To think she's a CF?

As usual, a lot of MN over-reaction. Though tbf the huffy response wasn't helpful either.

I think you have the chance to massively improve this child's outcomes in life, @nopainnogain1, by giving her some stability and letting her see how other people live. You need to give her boundaries though, the same as your own child/ren.

Ban her from your shower! She has no business being in there. I'd hide my expensive products when she's there (though you shouldn't have to) and that will remove any temptation. If she wants different products, then her mother has to provide them (betting she doesn't have these at home...!) No more lending clothes until the previous ones have been returned.

Discussion with the mum, absolutely! She needs boundaries put in place too. First and foremost, she needs to ask if it suits you to have her child over and specify for how long (not a whole weekend - no family time of your own!!) and she needs to fund her DD's activities. Next time they want to get something to eat, she has to ask her own mother not you!!

Not sure I'd be happy about 12 year olds unsupervised in a beer garden tbh though. Isn't there somewhere more child friendly they could go? Excessive alcohol has already been normalised for your DD's friend via her mother - don't think either of them need further exposure.

I also think you should be looking ahead to when boys/drink/parties become a feature. I'd be worried about the influence of the friend's background on my own child. Just be aware.

If you continue to allow this to happen it teaches your daughter to "allow behaviour" to happen. Start now and set the standard for your daughter if it means going out of your comfort zone. Be prepared for backlash (from other parent/child) but ignore that behaviour and repeat where your boundary is and continues to be. And report to school safeguarding

From a different perspective if SS are involved then they do look out for dirty clothes and hair. If she’s showering at yours then the teachers will miss this as she no longer looks neglected.

Ring school and explain the current situation, that will help her more than anything else.

Why not buy her some of her own shampoo/Soap/ etc so she has her own and a towel, so she doesn’t take yours? Or put yours up and put cheap stuff out?

If she’s there too long, tell you DD she’s welcome Friday nights only as you have other stuff on. I wouldn’t berate the mother she’s likely to turn on you and make it worse for the girl.

As for the pub lunch, would you want your DD with a drunk, neglectful parent?

If you speak to the mother calmly explain she’s welcome Fridays, and You would appreciate her not dropping her child off ad-hoc as you generally have plans.

Sorry OP but you come across to me as enjoying this slagging off the parent very much. All of this was within your control to rein in and you haven't chosen to do that. You say how sorry you are for this girl but you post some very personal things about her.

Her mother is a negligent parent, no doubt about that. What have you done about it? Why do you need and audience and confirmation of the obvious when even you're very certain that this is situation is all sort of wrong? Ugh.

If you feel like you aren’t going to get through to the girl’s mum and you feel sorry for her to the point you feel like you need to let her stay there, then you need to start setting clear boundaries about what is acceptable behaviour in your own home.

She’s taking liberties because it sounds like you’re not setting expectations for her. If she disrespects your rules then you tell her she’s got one more chance and then she has to go home. Two strikes, you carry out the threat.

Obviously she’s a CFer and so is the daughter.
However, you are really doing this for your DD - if she is happy with this arrangement I’d bite my tongue.
I would start putting some boundaries in place though (like no going in my en-suite !).

It's lovely that you care so much, but you do need to put your foot down and say no occasionally. Taking things when she's been told not to -tell her off! Ask for the clothes back or alternatively call her back to the house when she waltzes out and tell her to change into her own clothes. She is stealing. None of these things are being mean or saying she can never come over again -she just needs to do as she is told. The kids also need to ask if she can stay the whole weekend before just doing so. I don't think you are going to get anything in return from the mum so you'll have to forget that. To be honest I wouldn't want any from the sounds of it. Start saying no though. You can still care and not be a doormat.

The girl is more than old enough to know that taking ops expensive shampoo, stealing clothes and shoes and asking for money is not acceptable, but she doesn’t care.

Ops only duty is to look after her own dd and raise her with care and boundaries.

If she has concerns she can call SS.
This family are not ‘grateful’

If Social Services have been involved before, you can, through the school get the advice and make the teachers/principal aware of the situation. They may even just be waiting for some sort of notice that might be the tipping point of them reaching out again anyway.

You do need to show your daughter how not to be a doormat and the first lesson is that she isn't to loan her clothes/shoes to anyone and while you'll contact the mother with a list of the clothes/shoes that have gone out the door with this girl, your daughter is to get them from her no later than Wednesday at school.

Also, while this girl is in your house, she is to follow the rules of your house and you need to remind her. She is not to go into your room or ensuite now as you've already told her not to use your shampoo. There is shampoo in the family bathroom that she can use and that's it. Time to put your foot down on that matter.

She's not a CF, she's an alcoholic.

And your daughters friend is behaving in a way that's very recognisable amongst children of alcoholics.

That doesn't mean you can't set some boundaries with her, to be honest she would probably like that. Boundaries make us feel safe. Her life at home has been and continues to be chaotic.

