MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

Let your DH deal with it entirely. Don't console him, don't minimise how you feel, don't step in and sort it for him. Leave it to him and you carry on. You can celebrate your bday at the weekend.

You say it’s not clear if you’re invited, I would therefore assume you are, who invites one half of a couple, especially so close family.

get your husband to mention that you’re getting time off work and the children are so excited to be part of the wedding

if she says only he is invited, I’m sorry I would expect my husband to say no, we’re a complete family unit it’s all or nothing 🤷🏼‍♀️

It was her sons wedding too and he’s invited

OP the reason he won't see his mum without you is because he's using you as a human shield. He knows that if he goes on his own he'll be the one to catch the flak, but if you're there it deflects on to you and he doesn't have to deal with it.

So he won't stand up for you, and he's happy to make you the sacrificial lamb. The business of the wedding has tipped you over because it's the last straw. You don't have to see her if you don't want to. Tell him you won't be going again, and whether he sees her or not is up to him. But don't let him force you into putting up with behaviour he won't put up with for himself.

Given that the OP hasnt said that she works in an educational setting, why assume she cant have lunch?

PP on this thread have posted that they/others work TTO in jobs that are not in schools. I have been able to negotiate longer lunch breaks occassionally by making up time elsewhere, so who are you to assume that she hasnt done that?

If you are able to get time off termtime for a birthday lunch, you are able to get time off to go to their wedding. So you’re being disingenuous there.

Why was it nasty to not invite MIL when the OP couldnt have her own mother there as she was looking after her kids who wouldnt have coped with a tiny wedding? The OP was thinking about other people on her wedding day, her kids and her mother. MIL thinks about that day only in terms of herself, which says everything we need to know about her. She doesnt even care about her grandchildren ffs.

Also, why do parents think that they have a right to see their children married?!

As long as my children have the wedding day they want, if they want one at all, I do not assume I have a right to be there. Would I want to be there? Yes, if I could be. But would I hold a many years long grudge if they chose to elope or have a tiny "2 witnesses" ceremony? Of course not. In fact out of all of my children, the one I can imagine getting married the most is DD1. Her partner is autistic and doesnt deal with big events well. She hates being centre of attention and both are far too sensible to spend vast amounts of money on a party, so now I think about it, I would imagine that they would have a very very small wedding and I wouldnt assume at all that I would be there.

A mother who has the wedding she knows is best for her children is a far better mother than one who spitefully leaves her childs wife and kids out of her own big day just to get one back.

This^
I would be cross too OP, not about myself but about kids. She showed zero inclination to include them in her special day. She could have done at least a bit of effort.

Wedding aside, you don’t have to visit her so don’t. If he won’t see her without you by his side he won’t see her either. But that’s his decision. And he’s partly responsible for the situation given he’s never been bothered to stick up for you.

This does feel like a "see how she likes it......" move.

Spiteful when she doesnt appreciate that your wedding was literally about signing the paperwork and not upsetting your kids.

At least your DH is now seeing her true colours.

You chose your wedding day how you wanted it and MIL has chosen hers. She wasn’t invited to your wedding why should you be invited to hers? It was really nasty not inviting her to yours tbh because your mum was looking after your children.

Op said she worked term time only role, not that she worked in a school.
I had several team members who worked term time only in the CS, and DS has TTO colleagues in his firm. Our HR had spreadsheets to calculate pay with several different permutations of hours worked.

Wedding trumps birthday in my world.

This ...schools get 30-40 mins lunch. You were not going out for lunch , you were going to be in work. You won't even notice he's gone (although you absolutely can get the time off for a mil wedding

Your friends could have babysat and both mums could have been witnesses at your wedding I don't see what effort you're going to here

Yeah this is on your DH to resolve tbh he should have done something when she fed him not you and all the other things she did no she shouldn't have been pandered too over your wedding both parents or none is fair how wouod your mom have felt? Stuck looking after the children while she gets to go to the wedding that's not fair, although I can honestly say as a mother I would be upset by not going I could have got over it if the other parents weren't invited either and I wouldn't have let it affect the relationship with my DIL

Ye my DH would be like nope. change it.
But also... given his job a major incident/need to cover would mysteriously 'appear'... hint hint.

It sounds like she’s waited for your 40th/50th to book her wedding in retribution. Nutter. Working or not, no husband of mine who wanted to stay that way would be going to a party of his mother’s to which my kids and I weren’t invited - at all, actually, but on my milestone birthday…laughable.

How were you going for lunch when you work in a school?????
No way would you have time to go to lunch!!!

It's a bitch move.
I wouldn't work at calming your husband or making him feel good about going.

I'd just tell him you're officially over her. You no longer give a shit. Don't want to see her or hear a word about any of the wedding. He can go come back and it'll be as of he went to the shops.

And don't ever put yourself in her presence again. She can piss off.

You can be cross and hurt , yes , which is what MIL would have felt about not being invited to her sons wedding regardless if yours were not invited because they were babysitting . What goes around ,comes around .

You don’t have to visit her - you have a choice.

I think you're being a bit dramatic. I'm a teacher. Time off for the wedding of a close family member will always be authorised. Your children what is uour usual arrangement for pick up ? I'm.sure your parents can handle this one

Or just don't so and your husband goes.

A weekday significant birthday is a red herring. Realistically you weren't going to do anything other than go for dinner. And you would still need childcare for that

You don't even know if you are invited or not?

You're not being U but really it's on your husband to put a stop to this.
Of course we only have your side, we don't know if she'll have a different story but if DH's parents' ignored me like that we'd have been out the door and not been back.

Again, your DH's mum cannot ensure he's 'late back' if he stands up and says 'time to go' and just leaves. Quite a few PP are making a fuss about a 'celebration' but a woman with adult children marrying her partner of 20 years isn't big celebration material IMO. Nothing's changed feelings wise. They've just signed a piece of paper. It's not like they're all gushy and starting a 'new life together'. It sounds like ones of those things that a financial planner says would be a good idea.