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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:

INeedAnotherName · 08/09/2023 22:38

I've read all of OPs posts and my goodness i wasn't expecting the last updates. I'm so sorry it's escalated in this way.

Uni had some emergency accommodation but thats short term and I presume not free.
Not your problem if it's short term or not free, however it is available and she needs to be in it. End of conversation.

I am surprised that Refuge didn't take her in, unless she told them she was fine living with you. I "know" of someone who brought a Tunisian woman over to become his wife and well...the police were involved due to assault and she went into a Refuge. No job, no college, no money, unable to return home, just promises of a relationship/marriage. I think yours is fobbing off all help so she can stay with the golden geese (you) who will fall for her manipulations. She's laughing at you.

stayingright · 08/09/2023 22:24

Agh " above"!!!

stayingright · 08/09/2023 22:24

Sorry can't work out how to edit on my phone but the about meant to read "funding" this, not "finding"

stayingright · 08/09/2023 22:22

This has escalated. Hope everyone involved is safe and well.

There's a few holes in the story, and the updates are making it hard to follow. But the foreign student living 4 hours from her university and working online only? I can't see that being allowed. She might as well be doing the course from her own country.

I can't see why her "husband" is still in the UK?

I can't understand how she is finding things like her mobile/concerts etc.

I can't really fathom your OH's role in all this, especially his vested interest in her, unless they are closer than they appear outwardly.

I can't understand how this individual would happily take money, food, board and support from virtual strangers and not have an ounce of common decency to realise this is not normal.

But most of all, I can't understand why you would not only put up with this, but also enable it.

And yer Husband's an arse

Flipbopboop · 08/09/2023 22:04

I'm confused as to why the husband is still in the country. If she is the lead sponsor and the relationship has broken down, he would be requited to leave.
OP, I hope you get this resolved but be wary of what she might try next. She may even claim to be pregnant. Look after yourself and your children.

MariePaperRoses · 08/09/2023 21:21

What an utterly bizarre way to live your life and for children to be involved is absolutely appalling.

What are they seeing? A strange woman suddenly start living with them. Mum and dad at odds.

Their minds are being wrecked by all this.

Original poster

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 21:15

He would say carry on and apply. This hasn't escalated as such between us, we already had beyond repair issues. I was only ever really working away at getting stable and enough income to get out. This certainly is enough to mean there is no going back on that. Half the issues with her (his pity/nasty email) are because of how he is and why I wanted to leave anyway. He did have some remorse when I saw the email, more remorse than I had ever seen in him because usually he doesn't care at all but that soon wore off. I am not dealing with it anymore. He can be as sorry as he likes. But I do need to remember my own bigger picture and pick my battles (after shes gone ) because his emails etc aren't relevant to me now, im already done with him. I don't need an explanation/justification because there is absolutely nothing that can justify sending that, even if they somehow proved no affair. But certainly i don't want her in the place where.my kids and I are.

OP posts:

MariePaperRoses · 08/09/2023 21:08

I'm confused about how this has escalated.

Your husband has taken the woman's side and thrown you out or you have walked out?

Your kids are inside the house with them?

If you gave your husband an ultimatum and said if you don't throw her out tonight forever and let me back in, I will be seeking a divorce and custody of the children, what would he say?

Original poster

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 21:07

He won't take the kids because I pay all the childcare. I'll see about going back, he's moved himself in to the kids room about a week after I came back 3m ago so I do have my own room. I drove past and his light is on. If I don't fall asleep ill just go back in, keep my mouth shut and bide my time like before. I really there was a faster solution for me. I hope she's still going, at least I won't have to pretend after today. I honestly think she'll go back home on reflection because she can't look after herself at all and only her parents can really give her this level of whatever she needs. Anyway she has loads of info on where to get help, I really hope she gets gone and at least let me live in somewhat peace until I can get out too

OP posts:

MoreThanAMumma · 08/09/2023 20:59

Reading your updates has me so worried for you!
On one hand I am glad for you it’s out in the open and I do hope she packs up and leaves tonight!
But then you’ve let us know there have been so many issues with your husband. He sounds awful and I really do hope you get the support you need to get out of that home with your DC.

If this were me, I would go home and attempt to sleep in my child’s bedroom with them. Not saying you should do this, but could that be a safe option for you?
You can’t stay in your car all night and by leaving the kids in the home, he could try to claim that you have abandoned them.

Maybe contact the Refuge helpline to see if they can give any advice on what you can do tonight

Kaz40s · 08/09/2023 20:50

What?? What has she got to do with you & why on gods green earth is she living in your house with your family rent free, eating your food & getting looked after like one of your children?? Catch yourself on, its one thing having sympathy for someone in diffs but this is absolutely ridiculous! You don't even know the woman, she's taking complete advantage. Move her out pronto!

