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Original poster

MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

281 replies

Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 20:41

MIL has been with her partner for 20 years and they’ve decided to get married. She rang my DH and it turns out the date they’ve booked is my birthday (a milestone birthday) which falls on a weekday. Apparently she remembered it was my birthday and there were a few other dates but this was the cheapest. She told my DH after it was booked.

She’s invited my DH (who she wants to give her away) but it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited. It’s not easy for me to get time off work as I work in a term time only role so I don’t get holiday. We also have kids with Sen and aside from my mum we wouldn’t have anyone to be there when they got home (they attend a specialist provision). MIL hasn’t asked if anyone will be home to see the kids in and the meal after is booked for lunchtime and the venue is an hour and a half away. So I assume she doesn’t want me to go.

DH has a sibling but they have no children and a flexible job. MIL’s partner’s sibling we’ve never been invited to meet only has his kids every other weekend so it’s not an issue.

We’ve had issues in the past as she’s been quite passive aggressive towards me (would ignore me and only talk to my DH, would offer only him food and drink when we went to see her etc). We did get married without her but we married with two friends as witnesses as the kids would’ve found even a small wedding too much so they stayed with my mum and we didn’t think it fair to invite one parent when the other couldn’t come.

In short, are we right to be a bit cross and hurt? They’re not short of money and a weekend would’ve only cost an extra £100.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 20/09/2023 08:10

You are SUCH a hypocrite. Weddings are about "celebrating with your family"... except when it suits you? And why should your mil sort out the logistics of your attendance for you? You'd probably have accused her of meddling if she'd tried to.

I'd love to hear her side of the story...

Spinet · 20/09/2023 08:09

I don't know why your H hasn't asked who is invited! It seems they are unable to communicate.

For me she probably is being spiteful to pick your big birthday if she is inviting DH and not you, but the best way you can deflect that is by planning something else and really not giving a shit. She might see it as a power move but you don't have to.

Brefugee · 20/09/2023 08:05

Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 07:35

@Cosyblankets, she could’ve gone for a weekend if she’d wanted to guarantee the kids would come. She did say there were other dates she could’ve chosen.

I stupidly thought that for most weddings it was about celebrating with your family. We didn’t have the choice with ours (it’s better now and the older ones can cope and want to do more things).

That's disingenuous. If you really thought weddings were for families you'd have made yours work do both families could be there. (the grannies could have tag-teamed the childcare, for eg)

You have to accept that you have an antipathy towards each other and move on. And fgs, you're a grown woman: if you don't want to visit her, don't

Daffodilwoman · 20/09/2023 08:05

And this is the problem with mid week weddings. The bride and groom do it to save a few £, yet it inconveniences virtually 100% of the guests.
The mil sounds unpleasant but, you excluded her from your wedding however you want to justify it. She us treating you the same. Celebrate your birthday at the weekend. Stop making any effort with her. Just live your life. You can’t change her.

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 08:04

I could swap my work days around if needed though the day she has picked isn’t ideal and she knows I work on that day. My mum could travel in to be with the kids though she has her own commitments and MIL hasn’t even asked if there will be someone here for the kids. And no they can’t stay at home on their own.

I think I’ve probably given it too much headspace. Her behaviour really bothered me when I first started seeing my DH and then over time I’ve let it go as she clearly doesn’t want the kind of relationship I’d like. I’ll disengage and let my DH sort it all. When she decides to visit the kids don’t usually want to see her and I push them to come and say hello but I think going forward, I won’t bother and DH can if he wants. When I met DH, she was a single mum and my DH was a bit like a stand in husband as she lent quite heavily on him.

OP posts:
MsRosley · 20/09/2023 07:57
  1. A milestone birthday is important and it's okay for you to be upset about your MIL picking that day. I agree it's deliberately passive-aggressive.
  2. It's okay for you to dislike your MIL. I would in your shoes.
  3. It's not okay for your DH to force you to keep meeting her when she is so rude and antagonistic.
Purplewarrior · 20/09/2023 07:53

Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 22:58

@kweeble, my DH doesn’t ever want to visit her on his own. I’ve said I’m fed up of being dragged to visit her when she’s not overly nice.

