now. Is there any possibility of him volunteering with a charity connected with his illness/condition where he could mentor a youngster going through the same thing? This would do wonders for his self-esteem and give him something really valuable on his CV. It would also give you the opportunity to praise him and show him how proud you are of him.

You do both need to talk and your most recent updates are promising. Kids always take it out on their nearest & dearest - as a secondary school teacher I have seen this before. I wouldn't sell the X box. I would simply deduct £200 from what I was planning to spend on him.

ohsuzannah · 07/10/2023 17:35

Does he have a social worker, OP? If so ask for respite care so you get a break. Then you can decide what to do. Good luck Flowers

Channellingsophistication · 07/10/2023 17:08

Hi OP how are you doing?

Original poster
Spopssas · 28/09/2023 00:05

Stomacharmeleon · 27/09/2023 22:04

@Spopssas your post was so enlightening and must have been difficult to write. It IS bloody hard to raise children single-handedly and raising my boys was a massive challenge to me.
Just one thing I wanted to point out though and that's that the best support I had in really difficult times was from my friends and not my family. They really had my back and vice verse. Make sure you aren't isolated.

Tbh, I have shit friends. We have been mates for donkeys years but we live nowhere near each other, they are mostly very well off and long-term married with adult children. Their lives will be nowhere near perfect, but my life is waay too 'Eastenders' for them. What with the dead-beat dad, council house, lone parenthood and low-paid job. They bowed out spectacularly when ds was poorly.... but hey, one keeps putting one foot in front of the other regardless. It is what we do as mothers. And I suppose their husbands have done the same as fathers. I have not had that experience. I know one friend hit her husband with a frying pan years ago so it can't be plain sailing. No idea. They're still together and have four adult children and are very happy.

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 27/09/2023 22:04

@Spopssas your post was so enlightening and must have been difficult to write. It IS bloody hard to raise children single-handedly and raising my boys was a massive challenge to me.
Just one thing I wanted to point out though and that's that the best support I had in really difficult times was from my friends and not my family. They really had my back and vice verse. Make sure you aren't isolated.

converseandjeans · 26/09/2023 23:59

Is there someone at cadets you could speak to & see if they can mentor him?

It's positive he does sailing - can you find a bit of extra cash to fund him doing more of that type of activity?

I honestly think the bullying is affecting him. Hopefully once he has done his GCSEs he can avoid them.

It's normal for teenagers to spend ages online, avoid school work etc. it sounds like you love him but find this stage hard. It won't always be like this. Tell him you love him & don't compare him to his Dad. That's not his fault.

Original poster
Spopssas · 26/09/2023 20:06

Thank you for all your sound advice, ideas and concern. There have been posts that have made me think hard.

The school meeting with his bullies went well apparently - the senior teacher did a very good and fair job he said. He is bouyed this evening by that and so am I. He doesn't think it will make much difference but I hope it will. We'll see.

It's very hard being a totally lone parent. I have struggled. We have been through hell together as he was very poorly between aged 4 - 8yrs. I expect the impact of that is also now showing its face.

We both agreed last night that we have been afraid of each other at times. That's sad. I also haven't made him face any consequence for taking my money. But I can only do one step at a time. With no 'father', no other family around, I have to keep finding my own ways to help him towards happiness.

OP posts:
Ýsette · 26/09/2023 14:34

How is your day going? Thinking of you 💖

Caerulea · 26/09/2023 10:52

OP your mindset sounds much better in your update. No one here knows what his dad did to you but it just looks like all round the pair of you need all the help you can get - & that's ok! I'm not sure what the PPN does but it hope you're able to milk it for all is worth. It does seem like there's much more to this than you've shared - the mention of Make A Wish stands out.

Good luck to you both, please don't give up on him, he's not his dad, he's your son & he needs you. Don't ascribe PDs to him, get help, from anywhere you can. Wishing you all the luck & strength in the world.

Fwiw - my eldest son came very close to being a statistic, and friends of his did (different behaviours, nothing violent, drugs & alcohol borne of feeling lost) & he's now a young man with a baby & you couldn't imagine seeing someone so uttterly in love & happy compared to where he was. Trust me, you never want to be in the back of an ambulance with a paramedic saying 'I'm sorry, I just don't know if he'll be ok'.

You've got this!

Edit - have you sat him down, looked him in the eyes & told him he's not his father & that you're sorry. If not, please do - I think you both need that.

Channellingsophistication · 26/09/2023 09:39

Also, I think that’s a good point above was he stealing to pay any bullies?

Channellingsophistication · 26/09/2023 09:39

I’m pleased to read your update. You can build on this. I do think some joint family therapy would help. I think your (understandable) fears and feelings about his father have been projected onto your son. In addition, you haven’t had any family support which would’ve helped you so much so its clearly been so tough for you.

you have definitely taken a step in the right direction. I hope this is a turning point for you both.

BeverleyMacker · 26/09/2023 08:40

He says he's being bullied. Are you sure he's not stealing money because he needs to give money to them?

jswaw · 26/09/2023 08:27

Thinking of you, OP. Flowers

Quartz2208 · 26/09/2023 08:05

@Spopssas you need counselling as well, it clear that his father was a very violent man and your fear comes not from anything your son has said or done but from a fear he is going to be his father, and to allay your fears about leaving him. And to address the harm the relationship did to you

a ppn is a public protection notice, it marks your son as a vulnerable person who needs safeguarding and set up a potential multi agency response. It should bring in help and you really do need it

maybe try some joint therapy as well to repair your relationship - your issues with his father seem to mean yiu don’t trust him - you need to let that go, he needs your unconditional love