To think she's a CF?

I didn’t state otherwise?

You need to raise concerns with the school. Help them build the picture of the weekend for this child. It's highly likely the school are already aware of this girl but they may have very limited knowledge of weekend life for her. This girl is been neglected at home. She is known to social services, there is previous history of problematic homelife. Her home life sounds like it needs more monitoring. Her mother is leaving her for full weekends at yours if you are unavailable who does the girl go to? Are they a safe person to be left with?

What happens if the mum shacks up with some random online and moves miles away? Would the girl still be safe? Whilst you are putting a sticking plaster over the weekend care and ensuring she is clean and fed you are helping the mother neglect her child.

@stucky
The O/P first duty of care is to her daughter. This other child is not the O/P responsibility.

Really saddened by this post.

This child is experiencing a turbulant home life and has also experienced adverse childhood traumas (removal of her father, witness and possible victim of DV at home).
I can understand why she wants to be at OP’s house which is likely to be more stable and meeting her needs in a way that her own home isn’t.

You and your family, OP, could be the positive influence this girl needs. You are a protective factor in her life and she is lucky to have you and your daughter.

Labelling children ‘takers’ and ‘bad influences’ is detrimental to their development, sense of identity and self esteem. Really saddened by the lack of compassion being demonstrated by some of the responses given. This young girl is very vulnerable, is only 12 years old and is not responsible for her situation or her mothers behaviour.

I think it’s really dangerous to make aspersions based on limited information that is being given by a 12 year old. OP has limited visibility in my opinion. Not all women that have been in abusive relationships are bad parents, is a point I would like to make strongly here. Futhermore, we don’t know why the SS were involved. Although i would be very weary of allowing my child around someone that appears to drink a lot.

OP in regards to this situation I would sit down with your daughter and explain your feelings. At 12, developmentally children cannot always make the link between actions and consequences. It is our role to highlight those connections for them, for a child who may have witnessed violence within the the home there can be even more of an impact on there development in this area.

Be boundaried and firm. You can make an anonymous call to SS regarding muns behaviour. It sounds like DD’s friend lacks boundaries or has no awareness of boundaries due to her home life. I don’t think this would be done intentionally to take the P.

I would not fund meals etc for this child, and would want to talk to mum every time her daughter stays at your home. Ask your daughter if she allowed her friend to borrow these clothes and put rules in place around this. It is lovely you want to help her but it is important everyone involved is safe, happy and feel valued. Hope this resolves itself for the sake of your family and this young girl.

Yeah, got to say that AIBU is about as unsafe a place as I’ve ever found.

When I was younger, home life was tough. I was also in an independent school despite not coming from a wealthy family. Several of the my friends parents allowed me to spend time in their homes and showed me role models of parenthood and behaviour that looking back changed my life. Helped me aspire to more professionally and personally. They gave me sanctuary and I hope it has the same effect on this girl but just be careful because of the behaviour of the mother.

This is supposed to be a safe space for advice

Where did you get that from?

As soon as you write anything on the Internet it's fair game. Do the Internet safety things we teach our kids not apply to adults?!

Baffles me that an adult can think anywhere on the Internet is a "safe space" 🤣

I hate when the papers take stories from here, they could potentially be putting a persons safety at risk if the person being spoke about recognised themselves in the story.

This is supposed to be a safe space for advice.

its been in a fews days

The Daily Mail has picked up this story FYI

Sillymummy295 - gosh - you are SCARILY silly.

Emz6103
The girl sounds like a potential bad influence and you cannot afford to let that happen.

I agree with this - you need to watch out for your own daughter. You're not responsible for this other (very annoying) girl. If you have genuine reason to be concerned for her welfare, let the school know but she's not your responsibility, so you don't need to feel guilty in any way. She sounds like a CF to me!!

The lack of protection around her own dd s staggering to me.

Did you get your daughter's clothes and shoes back?

That's the very least you should be expecting from the girl and her mother.

I think I sort of agree with Lolasgame. There is a chance that the mum believes everyone is blissfully happy with how things are. She might be horrified to hear that a bunch of strangers think that the OP should adopt her daughter in all but name.

The fact you think you can just take someone else’s child on account, of the one sided biased drip feed that OP has given, tells me a lot about some of the entitled mums-net brigade.

I’d love for the other girls mum to get wind of all this talk and judgement behind her back.

I know who the real cheeky fuckers are.

