Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 08/09/2023 14:14

PinkCherryBlossoms · 08/09/2023 11:26

This whole situation is incomprehensible.

This is not your problem. Kick her out let her go to her dad. This is madness

HarrietPierce · 08/09/2023 14:13

Emz6103

"she's foreign, the council love those, especially if they've been abused they'll give her a flat straight away. "

It only works like that in the Daily Mail.

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 14:11

@MoreThanAMumma

There is just no way I could. But definitely I'll be deciding a (soon) deadline. I've really had enough now, especially now I really think about yeah she's supporting the police case but she won't bloody ring 101 unless I go and shove a ringing phone in her hand and report the bail breaches. Not my circus, not my monkeys. I really needed some MN perspective on this, seriously .

OP posts:
Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 14:07

@Lwrenagain Yeah you can pm

I am absolutely LTB :D , I am in the process of getting enough things together to get my own place, I do utterly realise his side of this hoo haa is far from healthy or normal.

OP posts:
Emz6103 · 08/09/2023 14:05

Either kick her out or continue making excuses for her. You've been a total walk over, and are just making excuses for her now. I've never heard so many excuses.....she's foreign, the council love those, especially if they've been abused they'll give her a flat straight away. YMCA take people straight away on the day if they're homeless. Something tells me you'll keep her with you, you'll continue to make excuses as to why she's not entitled to any help and your marriage will likely suffer. I'd never have anyone blatantly use me like that, not sure what you hope to get from us here we can't kick her out and why would she leave since she lives rent free with s built in butler. Sorry OP just call the YMCA n tell them she is homeless and cannot stay with you and has absolutely no other friends

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 14:05

I guess I just don't have that mindset yet to just cut right off. I think giving the numbers is pretty fair, that at least let's me not worry that she was utterly helpless.

Her husband called mine I guess because he sensed "a good thing". And they've alienated all other options in the 5m they'd been here so far. Originally he had wanted her to call my husband and fake cry and ask for money , she refused. After that the landlord told them to go and the husband called mine. He is highly manipulative, I guess its brushed off abit. He's called a few times since fake crying/howling about how he needs to see his wife "one last time" and eventually asked my husband for £20 ... this has obviously all unfolded and come to light as time as gone on.
They weren't on a scam re. the visa, just the student route was what he chose to settle here (legally via 1 year study, 2 year post study work then I guess skilled worker sponsorship) which is why I presume she isn't bothered about her course (I.e she seemed to have been doing the bare minimum). She still has legal status here, she is a current student. Whether that will change in future if the remaining fees are paid or whether she will pass is another thing, and I am learning absolutely not my problem .

OP posts:
MoreThanAMumma · 08/09/2023 14:05

What is stopping you from putting all her stuff on the street?!
If she comes banging at your door, then call the police and make her their problem

BygoneDays · 08/09/2023 14:02

KatyKopykat · 08/09/2023 11:19

And your husband sounds strange too

Absolutely, what a weirdo. Definitely time to LTB. You deserve so much better than him.

Lwrenagain · 08/09/2023 14:01

@BasKaro can I send you a PM? X

PinkyFlamingo · 08/09/2023 14:00

What's actually wrong with you that you're putting up with this madness!

aloneagaingreat · 08/09/2023 13:56

This is like something out of Take A Break.

Sorry, OP. But you need to get rid.

Nazzywish · 08/09/2023 13:56

I can guess she is from somewhere like india/ pakistan that area by sounds of and by sounds of the way your bending over backwards for her. Kick her out and send her back home. Do it soon otherwise risk your marriage and family life completely falling apart and then you've only got yourself to blame. She has family, the drama back home is not your problem,her masters not your problem because I bet even if she gets it there'll be some excuse of another why she's still dependant on you. And why would she go back home if your making life so easy for her. Your lucky your jusband is fed up and wants her gone because soon it may be that he wants her to stay " think second wife" scenario and then your in even bigger trouble. Get her out now even if everyone calls you all the names under the sun, tell her she has until x date to get out and then kick her out. Or pay for her ticket back home literally buy the ticket and do not let her back in. Your being silly and will only have yourself to blame if your family falls apart because your being weak towards her. Sorry sounds harsh I know but in this case she is NOT without other options.

Positive41 · 08/09/2023 13:54

My head hurts reading all that!

Her family might be abroad but they're not on another planet.

It hasn't worked out for her. Either the family pops on a plane and helps her, or she goes home. End of.

ClawedButler · 08/09/2023 13:53

When this is discussed with her ill give her a list of numbers and she is perfectly capable of ringing them

My love, she is perfectly capable of FINDING the numbers she needs.

It's like a buffalo has been let loose in your house and you're worrying about offending it by asking it not to crap on the carpet!

NotNewButNameChanged2023 · 08/09/2023 13:52

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 12:28

@NotNewButNameChanged2023

Not related or even friends. My husband didn't think it through, but in terms of her I don't really see in a way what else could have been done. Even WA were like " thanks for looking after her because there is nowhere else she can go". I guess because 1)I've been through DV and know how isolating and horrific it can be , especially when you lack support. And 2) it's becoming more.common in our community the fate of students who come here and fall between the gaps, there was a suicide just about 2 m ago really close. But it's really gone out of control now I can see. Without constant "mothering" she won't finish her course, she won't sort out the fees etc. She has some gold she was talking about selling which would pay a chunk of it, plus she does have a working family back home and some work here. But she doesn't try or think of a plan, I think she thinks someone is going to come and hand it all to her on a plate. I got her a great job interview for the same work she did back home and that would have certainly led to her longer term settlement and she didn't bother to revise for the maths/English test. They gave her another chance and an online log in to practice and retake and she never bothered. She's been in UK since Jan and only now has a job because I got my husband to literally take her to every local business with a CV I made. Her husband never had a job at all and his parents send money. I guess after 3m her plan isn't my problem. She had a clear route out, free food and accommodation, even was going to get her driving and she just doesn't bother. There is no magic want for her, I think inevitably her student visa will get cancelled whether due to lack of fees or the fact she doesn't do the work and is failing.

