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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my boyfriend is being really muggy?

290 replies

DeepDishCookie78 · 22/09/2023 10:23

I have been with my boyfriend about a year now. We live about 1 hour 45 minutes away from each other. I have one child and he has none. I have my own home whereas he has had to move back home for a while because his ex got him into some financial difficulties (he is 28 years old and I am 27).

He had booked a surprise weekend for us that was meant to be today until Sunday. It was obviously a surprise when he booked it but he had to give me a few weeks notice to arrange the childcare and for the pets to be looked after.

He has had a really stressful last couple of weeks so said that he wanted to go alone. I was disappointed as it had been booked weeks in advance, I had gone to the trouble to arrange the childcare and for the animals and we don’t get to see each other on our own for quality time very much.

Fast forward to today and he is now taking his dad with him (the trip is to watch a sports game as I have wanted to watch one live for ages). He is definitely going with his dad as I could hear them speaking in the background when he rang.

AIBU to feel really pissed off and mugged off about this? He knows that I still have the childcare and everything arranged (my child still wanted to go and stay with relatives so I kept the plan the same for that) and instead of taking the opportunity to spend quality time with me, he has now suddenly decided that he doesn’t want to go alone but has chosen his dad instead?

OP posts:
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MariaLuna · 25/04/2024 01:12

he’s living in their house.

I checked and nowhere did I read he's "living in their house"

OP, he changed the goal posts, sorry for the cliche, now is your time to go and do your own thing. You've organised the babysitting.

WOMEN! Never depend on a man to do the right thing when they get a better offer.

Become independent! Your future self will thank you.

Pherian · 29/09/2023 16:19

DeepDishCookie78 · 22/09/2023 11:10

@Needmorelego he used to do it a lot in the beginning (first 3-4 months), always cancelling plans to spend time with friends and family instead, then he got better and now it looks like it’s going back to how it used to be again 🤷‍♀️

Basically he got away with it previously and he is expecting to get away with it again.

momtoboys · 29/09/2023 14:15

@DeepDishCookie78 I have been thinking about you and hope that all is well.

Scylax · 27/09/2023 19:09

What a dreadful experience for you; I’m so glad you’re free and staying strong! You do not need anyone treating you (or your child!) like that. You’ve obviously made huge strides on conquering your anxiety too :) don’t let him wear you down, block him and move forward.

GodDammitCecil · 25/09/2023 23:51

You didn’t even need to add that @YerArseInParsley

The relationship is over.

YerArseInParsley · 25/09/2023 23:46

I've nothing more to add to what's already been said, he's not that into you.

If it was me I would not be contacting him, see how long it takes him and ask the questions when he does then move on from him.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 25/09/2023 19:44

Singleandfab · 25/09/2023 14:17

You definitely need to ask directly, ‘What happened this weekend?’ Listen very carefully to the response. I’d almost write the words down!

Unless he has a very understandable reason, I think I’d probably dump him! What kind of man has a stressful few weeks and instead of relying on his girlfriend of A YEAR, goes alone to think things through but actually takes his Dad?

He managed to get into debt as a single man without dependents, had to move in with his parents and expects you to run your own household with a child and pet, arrange for them to be looked after for a weekend to ‘spoil you’ and then changes his mind.

At 28 he should be more mature than this, sorry!

xx.

OP has updated to say that the relationship is over. There is a "see all" link at the bottom right of the original post that lets you see all the OP's updates without having to trawl through the whole thread.

Singleandfab · 25/09/2023 14:17

You definitely need to ask directly, ‘What happened this weekend?’ Listen very carefully to the response. I’d almost write the words down!

Unless he has a very understandable reason, I think I’d probably dump him! What kind of man has a stressful few weeks and instead of relying on his girlfriend of A YEAR, goes alone to think things through but actually takes his Dad?

He managed to get into debt as a single man without dependents, had to move in with his parents and expects you to run your own household with a child and pet, arrange for them to be looked after for a weekend to ‘spoil you’ and then changes his mind.

