Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
Nonplusultra · 08/09/2023 16:11

@BasKaro You sound like an incredibly decent, kind hearted and capable woman but reading between the lines it sounds like you have very porous boundaries.

It would be perfectly reasonable to sit her down and tell her that certain things need to change if she is to continue to stay - and lay out your terms clearly and unambiguously.

I wouldn’t throw her to the wolves either but there’s nothing unreasonable in setting a date for her to leave by, telling her to take on more hours of work, expecting her to contribute to your household (not necessarily with money but she should be jumping up to clear the table before you can even think about washing up, and playing with and minding the dc).

Redebs · 08/09/2023 16:09

In my opinion, the best help you can give would be to put her issues firmly in the hands of your local authority. Help her pack and take her and her belongings to the housing dept during office hours and have her explain to them that she is homeless.
It will be their responsibility to advise her of the options and different agencies she can contact.

She isn't going to resolve anything in your home. She's far too comfortable treating you like her unpaid staff. You've done all you can, but this isn't helping her.

Be ready for her anger and protect yourself and family from accusations or threats that might come out. I could quite imagine her making up all sorts of untruths to generate sympathy or explain why you've put her out. Your husband needs to be particularly aware that she may suddenly make up lies about him.

You are a good person gor helping her, but you need to look after yourself too. And ultimately, this isn't helping her.

Lilibert456 · 08/09/2023 16:07

Get her out. She is not your problem. Stop being a total mug and letting her wak all over you. You need to take charge and soon.

jays · 08/09/2023 16:05

Get rid now. This is reading like a psychological thriller book and it doesn’t end well for you! Seriously though, you’ve done more than enough and she sounds incredibly toxic, you need to get her out.

Therealjudgejudy · 08/09/2023 16:00

This is one of the most batshit things ive ever read on here. You are letting this woman walk all over you.

UneFoisAuChalet · 08/09/2023 16:00

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:27

Sorry, for context she is a student here , no recourse to public funds and really can't safely return to her home country, has no womens refuge options here really, his family is turning up at her families home/work back home and her husband said that he has previously kidnapped an uncle of hers (he says he has a video but unsure whether he's just scaring them). They don't come from the most law abiding country, it's a country well known for ill treatment of women.

I don’t know if someone has posted similar, but she can get a charity to support her if she’s a victim of DV.
She can claim asylum as a victim of DV if she can’t return to her home country and she will get accommodation and £45 pkw.
Her university can provide emergency accommodation.
There are many routes available to her, especially if she’s a victim of dv.
It’s all very nice to help out but it’s not working for you. She needs to go now.

Isittimeformynapyet · 08/09/2023 15:58

Nazzywish · 08/09/2023 13:56

I can guess she is from somewhere like india/ pakistan that area by sounds of and by sounds of the way your bending over backwards for her. Kick her out and send her back home. Do it soon otherwise risk your marriage and family life completely falling apart and then you've only got yourself to blame. She has family, the drama back home is not your problem,her masters not your problem because I bet even if she gets it there'll be some excuse of another why she's still dependant on you. And why would she go back home if your making life so easy for her. Your lucky your jusband is fed up and wants her gone because soon it may be that he wants her to stay " think second wife" scenario and then your in even bigger trouble. Get her out now even if everyone calls you all the names under the sun, tell her she has until x date to get out and then kick her out. Or pay for her ticket back home literally buy the ticket and do not let her back in. Your being silly and will only have yourself to blame if your family falls apart because your being weak towards her. Sorry sounds harsh I know but in this case she is NOT without other options.

Twice you say she has only herself to blame in your hypothetical scenario of her family falling apart.

Enough people have already given the same advice without being an arsehole.

Nicknamee · 08/09/2023 15:50

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:27

Sorry, for context she is a student here , no recourse to public funds and really can't safely return to her home country, has no womens refuge options here really, his family is turning up at her families home/work back home and her husband said that he has previously kidnapped an uncle of hers (he says he has a video but unsure whether he's just scaring them). They don't come from the most law abiding country, it's a country well known for ill treatment of women.

Are you from India? Because you mentioned her saying lower caste and you username is in Hindi? I am from India too.

So let her go back to India if she cannot make efforts to call women aid. India is a tough country for women but in my experience many young Indian people are very entitled expecting someone else to do work for them, cooking and cleaning done by mothers, maids well in adulthood. Then there are those Indians who are extremely kind and helpful like you and unfortunately they are taken advantage of. I had a friend who self invited herself to my place expecting me to take care of her like she is a young kid. India is a tough country for women but a young Indian woman able to move to UK, a much expensive country alone to study does not belong to that demography. It was very arrogant of her to call someone lower caste, a person is living internationally is expected to nor have such old fashioned, discriminatory views. She sounds very entitled, you cannot adopt her. You mention going somewhere with kids. Please do not let your kids get impacted by this unnecessary drama.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 08/09/2023 15:44

Do not sort this mess out for her
Let her contact the bloody Uni
You can sit with her so you know it's done and then seriously drop her to the Uni
The Uni situation sounds bizarre too
It's my understanding than students from abroad require a sponsor and I know for a fact they do not study online
My DS works at a Uni, with very high foreign intake

ChilledBeez · 08/09/2023 15:38

You should have read your comment before uploading it. Why on earth would you possibly have to ask for anyone's advice on this freeloading CF?