Really needed to hear all this

But why is she in your house and seen as your responsibility?
Why was your husband contacted in the first place if you don’t even know her?

Have I missed the link somewhere?!

carly2803 · 08/09/2023 13:49

Miyagi99 · 08/09/2023 13:48

You’re not getting it. It’s not your problem , she needs to stand on her own two feet now as you’ve helped her enough. Drop her off at a refuge or at the uni with her bags. She’s 26!!!! She’ll have to work out what she can do from there and they’ll have much more idea of the specific resources available to her, you’ll in effect be doing her a good service as at the moment she’s trapped in this situation as she’s living the high life with you!

This - ^^ she is NOT your problem

get her out - this weekend! shes a grown ass woman shes is not your child!

Miyagi99 · 08/09/2023 13:49

You could get in trouble if ostensibly she’s in the country illegally now.

aloneagaingreat · 08/09/2023 13:49

ManateeFair · 08/09/2023 11:53

my husbands bonkers/narc. , put him to one side for the mo

I don't think you can just 'put him to one side' when he got you into this situation in the first place. He is as much part of the problem as the woman who is staying in your house.

My guess is that your husband, who has been emailing her to slag you off, was either hoping to sleep with her and was rebuffed, or has actually slept with her and now she's refusing to let it happen again.

I think it must be something like this.

Miyagi99 · 08/09/2023 13:48

You’re not getting it. It’s not your problem , she needs to stand on her own two feet now as you’ve helped her enough. Drop her off at a refuge or at the uni with her bags. She’s 26!!!! She’ll have to work out what she can do from there and they’ll have much more idea of the specific resources available to her, you’ll in effect be doing her a good service as at the moment she’s trapped in this situation as she’s living the high life with you!

aloneagaingreat · 08/09/2023 13:47

This is all absolutely nuts.

But the "fake screaming" at the name of a "lower caste".....wtaf??? ConfusedConfusedConfused

And your husband sending her long bitchy emails about you? Apart from the fact that's insane - why are they emailing each other anyway? They live in the same house.

Also, why is she always sniffing? I'm not sure what you mean by this? The giggling then sniffing when she saw you makes me thinks she's pretending to cry, is that it?

Either way, get rid. You're being a mug.

usernamealreadytaken · 08/09/2023 13:47

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 13:16

The DV 100% isn't a scam, she had a broken nose, strangulation bruising on her neck and 2 black eyes the day I saw her and took her to hospital. There is another hospital admission too where she had displaced vertebrae. Her husband isn't British, he's the dependent. No doubt there wasn't a real intention to study, she said she didn't want to do that course but he made her as it had a higher chance of a visa. She was going to complete it as a route for them to remain here. That's why I am sympathetic because I can imagine what it must have felt like to have been trapped with a person doing that. But, he's been gone 3m and she doesn't seem to be taking any steps in her future.
I would never drop her at a gurdwara , thats the route into more serious problems unless by some miracle she finds someone genuine but from the stories I hear she'll just be ripe for exploitation.

I'll look more into the link someone posted about help for no recourse to public funds because the plan i had in my head of her completing uni then going on to full time work and renting her own space is not going to happen, and I can't carry this on anyway until her course ends like this.

So you're now admitting you're happy to support both of them in an immigration scam? FFS.

Pinkdelight3 · 08/09/2023 13:46

When this is discussed with her ill give her a list of numbers and she is perfectly capable of ringing them.

Well you don't have to do that either, but you seem pathologically unable to withdraw from the helper/mug role, so do the absolutely minimum by giving her some numbers, and beyond that send her on her way and leave her to it. And do it today, so she can get her shit together over the weekend and go. Don't give her time to engineer some BS crisis that'll pull on your heartstrings. Even if she does, that's for her family to deal with. She's still not your problem.

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 13:46

He doesn't know shes staying here , before he was told to leave (my husband took.him to the main town station) my husband got her to hide her bags when he was in the garden and walk down a back alley and he told the husband she had already gone. It makes sense to suspect it but he's not found the house again nor said he thinks she's here. He did call and question my husband who said she was long gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 13:42

Her husband didn't drive here, my husband picked them up. I thought it'd be too high risk for her to remain but the police actively encouraged her staying here , I guess no one wants "the problem". I guess I don't need to contact her uni etc. When this is discussed with her ill give her a list of numbers and she is perfectly capable of ringing them.

OP posts:
usernamealreadytaken · 08/09/2023 13:42

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 13:04

@titchy

Uni (some student support worker, forgot the actual title) did say this on a call with me present (when I was sorting out who we needed to contact with regards to what, who her tutors were etc) . Whether the lecturers go though with that suggestion I don't know. But in terms of DV she's very high risk and he is hunting her down and using others too which adds to it. However another uni person did suggest she just go.home (!)

Her case is absolutely genuine , I've been there at every point.

Why is he "hunting her down" when he knows she's staying with you?