To think she's a CF?

You cannot control who your teenager daughter is friends with. If there are concerns about the friends going off the rails, far better to be involved/ supportive and influential than to have no idea what she (and your own daughter) are up to as time goes on.

Have clear boundaries from the outset: eg don't even let them think about her moving in.

‘ you could really save her’

Fgs this thread is deeply troubling.

I think you’re doing an amazing thing for a young girl who is craving a family and is sadly being neglected by her own. I agree with you, you can’t turn your back on her. You have lived experience of this - you could really save her. She just needs to be taught proper boundaries and manners.

So my DD is 9, she has a friend who every Monday tries to invite herself round to ours after school. It's never my dd asking "can xyz come over for a play?" it's always "xyz says she wants to come over"
I've said no every Monday so far since schools returned, partly due to prior plans and partly as last school year it became every Monday, we'd feed her, and have to take her back home. But when I said it was hometime, Xyz would sulk or try and hide. Offer of my dd going to her house has never happened 🙈 I don't mind once every so often but feeding another and having an extra hyper kid in the house on my one day off, every week became annoying lol

Basically I feel your pain although yours it worse, I'd just start saying no, sorry we are going out/have plans

I'm sure the girl won't even remember your kind n when in the future this girl won't be bother help your own daughter return kind . Lesson learn so I stop being kind to any 1 as I help some n in return they was like its your choice to help me no 1 force u then.

Why break up a good friendship between the girls just because the mum doesn't have any manners?

Maybe you could say you'd like mums number so you can chat about visits next time and arrange when you're going home in case you have plans etc.

As long as your DD is enjoying the friendship there is nothing to stop you continuing to be such a positive and supportive influence in this girls life.

You could set some ground rules: eg I don't let my daughter leave the bathroom in a mess like that and neither can you! Ask before you use etc.

The girls will never forget these sleepovers, such fun and conspiracy!

This girl sounds rude and ungrateful. Put a stop to this. Your kindness is being taken advantage of. Start of by not allowing her to use your bathroom and no borrowing clothes. In fact if it was me I would discourage the visits for a while.

I think u need report to social service or school that the girl keep visit u every single day as her own parents not pick her up from school. So ideal inform school that this girl often visit your house cos mother drunk n not give attention to her own daughter.

I won't allow my daughter friends over only for birthday party as I have other kids n other responsibilities so no time for other kids as I'm not baby sitter or nanny or free childcare. Ask that girl why her own family like grandparents not pick her up but freeloaders n misuse you so much .

You sound awesome. Don't stop helping the child, but yes you absolutely need to set boundaries-you might be the only adult who does this outside of school, and it is needed. Much love to you and this girl. You could really make a difference to her future xx

If anybody said that to me, even dressed up as softly softly with a fake smile and all. I’d see right through them and take great offence. So bitchy, the mother is not obliged to invite her daughters friend out for dinner.

OP is doing all this by choice and jumping to a lot of conclusions about girls home life and mother.

I almost get the feeling her daughter is an only child (could be wrong) and maybe she liked her daughter having the company of another child. Things have gone too far and now she’s resentful towards girls mother being footloose and fancy free.

I understand why you're taking this girl under your wing (apart from the posh shampoo thing - say no and hide it!).

I wouldn't make her life more difficult by needling her mum to be honest. Yep, she's a CF of the highest order and probably not very nice either, but if you've decided you're helping this kid just do it and be glad she's not your mum. It's like that fable where the person nurses a snake back to health and is surprised when it bites them. If you want to stop helping the kid as much that's fine, just draw your boundaries with her, but what's the point of drawing boundaries with the mum? You know what she's like. Don't make the kid's life more stressful by behaving as if you don't.

@nopainnogain1 you are doing the best you can with a shit situation.
My best advice is buy some ‘cheaper’ clothes this girls size to give her when she has none.
Hide your expensive products in the interim, replacing with standard stuff should stop it.
Re the CF mother, I’d try the soft-soft approach first - happy to have her, lovely child, but it’s becoming quite expensive to clothe her too, could she send her properly attired. Also I felt DD was a bit left out the other day when she heard your child going out for dinner after spending all weekend here. Bit of mutual respect?
good luck (btw it’s a pizza, and day time, they can eat where they chose, restaurant clearly permits it, some folk on here need to get a grip)

I've been in pubs full of football fans since I was 15.. I still wouldn't have been going on my own though, even if it was just in the garden.
If you think there aren't drunk people in pubs on a saturday afternoon you are mistaken.

But that wasn't the main point. Put the boundaries in place and mean them. Kids with no consistency will push boundaries because they've never had any, she needs to know where she stands.

Yes this! I also thought the comment of the girls 'turning up before dinner' odd as well. Where the hell are they all this time?

For someone who doesn't think highly of the girl's mother and the girl not being that fussed about school, OP really doesn't seem to be too bothered about her 12 year old daughter roaming about with her.