At 28 he should be more mature than this, sorry!

xx.

Olika · 25/09/2023 05:59

Stick to your guns. You can find a man who isn't giving you all the unnecessary drama. So off putting.

CherryMaDeara · 25/09/2023 04:40

DeepDishCookie78 · 25/09/2023 01:54

@Daisybuttercup12345 oh yes, forgot to update the thread - I did ask him because I just felt like I needed an explanation - and he said that he told his dad that he was going alone and that his dad ‘insisted’ that he joined him.

Either too spineless to say no or too much of a daddy’s boy - either way, not for me thank you!

Or he’s lying and always intended to take his dad.

Or else he would have told his dad straight up that he was going with you.

He probably gets out of paying rent this way.

Original poster
DeepDishCookie78 · 25/09/2023 01:54

@Daisybuttercup12345 oh yes, forgot to update the thread - I did ask him because I just felt like I needed an explanation - and he said that he told his dad that he was going alone and that his dad ‘insisted’ that he joined him.

Either too spineless to say no or too much of a daddy’s boy - either way, not for me thank you!

OP posts:
Daisybuttercup12345 · 24/09/2023 21:32

Ask him?
If he is just Daddy's little boy then get rid!!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/09/2023 21:05

Well done for standing up to him OP. Glad you had a lovely day out with your family.

He randomly blocked you because he knew you would not be happy about being messed around over the weekend.... as Pp said he did it to "scare" you.. and then phoned twice to justify himself and sweettalk you round.
What a Prince.
He's one of those that likes to switch the affection on and off without warning to keep you on side and con you into putting up with his nonsense, just because he can.
Whilst it may be sad to end a relationship, you will probably be more mourning the end of the relationship you wanted, rather than the one he actually permitted you to have - you will be much better off and much less anxious without this idiot messing you around in the way that he has.

Loloj · 24/09/2023 20:08

Garihairy · 22/09/2023 10:30

he has had to move back home for a while because his ex got him into some financial difficulties

Beware the man who blames his ex for whatever. That might not be the case here, but just be aware that this is a potential red flag.

Absolutely this. I doubt “his ex got him into financial difficulty”. Sounds like a good excuse for not being able to sort his own finances out- easy to blame the ex.

What an awful thing to do - you’re definitely better off without this one!

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 24/09/2023 18:57

Shewhomustbeobeyed1 · 24/09/2023 02:46

God how do sone of these ball-breaker, man-hating women on here ever become mums? This used to be a support network for a bit of fun and support for each other.
when did it turn into a website where sowing the seeds if doubt in women’s minds happen?
Come on girls where’s the support and female camaraderie?
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves…grow up ffs

support and female camaraderie

Means validating the OP's gut feeling that something is wrong and reassuring her that she deserves better. Not gaslighting her into ignoring her feeling that something is wrong. You know, the feeling of wrongness that prompted her to post in the first place?

hobbcat · 24/09/2023 15:36

Lots of red flags here.

He sounds immature and not worth the effort tbh

threatmatrix · 24/09/2023 12:13

I think you know deep down that this is now over. Do not let a man demean you like that.

AmIAutumnalNow · 24/09/2023 11:42

RampantIvy · 24/09/2023 11:05

SHE HAS DUMPED HIM

Well thank god you're here to keep us all right

How many times have you posted this.

Relax

AmIAutumnalNow · 24/09/2023 11:40

Shewhomustbeobeyed1 · 24/09/2023 02:46

God how do sone of these ball-breaker, man-hating women on here ever become mums? This used to be a support network for a bit of fun and support for each other.
when did it turn into a website where sowing the seeds if doubt in women’s minds happen?
Come on girls where’s the support and female camaraderie?
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves…grow up ffs

Shhhh

zingally · 24/09/2023 11:34

He's just not THAT into you, OP.

T1Dmama · 24/09/2023 11:25

DeepDishCookie78 · 23/09/2023 19:51

So, I got home from a lovely day out and he rang me twice trying to justify himself… told him to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine and I’m not changing my mind and I’m moving on - feeling very proud of myself right now as before I would have given in! 💐

OMG @DeepDishCookie78 … well done !!

