Leaving our home in a mess

100%

Good people don't behave like they did. They just don't.

And please tell me your husband didn't want you to not mention it while at the same time watching you sort out the mess that was left behind.

No do not let her stay again. Make up an excuse. Your insurance doesn't cover visitors. Anything you like . But don't have her back.

Hi Friend, in principle, I would love to do it again, we enjoyed Spain / would love to visit Dubai, etc. But oh my days, we need some kind of reciprocal house keeping agreement! Our house was a bit of a bomb site, what with the paint, stickers etc! I know what kids are like.., I hope ours didn’t inflict any mess in your place that I didn’t manage to intercept! Anyway, I’m sure we can sort all this out, and it is a good arrangement. Let me know what you think. Big Love x

If I arrived home and a friend had left my house like that, my immediate response would be to send them a photo and say "I'm so upset that I now have to do a deep clean of my home after just arriving back from holiday."

I really can't understand any other reaction. It's akin to having your home vandalised at that level of mess! Broken belongings and damaged furniture! It's not simply not doing the washing up or leaving beds unmade. I'm really mind blown.

She is one of those arseholes that use "sensitivity to criticism" as a way to shut down being challenged about appalling behaviour.

That sums it up very well.

I don't want to have to clean up when I arrive home

No, you need to say "I don't want to have to clean up AGAIN when I arrive home @Pallisers

Say hi and tell her why.

If it was just left messy/uncleaned I might consider it and say "sure I'd love to do it again but can we agree beforehand on the state of the house when we each leave. I don't want to have to clean up when I arrive home"

but the broken toys would make me not want to do it. I wouldn't want someone who would do that in my home.

She probably thought you would have a cleaner come in before you got home. Probably has no idea you cleaned up her place as her cleaner had already been in when she got home. A clash of cultures maybe? I would give benefit of the doubt and know I don't need to worry too much about leaving a bit of mess at her place next time.

She has asked to do it again next year and I am now unsure about what to do.

Maybe a line about how lovely that would be but you found all the tidying etc a bit much after getting home from the holiday and maybe she felt the same (I know she wouldn't as you tidied, but this may help grease the conversation?).

Suggest maybe you both agree to what cleaning and tidying should be done before you leave? Alternatively, just agree to leave each other's house a mess - and then do so!

Agreed.

I can't imagine any other reaction besides shock, disbelief and anger.

She is one of those arseholes that use "sensitivity to criticism" as a way to shut down being challenged about appalling behaviour.

We would be livid at the disrespect.

A few years ago my friend felt a bit badgered by her inlaws on a family WhatsApp group to allow her niece and boyfriend, mid 20's, stay in her home whilst there were away as they had a wedding nearby.

They live in a great urban spot and have loaned the house to her sister on occasion, without incident.

She didn't feel good about it but her husband also made her feel she was being a bit unreasonable as it was just for two nights.

Well they had a "small gathering" the night after the wedding.

A barely token effort was made to clean up a real mess.
My friend just couldn't believe it.
Empties lined up, dirty glasses, take out food boxes, smell of stale food, her kitchen floor a sticky mess.
She burst out crying she was so upset to see her home so disrespected.
She video'd it and stuck it up on the family WhatsApp.

She got into the car and went to stay with her parents and told her husband HE had better sort it out.

The video caused ructions because it laid bare the mess that could not be disputed.

Her husband was very upset because my friend didn't return home for several days and she blamed him as he had told her she was unreasonable.

He also was furious as his drinks cabinet was fully obliterated.

Real CF stuff.

It was all put right, cleaned up, replaced etc., but relationships have never quite been the same.

No one whom has respect for themselves and for others would leave a mess like that for anyone to come home to.

I think you do need to say something if you are doing it again.

They broke your kids toys. Imagine how upset youd feel as a child to come home and find someone had broken your stuff. It's not about replacing it, it's aboutthe fact they should be able to leave their things in a safe space, which home should be, and come home to them as the left them.

On their behalf, it's really not ok to repeat this.

Send her a bill.
If you want to doit again next year tell her she'll have to either pay a deposit (for cleaning & repairs) or engage - with evidence - professional cleaners before she leaves

Do it again but leave an unflushed horror in the toilet.

I would be telling them exactly why they can't visit next year.

I'd reply that you'd be happy to swap next year, on the condition that she brings her housekeeper with her.

