Leaving our home in a mess

I would take photos of the mess and confront her , it’s not on what she did and why are you letting her disrespect you and your home, that’s not a real friendship

This is correct!

Yet another thread on mumsnet where a CF gets away with awful behaviour because no-one dares call them out on it in case they throw a strop. These CFs know perfectly well that they can get away with such behaviour, and IMO they deliberately choose friends who they know won't stand up to them.

@Holdinguptherock you need to put your big girl pants on and say politely and firmly in a non confrontational way that a house swap doesn't work for you. And if she asks why you really need to tell her what kind of state your house was left in.

That’s up to you and how much you enjoy cleaning a mess after returning from a holiday really.

I think it's less about being a friend and more about this friend just being dirty and messy and her kids also being brought up like that due to the hired help in Dubai

I really wish people wouldn’t refer to people as the hired help. It’s such a derogatory term.

And for what it’s worth I very much doubt the existence of the nanny, cook/housekeeper and chauffeur.

Why is everyone on Mumsnet scared to speak honestly to their friends? I couldn't have friendships like that in my life.

If I came home to what you did, I'd have told her at the time that it was a piss take. Then you wouldn't be in your current position because she knows the expectations before even asking again.

think it's less about being a friend and more about this friend just being dirty and messy and her kids also being brought up like that due to the hired help in dubai

Perhaps. Doesn't mean she should get a free pass on thrashing the house. You teach people how to treat you. If OP doesn't say anything, the next time will be the same or worse.

If they're good friends then don't say anything on this occasion. If you home swap again, make sure you make it clear, even in writing (text email etc) that you expect the house tidied before they leave. If they do it again,the way I see it is if you're shitting everywhere in my home, your also shitting on our friendship. Just to add and I don't mean to be rude , but a lot expats who live in places like Dubai and Singapore are usually totally shit people to their "help" and there's a lot in the news about maid abuse. I'm not saying your friends are like that, but perhaps you got a glimpse of them in their every day lives and their more selfish (and unhygienic) side.

This person is not a friend if she doesn't have basic respect for your home.

Not a hope in hell you should do it again.

Christ, we even leave air bnbs immaculate when we go - I couldn’t imagine being that disrespectful to a friend!

Absolutely they wouldn’t be staying again.

We have a holiday let, we do let people we know stay there for free but only if they pay the cleaning fee at the end. But nobody we know would be so disrespectful as to break our stuff and not say anything!

Don't do it again if you are not capable of being honest with your friend. You are setting yourself up for a fall.

Is a week in a flat in Spain worth the cost of replacing toys, repairing / cleaning/ replacing the furniture with paint on and your time / annoyance at having to clean up after your friend..

And who knows what damage will be done next year if you say nothing this year.

Perfect message from @MzHzif you really want to do it again.

I would think🙄at the sensitivities of a person who could deliberately leave such a filthy mess behind for anyone.

They are dirty people.

I love my home and I wouldn't be the slightest bit interested in allowing my house to be used and disrespected like that.

Facing that upon return would really upset me🤷🏻‍♀️

Yup, LTB.

I think @MzHz suggested response is absolutely perfect. You really need to spell it out, this woman is your friend (supposedly).

Do people really think it's okay to leave the cleaner with a complete tip to deal with? I don't. People should clear up after themselves at least, not leave broken stuff and things all over the place.

I would have sent her a photo of the damage straight afterwards along with a "?" and awaited (hopefully) a very sincere apology and offer to pay for a professional clean up.

If you go ahead with this again without saying a word you will of course come back to the same mess. Why would you do this? Door-matty behaviour is not being kind or sensitive, it is just saying "you've walked over me before, why not do it again."

Agree. The friend probably knew she could get away with this foolishness, because OP is so mindful of her being sensitive 😒

No way you should send this message if you’re saying she’s sensitive to any form of criticism!

send the message @Whataretheodds suggested:

“We had a lovely time in Spain and I'm glad you enjoyed your stay. This is a little awkward, but coming home really took the shine off the trip for me. When we got home we found food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys. I was disappointed and hurt. I couldn't sign up for another exchange if I thought there was a chance of that happening again."

it gets all the points across, with a nod at sensitivity, but very clear and matter of fact/firm.

Why are you pussyfooting around her? I don't get it. She's disrespectful to your home. You need to tell her.

I'd cut her off for this. Appalling behaviour.

I'd say "Yes, that would be great, except we'd need to agree that you'll clean up the house properly this time when you leave as there was quite a lot of mess for us to sort out!"

If she's a good and old friend, and you enjoyed your week in Spain, I would give it another chance. But I would make the point of your expectations going forwards. I wouldn't itemise all the mess in the first message but if she said "I don't know what you mean" etc then I would spell it out.

If she ever did it again, it would obviously be a "No" to a house swap after that.
It could have been they were running late, but then at the least you'd say "So sorry about the mess - we ran so late I didn't have time to deal with it all". She hasn't acknowledged it which means she a) isn't aware of it or b) is aware of it but doesn't care what you think of that at all.

I'm betting that this 'sensitive' friend is only sensitive to her own feelings, not anyone else's; otherwise she'd have looked around the place and realised how massively disrespectful she and her family had been of the property and done something about it.

I'd just say something like " Oh we realised that having people in our house isn't for us." to close down the suggestion of doing it again.

They clearly have no shame, so there's little point in raking it up. If she doesn't take the huge hint, then it's time for home truths "DCs were upset that their toys were broken and it has been impossible to remove the paint from our leather sofa. Therefore we realise that having people in our house isn't for us. "

Blimey, op! Why haven't you told her how upset you were that they left your house on as hot state?

Having help in Dubai is no excuse. Presumably she hasn't always had servants?

And her being sensitive to criticism is a way of shutting down any criticism towards her, even justified criticism. It's not a healthy dynamic.

I'd tell her how upset you were about the state of your house, point out how clean you left her house, and say you don't want to swap again. Or she can pay for a cleaner at the end of her stay.