Iknowthis1 · 08/09/2023 15:35

I suspect that you are being told a pack of lies.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 08/09/2023 15:25

What a complicated situation which is not yours to fix
It seems that she sees you both as parental figures and you have assumed responsibility.
As she has no recourse to benefits etc
I'm not sure the council would have a duty to house her
Personally I would go with her to the CAB and also tell the council her/your current situation is untenable
It goes without saying that your DH needs to knock the bitching on the head
Good luck

MsRosley · 08/09/2023 15:23

Acheyknees · 08/09/2023 11:24

'Morning CF, we think it's time for you to move out as you're obviously not happy here, does Sunday suit?

Perfect.

MariePaperRoses · 08/09/2023 15:20

Show your husband this so that he doesn't invite strangers to live in your home again.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/mother-and-son-killed-stourbridge-west-midlands-took-homeless-man-in-tracey-peter-pirece-wilkinson-tripple-stabbing-a7661501.html

LAMPS1 · 08/09/2023 15:14

You say she has legal status as a student but doesn’t even want to be a student, has no interest in the course which has been forced upon her, can’t pay her fees, doesn’t show up at uni anyway, has been abandoned financially by her husband who beats her up and tries to strangle her and has no money anyway, having to beg for £20. She is incapable of feeding herself even when food is provided and can’t walk anywhere and you know she is highly vulnerable as no women’s charity will help her. You are hiding her from her husband as you know he will be violent towards her again. You also say that all previous attempts to house her have failed.
Its blatantly clear she has already been passed around since January and doesn’t want to be here, is still in culture shock and is the ‘possession’ of her husband who is violent towards her and desperate to find her. She is so desperate (or manipulative) now that she refuses to eat.
Instead of paying out for her any more, the kindest thing you can do for the poor girl is to buy her a cheap one-way plane ticket home asap and get her to the airport. Her future here is so bleak, she is unable to help herself and has nowhere to turn.
Do you have the means to do that OP ?

Puddycatfan · 08/09/2023 15:06

This is one of the most frustrating posts I have ever read, and I've been here quite a while!

Tell you what, let me know where you are and I will come over and tell her to fuck off seeing as you seem incapable of putting your own children before an unknown adult.

I know that sounds harsh, but bloody hell, how many more people have to tell you?

HappiDaze · 08/09/2023 14:58

You've done more than enough to help her

MNetcurtains · 08/09/2023 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HappiDaze · 08/09/2023 14:57

I would have no patience for this and would hate with a passion having this woman in my home.

I would be brutal and savage in getting her out

HappiDaze · 08/09/2023 14:56

Just change the locks and give her her belongings when she rings the bell.

Job done

Jaemoon · 08/09/2023 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It is 'just' you and it's bloody annoying.

If you can't contemplate anything beyond your own mundane existence then that's not OP's fault.

I really hate these troll hunting by stealth posts. If you don't believe it, report it.

Araminta34 · 08/09/2023 14:53

There's being kind, and then there's letting people walk all over you.
She's ungrateful, she's rude and she's sponging off you.
You have given her your time, your money, your advice and your practical help and she has massively taken advantage of you.
She has to go. She's not your child, she's a grown woman who is capable of sorting her own life out.
Give her a week, get the door locks changed and send her on her way.

Pista41 · 08/09/2023 14:52

I think the start of her new term is a good point to talk seriously to the uni about her going there - it's 4 /5 hours away but they had said she has to study online due to the risk as hed been calling her classmates for her timetable as he plans to find her there.

How is it not a risk to you and your family then, especially as he actually knows where she is/you are?

You’ve done everything you can OP, she’s refusing to help herself (probably partly because she knows you’ll step in). Tell her she needs to leave and sort her situation out, or (if you can afford it) you’ll buy her a ticket home if she’d prefer that. Then you’re not just kicking her out if you feel better about that.

You’ve clearly got a lot to deal with yourself, you need to focus on that.

Pinkdelight3 · 08/09/2023 14:50

Don't bother phoning her dad to confirm they'll have her back. That's not on you and what if he says no? Everyone else has said no because she's not their problem - and she is a problem, as you've discovered. You've given her loads of help for 3months, practical, emotional, financial, and that's too much already. Pack her things and tell her to go then stop engaging with her issues. They're not yours to solve. Get her gone then you can focus on your own issues with DH. Perhaps this has all been a displacement activity - literally another person in the way so you don't have to deal with your own problems. But that's got to stop now.

graceinspace999 · 08/09/2023 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.