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Original poster

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
Yalta · 08/09/2023 18:21

One sure fire way to get rid of her one way or another is to tell her to be gone before you go away. If she is still there then you will call her husband and tell him exactly where she is.

Harsh but atm she hasn’t got any reason to leave and if your dh doesn’t like it then then he can help her pack

Yalta · 08/09/2023 18:10

She needs to be gone before you go away.

I would not tell dh but I would get some cctv cameras up in the house that you can view remotely in case she comes back in and calling the police to say someone was in your house.

Personally I would be telling dh that if he is so concerned about her and thinks you are so nasty he might as well pack his bags as well and leave with her. I certainly wouldn’t be going anywhere if she is still around.

frustratednomad · 08/09/2023 18:03

Please don't tell me you are leaving her in your house while you're away

KatiefromHull · 08/09/2023 18:03

100% 🤣 if I was here on the first days no.1 he'd have not set one foot in the house, he'd have been plopped off at the police station. And I am unsure about her but I presume the police would have sorted something? I have no idea what he was thinking , it's I guess not seen as terrible as we see it (he's from the same country as them and did balk when I went ahead and called the police immediately when I found out).

You are talking shit. You would have done it all so different and been so assertive, yet here you are with her upsetting your daily life and can’t even ask her to move out. Grow a backbone

Riverlee · 08/09/2023 17:58

Why is your dh supporting her instead of listening to you?

I hope this doesn’t ruin your weekend away.

On Monday, action needs to be taken.

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 17:47

That went down like a lead balloon. I didn't want to do anything today because we are going away for 2 nights in the morning, but I said to H I can't cope anymore mostly with the entitlement/doesn't seem to want help . I said she needs an exit plan, not US to make it but pointed out more her lack of her own. I said also there is alot of things she needs to do and didn't and I don't want to chase her for them (like log the bail breaches) and he said call her down, make a list. I said I've done lists and leave it for today as I don't want any argument between us two before we go away (first time in 5 years ). Anyway he called her down and she did exactly as I predicted, sulked that we were giving her things to do (it was more like making sure she had the numbers ) and then she backtracked on the bail breach and H turned on me. I said not my case but the police DID say to log it infront of me and if she told something wrong to the police it needed correcting. Anyway now apparently I hate her, im nasty, im all sorts of things because I'm qt the end of my tether. He's on one hand pointing fingers at nasty me and also asked her if she has somewhere to go and shes apparently said she's gonna go to India. I'm not there now and told my H "good".... oh again how nasty i am..... I'm out, he's angry, she's a poor victim but at least the band aid has been ripped off, albeit not exactly in the way I thought but more from my Hs own knee jerk "you haaaate her, you want her out, ill send her out" thing. Ill update when she goes, im not home for a while, I don't want to be dragged into their drama at the moment.

OP posts:
MariePaperRoses · 08/09/2023 17:38

historyrepeatz · 08/09/2023 17:08

@MariePaperRoses the abuse is the one thing op is sure about as she's witnessed the injuries, broken nose, black eyes, strangulation bruising etc. unfortunately being a genuine victim doesn't mean she isn't capable of abusing others.

I still wouldn't be so sure.

BlueBlubbaWhale · 08/09/2023 17:36

User

BlueBlubbaWhale · 08/09/2023 17:36

I'd just leave and leave the dh and used to it!

ClawedButler · 08/09/2023 17:34

To drag the arse out of the buffalo-in-your-house analogy...

It doesn't matter if the buffalo has matted hair. It doesn't belong in your house.
It doesn't matter if the buffalo doesn't mean to trample things. It doesn't belong in your house.

It doesn't matter if X legislation or Y circumstances apply to this GROWN WOMAN. She doesn't belong in your house.
It doesn't matter what she's done in the past or what she plans to do in future. She doesn't belong in your house.

Batalax · 08/09/2023 17:30

Why, just why?
she’d be told straight up to shape up or ship out! No way woukd I put up with that.

azlazee1 · 08/09/2023 17:08

After reading everything you have done for this woman, it's time to just say no. I would tell her I was done doing the work she should be doing with uni and everything else. She is an adult and unless she starts behaving like one, she will have to live with the consequences. Enough.

historyrepeatz · 08/09/2023 17:08

@MariePaperRoses the abuse is the one thing op is sure about as she's witnessed the injuries, broken nose, black eyes, strangulation bruising etc. unfortunately being a genuine victim doesn't mean she isn't capable of abusing others.

