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Original poster

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
housethatbuiltme · 08/09/2023 12:31

You don't even know this woman... she was the girlfriend of a guy your DH barely knew.

Why the fuck is she in your house... with your kids?

She clearly has family of her own because you reached out to them and you referred her to a women's shelter (which won't do anything if she isn't homeless) and she has a job to support herself... just kick her out.

travelogue · 08/09/2023 12:31

Just stop treating her like she is your actual child! No cooking, cleaning, lifts, days out, handouts. She's on to a good thing with you isn't she - absolutely no motivation to leave whilst you are behaving like this. In fact it's all so mad I can't quite believe this is true.

Can she claim asylum or something if her life is in danger if she leaves the country? Can she speak to the uni and go p/t whilst increasing her working hours to pay for a room in a shared house? Uni emergency fund? There has to be another way around this. You've got to tell her it's over!!

MrsSlocombesCat · 08/09/2023 12:30

She’s an interloper. Living in the house of strangers and mooching off you. I can’t for the life of me fathom why you didn’t throw her out as soon as you got back. Your husband is attracted to her whether anything has happened between them or not. You need to tell him to get rid of her and if he won’t kick the pair of them out. This isn’t your situation to resolve, it’s his.

Thebigblueballoon · 08/09/2023 12:29

What the hell is this?!
She’s treating you like her slave and chauffeur, and viewing you with utter distain. I’d have gone mental by now if my selfless hospitality was received like that.
You’ve given her a considerable amount of help and it’s time she gtfo your house.

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 12:28

@NotNewButNameChanged2023

Not related or even friends. My husband didn't think it through, but in terms of her I don't really see in a way what else could have been done. Even WA were like " thanks for looking after her because there is nowhere else she can go". I guess because 1)I've been through DV and know how isolating and horrific it can be , especially when you lack support. And 2) it's becoming more.common in our community the fate of students who come here and fall between the gaps, there was a suicide just about 2 m ago really close. But it's really gone out of control now I can see. Without constant "mothering" she won't finish her course, she won't sort out the fees etc. She has some gold she was talking about selling which would pay a chunk of it, plus she does have a working family back home and some work here. But she doesn't try or think of a plan, I think she thinks someone is going to come and hand it all to her on a plate. I got her a great job interview for the same work she did back home and that would have certainly led to her longer term settlement and she didn't bother to revise for the maths/English test. They gave her another chance and an online log in to practice and retake and she never bothered. She's been in UK since Jan and only now has a job because I got my husband to literally take her to every local business with a CV I made. Her husband never had a job at all and his parents send money. I guess after 3m her plan isn't my problem. She had a clear route out, free food and accommodation, even was going to get her driving and she just doesn't bother. There is no magic want for her, I think inevitably her student visa will get cancelled whether due to lack of fees or the fact she doesn't do the work and is failing.

Really needed to hear all this

OP posts:
fearfuloffluff · 08/09/2023 12:27

Your husband took her in. He should be the one sorting this mess out.

I'd give her a frank talking to explaining what you've said here, that your patience and goodwill is wearing thin, that her options don't look good without your support so she'd better change her ways right away because you're a hair's breadth from kicking her out.

Then do kick her out if she keeps up like this. It's sad if that leads to a harder life for her but it will be her own doing.

MariePaperRoses · 08/09/2023 12:26

Make sure you change your locks after she has left and get a camera such as a ring doorbell in case she tries to come back.

Personally if you know she has no money, I would drive her and a bag of her belongings as far away as you can afford. Dump her and drive away so there is no or little chance of her coming back.

TrainedByCats · 08/09/2023 12:26

You sound lovely but it sounds like the more you do for her the less she does for herself so you’re not actually helping her anymore. And none of this is your problem. If you want to help women in this sort of situation volunteer or donate to a charity.

Tell her she is leaving next Monday and follow through. Change the lock if she has a key.

I’d suggest putting her in a pre-paid taxi to the university with her bags Monday morning. She won’t be the first overseas student in a similar situation they have dealt with and they have the resources to help.

ZadocPDederick · 08/09/2023 12:25

seem to be spending my working hours with her phone pressed up to my face showing me various tik toks

Push the phone away, tell her you couldn't be less interested and you are supposed to be working, and she needs to leave you alone.

In the longer term, next time she asks for a lift, take her to the police station, tell her she cannot come back to your house and drop her there. Change the locks and text her with details of where and when she can collect her belongings. Then block her.