Tough shit. Agree with PP he doesn’t get to use you as a human shield. Just don’t go any more.

I am still confused about how you can’t attend the wedding anyway because you couldn’t have time off that day, but you were going out for a birthday lunch with DH???

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 07:49

@Hardbackwriter, I was a sahm and as unromantic as it sounds along with wanting to marry my husband as I love him, as relationships where there are children with Sen can end up falling apart I wanted the security of marriage. It wasn’t our ideal wedding if you can even call it that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 07:47

Thanks everyone. I suspect I do give it too much headspace but being a parent to kids with Sen has been really isolating and you think the one thing you do have guaranteed is family but I guess it’s not always the case.

Like I’ve said my wedding was difficult but it was 10 years ago and my kids have changed now. It does upset them the way their gran isn’t interested in them but I probably need to care less about it. If she’s deliberately done this to be petty which I suspect she has, I’ll let my DH deal with it. He can sort a present for her wedding.

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 20/09/2023 07:43

Surely you had choices, including waiting to get married? It's bizarre that you think it's OK for you to prioritise other things than having family at your own wedding but not for anyone else to do the same.

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 07:41

I mentioned my birthday because as well as picking a work day it seemed relevant. Because it feels a bit like she’s done it on purpose.

My kids were much younger then as we got married 10 years ago. They’re now teenagers. They have grown up and although they still have struggles, i know if I got married now they could attend with the exception of one of the younger ones.

I don’t control her life and I certainly wouldn’t expect her not to get married but I had hoped she’d have thought as we were a family, that she’d have at least thought a week day would be that bit trickier. But maybe she doesn’t care if we are there or not.

I don’t dislike her. Never once have I said that I do. I’ve been hurt by her behaviour but I’ve never said I don’t like her.

OP posts:
feralunderclass · 20/09/2023 07:41

OP you didn't have your dc at your wedding, so why would your MIL, who according to you, isn't interested in them, going to bend over backwards to accommodate them. I really think you've minimised not inviting her to your wedding.
It sounds as if your family and her don't have a great dynamic anyway. The wedding is a side issue, I think her feeding your DH and not you is a much bigger issue. It's sad, but you need to come to terms with it, and your DH needs to grow a back bone.

Azaeleasinbloom · 20/09/2023 07:39

I think your MIL is being petty, choosing your birthday for her wedding, my MIL used to pull similar crap - plan something for the family on my birthday, or my mum’s, which was in no way meant to include me.

I stopped visiting and left it to DH. I don’t see why you should be dragged to see his mother when he has done nothing to address her behaviour.

Count yourself lucky. If you can, meet your own mum for lunch on your birthday , or a friend.

And because I can also be petty, if the question arises, I would be doing nothing towards her day - no buying gifts or cards, no sorting DH’s suit etc.

Aprilx · 20/09/2023 07:38

YABU. You are planning to be at work on your milestone birthday so I really cannot see why it matters that she is getting married on this day. And no you really can’t complain that somebody didn’t invite you to their wedding when you didn’t invite them to yours.

SuperCam · 20/09/2023 07:36

I think it’s quite clear your MIL isn’t interested in you or your children sadly, so why expect her to change things now? . I wouldn’t give her any more headspace. You need to accept how she is and then decide if you’re going to engage with her at all, or just via DH, or all go low contact (sounds like you already are really). Don’t waste emotion and thinking time on this wedding as she’s not going to start taking her DIL and her GC into account suddenly when she’s clearly not bothered about them or you.

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 07:35

@Cosyblankets, she could’ve gone for a weekend if she’d wanted to guarantee the kids would come. She did say there were other dates she could’ve chosen.

I stupidly thought that for most weddings it was about celebrating with your family. We didn’t have the choice with ours (it’s better now and the older ones can cope and want to do more things).

OP posts:
Tontostitis · 20/09/2023 07:35

You reap what you sow. You dh doesn't stand up to you for his mother or to his mother for you. You don't like her, didn't want her at your wedding and she doesn't want you at hers.

