Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

281 replies

Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 20:41

MIL has been with her partner for 20 years and they’ve decided to get married. She rang my DH and it turns out the date they’ve booked is my birthday (a milestone birthday) which falls on a weekday. Apparently she remembered it was my birthday and there were a few other dates but this was the cheapest. She told my DH after it was booked.

She’s invited my DH (who she wants to give her away) but it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited. It’s not easy for me to get time off work as I work in a term time only role so I don’t get holiday. We also have kids with Sen and aside from my mum we wouldn’t have anyone to be there when they got home (they attend a specialist provision). MIL hasn’t asked if anyone will be home to see the kids in and the meal after is booked for lunchtime and the venue is an hour and a half away. So I assume she doesn’t want me to go.

DH has a sibling but they have no children and a flexible job. MIL’s partner’s sibling we’ve never been invited to meet only has his kids every other weekend so it’s not an issue.

We’ve had issues in the past as she’s been quite passive aggressive towards me (would ignore me and only talk to my DH, would offer only him food and drink when we went to see her etc). We did get married without her but we married with two friends as witnesses as the kids would’ve found even a small wedding too much so they stayed with my mum and we didn’t think it fair to invite one parent when the other couldn’t come.

In short, are we right to be a bit cross and hurt? They’re not short of money and a weekend would’ve only cost an extra £100.

OP posts:
80sMum · 20/09/2023 17:11

Life's too short. Don't let something this trivial take up your thoughts.

I mentioned my birthday because as well as picking a work day it seemed relevant. Because it feels a bit like she’s done it on purpose.

True. She may well have done it on purpose. But you don't have to care about that.

Kwasi · 20/09/2023 17:03

I was on your side, OP, until you dropped the bomb that MIL wasn’t invited to her own son’s wedding.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 20/09/2023 16:48

I get that she doesn't have to invite you. But picking your milestone birthday date knowingly for her wedding and demanding her son be there instead of celebrating with you seems rather spiteful and deliberate.

Wowzawow · 20/09/2023 16:22

It’s very clearly very shitty of her to book her wedding on your milestone birthday, not sure why anyone would disagree with that. It would be a very different story if any of the PP’s close relatives done this to them 🙄

No OP, you’re very clearly not BU for being hurt or upset by her actions.

midlifecrash · 20/09/2023 16:13

She really sounds horrible. Count it as a win that you won’t be at her wedding, don’t bother with a present, it sounds like she won’t get you anything, and just let your DH continue having as much contact with her as he feels able to. Forget her basically.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 20/09/2023 15:40

As usual, I think the issue here is really your DH. Has he clarified with his mother whether you and the kids are invited? Did he protest when she only offered him food and not you?

Lahdedahiam · 20/09/2023 15:20

Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 14:49

@Cosyblankets, the ceremony they couldn’t cope with. We did a trial run and went to see the registry office and it resulted in meltdowns. We did social stories etc but they were so young they weren’t able to engage. They didn’t understand waiting and certainly not sitting. Bearing in mind they were toddlers and also had disabilities. One threw a lot of papers off the desk. It just wasn’t manageable. The kids were and are okay with people in the house as long as they don’t have demands placed on them and are left be and not forced to engage. Like I said this was 10 odd years ago and the older ones manage a lot better now. We didn’t have the youngest who has significant challenges. The oldest are aware of the wedding and asked the date and asked if Grandma had invited them as it was a school day. We’ve very much not mentioned it to them.

How did they know if you've not discussed it with them?

StaunchMomma · 20/09/2023 15:16

I mean, you don't like her, she doesn't like you, you didn't invite her to your wedding but now you're screwing that you're not invited to hers?!

Would you even want to go?!

A wedding trumps a 'big' birthday. It's mid week, you've already said you couldn't have time off so you won't be with DH or the kids anyway.

Let your husband go, if he wants to, then celebrate your bday at the weekend.

Vallmo47 · 20/09/2023 14:58

Yes it’s very likely she deliberately planned it on your milestone birthday to ensure maximum effect OP. Celebrate your birthday a day or two early, make a big song and dance it, make sure you don’t invite her …. But do ensure she sees pics on social media thanking people for the best birthday get together ever. ;)

Or just think of doing the above, rise above entirely and accept you wouldn’t want to be at her wedding anyway!

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 14:49

@Cosyblankets, the ceremony they couldn’t cope with. We did a trial run and went to see the registry office and it resulted in meltdowns. We did social stories etc but they were so young they weren’t able to engage. They didn’t understand waiting and certainly not sitting. Bearing in mind they were toddlers and also had disabilities. One threw a lot of papers off the desk. It just wasn’t manageable. The kids were and are okay with people in the house as long as they don’t have demands placed on them and are left be and not forced to engage. Like I said this was 10 odd years ago and the older ones manage a lot better now. We didn’t have the youngest who has significant challenges. The oldest are aware of the wedding and asked the date and asked if Grandma had invited them as it was a school day. We’ve very much not mentioned it to them.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 20/09/2023 14:34

Cosyblankets · 20/09/2023 14:18

We had a celebration for everyone the next weekend. I honestly do not know what more I could do.

What did you do with the kids?

The kids joined. She answered that already.

WellPlaced · 20/09/2023 14:34

Am I correct in thinking that you’re annoyed she’s not invited you to her wedding, but she wasn’t invited to her sons?

Cosyblankets · 20/09/2023 14:33

Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 14:27

@Cosyblankets, the kids were there as we had a meal at our house.

I'm a little confused as to what they would not have coped with. Clearly not other people as they were fine with that bit. Help us to understand what the issue was

Anothagoatthis · 20/09/2023 14:33

@Auntiegaston

yeah it’s a common but unhealthy dynamic which often occurs when mothers either didn’t have a partner or they didn’t have a good one. It’s a shame but Ultimately it’s your husbands responsibility to live up to the marriage vows and put you first.

