Page 3 | MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

Auntiegaston · 2023-09-19T19:41:45+00:00

MIL has been with her partner for 20 years and they’ve decided to get married. She rang my DH and it turns out the date they’ve booked is my birthday (a milestone birthday) which falls on a weekday. Apparently she remembered it was my birthday and there were a few other dates but this was the cheapest. She told my DH after it was booked. She’s invited my DH (who she wants to give her away) but it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited. It’s not easy for me to get time off work as I work in a term time only role so I don’t get holiday. We also have kids with Sen and aside from my mum we wouldn’t have anyone to be there when they got home (they attend a specialist provision). MIL hasn’t asked if anyone will be home to see the kids in and the meal after is booked for lunchtime and the venue is an hour and a half away. So I assume she doesn’t want me to go. DH has a sibling but they have no children and a flexible job. MIL’s partner’s sibling we’ve never been invited to meet only has his kids every other weekend so it’s not an issue. We’ve had issues in the past as she’s been quite passive aggressive towards me (would ignore me and only talk to my DH, would offer only him food and drink when we went to see her etc). We did get married without her but we married with two friends as witnesses as the kids would’ve found even a small wedding too much so they stayed with my mum and we didn’t think it fair to invite one parent when the other couldn’t come. In short, are we right to be a bit cross and hurt? They’re not short of money and a weekend would’ve only cost an extra £100.

Original poster

Auntiegaston · 22/09/2023 09:05

I know she shouldn’t factor me in but if she wants DH there and to give her away it might’ve been worth considering factoring him in as he has a busy job and he often has to travel and some of his bigger meetings are booked well in advanced. If she doesn’t mind then no bother.

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Original poster

Auntiegaston · 22/09/2023 08:55

@Ffion21, my kids were years younger when I married. Toddlers with disabilities v teens with disabilities now looks very different. But like you say it’s MIL’s day, if she chooses to pick a day that the kids can’t come as it’s a school day then that’s up to her.

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Original poster

Auntiegaston · 22/09/2023 08:53

We were together a good few years before getting married. I suspect the poster who mentioned us not having a bond is correct but it’s like that due to her behaviour when I met my DH. It was before our wedding. I felt between a rock and a hard place when we got married to be honest. Yes my mum helped us out but equally we could’ve said to his mum about having the kids (she wouldn’t have wanted to) and then invited my mum and she’d have been hurt. Ultimately someone was going to get hurt and yes my DH could’ve pushed to have his mother there if he was that bothered.

For clarity on cost, MIL said there were a few dates to pick from but they went for the day they have as it was cheaper. These are the fees from where they’re getting married. There is no weekday difference except for Fridays and weekends. They are not short of money as they own three houses as buy to lets. So there were other dates, there’s not much difference in price. And it’s a pub meal afterwards.

Fees for 2023
Monday to Thursday - £475
Friday/Saturday - £575
Sunday/Bank Holiday - £675

She briefly mentioned the wedding and said she’d picked out her music. Nothing else was said until she left when she mentioned the date in front of the kids and one said “that’s my mum’s birthday”. Then they left.

This thread has been really helpful though. I’m not sure I’ll ever change my view on my wedding as I was doing what I thought was right at the time. I understand why MIL was hurt but my mum was also hurt she couldn’t come. But that was 10 odd years ago.

I think moving forward, I’ve come to the conclusion that as MIL doesn’t want to factor us into her plans which is absolutely her right. Moving forward I won’t be factoring her into any plans around visits or Christmas etc. I have genuinely appreciated the advice and have taken on board the comments. Regarding my birthday DH usually works from home one day a week and the day my birthday falls is on the day he WFH and we were going to take a slightly longer lunch together as we don’t get anytime together as my mum is really now too old to cope with one of children. But maybe we’ll do that the week before or the week after. DH can decide what he wants to do about his mum’s wedding.

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Ffion21 · 22/09/2023 08:50

I think you’re being a bit selfish.

its her wedding, her day, all about her. She shouldn’t need to factor other people in and organise everything to suit you. In the same way you planned your wedding to suit you and didn’t invite her.

I also don’t see the relevance of your birthday? You work during the day, so wouldn’t be taking the day off to celebrate at all as you’ve stated you’re in a term time role. If you’ve got kids at home I’m also assuming you’ve not got a big party or night out in the evening.

You didn’t invite your own kids to your own wedding. Why should she consider her wedding ok for them?

As such you’ll realistically celebrate your birthday at the weekend.

What exactly are you annoyed about? I thjnk you’re being a bit selfish and ‘me me me’. It’s one day.

