Leaving our home in a mess

My honest advice would be for you to lay your cards on the table here. If she or her DH get offended by it, you can easily counter than offence by being offended yourself.
Why weren't you offended that someone you thought of as a friend, left your home and belongings in such a terrible state when you left their place really tidy when you left?
Be outraged and offended yourself.

If they are offended, let them be. Their offence doesn't trump yours. You're saying what you came home to. That's not something you imagined. It was real. It took the shine off the holiday you had when you came home to such mess. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "You left my home in a terrible mess. Whether you meant to or not, you did so I'm not rushing to open the door to you again". Do they know that you don't have a cleaner? Do they use a cleaner when they are in their home?

You ask what would we do.
Well, I would not be making excuses for a disrespectful 'friend'. They damaged furniture and left food on the table and floor. They also left toys broken without replacing them, in fact they left the damage displayed around the place because they couldn't even be bothered to pick them up.
This is not a friend, regardless of what exotic places they have for future holiday swaps.
I know what I'd do, having been in a similar situation in the past. I'd have sent photos and a very curt email.

I wouldn't be so desperate for a week in a flat in Spain to let other people live in my house!

….she’s sensitive…..? Bugger that!
I bet she’s got away with things all her life because nobody has ever confronted her.
I’d say no way and tell her why. She’s not a good friend Ffs!

@Unexpectedlysinglemum
I think it's less about being a friend and more about this friend just being dirty and messy and her kids also being brought up like that due to the hired help in dubai

We lived abroad and had hired help when our kids grew up and I think it made them more considerate of others and more tidy.

It's one thing to leave a mess for your Mum to clear up but my kids knew how disrespectful and obnoxious it would be to leave a mess for a hard working employee to clear up.

A lot of their friends were the same and a few were not and were spoilt. My guess is it's the same in households without any help.

Some cultures seem worse than others but it's hard to tell how true that is.

Not a hope in hell would I let her stay in my property again!!
Tell her why and all the things which were left broken or damaged...!!

It doesn't sound like much of a friendship given they don't live in the UK and their home away from Dubai is a flat in Spain. They don't live in the UK anymore and needed your house to show the kids the sights.

You don't see each other much then due to distance.

Why so afraid to say anything? Id send a bill for the broken toys and cleaning.

This is a friend you can do without

Tell them that they left your house in such a dirty mess and with damaged and broken items. Explain the costs and time to put it to rights. Say that you left their place clean. Tell them that next time they can pay for a hotel as they have no respect for your place. It’s not a friendship. No one would trash your place if they respected you.

You do need to have a conversation about this. Your friend disrespected your home, and therefore you as well.
Unacceptable.

It would also be a terrible state to leave the house for a cleaner....and doesn't explain the broken toys, that's pretty unforgiveable.

What would I do? I’d tell her exactly what she did, how much it upset me and how no, I wouldn’t be prepared to do it again.

This is someone you trust to be in your home (furnished, with all your belongings) but you're not able to have a conversation about this? I find this really weird.

If you don't hash it out and swap again, they are going to make even more mess next time because they will think its ik

Expat kids can also massively lack discipline and be very spoilt due to the lavish lifestyle they lead, and the domestic help they get. I’d be fuming at the broken toys and paint on furniture.

I remember once, when I was an expat, inviting over a child for a play date, and they just went round smashing everything of my sons. His mum sat there and said “oh don’t worry, if he breaks them I’ll buy new ones”.

Expat brats are the worst.

It sounds like you've already decided to do it again. But even if you're fine with the mess in return for the swap, please consider how this woman has behaved.

As we say so often on here - she has shown you who she is. She is someone who views/treats your home as a space as impersonal as a hotel or AirBnB and you as just one of many cleaning up after her. Not nice.

If you don't bring it up then you need to accept being a doormat for the rest of your days.

*But. You get free accommodation in Spain or Dubai in return for it.^

Friend also gets free accommodation in return.

The cost of London is seriously expensive.

It also cost OP time - to clean again, and cost of replacing toys - these aren’t part of the deal.

She sees you as the hired help!

I would have said something.

Hey! What happened to all the toys? Billy and Bob are upset they’ve been broken, and we now have to fork out to replace them all,
and who put ink on my chairs?

The holiday and your home are separate issues.

This. Maybe suggest they arrange a cleaner to come in at the end of their stay if you were comfortable with that and want another week in their place in Spain.

But yeah, I’d be furious about the disrespect they have for your place. I worked for people who had people to do everything for them, they’d probably leave it in the same condition because they’re just “too good” to do that type of thing themselves 🙄, but I think they would have arranged for someone to come clean it for them.

I don’t agree with that at all. We grew up with living in hired help and as many other families we were taught to be respectful to the cleaner. You know all those jokes about tidying up and cleaning before the cleaner comes? They are true.

People who treat their surroundings and helpers with disrespect are shit ignorant disrespectful entitled people all around the world. No need to pretend otherwise.

Say, Im hesitant to swap again as you left the place in such a mess, if we swap homes again its on the condition you either clean the place up after yourselves or leave £100 too I can get a cleaner in.

Okay, you are over thinking this. Treat them like a bad airBnb guest. You openned your house to them, they thrashed if, they are not welcome back.

You don’t need to give any explanations, just say the dates don’t work for you every time they ask.

You may try to fool yourself thinking that spending a week at her lovely flat in Spain and saving the friendship is a good reason to let them use your house again but I am sure you won’t enjoy another exchange with them if you spend the holiday worrying about what you will find damaged, broken or and messy at your return.

Shes not a good friend, though, is she?

Stop making excuses for her. Honestly, it wasn't a bit of dirt, she abused your home. Having a team of staff doesn't make it ok to treat friends like 'the help'. I bet she doesn't break her stuff or paint on her sofa. I'd be declining any future visits and bin her off.

Personally I would just say 'it doesn't really work for us we had a lot of work to get the house back to how it was when we returned and toys were broken'

Sorry but surely they should be told and have to think about it, be sensitive all they like but they treated your home without respect

If however the flat in Spain and nice time was worth the hassle cleaning up once home or worth the price of a cleaner to spruce it then by all means do it again

This is far too passive. I know it’s a friend but you really need to stick up for your own property and the fact you had to tidy up her family’s mess

I would go with @Whataretheodds suggestion. It’s fair but much more to the point