My friend had this with her ex-fiancé’s mum who had leant on her eldest son his whole life, while her late husband was off with OW. His mum, who lived abroad, disliked my friend before they even met.

Honestly? I feel you’ll never win with a MIL like that! It’s best to significantly reduce the contact instead of thinking how to respond to rude comments . Or ask your husband to stand up and address it!

DottyLottieLou · 20/09/2023 14:31

However you feel I would not give her any indication that you are anything other than delighted. If it was deliberate to hurt you that will pain her more, the fact that you couldn't care less. If it wasn't deliberate then it doesn't matter. Some people have no awareness of other people's feelings. They exist in their own little universe where everything revolves around them.

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 14:27

@Cosyblankets, the kids were there as we had a meal at our house.

OP posts:
Cosyblankets · 20/09/2023 14:18

We had a celebration for everyone the next weekend. I honestly do not know what more I could do.

What did you do with the kids?

Galatine · 20/09/2023 14:07

If I was invited to a wedding and my wife was excluded I would not be going never mind whose wedding it was.

Iwasafool · 20/09/2023 14:02

If anyone has any tips for dealing with insensitive comments and how to reply, I’m all ears. My late MIL used to refer to me as "it" and I'd just laugh at her. She did it once too often and DH exploded but I honestly think the laugh annoyed her more.

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 13:40

@Anothagoatthis, she had a very odd relationship with my DH. It felt like he was hers and she liked being the only woman in his life. I think because his dad left (he’s now died) when he was younger she’s lent on him a lot in a way you’d lean on a partner rather than child.

But yes DH seems to get forgiven a lot despite him making the choices as well.

But I’ll enjoy my birthday with my kids. And maybe get a grip on the fact that my relationship with my MIL will remain on polite terms but nothing more than that.

If anyone has any tips for dealing with insensitive comments and how to reply, I’m all ears.

OP posts:
Original poster
Auntiegaston · 20/09/2023 13:32

@Sparklecats, I agree it’s her wedding and she can do what she wants but when she has a lack of restrictions it feels very telling that she’s picked a weekday. Fair enough if she’s not bothered if DH/me/kids attend then I agree. We can’t get to the bottom really if she’d be hurt if no one bothered going. If she’s going to be okay that just DH (which I suspect is what she’d be prefer) is going. Fine. I suppose if she has no expectation of any of us attending then it makes sense she’s organised it how she has. I still think doing it on my birthday was a dig but never mind.

Your post actually struck a chord with me. Because the reality is it’s just two people getting married. And I’ve transferred a lot of my hurt that we have a poor relationship onto the wedding when it’s more about never having been made to feel part of her family and this feels like we’re not really being included. I had a really good relationship with my ex’s mum and although I’m close with my mum our circle is small. It’s more like a square really so I’m mourning that.

OP posts:
Anothagoatthis · 20/09/2023 13:29

Iwasafool · 20/09/2023 13:15

I don't understand the "reap what you sow" bit. Your husband didn't invite her to his wedding. He's still invited. Why is it your sole responsibility (and fault) that she wasn't at your wedding?

Get your husband to ask her and then see how you both feel. If you aren't invited as some sort of revenge because of your wedding then he shouldn't go either as it was also his wedding.

I was just about to say this - her own son also didn’t invite her to the wedding but she hasn’t held it against him. It seems a bit like internalised misogyny to pin the blame on her daughter in law.

And is everyone missing the fact she had a celebration the weekend after where her MIL was invited?

OP, you have a DH problem. She knew she could get away with this based on the way he is like. If he had stronger boundaries she wouldn't have pulled this stunt. Stop going along on the visits with him.

Iwasafool · 20/09/2023 13:15

Sparklecats · 20/09/2023 13:10

YABU

Whatever the reason, you didn’t invite her to your wedding or make a fuss so why should they be organising everything to accommodate you.

It’s a low key wedding with an afternoon lunch.

You wouldn’t be able to go all out to celebrate your birthday anyway on a week day. I say she has done you a favour - you have that weekend to celebrate you! Hooray!!

Don’t make a fuss, let DH go, get your fam/friends whomever makes you happy to come over when the kids get in to celebrate, have a birthday tea. And then book a special day/night or a wkend away with dh and kids or have a big party if you want on the Saturday to celebrate.

Thats what I’d do. They’re old, they want a legal commitment, it’s no big shakes.

Two people got married, the OP didn't marry herself.

Iwasafool · 20/09/2023 13:15

I don't understand the "reap what you sow" bit. Your husband didn't invite her to his wedding. He's still invited. Why is it your sole responsibility (and fault) that she wasn't at your wedding?

Get your husband to ask her and then see how you both feel. If you aren't invited as some sort of revenge because of your wedding then he shouldn't go either as it was also his wedding.

Sparklecats · 20/09/2023 13:10

YABU

Whatever the reason, you didn’t invite her to your wedding or make a fuss so why should they be organising everything to accommodate you.

It’s a low key wedding with an afternoon lunch.

You wouldn’t be able to go all out to celebrate your birthday anyway on a week day. I say she has done you a favour - you have that weekend to celebrate you! Hooray!!

Don’t make a fuss, let DH go, get your fam/friends whomever makes you happy to come over when the kids get in to celebrate, have a birthday tea. And then book a special day/night or a wkend away with dh and kids or have a big party if you want on the Saturday to celebrate.

Thats what I’d do. They’re old, they want a legal commitment, it’s no big shakes.

Swipe left for the next trending thread