Leaving our home in a mess

I don't think you should leave it and not say anything. You need to tell her. Something along the lines of

"We really enjoyed the time in Spain but we were upset when arriving home to see the state of our house. There was a lot of mess as well as damage to some furniture and broken toys. Don't mean to cause upset, but feel I needed to say something. I am not sure I would want to repeat this next year if this is going to happen again. If we do agree, can I ask that you please make sure that no damage is done and that the place is cleaned"

Maybe too direct, but I find it hard to believe you friend could stay in your house and not notice the message and damage left. They need it to be explained to them.

Who cares if she doesn't take criticism well, she completely disrespected you and your home.

If you do want to house swap again tell her she'll need to pay to get it cleaned as she left it in such a mess last time. If you don't want to, tell her why.

Tell her you are going somewhere else next year.

[off topic] But what sort of paint was left on the leather furniture??
Did you manage to get it off? Eeeek

Realistically, they don't clean. They have a cleaner etc.

You wouldn't want them to clean your place.

If there is a next time, put away (under lock) anything precious and be prepared to pay for a cleaner and ask them to (or not to) pay for it or clean your self. Asking them to pay for a cleaner is also when you could add that the place was left not at all like they had found it.

Did you have to pay their cleaner while you were there?

This. A good way to word it.

Our cleaner cleans the house, not picks up left over food, removes paint and broken toys. We leave things clear so she can do her job.
Even if the friend paid more for a cleaner to tidy up, the paint on furnishings, stickers on chairs and broken toys is outside that remit and I wouldn't be able to relax on holiday for wondering what state the house was left in now that it's already happened before.

A flat in Spain, a place in Dubai with hired help, and they want to 'borrow' your place for a week??? JFC sounds like they've got enough money to rent somewhere!!!

I'd just say "haven't decided what we are doing next year yet"

I don't personally think it's worth falling out over, like you say, they've gotten out of the habit of clearing up after themselves. That said, your friend sounds a bit of a nightmare to be honest ..

An apartment in Spain and a house in London doesn’t sound like a fair swap. No I wouldn’t do it again. I’d rather rent somewhere than risk more damage to my property. i think you should bite the bullet and explain. Your children must have been upset to see their toys broken. That was the worse in a way, not caring about your dcs feelings., so rude.

If you swap houses again, leave instructions for your friend about how to leave the house before departure (empty bins, run dishwasher, strip bed etc), just like in a holiday let.

Hopefully she'll also feel bad seeing how neat her apartment has been left compared to how she left your place.

(they have a nanny, a housekeeper/cook and chauffeur)

Are you sure they have the above and it’s not just pie in the sky talk? I’m very familiar with the way of life and the above isn’t adding up. Even the language used. Then there’s the house swapping.

What she did is plain rude. Even if I'm staying in a Travelodge I don't leave it in a state, always make the bed, fold towels, bag up my rubbish. Some people just live like tramps.

Not used to criticism?

She had better start as she deserves it.

Ask yourself who she expected to pick up her shit? Your family, that's who.

Not only did she leave mess, she wrecked toys and furniture. Utter disrespect.

You take this and say nothing she'll see it as permission to carry on.

Doesn't matter what kind friend she has been. Gratitude does not warrant servitude.

And as for her not taking criticism well....who does? None of us like being called out on things we have done. But the fact that she reacts badly against the person giving the criticism, rather than using it for self relflection as most people would do, isnt your problem @Holdinguptherock It doesnt mean that the criticism shouldnt be given. She doesnt want to hear it, well as I said, who does? And if she cuts you off and ends the friendship over it, well it wasnt that much of a friendship if it was always entirely dependent her doing what she wants and you never ever calling her out on it.

I find it very interesting that there a lot of people who say that they dont want to end a long standing friendship over an issue where the other person has treated them badly. Dont you see that it wouldnt be you ending the friendship over her bad behaviour, but her ending it over refusing to acknowledge her bad behaviour and making it your fault for pointing out said behaviour to her when she doesnt like, and cant deal with, the negative feelings it endgenders within her.

You sound happy, well grounded, confident.....why are you so seemingly helpless in the face of tantrums from a grown woman?

I must say I would not regard it as my
problem that she doesn’t react well to criticism. She’s bringing up entitled little monsters too so I would have to say something.
I don’t think so. I was pretty upset by how our house was left. How do you think we are supposed to get the paint off our furniture and explain to our children that yours just broke their toys and left them lying on the floor? I couldn’t do that to the children or myself again.

I love all the answers saying get a cleaner, does no one just do it themselves anymore? 😂

How is that honest? OP mentioned nothing about paying for cleaning.

She doesn't have to worry about confrontation when the other party is in Dubai.

There doesn't have to be an awkward conversation, just a polite but firm email or text.

Agreed, and signing up to arrangements like this has the small print that you may have to confront an awkward situation if it doesnt work out!

Agree with the poster above , OP put your big girl adult panties on and tell your friend like wut?

The OP will say she doesn’t like confrontation.

Yeah, well, hardly anyone does. But being an adult means you do sometimes have to have awkward conversations.

"I am sorry but as much as we loved our stay in Spain, it was temepered by our return. I am afraid that the mess, broken toys and damaged furniture means that we can't consider a swap like this again."

As a pp said, she didnt give a thought as to whether you would be upset about how she had treated your home, why would you worry about her reaction to being told about it.

She doesnt react well to criticism? Well there is one solution to that......dont do things that will invite it!

@Holdinguptherock, I think I made my feelings about you doing the swap again clear in my response to a pp. However, I do have a couple of things I am still wondering about, but at the end of the day, whatever your gut reaction is to your friend's behaviour, and to any suggestions made by us posters, I believe that you should listen to it, even if it doesn't seem like common sense!

I do wonder if your friend even knows in what state you left her property in Spain, because she probably had a cleaner arranged for as soon as you vacated the property, and the cleaner might not have told her that you left it so clean and tidy that s/he, the cleaner, didn't actually need to do anything.

Even if your friend knows that you don't usually have a cleaner, she might have assumed you would do so in this instance. However in my opinion, even if she does think that, it doesn't change the fact that she still treated your home and your and your family's belongings, absolutely terribly, which is so disrespectful to all of you!

I expect that not many cleaner's will try and clean the paint off the chair without you specifically requesting that (hopefully it was childrens washable paint), or be able to mend the toys, so I just don't see how another swap with them would work. I wonder if your husband thinks about the emotional side to this, or just the practical. Good luck in making the right decision for you and your family OP 🌻

I cannot believe how passive people are

This woman wrecked your house????

She's not bothered about upsetting you, is she????

This ^^

When @Holdinguptherock mentioned her husband's response those were my immediate thoughts as well!

She did say "we" when she said about cleaning the flat before they left, but "we" can be used on occassions when it should really be "I", for all sorts of reasons. But if they truly shared the cleaning in Spain then I hope that they at least shared it equally on their return.

However, like you suggested @Jadebanditchillipepper, if her husband doesn't want the OP to bring it up to her friend then he must say that he will do all of the cleaning, tidying, replacing broken toys, and repairing any disrespect to their furniture.

But to be honest, if I was in a similar situation, and even if my husband agreed to take on all of the aftercare when we got home, I wouldn't be able to relax whilst on my holiday - whether it was in Spain or Dubai - because I would be worried about what was happening in my home while I was away.

Our homes are more than just bricks and mortar, our belongings are more than just items of furniture, our personal things (which include the children's toys) are not just as they were when bought in a shop, so no, I couldn't repeat the experience again, because even if my "friend" agreed to any conditions I set, I would still know that my place might be trashed again and that she would just hire a cleaner at the end of their stay.