Tabitha1960 · 08/09/2023 16:58

This may be the cheekiest fucker ever to appear on MN.

Henlodger instead of cocklodger.

A cuckoo, for sure!

Tabitha1960 · 08/09/2023 16:57

SpamFrittersYouSay · 08/09/2023 12:05

You're being used and emotionally abused.

You need to end this set up now.

I'm not convinced you've been told the whole truth either.

THIS ^.

Your good, kind heart and compassionate nature have been exploited and abused and trampled over.

Time to stop!

Riverlee · 08/09/2023 16:55

She’s not your responsibility. Contact the university - they should have student welfare. She sounds ungrateful and a bit of a cf.

Cosycardigans · 08/09/2023 16:48

@BasKaro hi OP, I don't know if this has been suggested on here. But if she was brought here by him and forced to do the course she didn't want to do, in order for him to settle here, there's a chance she may be able to settle here under a human trafficking visa. I'm not a lawyer or immigration professional, but I had been in a similar situation in a different country, got stuck there and was told by an immigration lawyer of that country it was classed as human trafficking.

I would definitely encourage her to go to the police over the DV and seek legal advice about her situation at being coerced into studying here for his benefit.

Please no one give me stick for this, it's literally a suggestion in a very sensitive situation.

zingally · 08/09/2023 16:47

Why was your DH the one called when the "friend of a friend" was kicked out of their accommodation? And why was the answer "move in with us" ever even suggested?

I'm thinking of my own "friends of friends" that I "vaguely know", and can honestly say with 100% certainty that ZERO of them would call me looking for accommodation. Even in the tightest of pinches.

And the bitchy email between your DH and her...? Girl, she tryna move in on your patch. Tell her she needs to be gone within the week, "here's the address of a women's refuge, see ya."

I get that you've tried to be kind to a woman in the same situation you were once in, but this random woman is exactly zero percent of your business. I'm sure there were plenty of people higher up her social pecking order than an opposite sex "friend of friend."

MariePaperRoses · 08/09/2023 16:33

Do not give her advance warning that she has to leave.

She then has time to do anything in your home or to you.

You and your husband tell her NOW she packs in front of you and you escort her out and take her wherever you are dropping her.

You tell her if she returns you will call the police.

I suspect there is a lot you don't know and there is a sinister tale behind it.

You don't know that the domestic violence actually happened or not.

This woman could be saying anything in order to have been accepted into your home.

Hence her lack of respect and gratitude.

I think your husband knows more than he is letting on.

sweetgingercat · 08/09/2023 16:24

Emz6103 · 08/09/2023 16:14

That was rude of you!! The comment wasn't addressed to you but you butted in insulted the person for having a different viewpoint! It's commenters like you that really get on my nerves, so you have such a "mundane life" that you have to police all the comments and report all the ones you don't like?

Emz6103 I didn’t like your comments either. When you wrote about having to pay taxes for migrants like the Daily Mail, I thought you were unsupportive and unlikeable. I didn’t bother to report you but I’m glad someone else did.

Isittimeformynapyet · 08/09/2023 16:23

Isittimeformynapyet · 08/09/2023 16:21

Who are you talking to?

Clicking the 3 vertical dots at the top right of a post will reveal the "quote' option. Use that so your response isn't a complete waste of time.

Show quote history

*Horizontal dots

peachypudding · 08/09/2023 16:21

I know this sounds harsh OP, but you have brought this almost entirely on yourself. You've enabled her. I know you've done it initially out of a desire to be kind but it's backfired and now you're like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Don't let it continue a minute longer.

Isittimeformynapyet · 08/09/2023 16:21

Emz6103 · 08/09/2023 16:14

That was rude of you!! The comment wasn't addressed to you but you butted in insulted the person for having a different viewpoint! It's commenters like you that really get on my nerves, so you have such a "mundane life" that you have to police all the comments and report all the ones you don't like?

Who are you talking to?

Clicking the 3 vertical dots at the top right of a post will reveal the "quote' option. Use that so your response isn't a complete waste of time.

Emz6103 · 08/09/2023 16:14

That was rude of you!! The comment wasn't addressed to you but you butted in insulted the person for having a different viewpoint! It's commenters like you that really get on my nerves, so you have such a "mundane life" that you have to police all the comments and report all the ones you don't like?

momonpurpose · 08/09/2023 16:14

Iknowthis1 · 08/09/2023 15:35

I suspect that you are being told a pack of lies.

I'm getting the exact same feeling. Maybe she's more then a friends friend...