The bigger issue is how she treats you generally - that you should address. If my MiL ignored me and didn’t even fake politeness and offer me a drink, I would just not go over and disengage from that relationship. Why do you even want to go to her wedding?

m00rfarm · 22/09/2023 08:34

She can change the date of the wedding as clearly no invitations have been issued yet otherwise you would have known. Your milestone birthday cannot be changed. I think she was being rude. If it is JUST a price difference, then offer to pay if you think they are struggling financially. Just say you have plans already booked for that day and she should have asked first.

cassy16 · 22/09/2023 07:59

Even if it is your birthday you’ve said you will be at work and the weddings in the middle of the day it doesn’t sound like he will be back late you don’t like each other she also didn’t go to your wedding you asked your mum to have the children for yours not her so she could of gone or you could have asked her; it sounds a bit like your being petty because you really don’t like her, that doesn’t mean her son shouldn’t looks like you’ve been given a good excuse to get out of wedding you wouldn’t want to go to anyway

Cosyblankets · 22/09/2023 07:36

Mari9999 · 21/09/2023 23:20

@Tourmalines
Maybe both the husband and the MIL understand the invitation protocol after going through the OP's wedding. The understanding would be if you didn't receive an invitation you were not invited. There is no ambiguity; the OP set the standard.

Er........ she didn't get married by herself.
He didn't invite his mother either!

Tourmalines · 22/09/2023 07:34

SaponificationQueen · 22/09/2023 07:10

What’s struck me in reading your post, it’s not just this birthday she would be ruining. Each year it’s now not only your birthday, but her anniversary. I wonder how many anniversaries she is going to try to insist your DH spend with her rather than with his wife on her birthday. This seems to me like an annual big FU to you.

Maybe none . I’ve been married many a year and I’ve never asked my son to celebrate with us . Not every one goes in for big wedding anniversary celebrations.

AliceOlive · 22/09/2023 07:17

SaponificationQueen · 22/09/2023 07:10

What’s struck me in reading your post, it’s not just this birthday she would be ruining. Each year it’s now not only your birthday, but her anniversary. I wonder how many anniversaries she is going to try to insist your DH spend with her rather than with his wife on her birthday. This seems to me like an annual big FU to you.

I didn’t think about that.

If I got the chance I’d tell her what an honor it is that she’s chosen to get married on your birthday! She’ll probably move it.

SaponificationQueen · 22/09/2023 07:10

What’s struck me in reading your post, it’s not just this birthday she would be ruining. Each year it’s now not only your birthday, but her anniversary. I wonder how many anniversaries she is going to try to insist your DH spend with her rather than with his wife on her birthday. This seems to me like an annual big FU to you.

Floralie222 · 22/09/2023 06:25

If your MIL is okay with not inviting her daughter in law from her wedding, when her son is invited, then that's quite sad but it's her choice. If you didn't have parents at your own wedding then I don't think you can complain too much or it might look a bit hypocritical.

However all of the above means it's also absolutely fine for your husband to leave the wedding after the lunch and spend the evening with you and your children on your special birthday. You'd have been at work during the day regardless. I wouldn't make too much of a fuss about it to your husband, maybe say it's a shame it couldn't have been on a weekend but can't be helped, but you'd still like to have a family birthday celebration.

Just be the bigger person and have a big birthday celebration at the weekend and invite your MIL and her husband. It'll probably be more fun than her wedding anyway.

Tourmalines · 22/09/2023 00:36

Mari9999 · 21/09/2023 23:20

@Tourmalines
Maybe both the husband and the MIL understand the invitation protocol after going through the OP's wedding. The understanding would be if you didn't receive an invitation you were not invited. There is no ambiguity; the OP set the standard.

There has to be far more to this than just a wedding invitation from many years ago though .I think these 2 woman do not like each other and have never formed a bond of any sort . Probably started from the wedding no doubt .

Mari9999 · 21/09/2023 23:20

@Tourmalines
Maybe both the husband and the MIL understand the invitation protocol after going through the OP's wedding. The understanding would be if you didn't receive an invitation you were not invited. There is no ambiguity; the OP set the standard.

Tourmalines · 21/09/2023 23:07

She obviously picked up on his body language and mood . He didn’t need to say anything , his reaction was enough. That is also passive aggressive behaviour from him .But I stlll can’t understand he didn’t ask if you were invited. Holy cow, that’s ridiculous.

Mumof2teens79 · 21/09/2023 22:51

It's your birthday....but you arecworking and can't take time off

You don't know if kids are invited....but they wouldn't cope with a wedding
You don't know if you are invited....but need to behome for the kids

You are annoyed she is having a small midweek wedding....but you only invited 2 friends??

