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Original poster

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 08/09/2023 12:49

OP, you need help every bit as much as this lady, if not more.

You appear to have a very dysfunctional and disrespectful husband and all sorts of boundaries are being breached.

Can you start to focus on you, your mental wealth, wellbeing and safety instead? It doesn't sound like you have much of that. Instead of talking to women's aid about her, can you talk to them about helping you.

Jaemoon · 08/09/2023 12:48

I think really it is best she goes home to her parents, if uni flops.

She just needs to go! If you tell her she needs to go, you might actually be helping her as it will encourage her to take her life into her own hands. As you say, she has been mollycoddled by her parents and now you have done the same.

She has no desire to get on her feet and I worry now reading the thread that they all think they've really landed on their feet with us and are here for the long haul.

I guarantee you 100% that she will stay with you for years if you continue sleepwalking into this arrangement.

Britneyfan · 08/09/2023 12:48

It looks like she might be able to apply for an exception to the no recourse to public funds thing for domestic abuse, so that she could access a refuge. But she’d have to call them to find out and sounds like she isn’t very interested in finding an alternative solution to her problems than living with you indefinitely… It also sounds like she might be able to access money from her family to pay for accommodation etc anyway? Definitely I agree she needs encouragement to find another solution that isn’t living with you! I think you have to make it clear that she can’t stay here forever and give her a deadline to find an alternative.

https://idas.org.uk/what-we-do/domestic-abuse-support/victims-with-no-recourse-to-public-funds/

Victims with no recourse to public funds - IDAS

Back to Domestic Abuse Services Sometimes abusers use a person’s immigration status to try and control them. Regardless of your immigration status, if you are subject to domestic abuse, you have the right to protection by the Police and courts from you...

https://idas.org.uk/what-we-do/domestic-abuse-support/victims-with-no-recourse-to-public-funds/

Itick8outof10boxes · 08/09/2023 12:47

She and her shit left yesterday, dh to closely follow if he kicked off aboutt it being unfair not to give her warning.
Not your problem, I wouldn't do anymore for her, you've been far to nice and it's bitten you on the arse. Tbh, I wouldn't have had randoms in my home to start with.

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 12:46

@Ylvamoon

Yep. Now I think that her degree maybe isn't really genuine. She's been massively mollycoddled - even her job back.home is next door to the dad in a very similar line of work. She was never taught to cook etc. She literally punched her fist down on the sofa when her mum didn't pander to something she was saying. I think the situation is going to implode in not a good way if something doesn't change.

I did think a little if I was given this support I'd be literally doing whatever I could in leui of payment, like housework etc. Then I thought maybe thats exploitation... I never have asked her to do anything but I did think wow... she just doesn't bother. I can't force her to get on her feet, I've given her every thing as best I can and she's tuned out. I think really it is best she goes home to her parents, if uni flops. She has no desire to get on her feet and I worry now reading the thread that they all think they've really landed on their feet with us and are here for the long haul.

OP posts:
Jaemoon · 08/09/2023 12:45

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 08/09/2023 12:44

Is she being set up as your DH second wife?

Hmm
LadybirdStone · 08/09/2023 12:44

Oh and 100% on Monday when it’s leaving day she’ll get cancer again, or throw herself down the stairs or there will be another family drama. But she leaves. Protect your own children.

Illbebythesea · 08/09/2023 12:44

Jesus OP. This is bonkers. I’m not saying this to sound horrible but why do you care so much? Yes it’s very sad, lots of situations are sad in life but we can’t save everyone! Especially when she’s being rude and spoilt (the audacity?!) whatever happens to her is not your problem - get her out! & your husband!

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 08/09/2023 12:44

Is she being set up as your DH second wife?

LadybirdStone · 08/09/2023 12:43

Fuck me @BasKaro of course she’s not going to change when you are spoon feeding her. Sir her down tonight and tell her she is an adult, she is sorting everything out herself and you have given her all the options and she is leaving on Monday. You’re buying her new bedding?
Contact student services and tell them she is homeless as of Monday.
Are you in the U.K.?
Spend the weekend writing everything down for her, the contact numbers for police, woman’s aid, her tutor, university accommodation everything. So you feel you’ve done enough and then kick her out. It’s lovely yoi want to help someone, but some people won’t help themselves.
But long term you need to leave your DH. No one throws their partner under the bus to get their ego stroked, and he’s left this mess to you.

