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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my boyfriend is being really muggy?

290 replies

DeepDishCookie78 · 22/09/2023 10:23

I have been with my boyfriend about a year now. We live about 1 hour 45 minutes away from each other. I have one child and he has none. I have my own home whereas he has had to move back home for a while because his ex got him into some financial difficulties (he is 28 years old and I am 27).

He had booked a surprise weekend for us that was meant to be today until Sunday. It was obviously a surprise when he booked it but he had to give me a few weeks notice to arrange the childcare and for the pets to be looked after.

He has had a really stressful last couple of weeks so said that he wanted to go alone. I was disappointed as it had been booked weeks in advance, I had gone to the trouble to arrange the childcare and for the animals and we don’t get to see each other on our own for quality time very much.

Fast forward to today and he is now taking his dad with him (the trip is to watch a sports game as I have wanted to watch one live for ages). He is definitely going with his dad as I could hear them speaking in the background when he rang.

AIBU to feel really pissed off and mugged off about this? He knows that I still have the childcare and everything arranged (my child still wanted to go and stay with relatives so I kept the plan the same for that) and instead of taking the opportunity to spend quality time with me, he has now suddenly decided that he doesn’t want to go alone but has chosen his dad instead?

OP posts:
honeybeetheoneandonly · 22/09/2023 15:24

I hope you are googling "places to go" this weekend. You could be on a train, plane or bus somewhere by tonight. I once did an impromptu weekend in Europe that had a cheap flight from my local airport. It was fab.
It is entirely within your power whether you allow this to happen again or not. I'm rooting for you.

CharlieBoo · 22/09/2023 14:39

Bin him.. bin him.. bin him

Mirabai · 22/09/2023 14:28

DeepDishCookie78 · 22/09/2023 11:46

I think a lot of people have just echoed exactly what I’ve been thinking but I’m just so scared of not having him in my life anymore. I had such bad anxiety before I met him and on the one hand, he has let me down A LOT even when he knows how upset it makes me but he has also helped me a lot with my anxiety and encouraged me to go out and do things by myself and I’ve made such a lot of progress, I think I’m just scared I’m going to go back downhill without him having some sort of presence in my life if that makes sense?!

It’s not really his job to help you with your anxiety - it’s good you’ve made steps forward but you need a therapist not a half-arsed bf.

CollagenQueen · 22/09/2023 14:27

AngelinaFibres · 22/09/2023 11:01

No 28 year old man turns down guaranteed sex to go away alone/ with his dad. He's got another woman . If you drive past his dad's house when he is supposedly away I dare say you will see him clear as day.

Angelina called it on page 1.

So what that you heard his Dad in the background? He lives with his Dad, so that's not unusual. His Dad either :

a) Isn't going
b) Is maybe going for one night only, leaving the other night free for OW

And his Dad may well be covering for him.

You'd have to be a spectacular bastard to get your GF to arrange child care and pet care for a weekend away, and then pull the rug on her at the last minute.

You wouldn't do it, unless there was something else infinitely better on offer. And that isn't your foosty old Dad, that you live with 24/7.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 22/09/2023 14:16

out with friends tonight and have a nice childfree lie in tomorrow and reconsider the relationship

Wouldyouguess · 22/09/2023 14:15

I think he will only be increasing your anxiety, bin him and find someone who is actually worht your time.

whynotwhatknot · 22/09/2023 14:15

he arranged a weekend with his gf-she had to organise as she has kids then he decides nah i want to go alone
then its well actually my dad is coming

he so9unds about 15 and doesnt live in the real world

satellitesunshine · 22/09/2023 14:10

err, bin him. keep the childcare, get yourself on tinder and find someone new to go on a date with this weekend. what a tosser

Needaholi · 22/09/2023 14:09

Have some self respect and dump that tw*t. Rather be on my own that have someone letting me down like that.
He is being muggy but you are being a mug.

Graciebobcat · 22/09/2023 14:08

Yes, I would take that as a message that I was not a priority for him and finish it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/09/2023 14:02

This would be a dumping offence for me. Very disrespectful and incredibly rude.

EuphemiaFuckaduck · 22/09/2023 14:01

Dillane · 22/09/2023 13:42

his ex got him into some financial difficulties

That old trope 🙄

Yes - that's bollocks, too.

momtoboys · 22/09/2023 13:59

I'm sorry, but I think this is a classic case of "he's just not that into you" syndrome. I would bin him or prepare to be binned.

EuphemiaFuckaduck · 22/09/2023 13:59

Bin him. If you already have anxiety, the last thing you need is a boyfriend who makes you more anxious.

Have a bit of time off men, then find one who's an actual man, not an overgrown child.

Passepartoute · 22/09/2023 13:59

Needmorelego · 22/09/2023 10:27

He obviously wants to talk to his Dad about something or maybe there's something going on with his Dad and they want to spend time together.
If this is a one off let it go.

