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Original poster

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 08/09/2023 13:38

She's an adult stranger.

Can you put me up for a few weeks and sort my life out for me? I won't pay anything, and I don't know you, and you'd think I'd be perfectly capable, but I'm a lazy selfish arse and you look like the perfect mug to take on my problems because I can't be bothered to deal with them.

Sound fair? Reasonable?

Because if it doesn't, why on God's green earth are you doing it for this woman??

Chippy4me · 08/09/2023 13:33

Stop being such a pushover OP!
She is treating you like absolute shit!

So what if she’s been in an abusive relationship, you’ve said you’ve been in one too and you don’t act like she acts.

I understand wanting to help her but you are helping her and she needs to appreciate it.

Your DH was right when he was blunt with her when he was at the park.

I would be absolutely fuming if someone was living in my own home and refusing to speak to me.

You need to be very blunt with her.
Tell her she is an adult living in your house for free and you will not have her being disrespectful.

If she sniffs at you ask her what her problem is and if she doesn’t like it she can rent somewhere else and pay her own bills.

It sounds harsh but her treatment of you had been awful and this will only get worse.

Pinkdelight3 · 08/09/2023 13:33

I guess going forward I need to contact her uni directly to discuss options for her return there, and put some sort of end date on this for her

No you do not. Why the hell would you need to contact her uni? All you need to do is to tell her to leave. SHE can contact her uni to discuss HER options. Even if she was your teenage child, you would not need to be dealing directly with her uni, so the fact that she is an unrelated adult means you absolutely do not need to be involved. Tell her to go. That's the only end date you need to fix this.

Although your repeated refusal to take this simple thing on board, plus the story about the DH being at the house but 'not knowing the address' (wtf?? was he taken there and back with a bag over his head?? he doesn't need to know the address to find the place where he has actually physically been!) makes me think this must be BS.

Supercat100 · 08/09/2023 13:33

You've been incredibly kind but also a doormat. Give her one week notice, pack her bags and drive her to the council offices or uni if need be. Her university welfare team should be helping her. She and her husband need to return to India, separately of course.

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 13:30

God I love mumsnet, wish i posted ages ago

OP posts:
Yalta · 08/09/2023 13:29

I think you both need to sit her down and tell her to grow the f**k up

She needs to start realising that she is in a mess of her own making and she needs to start sorting it out by filling in forms and taking help where it is offered and reducing her expectations on what she can expect in life. Higher caste or not isn’t going to help her if she is in a foreign country and refuses to fill out any forms or do anything to help herself

She is not a child she is a jobless and homeless woman who has burnt her bridges with others who could have helped her. If the university have emergency accommodation then she needs to ask for it and start sorting her own stuff out as you are not putting up with her ungrateful and quite frankly appalling behaviour

You are not her parents, you are not her servants and this is not her home
You were trying to help her but if she obviously thinks she is better than you both and she isn’t happy about her treatment then it is time she moved on. She has 48 hours to sort the emergency uni accommodation out or any accommodation out as you are done. You don’t care if she gets her act together or not as she isn’t your responsibility

I would point out that if she stays in the uk then at her age she is an adult and not a child and she needs to put aside what she thinks she deserves and start being realistic in what her budget and passport status will allow.

She sort of reminded me of someone I worked with many years ago who had come to the uk when she married. Talking to her when she first started working was like talking to a spoilt 9year old rather than a woman in her mid 20s

newnamethanks · 08/09/2023 13:28

Pack whatever she's brought with her and put it out on the street with her following. She's a leech, she'll soon find another host. You're not responsible for her and are allowing her to blackmail you into believing you are. Out.

LadyKenya · 08/09/2023 13:28

This all sounds so unbelievable. Yeah, that!

Handlecarefully · 08/09/2023 13:27

You've got to stop spending all this money and time on her for a start. Then give her a list of useful organisations to contact and give her a week's notice.

