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Original poster

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
Batalax · 09/09/2023 10:53

Ooh hadn’t refreshed and seen Ellie has just said the same.

Batalax · 09/09/2023 10:52

I was going to say contact your LL. They aren’t going to be happy for another person to move in long term, but fortunately that isn’t a problem now.

ellie09 · 09/09/2023 10:46

A thought just crossed my mind - did your landlord know about this additional person in your home?

I know that some would like to know.

Id also be making H aware that it could breach of contract, pulling stunts like this and he is putting his family's home at risk.

ellie09 · 09/09/2023 09:57

Well done on getting rid of one half of the problem.

Id be now settling my home life back in for my children and working out a long term plan to leave the household with my children. Do you have your own family who you can confide in and who can help you?

Go to WA, CAB, the local council. Let them know your situation. You'll probably need some savings as well.

Also take this as a good life lesson that any housing in the future, especially if you have kids, should be in a joint name.

Best of luck!

INeedAnotherName · 09/09/2023 09:44

Congratulations on getting rid of one problem. Make sure she doesn't come back when the other person realises what a problem she is. You already know your husband is a yes man so be ready.

Now it's time to really find out where you are financially, what housing you can afford etc. If you can afford to stay where you are by yourself and prefer to stay there, then approach your landlord. They might be able to take him off the contract.

Pinkdelight3 · 09/09/2023 09:28

now I don't give a hoot. She's gone. Literally not my problem anymore .

Well done. This is good - you were pushed too far and your boundaries kicked in finally, that's huge progress. Your DH sounds like he can't be thought of as the bad guy, same as when men cheat and project blame onto their spouse. That's who he is and he's predictably shit but on the bright side, she's gone. And you're coming out of it stronger. Hang onto that and keep progressing.

Original poster
BasKaro · 09/09/2023 09:21

The girl came in with tea. I've tipped it down the sink. You know that scene in The Crown when Diana hugs the Queen and says "mama"? It was like that. I mean she didn't hug me because I ignored her but she was speaking in that same kind of baby voice saying "didi (sister)... can you give me one last hug...?"
I have massively massively dodged a bullet here. Thank god my H got angry and got her out, whatever his aim is of it. He's obviously twisted up the story to make it like I've kicked a poor victim out in her time of need but now I don't give a hoot. She's gone. Literally not my problem anymore .

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2023 09:17

Cross post. Thank goodness for that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2023 09:17

I’m sorry you’ve just signed a 12 month contract. I think you’d have to offer a big incentive - eg to pay some of their on costs, give them the month for free and allow them to just move out without the massive cleaning job etc. I am a landlord and it would be whatever it is to get the place back. The rental market is really tough atm.

Original poster
BasKaro · 09/09/2023 09:16

Shes gone. Never again.

OP posts:
TooOldForASugarDaddy · 09/09/2023 09:16

BasKaro · 09/09/2023 09:02

Holy moses, she just came in and gave me tea, said she's going and asked for "one last hug". We've never hugged ! Omg literally counting the seconds

I wouldn’t be drinking that tea if I were you.

He never makes you tea and he wants a “last” hug, after all that drama? Why “last”? What is he doing next? How is he trying to trick you? What is his plan? Is he expecting you to lower your defences before he does something more nasty in his usual style?

Grrrpredictivetex · 09/09/2023 09:11

Wow can't believe what I've just read here.

Emz6103 · 09/09/2023 09:02

Really? Because I've just moved into a block of six new flats, council has bought two blocks of six so twelve flats in total.....all brand new and I'm the only English person here the rest are from east Europe! None of us read the daily mail. One thing I will tell you is actually I'd much rather live amongst these people is, for one they're happy, they don't argue, they don't drink to excess and they keep themselves to themselves. They're not stressed like English people they don't seem to have the same worries, meaning they're not tainted by the whole American celeb-music industry -sport idol worship and seem to enjoy being with their family on weekends. This latest batch of hot weather sees them all out in the town in the evening enjoying each others company from small child to grown up, yes they're drinking but not like English people. Brits are struggling LF they are taken advantage of by local and national government via taxation. They drink to excess they cannot afford to pay the massive rents nor buy a house. I have nothing against my neighbours but twelve brand new flats and only one for an English person IS the reality and yes it seems like you've got more chance of being helped via council if your foreign. To quote the daily mail and eye roll is why were in this mess....too busy fighting each other!