He lives with his Dad. He has 24 hours a day available to him for talking to him.

DuesToTheDirt · 22/09/2023 13:57

DeepDishCookie78 · 22/09/2023 11:46

I think a lot of people have just echoed exactly what I’ve been thinking but I’m just so scared of not having him in my life anymore. I had such bad anxiety before I met him and on the one hand, he has let me down A LOT even when he knows how upset it makes me but he has also helped me a lot with my anxiety and encouraged me to go out and do things by myself and I’ve made such a lot of progress, I think I’m just scared I’m going to go back downhill without him having some sort of presence in my life if that makes sense?!

And think of what it will be like if this is the pattern for your life together over the next 50 years.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/09/2023 13:53

Rosiem2808 · 22/09/2023 12:36

OP Someone like this will always add to your anxieties. He is not dependable and what he has done to you now is really rather unkind. If I were you I would not be making the first move when he returns from his lovely break away with his dad.
And while he is away have some nice time to yourself and pamper yourself a bit/a lot.
If this were me I would be ending the relationship as he is not very nice.

this . Sorry OP, what he did was so disappointing and you say its not the first time he's made arrangements and cancelled to do something with his mates instead.

You have made your own progress with things but I don't think you should worry that you will go downhill without him. Its more likely if you stayed and were continuously let down by someone as selfish and unrelable.

As others have said plan a nice weekend for yourself, enjoy your free time and also seeing your LO when the weekend is over.

Maray1967 · 22/09/2023 13:45

ManateeFair · 22/09/2023 10:37

Are you fucking joking? If there is something going on with his Dad or he wants to talk to his dad about something, he can see his Dad any time he likes rather than deciding to take his Dad on the surprise weekend away he had booked for him and his girlfriend to attend a special event she'd been really excited about and had booked childcare for etc.

Also, initially he told her he was going to go alone - WTF? Who the fuck books weekend away for their partner and then, last minute, says 'Actually, you can stay home because I'd rather go without you?'

OP, you haven't been together for very long, you don't see each other very often because of the distance anyway, and I suspect there are all sorts of things that he's been hiding from you because he is essentially living an entirely separate life when he's not with you. This isn't really a proper relationship, in all honesty, and I think you should end it.

Show quote history

Agreed. You can’t invite someone on a weekend away and then turn round and say you’re taking someone else and expect a relationship to continue!!

5128gap · 22/09/2023 13:45

I'm sure it will be difficult for you not to have him in your life OP. I'm sure there will be things about him and the relationship you will really miss. However, there are so many issues, it's also going to be very difficult if you keep him in your life, and those difficulties will last a lot longer.
Think of how you feel now. The disappointment, resentment, sadness. Imagine a future where you have to repeatedly go through this. Compare that to a few miserable weeks where you adjust to him not being around, followed by a future where you know where you stand and what to expect. Either independently or in a relationship with a better man.

BryceQuinlan · 22/09/2023 13:44

He may have encouraged you out and in dealing with your anxiety, but don't give him more credit than is due. YOU also managed to move through your anxiety and do better, and you will continue to do so. He is not the be all and end all for you or your mental health. He is just a boyfriend (and an ex boyfriend in my suggestion).

AllSewnUp · 22/09/2023 13:43

If someone invites you to something then rescinds the invitation, personally I don't think the person who has been so rudely let down should be doing the chasing to find out why. And he's said he is stressed so wants to go alone, but now he's going with his dad? 🧐 Yeah I'd have questions too, but I wouldn't bother asking them, I'd be ending it. The reason doesn't matter, his attitude and poor behaviour does matter, and ultimately how someone treats you tells you how much respect they have for you.

I expect you've lost money having to sort the care for your pets out too, OP?

It doesn't add up. He thinks it's fine to treat you like this. It isn't though, is it?

Judge folk on their behaviour, their actions, not just what they say. In any case, all of this from him is awful. He's effectively lied to you by telling you he wants to go on his own, as he isn't!

Dillane · 22/09/2023 13:42

his ex got him into some financial difficulties

That old trope 🙄

Cas112 · 22/09/2023 13:40

Garihairy · 22/09/2023 10:30

he has had to move back home for a while because his ex got him into some financial difficulties

Beware the man who blames his ex for whatever. That might not be the case here, but just be aware that this is a potential red flag.

This

Mammyloveswine · 22/09/2023 13:36

Id sack him off....

WomblingTree86 · 22/09/2023 13:33

I would beware of a man who says his ex got him into financial difficulty and is now living with a parent. My ex did exactly the same thing when we were in our 20s and it was bollocks. He got himself into financial difficulty due to overspending (which I used to try and persuade him to stop to no avail) and I was actually far better off when I stopped going out with him. Are you sure he's even paid for this trip? Maybe his dad paid and that's real reason he's going.