MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

You are a role model for your children. You are teaching them that this is the normal way of doing things. Would you be happy for your children to have a marriage like this? They may not understand or see everything....but it's incidious, they're picking up on things.
You deserve a better life. No partner is a better life.

OP you could predict that you’d have neurodivergent children as it’s genetic and yours, your husbands and your relatives challenges with navigating social situations scream neurodivergence.

You are suffering extreme rejection sensitivity dysphoria even though your MIL is simply behaving in the way you did and planning a wedding to suit her. You don’t even know who and who isn’t invited but your communication issues are preventing you from asking. You are bogged down in the detail (MILs behaviour) rather than the bigger picture - you and your husbands relationship and your issues regarding your boundaries.

A lot of your MILs behaviour, such as potentially planning a wedding to minimise the guest list and struggling to talk to you at her home could be social anxiety. Potentially holding a grudge for so many years could also be an outcome of her own RSD. The overriding need to save money despite the other issues it causes could be fixed thinking.

I get you have SN kids. I've got 3, I get it. It doesnt, no matter what reasons, whether those reasons are valid take away the fact she didn't get to see her child get married. The reasons dont matter. The well I couldn't have one and not the other reasons don't matter. It is what it is and it's obviously stung her. Instead of defending it with excuses, you could have validated that hurt with her

That said, they say our son's marry woman similar to their mother's. So there's probably a reason you both clash.

This is your golden opportunity to stop going along to these visits. So what if your bloke wants you there? Tough. She's his mother, he can deal with her. Why you want to go to her wedding is beyond me anyroad.

@Auntiegaston
You say that your kids will need someone at home with them and you did not invite her to your wedding, so are your reasons any less valid than your reasons for excluding her?

The 2 of you clearly do not care for each other, so I really don't see a problem with you not being invited. Why would you want to go somewhere that you are really not wanted and for someone about whom you have negative feelings?

Your not going should be a win/win for both of you.

I really don't think either you or your husband have a leg to stand on when it comes to her wedding. You are assuming choices for her. She might not want anyone there but her son, she might want it on a week day and she might want it tiny and fuss free. Those are her choices just as you made yours. Yes having children with SEN provides extra challenges but you excluded her rightly or wrongly from yours and are now complaining your excluded? Yes it's hurtful but she would have felt the same about her son getting married without her there. Pick your battles. This isn't one to fight

@SerafinasGoose i think you can still have a wedding without fuss and fanfare and invite your own mother. It's terribly hurtful.

Unless a parent was abusive/ terrible childhood or against the marriage and gonna make a scene, I i can't think of any acceptable reason to not invite your mother. May not be a big deal to OP but seems was a big deal to her MIL

and yes a marriage is not it's all about the parents etc but i'm not sure i completely go with what the bride wants they get - if you are a kind person you consider others

Please stop letting this eat at you. Its not worth your energy.

Your MIL doesn't understand the issues you have daily dealing with you family, the stresses, the anxiety points etc. Because she has hardly been involved with you and the children. She's just doesn't get it.

You don't have a close relationship for whatever reasons. And that sounds like a good thing as would she be a support if more involved in your life ? Doesn't sound like it - sounds like she'd cause more hassle for you.

She might be being awkward with her wedding to "get back " at you. But maybe she's got stuff going on and this wedding fits with her and her husband to be (e.g. getting married due to health issues, financial purposes, don't see the point of expense on a wedding just want to be married, want it simple).

Some weddings are practical, not to have family/friend celebrations - and you know that with your own wedding
But just because you wanted to celebrate with more people doesn't mean others want to for their wedding.

If you are lonely seek out parent groups whose young people have SEND/disabilities. They'll get it, I find the peer support so valuable.

(I have children with physical disabilities and autism, ADHD and other medical issues - i sympathise. We can't always make family events, sometimes we don't get asked as we are "hassle" with accessibility, ending space for feeding/rest etc.

My in-laws got married when they were in their 50's with none of their children there. My husband was hurt to not be there, but his parents wanted to get married, with little planning, with no fuss, with their closest friends as witnesses and then go home and drink red wine).

You say it's unclear if you and your children are invited. Presumably if you could get the time off and bring them you would be invited, but you didn't even have them at your own wedding (because they're a handful and wouldn't enjoy it) so I'd say going by previous events everyone's thinking you and the children won't come.
As for the timing of the wedding that's entirely down to them. I seriously doubt that date has been chosen just because it's your birthday. You didn't have your own parents, children or PILs at your wedding so I'd imagine you're not particularly sentimental about these sorts of things and are more of a practical person.They've chosen a practical option for themselves.
If you're that bothered about celebrating/attending 'occasions' ask your parents if they'll have kids overnight from school. Get dressed up, join OH and spend a night in a hotel and have a day out and lunch on Saturday before collecting the kids.