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 13:27

It was a student support women who said about the classes, I didn't know about the stipulations on attendance so maybe (hopefully) the online classes won't be OKed by whoever OKs that stuff.
I am grateful for the feedback, I needed to hear some harsh truths, I couldn't see at all how "un natural" this level of help is.
The husband was here one night but doesn't know the address. I did bring this up with the police but they regard this address as being safe as he came here one time and never knew the actual address if he knew it he would have been here ages ago.
Trust me, however bonkers it all is it is completely real. I don't know really what to make of the doubts except I guess it shows me how I have been insanely OTT in the help I've been doing.
And yes to whoever said if I am planning to leave I absolutely need to not mess up my own job... thats my route to my own independence and I need to be abit more "selfish" and put me back as my priority. I could kick myself now that I let my workload slip to a point I've been unable to take any of the summer off with my kids.
I guess going forward I need to contact her uni directly to discuss options for her return there, and put some sort of end date on this for her to find an alternative by.
As for whoever said about childcare tbh I'd never trust her to be able to... she sat in the car once with my pretty well behaved 6yo but he was doing handstands.on the back seat and I came back to her crying 🙄

OP posts:
MNetcurtains · 08/09/2023 13:26

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 12:46

@Ylvamoon

Yep. Now I think that her degree maybe isn't really genuine. She's been massively mollycoddled - even her job back.home is next door to the dad in a very similar line of work. She was never taught to cook etc. She literally punched her fist down on the sofa when her mum didn't pander to something she was saying. I think the situation is going to implode in not a good way if something doesn't change.

I did think a little if I was given this support I'd be literally doing whatever I could in leui of payment, like housework etc. Then I thought maybe thats exploitation... I never have asked her to do anything but I did think wow... she just doesn't bother. I can't force her to get on her feet, I've given her every thing as best I can and she's tuned out. I think really it is best she goes home to her parents, if uni flops. She has no desire to get on her feet and I worry now reading the thread that they all think they've really landed on their feet with us and are here for the long haul.

The only person being exploited here is you. If you don't get rid of her now, you are going to be saddled with her for the foreseeable future. Either put her on a plane or take her to Uni and dump her there.

It doesn't sound as though she's remotely interested in her studies, perhaps this was all just a ruse to come and stay here permanently.

Also, If her husband was not born in the UK, what is he doing here?

saxamaxa · 08/09/2023 13:26

The best thing you can ever do for her is buy her a one way ticket back. Make sure your DH pays for the ticket as it was his problem. Anyway, she's not your problem.

Beautiful3 · 08/09/2023 13:23

Sounds like she isn't interested in the course, and she has problems with her ex. She needs to go home and be with her family. That would be best all round. I'd give her a month to leave.

Mrs86 · 08/09/2023 13:23

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:50

@Jaemoon 🤣🤣🤣 that actually made me lol

I don't want praise from her, my husband just took umbridge with the fact she was praising me.

Reading this all has really taken a weight off me. I felt so guilty for feeling fed up, not necessarily with the help but the immaturity and entitlement. I am seriously going to start making steps to see if there is something like Southall black sisters who can take over.

Shes 26. She has the mind of a teenager though. But that also means she will easily fall into a bad situation. Like I've been telling her, and the police told her to report his aunt calling her on 101 as it can be a breach of his bail if he asked her to make the call, but she keeps showing me outfits for some upcoming festival instead. And also the bedsheet doesn't match all the new bedding and curtain set I got her. I seem to be spending my working hours with her phone pressed up to my face showing me various tik toks. Omg.

She sounds like a 'papa ki pari' 😂 (Going off your name here so I'm assuming you understand Urdu). You need to get rid of her. If she's been a victim of DA I don't know why the police haven't found her a place in a refuge/shelter, if she absolutely can't go back to that place or her husband then they usually find somewhere victims can stay temporarily, safely.

If she starts looking seriously I'm sure she can private rent or find a student share accommodation. She's living it up with you guys and on top of that scot free. She isn't your responsibility!

saxamaxa · 08/09/2023 13:22

Op it's not your problem about whether she can stay here to finish her course or not or whether she has some place else to go to. Kick her out now ffs

Mostlyoblivious · 08/09/2023 13:22

When you said you think she’s waiting for someone to come and hand it all on a plate did you not realise that you are that person, handing it all on a plate to her?