Oh OP, you're the kind of mum I was lucky to come across at my friends' houses when I was a teenager. My parents had split up, my mum moved away and I didn't see her for years and my dad was very.... hands off? I was lucky if he cooked me tea. He didn't drive so never took my anywhere etc. A bit of a basic, sad existence I'll be honest. Other people's houses were... homes rather than houses. They felt warm and friendly and they all sat down for tea together. Anyway, parents like you are invaluable. I would often do something similar - go to my friend's house and stay all weekend. Or randomly go to theirs unplanned after school and handwash my underwear etc. (Or borrow things)

The problem (as I see it) is the cheeky behaviour of the girl while she's there, assuming you're actually happy having the girl there and money (for feeding her) isn't the issue as such. You're never really going to be able to do anything about her mum - she's just a rubbish mum and old enough to know better. You need to lay down some ground rules with the daughter if you're going to let her come over - no going in other people's bedrooms, taking/using things that aren't hers, make sure she brings things back that she's borrowed etc. The only thing with the mum, in my opinion, is that she should be giving her money to do things over the weekend. You shouldn't have to be funding her daughter as well as your own.

Once again on MN I’m utterly bemused as to how people put up with this kind of shit. Just for a start I’d have told the girl in no uncertain terms that she does NOT go into my ensuite and help herself to my toiletries! My bedroom is also out of bounds to non family!

Well done op for helping this poor kid.
im sure it makes a huge difference to her and that she will never forget your kindness.

If you were to look into this child's background, you would likely find a series of friendships much like this one that happened exactly like the friendship with your daughter all of which ended when the parents grew weary of being used by the girl's mom.

I'm sorry to say that I agree with this. I had a friend much like this and, after a while, it drove me crazy. Once I pulled back (and my Mum stopped being quite so obliging), she turned on me.

How much time is this girl spending at your house? It's easy to say that you should definitely take on the role of being a second mother but, ultimately, it will be you who has another child / teenager in the house. What does she do when your daughter is doing her homework? Does she sit quietly and do her own or does she disrupt? Even if your daughter says how much she wants her friend to come over / stay the night / borrow all her stuff, there will come a time when she just needs her own space.

You may contact the safeguarding lead at the school with your concerns. They may get involved, depending on what the school population is like. I doubt social services will be terribly interested - a twelve year old who goes to school and has at least one adult who is prepared to take an interest in her well-being? They have bigger fish to fry and are not going to rescue the one adult.

You need to make direct contact with mum and explain that your concern and kindness are being taken for granted and worn away. Also you need to find out what the truth is. There will be more to this.

I haven't read the whole thread but have read op posts.
Sounds to me like you have 2 12 year old friends that have asked DD friend's Mum if friend can stay over at your house which the mum has agreed to. The DD has asked you if friend can stay over.
Friend's Mum hasn't asked you to have her daughter or to give her money or sent daughter on a clothes finding expedition. You have allowed all of this.
The mother doesn't owe you anything and doesn't owe your DD an invite to a meal out either.
If the mother is as bad as you say then she probably would be happy to leave her 12 year old home alone while she goes out.
I think that this is all coming from the girls. You aren't doing a favour for the mother.

The mother of the girl was in there drinking, no doubt she helped them order. Incredibly it was op that paid despite the other mother being present.

You really couldn’t make this up.

Op lets her 12 year old go to a pub alone; no one is coming out of this well.

Unaccompanied children can’t buy anything in pubs.

It has taken me a while to post this, but I will even if it causes offence.

Far from this girl being from a broken home and sad, I feel you are being played like a kipper mainly due to your own triggers.

This girl has figured out you and by extension your dd are easy rides, her use of your personal items to me comes across as contemptuous not desperate.

Desperate children that are genuinely in dire straits and dependent on a ‘second mother’ would be very unlikely to imperil the relationship like this, additionally brazenly walking out in your dds clothes and asking for money. It all indicates a total disrespect of you and dd.

The Mother’s Day card feels manipulative and unnecessary. It’s a sure way to keep you onside though.

Your anger at the situation with her walking out to a restaurant with her family was justified- and she did so without as much as a thank you. It doesn’t indicate a massively dysfunctional home to me, you are just being played. You knew this at the time when your real feelings arose - anger.

This girl is ensuring she is besties with yours to consolidate her place at your house indefinitely and access to all of this free stuff. This will escalate into more of the same but bigger.

You will be asked to take her on holiday, throw parties, weekend sleepovers, pay for more pub meals for sure… all through your dd but really coming from her.

When they start underage drinking and getting into trouble you may look back on this junction with regret.

Get some counselling, explore why this is such a tough triggering situation for you. Your dd is the one I feel sorry for.

I run a village pub. It’s against the law for unaccompanied children to be on the licensed premises, including beer gardens.

I actually thought it was against the law, as in actual LAW for someone as young as 12 to be on the premises without an adult and am glad someone that definitely knows has confirmed it.