Why? Some people want a small wedding with as little fanfare as possible. It's not about what the in-laws want but nor is it intended as a personal affront.

The MiL is, of course, perfectly at liberty to exercise the same choice for herself but here's where this differs. The OP and her DH married with only two other people present. They didn't discriminate but chose the option they believed best for themselves, for the reasons they see fit. MiL, on the other hand, is passively aggressively issuing selective invitations. If this is a 'tit for tat' response, it really is exceptionally childish.

OP, why would you want to go? In your shoes I'd view the lack of invitation as a positive gift.

" MIL hasn’t even asked if someone will able to come in and see the kids."

You hardly see her so is it possible that she doesn't really know about the daily ins and outs of your childcare routines?

Your DH hasn't asked his own mother if his wife and kids are invited to her wedding?

It’s a weird set up, she doesn’t offer you lunch when you visit is plain rude. Your husband could give her away and stay for her a hour sand say I’m going to spend the rest of the day with my wife as it’s her special birthday. If your both working he could say as my wife’s not invited I’m not coming either. She wasn’t invited to your wedding so it could be tit for tat but she’s punishing you and not your husband. I’d maybe sit down and have a chat and resolve things or things are going to be awkward forever!

The whole thing is baffling. You don't know if you're not invited to a wedding of a person you don't really like, that you probably can't go to anyway because you're working and weddings are for family even though you didn't invite any to yours?

Tell husband to be sure to be home in time to celebrate your birthday after work. Never visit MIL again.

Job done

How come your dc couldn't attend your wedding but could go to the celebratory meal the next week? Just being nosy...

OP I get the heaviness of being a long term carer. Your MIL has made it clear that she isn't that interested, so you need to stop hoping/expecting inclusion. Some grandparents simply aren't that interested. Invest in the small village you do have instead.

This is a very side issue, but I get shocked/surprised when adults set aside their birthday day (and even some take a whole week!) and act like it's a sacred date that everyone needs to plan around. A wedding would definitely trump a birthday for me.

That definitely sounds like a spiteful/PA move from your MIL - quite cringeworthy really.

I would just try my hardest to re-frame this into a positive. You will now have the weekend to celebrate your milestone birthday for a start, so can celebrate it properly. You won't be able to go [and probably be treated poorly] to the wedding due to work and childcare arrangements.

Your MIL has shown you who she is yet again - this should help you drop the rope and start enforcing your boundaries. It is not ok that she treats you poorly when you visit - stop visiting or only go every few visits (and make it clear to your DH that you are doing it for him and if he allows poor treatment there won't be a next time).

My DH used to not stand up to his parents (it was him they treated poorly rather than me directly - but it definitely effect me and our DC). Eventually I enforced my boundaries properly and stopped caring what they thought and whether I made things 'difficult' for DH. I completely avoided mentioning them too. That seemed to flick a switch in DH and he started standing up for himself, for us and enforcing his own boundaries. Life it much better.

Take this as the gift that it is- you have been given permission not to be involved at all, so don't be! Put your focus into your birthday plans for the weekend (or even have something on both weekends?)

Would you allow yourself to be treated badly by a friend OP ?

Why on earth are you still visiting this awful woman,who treats you badly ?

Stand up to your useless Husband and say. .. absolutely no more visits to your mother from me.

She's got no interest in her grandchildren, treats you in a dismissive way, what have you got to lose ?

Of course she booked that date on purpose.

Let this be your defining moment, no more treating me like a doormat !

From what you say your Mother supports you and her Grandchildren, she therfore should be acknowledged for that.

Do nothing for that other person...no cards etc.

I don't think you're wrong at all

But this is aibu and I swear there are some who just immediately take the opposing view to the OP and however many explanations/reasons there are, they absolutely must paint the OP as wrong

Because circumstances are different?

Even women blame women for everything. So it’s not his doing, it’s the OP’s.

His own mother is obviously manipulating him and he’s allowing it. So clearly he bears no responsibility for anything.

Then stop going.

If he stands by while she treats you like shit then you don't owe either of them anything

And you have a DH problem not a MiL problem

This
I picked up this in your posts . You seem to want to play the victim. Your posts have passive aggressive wordings
and the poor me syndrome. And a bit of sarcasm thrown in too .

I don’t know why you’re bothered, to be honest. Sounds like you were planning to work that day anyway even though it’s your big birthday. She missed your wedding, you don’t love each other much, you miss her wedding.

The only thing I’d insist on is your husband being around after work/wedding to take you and the kids for a nice meal. That’ll teach her.

You don’t think a Mother should consider her son’s schedule when planning her registry wedding if she wants him to attend?