Original poster

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 20:45

Karma nirvana couldn't help as it wasn't honour based. SBS I didn't get hold of and then I gave her the number and know she hasn't bothered. I know they are better placed to help. I won't be spending more time on options for her now, 1000% not after tonight. Looking through the messages I can see, she had no incentive or reason to call any of these people. Why would she, she had a golden goose.

OP posts:

Original poster

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 20:42

I've been dealing with WA, we have a plan for me. I am fighting every instinct in my body not to grab the kids and run but the reality is I don't have an option right now but to keep chipping away. If I am.not stable when I leave he will succeed in a custody case. I am so nearly there for me, when we married he wanted me to a housewife but I realised quite soon that he isn't the person that I can leave myself so vulnerable for. I've got my degree against his wishes, by some good luck I found the best job for me that had both a career path and is flexible, I now have a company car so he can't control that but I just am not financially ready, even if I have universal credit because I've been planning it all, to leave and be self sufficient right now, I wouldn't even scrape by. I am very nearly there.

OP posts:

Nazzywish · 08/09/2023 20:38

And where are you OP could one of the refuges geared towards ethnic minorities help more? Southall Black sisters , karma nirvana type thing?

Nazzywish · 08/09/2023 20:36

OP could you afford the mortgage on your flat at all? Is it just in your name?

You need out and he's def sleeping with her and she is seeing him as an easy way out if problems and using him, he provides the money and family set up she's going to need now that her own marriage is in tatters. Think smartly now. Set a time limit for yourself and start preparing an out. You can't stay in this situation it's too messed up for ur kids

ellie09 · 08/09/2023 20:35

I think you understand the situation is wrong but what I don't think you see is just how urgent this really is.

Your H sounds like a proper abusive a**hole if he isn't allowing you or your children to feel comfortable or secure in your own home.

I had a similar situation where I escaped DV. Ex started an incident at around 9pm on a Thursday night. He punched me across the nose. DS at the time witnessed this. I had absolutely no hesitation in packing my bags along with my DS and drove off to the nearest Premier Inn and spent the last of my wages on 2x nights while I tried to work out a long term plan! I even had to borrow £30 from family to help feed DS and I went very hungry for those few days before I was paid again!

The point is, we would never allow our children to be exposed to a potentially dangerous situation. You know NOTHING about this woman - she could have a criminal history in another country, previous arrest etc and she's now in your home, probably angry with the latest situation. I certainly wouldn't be allowing my children to sleep or live in that house.

I do feel for you but where is the motherly instinct to protect? You've done more to protect a 26 year old woman you barely know than properly safeguarding your own flesh and blood.

Original poster

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 20:23

I did go to local council, he kicked me out 4m ago and we were out for a while in a hostel but I was trapped as I couldn't be housed nor would a refuge accept me due to my job. But if I quit my job I'd not get universal credit anyway, but mostly then I'd be trapped not being able to work and move out from the refuge. In reality the way out is to carry on with my career and get myself out in a solid way. I am getting there . Because I didn't (couldn't) accept the refuge they discharged their duty.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/09/2023 20:19

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 20:12

@Unexpectedlysinglemum
I can't at the moment. I have a flat thats let so am not homeless. I work so I can't go to refuge. But I don't earn enough to pay privately. I am working hard to either go up one grade at work or until my tenants lease is up, but then its a totally different area so would have to move schools and an then at the mercy of a custody case. I'm trying to work towards finding a place around here. For now I'm abit stuck.

I really feel for you good luck op!! (I'm assuming moving in with family isn't an option?)

Original poster

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 20:19

DC are at home being put to bed. I'm not dragging them out at night.

OP posts:

BasicPumpkinSpice · 08/09/2023 20:19

You should talk to a local housing association. They may be able to help you.

frustratednomad · 08/09/2023 20:17

Have you got your dc with you? I'm very worried about you all

Original poster

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 20:12

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/09/2023 20:08

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 19:48

The house is rented .

Could you move out and run away from both of them?
Honestly op I'd be so tempted to do this. Take your kids he will have to pay you child support it should help you rent somewhere else. Leave them both to it

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/09/2023 20:03

'Uni has some emergency accom but it's short term and not free'

There we go - she can go there. They won't be allowed to make her homeless very easily.

Also there are options if she has no recourse some charities can fund accom eg here southallblacksisters.org.uk/sbs-no-recourse-to-public-funds/#:~:text=Even%20if%20you%20have%20no,recourse%20to%20public%20funds'%20rule.&text=Call%20the%20police.

She should be speaking to the housing officer at the students union.

ellie09 · 08/09/2023 19:53

No offense to the SS in your area, but if this wasn't an anonymous board and I knew who you were, I would be reporting for the safety of your kids.

That's how serious I feel this situation is.

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