So he randomly blocks you… then because you stand up to him he calls to try to get back together??… definitely sounds like an abusive man who was hoping you’d beg and cry so he’d get away with cancelling your trip! Because you stood up to him he was shocked his plan to control you didn’t work!

Well done and good luck finding someone more worthy !

p.s You don’t NEED a man, always remember that!! Get support off family and friends and seek out CBT for your anxiety… challenge yourself to do small things you wouldn’t usually do and slowly build on it . Good luck x

T1Dmama · 24/09/2023 11:13

DeepDishCookie78 · 22/09/2023 11:46

I think a lot of people have just echoed exactly what I’ve been thinking but I’m just so scared of not having him in my life anymore. I had such bad anxiety before I met him and on the one hand, he has let me down A LOT even when he knows how upset it makes me but he has also helped me a lot with my anxiety and encouraged me to go out and do things by myself and I’ve made such a lot of progress, I think I’m just scared I’m going to go back downhill without him having some sort of presence in my life if that makes sense?!

This is a huge red flag @DeepDishCookie78 …. When men make you feel like you can’t cope without them, yet also make you feel insecure because they cancel dates to… let’s say go out with mates instead, or attend romantic weekends booked for you WITH THEIR DAD… I’d say that’s a very abusive controlling relationship!
I’ve been in your situation, where a partner made me feel like a million dollars and I felt like I couldn’t be without him, but on the other hand occasionally made me feel so awful about myself, made me second guess my own feelings …. For example I was some possessive girlfriend for being upset that he cancelled me for me his mates…. Like it was me in the wrong and I was just jealous for being upset that he cancelled something we’d planned to do together so he could get drunk with his mates…. I couldn’t see it at the time, but once the relationship was over I felt so silly for putting up with it all!!
I would suggest that he sees you as a bit of a doormat because you’ve put up with this behaviour even early on in the relationship…. And I don’t believe him cancelling you like this helps your anxiety at all!!…. Call a friend and make the most of your day of childcare or even book the cinema and go alone.. sod him! I’d get great pleasure out of going to the cinema alone and him knowing that you did it independently of his so called support…
I’d have to dump him too…. He treats you like a booty call…. There’s someone better out there for you that will treat you better…. And I also agree ex partners don’t get you into debt, his ex girlfriends debts were hers and hers alone (Unless it was joint rent which he would’ve been aware she wasn’t paying)… my friends ex liked to do this, blame ex’s for debts… but she soon learnt he continually spending money he didn’t have and then would allow her to help him pay them off…

RampantIvy · 24/09/2023 11:05

SHE HAS DUMPED HIM

Wouldyouguess · 24/09/2023 10:46

Sage71 · 24/09/2023 07:36

Speak to him, you have no idea why this has come about. If his dad has just been diagnosed with an illness and wants to speak to him this could be a very good reason. If there is no reason then re-evaluate but don’t just assume.

I wonder why people always come up with some weird scenarios to excuse shitty behaviour.
If his dad all of a sudden got diagnosed, still does not excuse why he was planning to go alone in first place after changing the plans or why he would not communicate anything.

Blondebrunette1 · 24/09/2023 10:25

How much do you like him? And how serious do you deem this to be?

I think you have to accept that his actions would tell you he's just not that into you. If your relationship is casual and not serious then I don't think it's as shocking. I mean, I've had relationship A, where we see each other just of a weekend because of work/distance etc and we had fun but lived very independently and weren't close, I'd have been annoyed by this behaviour from the relationship but expect it and know they're not for me long term.
Then I've had a relationship B, where we've lived 2.5 hours apart but he'd have driven to see me after work as much as he could because Friday to Sunday together just felt like it wasn't enough.... he would be in constant contact and there is no way he'd not have wanted me on the break away.
In my experience, relationship A rarely turns into relationship B, I'd ditch him if that isn't what you're looking for x