In the long run, exposing your daughter to a child who has been raised in an unstable, chaotic home environment may have a negative influence on her.
Despite the friend's sweet nature, it's important to remember that she perceives the world differently compared to your daughter, who has been raised in a more sheltered environment. While the friend may attempt to adhere to your household rules, her behavior and worldview are largely shaped by her upbringing. For instance, she might take clothes, shampoo, and other items without thinking much of it. This behavior could escalate over time and potentially influence your daughter. The impact might not be apparent immediately, but it could manifest during the teenage years. By allowing this close friendship to continue under the current circumstances, you are essentially permitting your daughter to be partially influenced by her friend's mother through her friend's habits, worldview, and survival instincts. Your primary concern should be the well-being and proper upbringing of your own child. Given that your daughter spends a significant amount of time with her friend, who in turn has been heavily influenced by her own mother's chaotic lifestyle, the concern is that the lack of guidance in her friend's life could indirectly affect your daughter.

You are faced with two options: either formally take the friend and provide her with a stable upbringing, or limit the extent of her influence in your daughter's life, especially during chaotic times at her home. This could mean ending sleepovers, borrowing of clothes, and other such interactions. Set clear boundaries, such as specifying what time she should return home, and ensuring you have a conversation with her mother before taking her under your care for extended periods.

You should have a thorough understanding of the friend's home environment and meet her mother before allowing a deeper involvement in your daughter's life.

This☝️

@nopainnogain1
I've kinda been where you are op.

My son has had every school friend under the sun to our house over the years and it never seems to be reciprocated. My situation is a bit different as the friends didn't have the same homelike your daughters friend has.

You definitely need to sit the girls down and tell them what's acceptable and what isn't. Say to the friend I've already told you not to use this or that but you are still doing it. I have rules and they need to be followed and I'm afraid if you don't follow the rules you will need to go home.

Set rules for sleepovers. If she comes over on a Friday, tell her she will need to go home at 4pm on Saturday. She can't stay all weekend. Tell her she has to return your daughters clothes and she has to ask you to borrow something. Even say if she wants to leave an outfit at yours so she can change and you can wash whatever she leaves for next time.

Transferring money to the friends account, no wonder she thinks your her second mum. Open your daughter a bank account ASAP.

Be grateful your daughter isn't invited anywhere. It used to grate on me that my son got invited nowhere but I took his friends everywhere, mainly because my son is an only child.

I understand you have concerns for this girl but you need to take a step back a bit or you will always be responsible for this child.

An afternoon pizza not Serbian 😂

I also have no idea where others live to be so concerned about a Serbian pizza in a pub garden….. where we live pubs aren’t rowdy places full of drunks, they’re more like little family restaurants and I’d be happy to drop my 12 year old and a friend off to most of our locals for a portion of chips and a cola.

Wow! I think you are very kind and generous.
A few things I’ve picked up on reading all your updates:

1. open your daughter an account so any money you transfer is into her account.
2. Sit down and have a ‘family’ meeting! Tell young girl that she cannot use your things and if she requires special shampoo she brings her own from home…
3. She can borrow your daughters things while in the house but has to take off clothes before leaving, also make her a list of things that she must return to you daughter!
4. explain to her that you love having her there and she’s always welcome BUT she has to respect your property and belongings… ie not taking clothes/shoes and beauty products as you simply can’t afford to replace these…. Tell her if she’s short of clean clothes to bring some round and you’ll happily give them a wash!

I think there are a lot of people who assume that if the OP 'reports' the mum life will get better for the kid. That isn't necessarily the case at all. By all means talk to the school but don't assume that anything will happen or, frankly, that if something does happen it will improve the child's life.

Low-key and non committal support could make the world of difference for this kid and really is all you can do. Expect the friendship to change and make sure you're always on your DD's side of any dispute. I wouldn't like being called her second mum and would be v clear on the posh shampoo issue. I would also avoid explaining when I didn't want her around (eg 'time to go home now' and take her). Regular check ins with your DD about how she's feeling. Otherwise let her muck in with you with a low emotional demand from either of you.

I wouldn't waste my time telling the mum why she's out of order. You don't know the full picture - just accept there's some reason why she can't give her DD what you would.

So many heartless people who clearly born with a silver spoon in their mouths. The lack of compassion blows my mind.

What about OPs daughter? While OP is busy 'rescuing' someone else's DD, her own is stuck with a friend that is taking advantage of her generosity. And OP's DD has clearly also learned from OP to be a bit of a pushover - who is looking out for her?
I was OPs daughter. I had a 'friend' like that, who was basically living at ours and was helped a lot by our family. Yes there are several people here on this thread who describe similar situations and how eternally grateful they are - but this is not always the case, not all people can be changed by supportive environment and good examples.

I just wish someone would have considered me (and OPs daugther) and if this is indeed a good friendship that should be encouraged. That girl should not come above OPs own daughter's needs.

@Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie ♥️ this so sensible