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Original poster

MIL, passive aggressive behaviour and her wedding

281 replies

Auntiegaston · 19/09/2023 20:41

MIL has been with her partner for 20 years and they’ve decided to get married. She rang my DH and it turns out the date they’ve booked is my birthday (a milestone birthday) which falls on a weekday. Apparently she remembered it was my birthday and there were a few other dates but this was the cheapest. She told my DH after it was booked.

She’s invited my DH (who she wants to give her away) but it’s not clear whether the kids or me are invited. It’s not easy for me to get time off work as I work in a term time only role so I don’t get holiday. We also have kids with Sen and aside from my mum we wouldn’t have anyone to be there when they got home (they attend a specialist provision). MIL hasn’t asked if anyone will be home to see the kids in and the meal after is booked for lunchtime and the venue is an hour and a half away. So I assume she doesn’t want me to go.

DH has a sibling but they have no children and a flexible job. MIL’s partner’s sibling we’ve never been invited to meet only has his kids every other weekend so it’s not an issue.

We’ve had issues in the past as she’s been quite passive aggressive towards me (would ignore me and only talk to my DH, would offer only him food and drink when we went to see her etc). We did get married without her but we married with two friends as witnesses as the kids would’ve found even a small wedding too much so they stayed with my mum and we didn’t think it fair to invite one parent when the other couldn’t come.

In short, are we right to be a bit cross and hurt? They’re not short of money and a weekend would’ve only cost an extra £100.

OP posts:
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PyongyangKipperbang · 08/04/2024 02:12

wherearemywellingtons · 07/04/2024 23:12

Having young children is also no excuse to exclude family from a wedding. That’s bizarre. I had babies at my small registry office wedding! If your mum can care for babies at home, she can do it in a registry office for 20 minutes.

I am going to write this slowly as you are clearly struggling to read and understand what the OP has said.

Her children were very young and have severe SEN to the point where they attend specialist education providers. They tried familiarising the kids with the venue, it was very very bad for all involved so they went on their own with 2 friends, did the legals, job done. No one was snubbed as no one was invited at all.

The only person the kids could be cared for by was the OPs mum, if she couldnt attend, why the hell should MIL? The OPs way was far fairer for all.

ETA. The OP has also said that due to the kids needs and issues, the only place they could be cared for was at home, so no, not in a registry office.

Enjoy the view from your place of ignorance.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/04/2024 02:08

wherearemywellingtons · 07/04/2024 23:07

You got married without her! Of COURSE she is allowed to do the same thing you did. The only unreasonable person in this situation is you as you did it first and I bet she’d not have dreamed of excluding family from the wedding if you’d not done it first?

Except her SON who was part of the decision to not invite anyone is still invited to MIL's wedding.....go on, square that without it being a deliberate snub to the OP.

wherearemywellingtons · 07/04/2024 23:12

Having young children is also no excuse to exclude family from a wedding. That’s bizarre. I had babies at my small registry office wedding! If your mum can care for babies at home, she can do it in a registry office for 20 minutes.

wherearemywellingtons · 07/04/2024 23:08

(Not saying she’s done it as revenge, but clearly you set a precedent that this was an okay and acceptable thing to do.)

wherearemywellingtons · 07/04/2024 23:07

You got married without her! Of COURSE she is allowed to do the same thing you did. The only unreasonable person in this situation is you as you did it first and I bet she’d not have dreamed of excluding family from the wedding if you’d not done it first?

AnxiousRabbit · 07/04/2024 23:03

barbieofswanlake · 19/09/2023 20:58

He'll be gone for lunch. They can do something in the evening

@Aquamarine1029 that's not really clear though is it? Meal is booked at lunchtime at a venue and hour and a half away. It's a wedding celebration, unlikely to be done and dusted in a short time! Meanwhile op has no break from the kids, on her milestone birthday!

The kids will be at school...specialist provision
Her mum may be around

I really don't get peoples obsession with your birthday being sacred.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/04/2024 22:55

AcrobaticCardigan · 07/04/2024 20:03

Sorry, but how can you expect her to invite you to her wedding, when you didn’t invite her to yours?!

Read the fucking thread!!

She is invited. And it was her DH's mother that HE didnt invite to HIS wedding. Loving the assumption that it was the OP's decision, says a lot about you....

AcrobaticCardigan · 07/04/2024 20:03

Sorry, but how can you expect her to invite you to her wedding, when you didn’t invite her to yours?!

Italianita · 14/11/2023 11:47

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Auntiegaston · 14/11/2023 08:45

Very boring update….MIL did say DH and me were both invited to the wedding. In the last day or so, she’s said would the kids want to come (they’re all in school and totally disinterested in a late invite). DH is going but likely I won’t as the meal isn’t until 1pm and the venue is an hour and a half away from where we live so we stand no chance of getting back in time for the kids and one has to have an adult home.

OP posts:
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 27/09/2023 11:22

Mari9999 · 27/09/2023 10:51

@Treesandsheepeverywhere
It is normal to feel many things. It is also normal to control our feelings. There is no need to be spouting or delivering passive aggressive messages particularly in a situation where the other parties actions simply mirrors your actions in a similar situation.

