To wonder what’s happened to my lovely daughter.

I agree about the need to insist on manners, taking shoes off and so on. I wonder if more autonomy would help? Eg if she's moaning about the wrong snacks, can you give her some cash and send her to the shop to choose and buy something she likes? Or suggest she bakes some cereal bars/ flapjack/ cake? It sounds as if you do a lot with and for her but perhaps she would benefit from taking more responsibility for herself?

I think you need to drop the expectation that she should be cuddly towards her sister and want to spend time with her. Siblings often don't get on, and too many parents place emphasis on giving their dc a sibling as they'll have a 'friend for life'. Usually not the case. She shouldn't be rude though.

I think instant consequences work better than- 'you didn't behave on Monday so you're not getting a treat on Friday'. There's not enough incentive.

Very true

Me and my sister never got along. She bullied me terribly to the point where my parents let me get a lock for my bedroom door.

I now haven’t spoken to her in 7 years. It’s been bliss

You can’t force sisters to like each other, sadly.

This doesn't sound awful at all - sounds like she needed some straight talking tbh.

I have 2 boys and experienced similar. When younger eldest loved his little bro. Then hit pre teen and couldn’t stand him. Younger also is ND and found it difficult to understand him as he got older. Lots of fighting and being mean. He’s 16 now and out the other side of it. They have a common hobby they talk about and older is helping younger find equipment for it and is actually looking forward to him being at the same school again next year.

big sigh of relief here as it was awful for years but explanations and reasoning did nothing. It was just time and maturing that solved it

Highly recommend the book ‘’Get out of my life… but first take me and Alex into town’. This is perfect pre-teen moment to read it and it’s a game changer!

I wonder if there has been a bit of an expectation there that they will be close because they are sisters. I think much is made in society of the 'sister best-friends' and often there is pressure to live up to this.

I remember feeling a bit sad when my DS was born that DD wouldn't have a sister. Then as they grew up I witnessed my friends who had multiple girls and I changed my mind 😂. Ironically my DD and DS are really close, but I wonder if I would have pushed it as much had they not been, IYSWIM.

Maybe let go of the idea that they 'should' get on because they are sisters, and focus on spending quality time with them apart. Recognise them as a complete unit on their own rather than part of a pair?

It must be really hard to accept that they are not as close as you'd like but maybe by taking the pressure off their relationship might improve?

We had a turning point... it was awful. I was awful.

Their grandad had a fall on his birthday. We were supposed to be going for a meal, and she went on and on and on about missing out on her favourite place to eat. I turned to her (she was 12) and just said "FFS today is not about you, he's hurt, come help or sit there and whine, I've had it".

She helped... with teary eyes, i felt so mean. But it was a turning point. (She did not realise to that day that I knew any swear words - which helped).

I think you need to separate some of these issues. The little sister thing, tbh you can't do much about if she doesn't want to be sisterly with her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to be cuddly with her if she doesn't want to. There should be a line in terms of being polite and not being awful to her sister but you can't force them together.

The rest of it sounds like boundary pushing, normal but a pain in the arse. I would have zero tolerance to shoes in the house and chucking rubbish on the floor. Mess like that she should clear up herself or have a consequence. I also think you should be tougher on manners. If she's just generally complaining, being a bit of an arse I would be inclined to ignore that and praise better behaviour, no matter how small.

2 things might be worth considering. Age inappropriate behaviour can be down to developmental issues such as neurodivergence. The second and this comes from a very similar experience of having two DDs as well, our eldest with ASD. DD1 really didn’t like DD2 when we brought her to a therapist relating to ASD issues the therapist put the analogy to us about DD1 losing her status as an only child as being similar to your DH arriving home with another woman he had taken as his second wife and him telling you not to be worried he would love you both equally. That hit home about some of the behaviour from DD1. They get on brilliantly now, we have really worked on it.

She's heading towards the teenage years, which are, often, a nightmare.😳

Lay down some boundaries, accept that when hormones come in through the door that brains snd good manners fly out of the window, and brace yourself...lol

It does pass though.😉

you are a great mum and you have not failed. it's just a process and probably she has entered a phase where she needs a little more discipline? I would be putting firm boundaries in place with consistent consequences.

She has a younger sister who is 7 and she is just always causing problems for her, bossing her around etc. Her younger sister will try to give her a hug and she’ll push her away. She’ll try to sit with her at dinner and she’ll complain and say she doesn’t want to. She will hug DH and I but will not show any affection or even kindness towards her little sister. DD2 feels rejected and unwanted

Story of my life.

I feel so bad for your younger daughter.

I had this my whole childhood with my big sister. She just got more cruel and sometimes evil with me.

We are in our 30's and 40s now and we haven't spoken in years.

The only thing I can say is please domt encourage your younger daughter to keep trying. Build her up to not need attention from her sister.
Also dont encourage your older child to play with her sister. Itll be constant rejection. I was forced to keep trying with my sister and it broke me.
I felt guilty every time I stopped talkin to her to protect myself.

I dont think theres anything wrong with withholding a treat because of cruel or bad behaviour.

Yep, boundaries are being pushed.

But, be careful... she will probably blame her sister forever for everything... "you love her more", "you give her more than me", "you are always on HER side".

Sounds like you are demonstrating you love her and providing her a safe haven etc. Not sure there is a lot more you can do. But would not put reward systems in place where they compare/ compete with each other... they will feel it is a comparison... "nothing for you again"... "here you go little sis"

We found with our daughters (18 months apart) that it is swings and roundabouts. Firmness is key. My dialogue was "Don't drop that, put it in the bin now please"...."why not?"..."why do you expect me to do it for you?"..."no bin, no biscuit next time" I was like a dripping tap sometimes but never an option for inaction meaning no consequence.

Little sisters are fucking irritating. She's just a pushing boundaries.

How is she at school? What are her friends like?
She’s pre-teen and she does sound envious of DD2,
how strict have you been with her? If it were me, I’d be enforcing stricter rules around her attitude and manners

She’s growing up and pushing boundaries. It’s normal,’if not frustrating.

You would have done the same as a child. It’s how they find their place in the world