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Original poster

Leaving our home in a mess

266 replies

Holdinguptherock · 05/09/2023 21:27

I have a good friend who I have known
since childhood.
She is british married to a Spanish man. They currently live in Dubai due to her husband’s job, but keep their flat in Spain. They have two sons aged 9 and 7.

They wanted to spend week in London this summer visiting friends & family and showing the children the sights. So, we agreed to exchange our house in London for their flat in Spain.
We had a lovely time there, especially as their flat is close to the sea.

When we left we swept and tidied the flat, stripped the beds and emptied the bins.
Our house on the other had was left in a complete mess, food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys (which were on the floor).
I was quite shocked as my friend didn’t apologise (or even attempt to make any excuse about leaving in a hurry and not having time to clean up).

I realise that they have a lot of help in Dubai, (they have a nanny, a housekeeper/cook and chauffeur),
and may not be used to cleaning up after themselves or managing their kids, but I would have thought they would make an effort in someone else’s home.

She has asked to do it again next year and I am now unsure about what to do.
I feel I should say something. My OH says we should just leave it and remember the lovely holiday.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Dontcareforthehaters · 06/09/2023 01:28

That's disappointing. I'd still do it again next year because it sounds as though you had a nice time in Spain at their place. You could suggest that they hire and pay for a cleaner for their stay.

Original poster
Holdinguptherock · 06/09/2023 00:40

@Unexpectedlysinglemum

I agree with this.

‘I think it's less about being a friend and more about this friend just being dirty and messy and her kids also being brought up like that due to the hired help in Dubai’

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdinguptherock · 06/09/2023 00:37

Thanks for the link @GrumpyPanda

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdinguptherock · 06/09/2023 00:35

…’Absolutely let’s do it again next year - we had a fabulous time. Although, with you being so busy with the children while you were staying, you would need to arrange a cleaner as I see you didn’t have time to do it while you were here!’

I like this message as I think she would ask me about it and I could bring it up then.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 06/09/2023 00:18

Not with the hassle. Just sign up to a house swap website and swap with someone with good reviews.

Notcontent · 06/09/2023 00:16

I know a few people who have lived and worked in places like Dubai ( and visited them while there) and based on my admittedly small sample, many get too used to the expat lifestyle (I.e. having lots of “help” on slave labour wages) and seem to lose ability to normal tasks like cleaning up after themselves!

CocoC · 06/09/2023 00:13

I think you need to say what Whataretheodds suggested.
If you hide behind the cleaner, it is cowardly - and she might suggest you also pay for the cleaner for her house.
Also - this time it was toys and chairs - next time it will be something else. You can't just cover the chairs in plastic and hope it will be OK, she needs to be aware of the need to be careful!
The sensitive thing - that's just too easy. She also needs to be sensitive to you!

CocoC · 06/09/2023 00:11

GotMooMilk · 05/09/2023 21:59

This is the perfect message

Show quote history

Yes, this.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 06/09/2023 00:08

Whataretheodds · Yesterday 21:38

"We had a lovely time in Spain and I'm glad you enjoyed your stay. This is a little awkward, but coming home really took the shine off the trip for me. When we got home we found food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys. I was disappointed and hurt. I couldn't sign up for another exchange if I thought there was a chance of that happening again."

just send this…

DPotter · 06/09/2023 00:06

Whataretheodds

"We had a lovely time in Spain and I'm glad you enjoyed your stay. This is a little awkward, but coming home really took the shine off the trip for me. When we got home we found food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys. I was disappointed and hurt. I couldn't sign up for another exchange if I thought there was a chance of that happening again."

Another commendation for Whataretheodds - a beautifully balanced reply.

Oh and don't let CF off the hook just because they are sensitive to a little bit of appropriate feedback. She knows the state she left your home in and if you agree to swap again, she'll leave the mess again and that's totally disrespectful - sensitive, CF or long term close friend

Jadebanditchillipepper · 06/09/2023 00:04

It's disrespectful to you and your family and you should definitely say something.

