Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 08/09/2023 12:11

@BasKaro how does she pay for her phone, who's funding the festival?

Iammetoday · 08/09/2023 12:11

This sounds ridiculous! You have a random woman in your house that you provide for who can't/won't work or support herself. She has family and she's at uni so has other options. She need to leave your house go yo uni and see the option or go home if she can't support herself. Why on earth is she living for free in your house? She needs to grow a back bone and take responsibility 26!

historyrepeatz · 08/09/2023 12:11

Can her family not send her any money to help her with fees and accommodation even if it is borrowed? Even though she is a victim of her husband she sounds like she brings a lot of drama and like a pp said is very immature and entitled. She is an adult, if she makes bad choices that's not on you. As pp's have said universities will have come across this before. Also my in-laws have no recourse to public funds yet they have social services involvement. As she's being looked after by you she's not going to be seen as vulnerable as she would be without you.

Icycloud · 08/09/2023 12:11

So there’s conditions to your love

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 12:10

@Jaemoon 4 years??? Omg. See im not from the same country/culture as her, her husband and mine.
I was feeling so bad for feeling irritated now I feel like a mug. She has some semi distant family here but they cut all contact now I maybe see why ? It's the whining and the screeching and the crocodile tears... now the "loud" not eating.

As for uni, they know the situation (because I very quickly set her up with all of that , finding out her tutor (she didn't know) and getting permissions for info sharing and all sorts)... anyway... the fees are on hold at the moment, there is some international support fund but she never applied and we have to wait for it to reopen now. Problem is she's restricted on working hours too during term time so she'll really be paying this off until the end of the course at her allowed maximum hours. Uni had some emergency accommodation but thats short term and I presume not free.

OP posts:
MabelMaybe · 08/09/2023 12:10

Tell her to contact her university; they will have support available to students who are facing domestic violence and difficulties with accommodation.

F1ymetothetoon · 08/09/2023 12:09

Oh and if this "girl" is 26 she ain't a girl she's a woman.

gamerchick · 08/09/2023 12:09

Wtf have I just read? Hmm I wouldn't have thought anyone is this much of a mug in all my years

F1ymetothetoon · 08/09/2023 12:07

I really don't get any of this batshit 🤔

HaddawayAndShite · 08/09/2023 12:07

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:27

Sorry, for context she is a student here , no recourse to public funds and really can't safely return to her home country, has no womens refuge options here really, his family is turning up at her families home/work back home and her husband said that he has previously kidnapped an uncle of hers (he says he has a video but unsure whether he's just scaring them). They don't come from the most law abiding country, it's a country well known for ill treatment of women.

If she is a student there will be a welfare team at her place of study. She needs to speak to them, she isn’t your problem to fix. She sounds like an ungrateful prick tbh.

SpamFrittersYouSay · 08/09/2023 12:05

You're being used and emotionally abused.

You need to end this set up now.

I'm not convinced you've been told the whole truth either.

CapEBarra · 08/09/2023 12:03

University support services. Pack up her stuff and drop her off there.

5678letsgo · 08/09/2023 12:03

Surely the university can support her through all this if she is a student. I'd tell her to go to the university pastoral care with the information and the fact she doesn't have anywhere to live and no money as husband stole it.

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 12:02

@ManateeFair
He doesn't like her but he certainly wanted a pity party or an ego stroke at my expense.
I do have plans longer term for getting out of this whole shit show, yes he started the mess bringing this into the home, he didn't even "help" as this chap could have been arrested 3 months ago if my husband wanted to actually help. And I probably seem abit blasé about the email because that's just typical of him and doesn't change how I feel particularly because I have checked out anyway, it just reinforced he can't behave within normal boundaries and respect his wife or marriage. But at the moment I am here and shes the present issue. I guess thats why I want to help because I know what its like to be trapped because of the lack of help.

OP posts:
Epidote · 08/09/2023 11:59

You have done the first aid, well done for the help. Now she needs to move out a quick. She is taking the piss regardless of the other situations.

CosyNightsOnTheSofa · 08/09/2023 11:59

Who even is this woman 🤣

"A girl we don't know has ended up at our house."

Why did you invite someone you don't know to live in your house 😆. The rest is just incomprehensible. Ask her to leave, you don't know her.

LifeIsShambolic · 08/09/2023 11:55

Oh and at 26 she is a fully grown ass woman. It may help if you stop thinking of her as a girl!

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:54

@MNetcurtains 100% 🤣 if I was here on the first days no.1 he'd have not set one foot in the house, he'd have been plopped off at the police station. And I am unsure about her but I presume the police would have sorted something? I have no idea what he was thinking , it's I guess not seen as terrible as we see it (he's from the same country as them and did balk when I went ahead and called the police immediately when I found out).

OP posts:
LifeIsShambolic · 08/09/2023 11:54

How is any of this even remotely your problem?

SausageAndEggSandwich · 08/09/2023 11:53

She needs to go.

I'd give her until next Friday as services will close over the weekend - she can get her family to pay for a plane ticket, or throw herself on the mercy of the university. But no more. She's a total piss taker.

Jaemoon · 08/09/2023 11:53

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:50

@Jaemoon 🤣🤣🤣 that actually made me lol

I don't want praise from her, my husband just took umbridge with the fact she was praising me.

Reading this all has really taken a weight off me. I felt so guilty for feeling fed up, not necessarily with the help but the immaturity and entitlement. I am seriously going to start making steps to see if there is something like Southall black sisters who can take over.

Shes 26. She has the mind of a teenager though. But that also means she will easily fall into a bad situation. Like I've been telling her, and the police told her to report his aunt calling her on 101 as it can be a breach of his bail if he asked her to make the call, but she keeps showing me outfits for some upcoming festival instead. And also the bedsheet doesn't match all the new bedding and curtain set I got her. I seem to be spending my working hours with her phone pressed up to my face showing me various tik toks. Omg.

Glad I made you lol! And also glad you feel validated and are finding your anger.

I'm Asian, we have had to be very firm with family members asking to stay for a couple of weeks and then thinking they can stay for ever.

A relative once stayed at my parents for 4 years! Don't let this be you, OP.

Trust me, drop the rope and make the break. I guarantee she will land on her feet.

Text her now!

MNetcurtains · 08/09/2023 11:53

baloosbaloos · 08/09/2023 11:51

The more you say about your husband, the more I wonder whether YOU should be the one getting out.

Imo, there are massive cultural issues at play here.

ManateeFair · 08/09/2023 11:53

my husbands bonkers/narc. , put him to one side for the mo

I don't think you can just 'put him to one side' when he got you into this situation in the first place. He is as much part of the problem as the woman who is staying in your house.

My guess is that your husband, who has been emailing her to slag you off, was either hoping to sleep with her and was rebuffed, or has actually slept with her and now she's refusing to let it happen again.

baloosbaloos · 08/09/2023 11:51

The more you say about your husband, the more I wonder whether YOU should be the one getting out.

sodthesodoff · 08/09/2023 11:50

Why are you ignoring everyone?

This is not your problem. You have kids to look after. Your husband has crossed a line. She is an absolute dick

Yes she may be a victim. But she's also been rude and massively inappropriate.

You don't owe her anything.

If she had been kind I might have thought differently. But she's made her bed here.

Tell her to leave this weekend. Get your husband to fucking grow up