Jaemoon · 08/09/2023 12:43

Blough · 08/09/2023 11:42

Wtf
Can you make any of this make sense?

Given most people prefectly understand the OP, the issue is your comprehension.

Poppyblush · 08/09/2023 12:43

Kick her out. This is so unfair on your kids to be living in this environment. Why the hell are you paying for all this and putting up with all this????

cloudydays2 · 08/09/2023 12:43

Pack her stuff up and get her out, she is taking the piss out of you and your home ! You've been generous enough, she isn't your problem.

Shayisgreat · 08/09/2023 12:43

As she has nrpf, Hestia/women's aid/ any idva should be able to support her to apply for the dv concession which would allow her to be accommodated in a refuge. People with nrpf who are victims of dv can apply for this concession and it may grant them recourse.

You should signpost her to the services and also call adults social care who may be able to help.

This isn't your responsibility and you have already done too much for a very ungrateful person!

Olika · 08/09/2023 12:42

This is absolutely ridiculous. I am so sorry for you having to go through all this drama that your husband brought in your home.

SpamFrittersYouSay · 08/09/2023 12:41

She will be limited in the number of hours that she can work. Think it's 20 and that's both paid or unpaid.
It may be her intention to not continue with her studies but only she will know that.

I'd not be assisting her. Let the uni deal with it.
I suspect she'll rail against being taken to the uni to confront her situation. She's moved around a fair bit in such a short term already.

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 12:38

@MichelleScarn

Her husband had 2 contracts so he was, but hers has been stopped due to non payment. My husband got her a sim then cancelled it as he felt it was abit much, especially as she is working part time now.

I think the start of her new term is a good point to talk seriously to the uni about her going there - it's 4 /5 hours away but they had said she has to study online due to the risk as hed been calling her classmates for her timetable as he plans to find her there.

Honestly don't think there is any affair, by that's really by the by as emailing someone somewhat randomly a big sob story about how great he is and how I am terrible is more than I accept. Because yes, now I see I am sorting out his mess and at best he is backstabbing the person who is actually putting in the effort and leg work sorting this situation out because he's but hurt i got some praise rather than him, and at worst... well...

OP posts:
Smellslikesummer · 08/09/2023 12:37

Wtf
At the very very least she should be earning her bed/food by taking on household chores: cleaning/cooking/gardening for ex. This might help her realize that she is not an invited houseguest.
Stop driving her around also.

TheMerryWidow1 · 08/09/2023 12:37

you have her for life Op, she won't go anywhere or do anything for herself unless you cut the ties and the help you are giving her. She knows you are a kind person and she is using that to her advantage.

topnoddy · 08/09/2023 12:35

Blough · 08/09/2023 11:42

Wtf
Can you make any of this make sense?

Lost me after the first paragraph !

sweetgingercat · 08/09/2023 12:34

Although I'd prefer to have my husband go through the pita of moving her on, if it was me I wouldn't trust him to do it without there being some emotional consequences, more emails, pleading and inappropriateness on either side.

I'd send her on as nicely as possible without telling either him or her in advance.

Ylvamoon · 08/09/2023 12:33

So let me recap: a 26 year old woman is living in your home.

Pretending to be an immature teenager- although my teens are smarter!!

She has no funds to support herself, refused (?) to fill out forms to acess funds & help.

She's doing a MASTERS in an forging country and has no basic life skills?

Miyagi99 · 08/09/2023 12:32

She’s a grown woman, she’s been through a horrible time which you have kindly help her escape from, she needs to sort herself out now. The uni will have come across this before and know the best way to handle it. It’s not your responsibility.

diditbark · 08/09/2023 12:32

Wtf am I reading? Your DH let a stranger move into your house, she's rude to you, and contributes nothing?

Give her 2 weeks notice.

TripleDaisySummer · 08/09/2023 12:31

It’s outrageous that you’re spending money on her that could be going on your children

Time emotional energy, mental bandwidth and money.

Op you are essentially mothering a 26 year old woman - an unrelated and prior to this unknown to you woman.