Ozziedream · 08/09/2023 12:23

I got confused because an adult (aged 26) was being called a girl and then it kind of went downhill from there.

women’s refuge should accept her and the university should be able to help. Not. Your. Problem.

jlpth · 08/09/2023 12:22

It’s outrageous that you’re spending money on her that could be going on your children. Try to think of it that way. You have to get rid of her.

MariePaperRoses · 08/09/2023 12:22

Why on earth would you do that?

Any of that?

Pack her things and tell her to clear off as she doesn't appreciate any help given and you've had enough of her rudeness.

It's not your problem where she goes.

Truemilk · 08/09/2023 12:21

Why don't you gift her a plane ticket to her home country as you remove her from your house. Soften the blow

jlpth · 08/09/2023 12:20

Crazy situation. Chuck her out. None of this is your responsibility. You’ve given her a gigantic amount of help, she’s whining about it. Whatever happens to her isn’t your responsibility.

TripleDaisySummer · 08/09/2023 12:19

University support services
This - and get her out your house.

If what you've written here is true OP I think you have serious boundary and people pleasing issues - you've gone above and beyond what any normal person would do or accept back as normal behavior.

This woman's problems are not yours to solve - I really don't get your DH behavior here at all either.

user14699084656 · 08/09/2023 12:18

You have young children. Your priority must be them, it can’t be nice for them living around all this drama.
Although its very kind of you to help someone in immediate crisis, that has passed and she needs to move on!

sweetgingercat · 08/09/2023 12:18

You sound really nice and supportive, but the whole situation is incomprehensible. I keep thinking of young Wendi Deng who ended up staying with a nice middle-aged American family when she came over from China to study and then she ran off with the husband (before she left him and netted Rupert Murdoch).

There is something really weird going on between your husband and this girl, either he wants to sleep with her and she doesn't, or they slept together and he regrets it, but that email from him to her doesn't make any sense in any other context. I would be SUPER suspicious. How can your husband who you have children with, be disloyal about you to a young girl you are helping who he barely knows? I would be thinking very hard about what this email means...

All three of you seem to have problems with boundaries and this is making the situation, which should be easy to solve, emotional and confusing.

Also she seems to be treating you like a doormat and you are letting her because you feel guilty, confused and responsible. Yet there are red flags everywhere which suggests this is not the story you think it is, her cancer saga, the strange sheet on her bed, her contact with her husband's aunt, her not being interested to help the police find her husband and get her money back, her attitude (laughing on the phone when you are not there and then sniffing and being miserable when you are). The nicest thing you could do for yourself, and her, is buy her a ticket to her family, drive her to the airport, make sure she gets on that plane and block her on all social media. Then start focusing on why your husband is behaving the way he is.

Blueeyedmale · 08/09/2023 12:17

Your husband took in a woman both of you hardly knew in a vunerable situation I get the feeling he didn't want to be a saviour and do this out the goodness of his heart

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 12:17

@Alwaysdecorating Now I realise they called my husband because they've been everywhere else. They got kicked out of his aunts house, kicked out of another of his relatives, few more places in between.... I found it very bizarre as they had met once a month before but my husband is very much "any problem give me a call" to every tom, dick and Harry.

Now I am sitting here thinking of the damn audacity of it all. Like I felt really wtf when she started sulking because no one picked her up and she had a 6pm walk 15 mins max up the road but then I started to feel sorry for her again.

OP posts:
deveronvalley · 08/09/2023 12:15

Well her study trip and marriage clearly haven't worked out - it's time for her to go home.

cocksstrideintheevening · 08/09/2023 12:15

This is all utterly bizarre.

Erdinger · 08/09/2023 12:14

You have been very kind to this virtual stranger in your home . It’s time for her to organise an exit plan for her to leave your home . Maybe even move back to her home country. I’m sure her parents don’t expect unlimited charity from strangers . Time for them to pay for a ticket for their daughter to move back home . From what you say she’s not eligible for public funds.

NotNewButNameChanged2023 · 08/09/2023 12:14

ClawedButler · 08/09/2023 11:21

What?

I must have missed the bit where this is your mess to sort out.

I’m glad it’s not just me.

I am completely baffled as to why this is your problem?

Is she related to you or something? Or your husband?

Miyagi99 · 08/09/2023 12:13

Most students work to pay for their accommodation anyway so she’ll just have to get an evening job with more hours, she needs to be in university accommodation, just take her to the university with her stuff and let her sort it out from there.

Iammetoday · 08/09/2023 12:13

MichelleScarn · 08/09/2023 12:11

@BasKaro how does she pay for her phone, who's funding the festival?

Very good point!