What good would come from the OP delivering that message. Is she bent on some kind of retaliatory behavior? The relationship with MIL and the OP is dysfunctional enough no additional fuel is needed.

Controlling your feelings is different to 'not feeling anything' as you said ealier.
OP is happy to let her DH deal with it, so that's sorted.

Mari9999 · 27/09/2023 10:51

@Treesandsheepeverywhere
It is normal to feel many things. It is also normal to control our feelings. There is no need to be spouting or delivering passive aggressive messages particularly in a situation where the other parties actions simply mirrors your actions in a similar situation.

What good would come from the OP delivering that message. Is she bent on some kind of retaliatory behavior? The relationship with MIL and the OP is dysfunctional enough no additional fuel is needed.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 27/09/2023 09:56

@Mari9999, it's not normal yo feel nothing, especially with the history OP has with MIL.

@Auntiegaston, good idea yo leave it with your husband.
If you don't see the other family much then it makes it easier not to go.

LittleOwl153 · 27/09/2023 09:47

As a parent of ND kids (although not as severe/dependant as yours) I get it.

I think you are doing the right thing letting DH go if he wants and not considering going yourself or taking the kids. I would also be taking massive step back from the cosit9ng her from now on - and dh can square that one.

I'd be disappointed if DH went and as such blew out your birthday... as ND parents we face so many additional challenges and birthdays and other milestones are important because they are often the ONLY time we get to have something for us in all the mayhem that is our children. I would HOPE he said to his mother sorry that's OPs birthday and we have plans already... or at the very least make the effort to be home when the kids come back from school rather than being away for your whole day. I know you get it but it's just one more chip in a relationship compromised and challenged enough isn't it... part of the reason why many partnerships with SEND/ND kids don't survive...

Tryandfindout · 27/09/2023 09:29

And going forward it will always be her anniversary not OPs birthday

Italianita · 27/09/2023 09:06

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Original poster
Auntiegaston · 27/09/2023 08:02

I’m leaving it fully in the hands of my husband. My mum thinks I should go but she’s obsessed with what people think about us. Personally I rarely see his family outside of his mother so I’m not fussed what they think of me. Husband still has no idea if it’s a small wedding and who is invited. At this point I’m assuming just he will go.

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 26/09/2023 22:32

@Treesandsheepeverywhere
It's ugly because it is meant to be passive aggressive and there is no good intentions behind the message.
A person intent on managing their life with dignity would say nothing and feel nothing. If they needed solace, the could console themselves by saying " well I didn't invite her to my wedding either. "

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 26/09/2023 22:11

Mari9999 · 25/09/2023 22:05

@Treesandsheepeverywhere
As you said there could be a number of reasons spite among them, but what benefit comes from an ugly response when you cannot say with certainty that the choice had anything to do with you? Ugly for the sake of ugly is a very bad look for a mature adult.

How is it an ugly response? It's just wishing her well and letting her know she and the kids can't make it.
It's rising above it as IF done in spite, the MIL would expect OP to sulk, cause a scene or worse.
So the best thing to do is to wish her well and let it be.

Mari9999 · 25/09/2023 22:05

@Treesandsheepeverywhere
As you said there could be a number of reasons spite among them, but what benefit comes from an ugly response when you cannot say with certainty that the choice had anything to do with you? Ugly for the sake of ugly is a very bad look for a mature adult.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 25/09/2023 13:02

OP, we got married on DBIL' birthday as it was the o my day that worked for different reasons.
I'd imagine she had to have that day for different reasons, but just to be spiteful, is now attaching it to your birthday.
I'd send her a message as dear MIL,
I feel honoured you've chosen my birthday date to be your special day too.
Unfortunately the kids and I won't be able to come.
Have a great time and hope the date is forever a special one as it has been for me.

Cactusmad · 24/09/2023 19:36

The wedding could still have been cheaper just a different week or day. Your big birthday is that one day. Also 3 hours travel time back n forth. Weird how husband has a significant role and none of his immediate family involved.

Mamasperspective · 24/09/2023 18:58

Looks like DH has a choice to make. She should have invited you as DH's partner. If she can't be gracious enough to do that then DH should go out with you as a nuclear family for your milestone birthday and she should have someone else give her away.

Ginandtonics · 24/09/2023 16:22

It's reasonable to feel a bit hurt, seems like you have been deliberately sidelined. However, you say it would be hard to get there due to work, kids etc although she could have had a family discussion about how to manage it with you and your husband before making the final decision. If she really only wants just her son there, then it's up to her and her son is the one who will have to choose whether to agree to this or not. If she didn't get to be at your wedding it's fairly understandable that she feels this is ok behaviour. A bit mean picking his birthday though. Personally, I'd just let it go and then celebrate your other halfs birthday another time.

Cactusmad · 24/09/2023 13:19

What does your husband think? These are his children, would you fall in with these plans if it was ur extended family.Your mil is toxic, any reasonable person would make plans to suit all . I get that you had a tiny wedding. That was fair as no family there. It’s not so much the birthday it’s a mother showing you she’s in charge

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