YABU

Mari9999 · 21/09/2023 22:38

@Auntiegaston
My guess would be that she interpreted the lack of mentioning of her wedding as a lack of interest in her wedding. I think not inviting his mother to your wedding was quite punitive. Your mother did not come not because she was not invited. She chose not to come in order to assist you. His mother in turn did not come because she was not invited. You may not see the difference , but I would imagine that his mother sees the difference and still feels hurt about it.

It should be a no brainer that he walks his mother down the aisle. .With luck , this will be his mother's last wedding. You ,with luck, will have many more birthdays.

I seriously doubt that someone would be inclined to schedule something as costly as wedding solely for the purpose of upsetting you.

You may be vastly over rating her interest in annoying you. She might gain some pleasure from your annoyance, but I doubt she would schedule a significantly expensive event solely to annoy you.

Original poster

Auntiegaston · 21/09/2023 21:14

I’ve left it firmly with my husband to sort. She messaged my DH the other day saying she didn’t think he was happy about the wedding which is interesting as nothing was even said when she visited.

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Cosyblankets · 21/09/2023 21:06

Auntiegaston · 21/09/2023 19:32

@Cosyblankets, I have enough going on in my life that I’m not inclined to waste my time searching out reasons to pick at my MIL. I spent many years getting upset at being ignored, my kids being ignored and her not bothering. The wedding just threw up another slightly painful reminder that we’re not massively important to her as it would have been nice to be factored in but I’m very aware that people don’t have to consider others and that she didn’t come to our wedding. Despite all this I know she will be very hurt if my DH doesn’t go. She wants her wedding factored into my DH’s day and annual leave entitlement.

Has anyone clarified the invitation yet?

Original poster

Auntiegaston · 21/09/2023 20:55

No, no he’s doesn’t. He likes an easy life and his reasoning that as we don’t see her very much, it’s not worth arguing when it’s likely she would cry (she’s done that before)

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Lahdedahiam · 21/09/2023 19:55

Auntiegaston · 21/09/2023 19:53

I think MIL thinks I’m the one who’s dragged her son off and he has no autonomy which is hilarious. So it’s likely there’s a little bit of punishment having it on my birthday. My husband has taken one of the kids to events about half hour from where she lives but never wants to drop in 😂 I spend a lot of time with my mum without him but he’s reluctant to spend time with his. But with his mum he was always the golden child.

But he still doesn't stand up to her, does he?

Original poster

Auntiegaston · 21/09/2023 19:53

I think MIL thinks I’m the one who’s dragged her son off and he has no autonomy which is hilarious. So it’s likely there’s a little bit of punishment having it on my birthday. My husband has taken one of the kids to events about half hour from where she lives but never wants to drop in 😂 I spend a lot of time with my mum without him but he’s reluctant to spend time with his. But with his mum he was always the golden child.

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Toomuchtrouble4me · 21/09/2023 19:45

It would be war for me - get your mum to arrange a special birthday dinner for you and DH.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 21/09/2023 19:43

worriedatwork123 · 19/09/2023 21:29

i was kinda with you until you said she wasn't invited to your wedding- how hurtful, I'd be devastated

no wonder the relationship has soured

Nonsense, I also had only 2 witnesses (a friend each) at my wedding - we married in secret and told the family afterwards. I just couldn’t handle the fuss, my family is small - DH’s is Huge with both his parents having been married 3 times and lots of siblings and step siblings. Then just my mum and my brother. Just didn’t want the whole circus. My mum totally understood and we are very close as we always have been.
If Op’s mil’s issue us about the wedding she wasn’t invited to, then why doesn’t she have an issue with her son also? Op didn’t marry alone!

Original poster

Auntiegaston · 21/09/2023 19:36

We’re very grateful that she has someone else. Previously my DH has done a lot for her and frankly given how she behaves I’m quite glad. This is the woman who when she moved house the sibling that lived in the house with MIL did nothing whilst my husband at MIL’s request organised and helped the paperwork. My uncle came up and sorted her garage and my husband packed up a lot of stuff and took the day off work to move her. She had a leaving party in the house before she left and loudly told everyone no one had helped her do anything.

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Original poster

Auntiegaston · 21/09/2023 19:32

@Cosyblankets, I have enough going on in my life that I’m not inclined to waste my time searching out reasons to pick at my MIL. I spent many years getting upset at being ignored, my kids being ignored and her not bothering. The wedding just threw up another slightly painful reminder that we’re not massively important to her as it would have been nice to be factored in but I’m very aware that people don’t have to consider others and that she didn’t come to our wedding. Despite all this I know she will be very hurt if my DH doesn’t go. She wants her wedding factored into my DH’s day and annual leave entitlement.

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