Original poster
BasKaro · 09/09/2023 09:02

Holy moses, she just came in and gave me tea, said she's going and asked for "one last hug". We've never hugged ! Omg literally counting the seconds

OP posts:
MariePaperRoses · 09/09/2023 08:47

Great news if she has gone and hopefully not just temporarily.

Also, I imagine your husband will be out a lot now as he will be visiting her, so that will give you some more peace at home.

Original poster
BasKaro · 09/09/2023 08:26

Update: hes taking her to the friends today. Had the worst night "sleep" of my.life but at least one stress should be going

OP posts:
LadybirdStone · 09/09/2023 00:24

Sorry it’s come to this, but I’m glad MN has shown you how utterly wrong this situation is that you accepted and helped you plan your exit a bit quicker. At least he has people he knows telling him it’s wrong.

sweetgingercat · 09/09/2023 00:22

Dear OP, I hope you are okay, and that things calm down enough to avoid you having to leave before you are financially ready to. I feel so sad for you that your husband has humiliated you for such a pointless person, and that is something he has form for. You are obviously far too smart and independent for him and he has to console himself by appearing important and 'rescuing' vulnerable women who are clearly pulling the wool over his eyes. You and your DC have no place in this pathetic scenario and if you can all get out in one piece without unnecessary emotional battering, so much the better.

Original poster
BasKaro · 09/09/2023 00:22

uncomfortablydumb53
Literally just started 12m a few weeks ago. I'm just gonna ask if they will consider it. Fingers crossed.

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 09/09/2023 00:15

How much longer before your tenants contract ends?
Your DC shouldn't be living in the middle of this!
Forget this woman, and get you and DC out of there
You've done more than enough for everyone. Concentrate on your DD's future now

Dontstoptherain · 09/09/2023 00:03

Wow, this escalated quickly! What a pair of oxygen thieves they are. I hope you get out OP.

MariePaperRoses · 08/09/2023 23:29

Seems like a scenario for a murder but I'm pretty sure your husband and her will not be the victim.

There must be something going on between them and I would be very careful that they are not plotting your downfall to get you out of the way.

I don't think I've ever read about such a bizarre and completely avoidable living scenario as this odd arrangement.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 08/09/2023 23:11

I really hope you can find a way out and that you are your children get to have a safe, secure and settled life that you deserve.
Please take care of yourself.

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 22:57

H is a narc. He tends to somehow find these vulnerable women ( i was one !) When we split for 18m 5 years ago he had given one woman money and she never repaid him, was taking another shopping and to the police to report her ex and he hardly knew them. He then had messages to another girl whod just split with her partner , nothing dirty but still abit creepy and letchy. And to top it all off he was offering the girl for her kid to come and ride MY pony (which he hates and keeps telling me to get rid of). Mostly they are either from his volleyball or in the last i think like mates of his mates girlfriends. He has a hero complex but then really quickly drops people. That's why I doubt the affair, but he is at the very least wanting to be the big man. He thrives on her family telling him how much he had done for her daughter etc even though its all bloody me. The utter shamelessness of them really is beyond me now.

OP posts:
Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 22:50

Well I am back in. I'd been actually locked out which stupidly surprised me. A mutual friend read him the riot act about putting this woman before me and he unlocked the door. I heard him on the phone with the guy from outside (he's very loud) and then he went to her room to tell her something. I don't speak the language very well but it was that I was coming back then the speaking was quieter. I just had a bath, came out and she was coming upstairs and I said she was shamless and to expect no more help from me. She'll go and cry to him now but whatever . I think this has really shown me I probably can't keep biding my time in this house, I have doubts she will go because she is now the victim of me in Hs eyes. I don't want my kids around it so might just try and get back to my flat ASAP and hope this, and him allowing a violent stranger in to the home with the kids here is enough to stop him getting custody (along with all the other stuff he does ). I just worry if he gets the custody thus type of thing will go on without me being here to protect them. He'd have any waif or stray in because he likes the praise (he's a true narc) and them have them beholded to him and have a free maid or childcare etc. He made his choice of her over family . Totally exhausted but far too stressed to sleep

OP posts: