Leaving our home in a mess

I would say you were disappointed about the way it was left after them and after a long flight home the last thing you wanted to do was clean and tidy. So perhaps a house exchange isn't the right thing for your holiday.

Cleaners don’t get paint off furntiure and fix /replace broken toys, expecting someone to have a cleaner does not explain this level of disregard for the ops house and things.

they do in Dubai.

Assuming you want to stay friends with her, say yes that sounds lovely, however on reflection after house swaps you think it's a good idea to get a professional cleaner in because who doesn't love to come home to a sparking clean house, and would they be up for leaving cash and keys for the cleaner on their departure? If they live in Dubai I bet they'd be fine with this as you note it's totally normal over there to pay for cleaning services. They may have even assumed you would have a cleaner coming in to clean before you got back.

I don't want to defend them as it is naughty behaviour (I'll give them the benefit of the doubt as she's clearly your mate) but since having had cleaners in my place I've noticed I have also got much messier without realising.

Yeah, I'd open the conversation with what happened?? Were you sick, rushed or stressed?? Because we're a little shocked with the state of our place? Friend or not, she sounds over entitled and lazy Glad you enjoyed your holiday, but I wouldn't let them stay at yours again.

Cleaners don’t get paint off furntiure and fix /replace broken toys, expecting someone to have a cleaner does not explain this level of disregard for the ops house and things.

Dirt and food left for you to clean up is one thing, but damage like paint on a leather armchair is another. Surely it would cost you less to pay for a rental in Spain than repair the damage she could do to the house?

There's also the point that even someone this uncaring will be aware of the damage done, and that if you're not firm but polite it'll go down as "something that didn't matter"

Anyone care to think how that could impact on any future visit ...?

With the best will in the world, OP, I doubt it'll help; someone this thoughtless is very likely to read the first sentence, think "Woo hoo!!" and ignore the rest

Also has it occurred to you that her "sensitivity to criticism" is really just a mechanism for avoiding what she'd rather not address?

This!

I know it’s a thing. I’ve been employing staff to work in my home for decades. It’s why I’m able to comment specifically to the country mentioned as well as another one in the region. Chauffer? Nah. It’s a good story but the terminology isn’t correct and neither is an expat family being able to sponsor 3 domestic workers.

Could you go PA?

Oh, I'm surprised you asked actually. We figured you'd struggled with the house given the condition it was in when we got back?

One if the wildest things about friendships is when you visit their home. I have had friends and colleagues who you would never guess lived in such grot.
Tbh I think if the actual holiday was worth it I would let it slide, but I would leave written instructions on the fridge for things like bins and waste disposal. Put away the good toys,

Her friend will probably send a cleaner into the flat in Spain. She probably didn't expect OP to clean it. It's a second home in a popular holiday destination - most people who have one will have a local cleaner on speed-dial.

Alternatively, OP, do another swap, make no effort at all to clean after you leave her place, (and hire a cleaner to clean your home when she leaves). Sometimes the best response is a taste of their own medicine.

She knows she left the place a mess so what's the point of telling her? Does she think you have a cleaner? Even holidaying with good friends can throw up differences but I wouldn't fall out with a friend because of it. I'd chalk it up to experience.

Certain MN posters like to turn everything into a fight but you need to consider how good a friend she has been, how much you enjoyed the holiday in Spain.

You don't have to house swap with her again if you don't want to. Only you can judge how annoying or time-consuming or expensive it was to clean when you came home - and if it outweighed the fun you had on the holiday.

OP why cant you just tell your friend how you really feel? Sometimes I don't understand these threads on MN. Tell her you were unhappy with how she left your house last time and if you agree to it again they have to pay for a professional cleaner to come in before they leave.

DD flat shared in her first year in halls with a student from a very wealthy family from overseas. He had no clue on how to do any life skills. The blood from his raw meat (which he stored sideways) dripped down over everyone else's food in the fridge.

to be fair @RampantIvy I had UK born and raised students without servants in halls who did the same. Some are just daft.

If you enjoyed the holiday then don't mention it but just hire a cleaner for her last day next time and ask her to do the same for you. Cheaper than holiday accommodation.

Interestingly, DS house shares with a lovely boy who grew up abroad with servants and seems incapable of lifting a finger toclean and tidy

DD flat shared in her first year in halls with a student from a very wealthy family from overseas. He had no clue on how to do any life skills. The blood from his raw meat (which he stored sideways) dripped down over everyone else's food in the fridge.

And for what it’s worth I very much doubt the existence of the nanny, cook/housekeeper and chauffeur.

Why? I have British friends who live in Pakistan, they have all of that. Domestic staff are cheap. They don't want to come back to the UK as her husband would have to get the tube to work instead of being chauffer driven, my friend undressed and baths her baby and leaves his clothes and soiled nappy on the bathroom floor for the housekeeper to deal with.

When she came back to the UK for a holiday and stayed with her parents, she forgot and did the same. She was sternly ordered by her parents to clean that up and they weren't doing it.

It absolutely is a thing

"No. You trashed our home. You didn't clean up, or reimburse damage, nor offer explanation or apology. Absolutely not."

If you want to keep the friendship, just say, no, it was lovely but we want to go somewhere else next year.

Interestingly, DS house shares with a lovely boy who grew up abraod with servants and seems incapable of lifting a finger toclean and tidy. Ds and the others are getting v pissed off. I pointe dout he might not know how! He bought dishwasher tablets for the washing machine the other day. he just have never been taught the basics and panics when asked to wash up or mop or hoover. I suggested they teach him three simple skills and make those his household jobs.

why not suggest you both pay for a cleaner at the end of your respective stays - you can mention that it was a pain trying to clean her place before you left, and also that it's crap coming home to a mess. Much better if you both book a cleaner to whizz round at the end of your stay. Then you just pack and leave at the end of your Spanish holiday and don't waste the last day cleaning.

How on earth is 'hired help' a derogatory term?

Agree with this. 'We'd love to do it again, but we'd appreciate it if you could have the house cleaned after you leave.'