Can I just say thank you. You might not feel it right now but you are probably the helping this young girl more than you know. Because of you she feels safe and sees how things should be. Give her boundaries and rules she probably isn't used to then by the sounds of it and she probably wants them. One day she will look.back and be very thankful for you.

100%. You KNOW the girl and her mum are using you and treating like dirt. Please stop. You’re teaching your daughter how to be a door mat and allow people to steal from you.

Haven't read the full thread, currently on page 2.
There was a book published in 2006 " You didn't grow in my tummy, you grew in my heart" by Kerry Swain. It details the youth of Kerry's daughter, Bo, who was influenced by a classmate who was being fostered, and Bo asked her mum if she could stay over at this friend's house. Kerry had not heard from the girl's foster parents, so she refused permission. After this, Bo made allegations at school about her life at home, hoping she would be placed in the same foster home as her friend (this didn't happen) but she was placed into temporary foster care, and a cycle of appalling behaviour ensued, and Kerry adopted Bo's twin daughters, the relationship between mother and daughter broke down.
OP, it sounds as if you are doing everything possible for this girl, and providing free childcare for the girl's mum, just hope it doesn't backfire on you.

I think OP has a saviour complex.

Of all the good advice you received, is this really what you got from this thread?

She sees you as a second mum does she? Then as her "mum" get her told. Treat her like your own by instilling manners and boundaries as you do your own children. Tell her she is NOT to go in your bathroom nor use your belongings. When she dumps the wet towel, send her to go pick it up and put it in the wash.

She obviously has shitty parents and unless you want to cut her off (which I'm guessing you don't as you're putting up with this shit) you need to sort her out if she's going to be in your home so often.

And get her mother rung! Tell her to make sure her DD brings your daughters things back and also tell her that she needs to speak to you before pissing off out and assuming you'll be childcare for a whole bloody weekend.

Why make a thread and moan if you are happy helping this girl ?

OK the pub things already been addressed....Wetherspoons may well welcome families but given their alcohol is so cheap I would imagine there's a fair few drunk people there and I wouldn't have thought it's a place for unsupervised children tbh.

This is just shocking.
A shocking example to your dd.

Get the stuff back tomorrow. Go to the house and ask the girl to fetch dds things and wait outside until she does, you badly need some boundaries this girl and her mother are taking you for fools.

Fast forward a few years/months that girl is going to be drinking alcohol , taking drugs - do you really want this for your child? Look at the trajectory. Open your eyes op. Look at the role model of the other child.

In your place I would be knocking this friendship on the head. The dinners, sleepovers stop. Dd can invite other children on rotation to be ‘inclusive’ and only continue if they reciprocate. Teach your child to expect to be treated well by her friends and not used and abused.

They head off to the garden of a local very reasonably priced chain pub for a coke and a pizza before going on to meet friends at the park.

OK I'm not a parent, and I know this is only a small piece of the problem......but 12 year olds go to a pub without an adult? Blimey.....I was going to Wimpy Bars with friends at 12!

In your shoes I'd be relieved that my 12yo didn't get a lift home with the CF Mum if she was drunk and had the sense to ask you for a lift (and you had the sense to say "No , it's 10 minutes and it's light ! )

You don’t need to turn your back on her but you do need stronger boundaries. You need to be very firm about the shampoo for a start. You can’t put in consequences as you could for your own child but you can be firm and say

”I’ve already told you about not touching my shampoo. I love having you here and you are very welcome to stay, but you do have to obey the rules. If you use my shampoo again then I’ll be really upset and you wont be allowed to come again. Dd wouldn’t be allowed to do this and you aren’t either. We’ll forget about it this time but remember what I’ve said and make sure you don’t touch that shampoo again.”

The alternative is that you continue hosting this girl but actually set firm boundaries for her; the same rules you have for your own daughter and then some! She will appreciate this and it will make her feel safe. She needs this structure and she's not getting it at home.

Not your problem.
And this girl is old enough to recognise you are doing her a solid and is taking the piss. If she was grateful ot would be another thing entirely.

The shampoo and conditioner is a very clear FUCK.YOU.

No way would I tolerate this.
She sounds like right madam and I wouldn't want this child near mine and certainly nould not be encouraging this friendship.

regarding your child's clothes I'd have turned her around and told her to go upstairs and change out of them and I'd want to see the items before she left so I knew she wasn't stealing them.

I think it’s really admirable the way you treating this girl, but be careful it’s not at the expense of your own DD!

how does she feel about her clothing being taken? I know you say they adore each other, but her lack of respect for your home is probably an indication of the way she treats your daughter.

you’d be really helping you DD ( and her friend) if you politely maintained some boundaries and demonstrated to your DD how it’s possible say no to friends without destroying the friendship.

the use of your shampoo stops- or she doesn’t come back. No more borrowing of DD’s clothes. Don’t let your DD be a doormat!