ShouldIstayOrShouldIgonowww · 20/09/2023 07:33

Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 07:30

The main point is I’m not to fussed about my birthday. The thing that is a bit frustrating is that again it doesn’t feel like MIL is interested in us being part of her life. My mum when we do something or she organises something asks if it will be suitable for the kids, works round it and factors us and the kids in. It feels like MIL hasn’t done that and done it on my birthday. Again. That’s what we’re frustrated about the lack of thought. She could get married on the moon and that would totally be her choice. We don’t have a big family. And as a parent of kids with Sen you want to feel like they have people. I’m an only child, there’s just my mum and my DH’s sibling isn’t interested (that is again their choice and that’s fair enough). It just feels like a huge indicate of how she feels towards us.

But maybe I’m asking too much. I appreciate my birthday isn’t a big deal. That I can do it at the weekend.

But of course it wouldn't be suitable for the kids if they couldn't even cope with your wedding. What do you expect for her not to get married?

And of course it's about the birthday otherwise you wouldn't keep mentioning it.

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 07:32

@Brefugee, we got married 10 odd years ago. MIL has been with her partner 20 years and it’s only in the last few weeks them getting married has been mentioned to us.

OP posts:
Cosyblankets · 20/09/2023 07:32

If she had invited you and the kids the thread would have been about how the kids wouldn't cope or couldn't be taken out of school.
If she invited you without the kids it would have been i can't go I've got to be there for the kids etc.
You don't actually know yet that you're not invited.
She doesn't sound very nice but i get the feeling she wouldn't win whatever she did

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 07:30

The main point is I’m not to fussed about my birthday. The thing that is a bit frustrating is that again it doesn’t feel like MIL is interested in us being part of her life. My mum when we do something or she organises something asks if it will be suitable for the kids, works round it and factors us and the kids in. It feels like MIL hasn’t done that and done it on my birthday. Again. That’s what we’re frustrated about the lack of thought. She could get married on the moon and that would totally be her choice. We don’t have a big family. And as a parent of kids with Sen you want to feel like they have people. I’m an only child, there’s just my mum and my DH’s sibling isn’t interested (that is again their choice and that’s fair enough). It just feels like a huge indicate of how she feels towards us.

But maybe I’m asking too much. I appreciate my birthday isn’t a big deal. That I can do it at the weekend.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 20/09/2023 07:29

This does feel like a "see how she likes it......" move.

Tbh if this is a 20 year revenge move? As a Petty and Vindictive (over small but significant to me slights) I can only applaud this move 😂

inappropriateraspberry · 20/09/2023 07:28

If you can't get the time off, you would be working on your birthday anyway?
If you don't like her, why are you upset you may not be at the wedding? In your position id be thankful not be involved in it!

Brefugee · 20/09/2023 07:25

Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 22:58

@kweeble, my DH doesn’t ever want to visit her on his own. I’ve said I’m fed up of being dragged to visit her when she’s not overly nice.

Meh that's on you.
I loathed my MIL so aside of one duty visit after we married, I left her to DH.

Lahdedahiam · 20/09/2023 07:22

Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 07:13

To clear a few bits up, I’ve never said I don’t like her. I have an issue with her behaviour towards me and the kids and yes DH is partly at fault for allowing it to go on for as long as it has. His reasoning has been we don’t see much of his mum so he can’t be bothered to rock the boat.

Yes I work term time only but I don’t work in a school. I work for a small company and I work remotely so there’s a degree of flex in my day unless something is booked in. Meetings tend to pop up last minute but not around lunchtime.

I didn’t have the wedding I wanted, I had the wedding that best suited my children. My mum was disappointed she couldn’t come but someone had to watch the children and we had no other childcare believe me I looked. It seemed very unfair for one parent to be with the kids whilst the other came to the wedding. We thought it was best all round to try and save anyone being upset but it seems like MIL didn’t appreciate this and now years later she’s showing it. She doesn’t really have a clue about our children due to lack of interest. She asked if our kids would grow out of their neurodiversity.

And yes MIL is completely entitled to the wedding she chooses, it’s her day. I’ve said that to my husband as he wasn’t overly pleased. I think it’s just the lack of thought that even if I’m invited that MIL hasn’t even asked if someone will able to come in and see the kids.

Do you want your MIL to think about how you deal with your children being looked after? Don't people just issue invites and expect the recipient to delete with the logistics?

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