You have done enough (far more than enough). Kick her out. It is not your responsibility or problem. It is amazing that you have tried to support her so so much, but she clearly doesn’t want it. Kick her out.

LAMPS1 · 08/09/2023 13:21

You are helping a young person who shouldn’t even be in this country now her husband has abandoned her. She needs to go home and have her own family help her. She doesn’t sound grateful for your thoughtfulness towards her and is making even more conflict in your marriage and home. The situation is untenable and you should be very mindful of the legalities of supporting her in this country financially, especially if she can’t pay her fees. Are you planning on paying her fees too ? It would be better to give her a plane ticket home.
Or make an appointment for her with student support at her uni, telling them you can no longer help her or house her.
Im sure she will be glad to be back home after all her troubles.

Pinkdelight3 · 08/09/2023 13:20

the plan i had in my head of her completing uni then going on to full time work and renting her own space is not going to happen

The plan you had in your head was bonkers. Do you regularly rearrange your whole life around looking after strangers for years? If so, sign up to be a foster carer or something, but this woman is not your child, she's nothing to you but a drain. If you refuse to see this and keep hand-wringing, you're a fool.

Pinkdelight3 · 08/09/2023 13:18

That's why I am sympathetic because I can imagine what it must have felt like to have been trapped with a person doing that.

So donate to women's charities. Don't waste your sympathy on this woman (not girl). You've done too much already and it's only caused more problems in the long run. Detach detach detach. It is nothing to do with you.

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 13:16

The DV 100% isn't a scam, she had a broken nose, strangulation bruising on her neck and 2 black eyes the day I saw her and took her to hospital. There is another hospital admission too where she had displaced vertebrae. Her husband isn't British, he's the dependent. No doubt there wasn't a real intention to study, she said she didn't want to do that course but he made her as it had a higher chance of a visa. She was going to complete it as a route for them to remain here. That's why I am sympathetic because I can imagine what it must have felt like to have been trapped with a person doing that. But, he's been gone 3m and she doesn't seem to be taking any steps in her future.
I would never drop her at a gurdwara , thats the route into more serious problems unless by some miracle she finds someone genuine but from the stories I hear she'll just be ripe for exploitation.

I'll look more into the link someone posted about help for no recourse to public funds because the plan i had in my head of her completing uni then going on to full time work and renting her own space is not going to happen, and I can't carry this on anyway until her course ends like this.

OP posts:
F1ymetothetoon · 08/09/2023 13:16

My kitchen sieve has fewer holes than this thread Hmm

Pinkdelight3 · 08/09/2023 13:15

Withdraw completely from all the detail of her situation and sorting it out. None of it is your business or your problem. You've done way more than enough and she's a 26yo adult who is responsible for their own situation. Give her a deadline (no more than a week, ideally less) to get out and stick to it. Until you toughen up and draw the line, she's going to keep taking the piss and it is (keep repeating) nothing to do with you. You could literally go and take in a random needy case and they'd be more grateful and less trouble than she is.

heartofglass23 · 08/09/2023 13:15

What a mess.

Kick her out.

The whole thing sounds like a stitch up.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/09/2023 13:15

You are still not taking on board that none of this is anything to do with you.
Tell her and her father that this is not working for you and that she will have to leave by next Friday morning.
If she has to go back to her parents home, then so be it.
You say she has got gold (!) so she can use that to pay for a ticket or her family can pay. It's not your problem, it will just be easier if there is a plan is place. She will not be destitute, she can pay for a hotel as she clearly has funds.
The fact that she is being difficult and not even trying to be nice, should make you see she is just a cheeky fucker. Anyone who was being housed for free by strangers would do things like baby sitting, cleaning, cooking etc, and instead she's moaning that the service isn't up to her standards!
Just tell her to go. Be prepared for a scene. But she will fall on her feet, she's good at getting people to run around after her.
This is not your problem.
This is not your problem.