To think she's a CF?

It isn’t, at least for my kids and their friends and can’t say I’ve noticed other 12 year olds alone in this type of scenario.

OP - I know it’s not what you’ve asked, but this is quite unusual. And even if for you, it’s not, because you think the risk is low, or your child is sensible, I wouldn’t trust the other girl, based on what you’ve said, to be sensible too. I think your daughter could be exposed to some difficult situations.

What @swimminglessonadvice said.

Use the ‘watch this thread’ button.

To be fair OP you’ve come on here asking for advice, & while some posters are unnecessarily harsh and not understanding, you’re not addressing at all some valid & helpful things PP have said.

1. continue to care for this child but set FIRM BOUNDARIES as that’s what she needs.
2. Put your own DD’s needs first.
3. Tell the school about the neglect and the mother’s behaviour so they are aware. It’s a safeguarding issue and social services need to be (re) informed.

I really don’t understand posters who come on here with an AIBU & then get angry & flounce off because they don’t like what is offered. I understand where you’re coming from but I also agree with the repeated points above.

Good luck OP.

This response sums it up.

While I haven't read all the thread posts like this on any social media sites where the parent/s are neglecting their children be it not being there for them, choosing their own needs before their children's or just generally expecting Joe public to bring them up will always bring out an array of different opinions.

There may be a multitude of different reasons/excuses being trotted out, it's not the child's fault, the parent/s may not be intelligent enough to know what's what, parents may have suffered when they were younger to name a few.
There may indeed be cases it's possibly true but in SOME cases it is just CFery and some genuinely don't give a shite about their kids, but unfortunately they also know once they've managed to get others to feel sorry for them and take pity they've reeled them in and it's to late hence they've got someone else to look after their child, which in this case it does sound like it here so no matter how much you're peeved at her mother it's not going to bother her one bit.

Now there's nothing wrong if that person is genuinely struggling, it's good to be able to help and offer guidence but when kindness is mistaken for weakness and you're having the piss ripped out of you that's the time to take a step back, you're on a hiding to know where.

OP if this young girl was grateful that you're taking her under your wing she'd show you some respect, especially after you've already asked her not to use your toiletries, if you're set on helping her then do so by sitting her down and having a house rule chat don't just expect her to understand these things if she hasn't been taught them and then if she still carries on behaving in such a way it looks like you'll have to decide whether to let her continue to show you that she's not up for rules and will do as she pleases or take a stand and put an end to it.

@nopainnogain1 I understand exactly where you are coming from, and think you sound exceptionally kind. I'm sorry you have had such a hard time on here.

I had a similar upbringing and ended up in care. My good friends mum was incredibly kind to me, and only raised her voice to me once (brand new white towels, home hair dye kit... you get the picture). Her love and acceptance really made such an enormous difference to me, and continues to do so.

I would sit her down, with DD and DP, and explain that whilst she is welcome to stay here, there are rules which must be followed, such as mess on the floor and that your en suite is completely out of bounds. If she feels unable to abide by this, then the consequence is that you will have to put a stop to such freedoms during her (daytime) visits. You can all sign an agreement, and stick it inside the bathroom cupboard.

Children who come from homes such as this often need a strict framework to help them to feel secure and loved. I have no doubt that she loves you, and is pushing you to see how far she can go. Equally, by pushing back, she will learn where the limits are, but importantly ,that you can still have a positive relationship while she learns appropriate courtesy.

The CF mother sounds awful. The not knocking on the door to say hello and thank you would really annoy me. I would have low expectations for any respectful return there.

Set some boundaries with the mother and tell this girl she is not allowed in your bathroom

Gosh, that made me tear up.

You can't change the mother, but you can model more acceptable behaviour, as some of the more reasonable responses not focusing on the 'pub' incident are saying. If you don't have an issue with her being over, then you need to tell her that it's fine she comes, but she needs to stop taking things which are yours, the shampoo, and whilst helping themselves is fine, not everything needs to be eaten. Also give her the list of clothes you need back. It doesn't sound like mum will be all that receptive if you approach her directly, have you ever spoken to mum before?