However, did your Dh help with the clean up operation or leave it all to you? If he's that unbothered about the mess, I would suggest that you would be only too happy to do it again if he does the entire clean up next time (While you enjoy a Spa or similar)

saythatagaintome · 06/09/2023 00:03

I wouldn’t do it again. And I would have to mention the mess, honestly. There’s really no excuse. Obvs they know it’s your home??

I have successfully swapped our tropical holiday home with others (strangers) from around the world, and never have I (or them) ever left the homes in such disarray.

I’m sorry you came home to that mess. I’d be so put out by that… it’s totally disrespectful.

TheShellBeach · 05/09/2023 23:58

"You want to swap again? Sorry - we haven't finished cleaning and tidying our house after the last time you came and trashed it."

Merryoldgoat · 05/09/2023 23:56

Whataretheodds · 05/09/2023 21:38

"We had a lovely time in Spain and I'm glad you enjoyed your stay. This is a little awkward, but coming home really took the shine off the trip for me. When we got home we found food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys. I was disappointed and hurt. I couldn't sign up for another exchange if I thought there was a chance of that happening again."

This really is perfect and if she gets the arse about it she’s an inconsiderate twit.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/09/2023 23:40

readbooksdrinktea · 05/09/2023 23:14

What kind of friend treats your home like this? She doesn't give a shit, and you're worried about hurting her feelings. Come on now.

I think it's less about being a friend and more about this friend just being dirty and messy and her kids also being brought up like that due to the hired help in dubai

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/09/2023 23:39

TomatoSandwiches · 05/09/2023 23:24

Sure but leave her flat in the same state you were left with last time and see if she cottons on.

The cleaners will sort it out so the friend will have no idea

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/09/2023 23:39

TheUsualChaos · 05/09/2023 23:33

As a PP has said, I wondered if they just assume you have a cleaner that would have all been sorted for you before you got home? Though that doesn't excuse the complete lack of respect for your home that they have shown. It's not just the mess. Broken toys etc and not a word about it? I'd struggle to see her as a friend in the same way.

The ex Pat life can turn the sweetest people into brats

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/09/2023 23:38

Could you swap for dubai instead? And you don't do any clear up at all? (You'll feel guilty but the help there is paid)

Or say to her you'd love to but please could they either do a house clean at the end (detail eg strip beds empty bin replace anything broken) of cover a cleaner to do a turnaround

SheSaidHummingbird · 05/09/2023 23:36

@Holdinguptherock "She is quite sensitive to any form of criticism in the past"

🙄

Now I understand how so many CFs make it to adulthood.

TheUsualChaos · 05/09/2023 23:33

As a PP has said, I wondered if they just assume you have a cleaner that would have all been sorted for you before you got home? Though that doesn't excuse the complete lack of respect for your home that they have shown. It's not just the mess. Broken toys etc and not a word about it? I'd struggle to see her as a friend in the same way.

DaughterNo2 · 05/09/2023 23:32

AuntMarch · 05/09/2023 21:30

"No, we won't be repeating this next year. It was quite unpleasant coming home to such a mess. You not even acknowledging the fact makes it clear you are a bit of a selfish cunt"

I'd struggle to be interested in a friendship with someone who made it so blatantly obvious they had no respect for me.

This to be honest! How rude

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 05/09/2023 23:27

Yea, but on condition you leave it as you found it. We'll do the same, then nobody has to worry about cleaning up when they arrive home.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/09/2023 23:24

Sure but leave her flat in the same state you were left with last time and see if she cottons on.

Jl2014 · 05/09/2023 23:17

i would tell her no and because she’d left my house in a shit tip.

junbean · 05/09/2023 23:15

I couldn’t do it, and I’d have to confront her over the mess. There’s no excuse for it. It’s not just the mess itself but the disrespect I couldn’t get over. I feel sorry for her staff, as this kind of behavior is disrespectful to them as well.

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