And whilst I was there, I might leave a suitably stinky sandwich down the back of her sofa ;)

I wonder how she would react if you left her place in a mess?

https://www.bayt.com/en/uae/jobs/chauffeur-driver-jobs-in-dubai/. Google suggests that the term “Chauffeur” is used in Dubai and includes cases where someone is employed privately by a household (as to three domestic workers being employed in one family, I can’t comment on that).

I have a friend in Dubai who previously toyed with the idea of staying out long-term and raising her young kids there, but is having second thoughts because she’s a bit worried about the effects of kids being raised in a sort of weird privileged “bubble” where domestic help is always bustling around doing all the objectionable stuff for you. Even if you do your best to make your own kids pick up, clean up and treat any staff with respect (or even if you make the decision not to employ large amounts of help), they will inevitably pick up these kinds of careless and entitled attitudes from their peers.

It makes me wonder what the upper classes (and even middle classes) must have been like in the UK, back in “the day” when all households that weren’t actually poor used to have at least one servant of kind. Those living during the Agatha Christie era when domestic labor was becoming much more scarce and expensive must have found it almost traumatic, and would have had to learn some cleaning-up skills pretty fast….

Wow people are really over reacting on here! It sounds like a really great opportunity to have nice affordable holidays you just need to work out the agreement moving forward.

I'd just say to my friend that if we do it again you need to clean up after yourselves and make sure anything broken or damaged is replaced (explain what the problem was this time around) and that you agree to do the same. And then give them the benefit of the doubt that they would stick to the agreement - assuming they are happy with it!

She’s a skanky moo who is too bloody lazy to clean up food in her friends house.
I’m afraid I would see her in a new light….
But at the very least I would be telling her I was very disappointed in how she left my home and I would seriously have to think about next year.

Leaving your house a mess is one thing, but broken toys and paint splashed furniture?! That's horrendous! Were your DC upset that their toys were broken? I'm flabbergasted honestly and I wouldn't be thinking of a way to bring this up "indirectly", I'd be openly saying how upsetting it was to come back to that.

She may have been a supportive friend in the past but she certainly has no respect for you now!

Be honest and say no because they left things broken and dirty and you'd rather not have to come home to that

If you've been friends with this person so long, surely you can be honest? If it were me, i'd be inclined to make a bit of a joke out of it, but whilst still being upfront and addressing it. Something along the lines of 'Yeah, sounds like a great idea, but only if you're bringing your hired help with you next time 🤣, but no in all seriousness, I would absolutely love to, but if next time you could both make sure our place is left pretty much as you found it, we'd really appreciate that'

If she's a good friend, she'll be a bit mortified and realise it's stressed you out, but hopefully value your friendship and see where she's gone wrong and you can all try again next year, if that's what you'd like. If she snaps back with a not so pleasant reply or denies all knowledge, then I'd be rethinking the friendship.

Only if it's doable, right? Some paint doesn't come off. A broken toy usually can't be repaired, and can't always be replaced so easily.
Unless the OP has somewhat exaggerated and we are talking about a small paint smudge and a broken piece of lego.

Did she grow up like Paris Hilton? And does your house look like a castle? If she in her entire life never lifted a finger, or if your house looks like it has staff waiting in the wings to sort things out the minute she leaves, then that might be conceivable.
But if she had any kind of even vaguely upbringing herself, without staff on hand, she will know that wrecking other peoples toys and furniture is unacceptable. You don't just forget that because you become wealthy later in life. A lot of my friends are wealthy and have staff, including one who is the wife of a premiership footballer, with multiple staff - they would never behave like this - and if they did, they would know exactly what they are doing.

In all honesty, this shows that she doesn't respect you - she would not have done this to someone she respected.
And it is interesting you are pre-empting her excuse. Why not calmly have the conversation - say you think there must have been a misunderstanding, you were not expecting to come back to such a mess, that your child is upset because his toys have been broken (it's not even a money thing - there could be sentimental value to what has been ruined). And see what she says - does she blame her new lifestyle or not. But don't pre-empt it and give her the excuse to hide behind - see what she says for herself, you might be surprised.

Without being aggressive, I would be genuinely curious to see what she comes up with. But I would also not be so keen to maintain a 'friendship' where the other person has such blatant disregard for me.