To think she's a CF?

She needs to have boundaries set. If she is to stay, it must be for a pre-agreed period of time. And no stealing things from your bathroom, or similar. And I would never give anyone else's child money to go out with, unsupervised. Nor would I allow a 12-yr-old of my own to go to a pub without an adult.

I'd also be very concerned if I had a 12-yr old exposed to the example of that mother.

i sometimes put "all the best op" but some posters said that was omg, and i needed a better reply

This girl is very lucky to have you @nopainnogain1 . I do agree with others though, you need boundaries.

"If you go in my ensuite again then you'll have to return to your home. It's not ok to take things without permission, you have permission to use DDs"

"It's ok for you to borrow DDs clothes but the next time they're not immediately returned when we next see you then you'll no longer have that option. It's ok if they need washing, but they must be immediately returned"

Etc. Plan in advance based on the scenarios you know of and follow through.

I wouldn't describe the mother as a CF. I'd describe her as an absolute disgrace of a parent. But let's remember that it takes two to make a baby. This girl has a father somewhere who also doesn't give a damn. Terribly sad for the girl. Seeing your home, seeing a normal family dynamic etc could seriously change her life for the better.

I hope it all goes well for you and your DD.

Oh - I also would be reporting this to the school by the way. Whilst it's wonderful that you feel able to help, it isn't actually your responsibility. The proper authorities should know.

I just want to post to follow this thread!

@nopainnogain1
its very kind of you for looking after the friend,

Would you say the same about them going to a Harvester? If not, why not? It's a pub chain too.

Not sure what the ridiculous "outrage " is all about. Wetherspoons at 4pm is hardly the local Red Lion at 11pm on a Friday night

Wetherspoons with the app … sitting outside.. at 4 pm in the afternoon.

Tbh, and I haven’t RTFT here, but it’s a massive safeguarding issue and I’d be contacting the school first thing tomorrow

I understand why you are annoyed that she is not returning the hospitality by not inviting your DD for dinner but to be honest if she has been drinking all weekend do you really want her driving your daughter?

I think that if your DD is genuinely good friends with this girl then you might have to accept that this is going to be one sided. I would set some boundaries with this girl though whilst she is in your home.

Yea the mun is a CF. And yes you could turn your back on the child but you’re probably making a huge difference to this child’s life, like someone did to yours.
Well done OP xx

But while she's in your house stop letting her get away with all that!

That's down to you

I would be speaking with the Designated Safeguarding Lead or Officer at the school they attend and highlight your concerns. A few things you have mentioned are red flags. The school/external services may (probably do) already have a file on this child and your information may assist further.

Easily sorted.
To my DD who was 13 at the time "Sophie can come here after you have been to hers. No "spontaneous" sleepovers. Only pre arranged by parents."

The mother is neglectful and needs reporting. Your own back story means you’ve taken on this child and actually are prepared to put up with it so why the thread?

You can’t moan about the child’s CF mother while you’re singly absolving her of all responsibility by stepping into the role. And don’t be fooled by the ‘second mother’ and Mother’s Day cards. This damaged child needs her own mother to grow up and step up.

Send her mother a bill for food, toiletries , money you put into her account etc..
I’d also speak to the school and suggest they speak with SS. Child sounds at risk of goodness knows what if her mum’s got a drink problem.

Aren't you contacting the girls mum at all when she stays over? Surely you should be having a chat with her about it and at that point you can set clear boundaries. But if you're just letting the girl stay and not saying anything then she must think you're absolutely fine about it.

You setting good boundaries op. I would say to the girl if she has clothes she needs washed to bring them over. My heart broke a bit when you described her teyong to clean cycling shorts with a wipe. You are doing a lovely thing for this teen. I'd ask the mum to transfer you spending money for her dd

Perhaps make up a box of stuff for her at your house. Couple pairs cheap PJ, some primary best leggings, top, hoodie, underwear, socks, sliders, toothbrush, shampoo and brush so she has her own bits - might stop her taking stuff if she has something that's hers at your house.

Pretty much this

Op, I think you're a really lovely person for taking this girl under your wing. And the fact she thinks to give you a Mother's Day card, shows how much you mean to her. You're very kind.
I would inform the school as they would likely have noticed this too (especially if she's not wearing clean clothes), as this could be extra evidence.
And hide your food shampoo when she comes😉

This ☝️

This.

you must stop having her around and if mum is out call SS

Op I'm going to go against a lot of posters here and say that you sound wonderfully kind and caring, and I hope that your daughters friend recognises that in you. They're at a tough age, I know I was a nightmare at that age for thinking I knew it all and was as good as being a grown up, I look back and cringe honestly. I wish I'd had someone like you around when I was your dd's age.

Sorry just reading more. At this point, I would consider that you are doing the best for both this little girl and your daughter. If home life is bad, she is definitely safer with you once a week and may take pressure off mum too. However definitely establish strong rules and boundaries. Speak to your daughter too, she will be able to communicate with her friend about what you expect.

Also consider speaking to the school regarding safeguarding. The mother is putting her social life over her child. She isn't setting her boundaries either if she feels comfortable commenting on shampoo etc.
you need to ask the girl not to use your shower or your products. Be firm if you need to be. If she goes home and complains to mum, at least that'll give you the chance to speak to her.
'I'm happy to have your daughter one night a week as they are such good friends however she must follow these rules and have spending money as I cannot afford to fund them both etc'

Your daughter won't understand that this is actually considered free childcare for her friend. She just thinks she's having a play date and will be upset with you if you ban her friend. They must get on incredibly well and you shouldn't limit this friendship because of the mother's behaviour.

At this point I'd probably limit sleepovers to one night only and always have a conversation with the mum before any play dates. Also allow one sleepover a week only. She may pick a different friend at that point.

My mum always had the rule of 'I need to speak to her mum first.' And would arrange pick-up time etc. you need to communicate with her mum.

My best friend and I used to have week-long sleepovers at my house during the summer and we also took her on holiday a lot. Her family did not have the money to do that for me in return and my mum knew it. She was one of 5 children and shared a room with her sister, so spending time at hers wasn't ideal either. However, her mum was always incredibly sweet, grateful and would ALWAYS bring homemade cakes and flowers etc as thank yous. She was an incredible cook and would sometimes bring round huge freshly made meals for us all when she stayed with us. My friend was always an angel too. It's give and take. You're giving, with nothing in return.