Cheeky fucker parents usually breed cheeky fucker kids, which certainly seems to be the case here.

Clearly no one has modeled normal/acceptable behaviour.

So many neglected children have no idea how to wash hair. Let alone with nice shampoo. They don’t have a choice of clothes or readily available things to eat.

We have no idea what her home life is like and all I see is a little girl desperate to be loved and be like her friend. I bet your home is like Christmas compared to hers.

As teenagers we all would spend time like this at our friends houses . Sometimes we practically lived at theirs and vice versa sharing cloths and eating each other’s food it was never an issue without parents .
She is getting too comfortable at yours and no way do I agree with using your bathroom and your stuff either .
She obviously does feel like your place is home and she’s doing teenage stuff like not tidying up after herself .This is something you have to address . I don’t think the child is doing it in any malicious way though. Just talk to her about your house your rules .

Maybe the mum is out all the time and home is a shit place to be , or maybe the mum has been at home alone for weeks while her daughter hangs at your place so she decides there is no point staying home alone anymore .
I know the girls aren’t teenagers but these days they really are .

Clearly no one has modelled normal/acceptable behaviour. The girl acts out for attention, takes things that aren’t hers, it’s a cry for help.
The OP doesn’t owe the mum anything but the child is a victim in this situation.
It’s good that OP is setting boundaries but the girl will likely always push them. It’s best to speak to the school but if she can give the girl some kind of stability/safe place it might help. The girl will hopefully learn to respect OP, she doesn’t and can’t respect her own mother. It’s a horrible situation but will only be made worse by pushing the girl away.

But the daughter is exactly like her mother! Think of the shampoo incident. There is no respect there. She is very entitled. She knows what to say such as you are my second mother, but she treats her appallingly.

This is more about you isn’t it OP? You’re playing saviour, you’re projecting your childhood experience onto this child making it your own to rescue her? But your responsibility is your DD.

The thread is very detailed and could be outing for the people involved. I feel for the child but who’s to say the mother isn’t just going through a bad time and could do with some support or understanding.

Nobody knows that the girls mother doesn’t love or care for her. Discussing her on here and going to SS or school could blow up in Op face.

Who's to say she’s not just being overly judgemental, just cause she lives differently to someone else. It can’t be all that bad if she wants her daughter to be entertained by the other mother or in her home.

you need to let the friend know the ground rules for your home and while you're happy for her to come she will need to stick to them as requested or she will no longer be allowed over.

And she definitely shouldn't bee going in your room without express permission. ever.

Wait? What?!

You're attempt to turn this situation around and accuse the OP of neglect is grade a wankerism.

Bit harsh don't you think?

Oh and you don’t think it’s misogynistic to come on a forum trashing a woman / mother (stranger) on account of what another stranger tells you on the internet. Ok very logical.

sounds like she is being neglected

This is a very difficult one but one thing for sure is that mother is a CF, you are being used as an unpaid childminder and dumping ground for this poor child.
I would say no to sleepovers ( make up some reason) but she can definitely come round, for example I would drop the child home at 10pm on Friday night, that would surely mean it’s late enough that the mother had to stay in for the night and wouldn’t be bothered going out that late and dragging the child around the pubs with her at that time.
That mother needs to take responsibility for her child and understand that she can’t just dump her on you when she feels like it.

If I heard that she was dragging a child of that age around pubs late at night I would report her to SS anonymously.

Think the daughters cheeky too!

Personally I think you're neglecting your daughter by looking after someone's else's kid. Can you imagine how she feels? It's like you're making the other one a priority and she's pulling the wool over your eyes. Does ur child use your shampoo and stuff? Why hasn't she got a bank account? It's not your fault either but I'd focus on my own daughter and make sure she given importance infront of her friend. You're her mother not her friends. It's sounds like she's living in her friends shadow.