Leaving our home in a mess

This thread is a perfect example of an OP lighting the touch paper then standing well clear and having a good laugh whilst posters give an imaginary spoilt brat family a kicking. Not that the husband seems to have received much if any flack. Instead, it was all saved for the idle friend and her spoilt brat children. People really do need to give themselves a shake.

so totally feasible for the couple in question to have this level of staff! 🤷‍♀️
it’s a very different life style

I’ve lived the life for more than 40 years as a local family and I’m telling you that your friends don’t have 3 full time staff members. And that expat homes where even 2 staff members are employed full time, let alone legally employed are very thin on the ground. For sure it’s not just the OP over egging the pudding.

Chauffer may be the term used in some of the adds but more people would use Driver.

This

If you really can't be honest, I would just tell her that you won't be doing house swaps again as you've been stung by people leaving your house damaged and dirty.

No repeats.

What I really want to know is why haven't you already called her out?

It doesn't have to be angsty, just really disappointed how they left your place when you left theirs spotless. Sorry this means we can't do a house swap again.

Just for those saying OP is exaggerating about staff for expats. I know two couples who live in that area of the world…
one in particular I know have « sponsored » people for visas-they have a full time housekeeper, a full time driver as well as a nanny.
the other couple I know are seen as odd in their gated community as they don’t have staff… all the other mums my friend knows have a housekeeper and a full time nanny (I don’t know about drivers)…
so totally feasible for the couple in question to have this level of staff! 🤷‍♀️
it’s a very different life style..
Leading between the lines your friend might have had a very stressful week having to deal with her family without staff!

BUT even if she did think a cleaner would be coming in to sort things… big IF!
if you break something it’ would be common decency to text a friend and say I’m so sorry this got broken-where’s it from and I’ll buy a replacement…
or I’m so sorry we got paint on your sofa can I pay to have it cleaned…with a grovelling apology and some flowers or wine left by way of apology.
the fact that she just left it without even consideration for you is awful and particularly for the kids. I would reply and say we had a fantastic time but it was upsetting to come back to house and mess.

I don't think I'd bother mentioning it if you want to keep a very positive relationship. I just wouldn't have them to stay again. You could address it if pushed for an explanation. I don't think it's worth doing it again which is a real shame as it sounds like you really enjoyed your stay in Spain. It's another level than untidiness if things are getting broken and stained, you're putting your home and belongings at risk to an extent, as they don't seem to respect them.

i think you are feeling cross and aggrieved, I probably would too . They sound selfish and disrespectful , having a cleaner / cook / nanny doesn’t need to turn you into a , selfish person
You can leave it and think about the swap next year and still feel pissed off
Ask your husband to clean up their mess
Say something

AuntMarch that made me spit my tea out 😂😂

This.

If you do a house swap again next year you’ll just be stressing out the whole time about what damage is being done to your house and belongings.

They are currently in Dubai?

So did neither of them clean/tidy/look after kids before then?

If not-why did it not even occur to them to have the place cleaned/tidied for you?

That's a friendship I'd happily drop tbh.

I think I’d say something jokey like -

that would be great, but maybe you should bring your maid with you this time! Sadly I’ve not got one to tidy up the mess!! 😝

A cleaner really wouldnt fix the issue for me. Cleaner can clean but what happens to the damaged furniture and toys. I wouldnt want to repeat this at all. Not sure what I would say though, I find situations like this tricky.

The OP is making out that the place was left a complete pigsty, but I'd love to see pictures of the "food everywhere".
A friend of mine asked me to swap with her as she had a family wedding on, and wanted three weeks. Great I thought, free accommodation. I cleaned house top to bottom for them coming, changed all bedding, stocked up on toilet roll and other necessities.
Got to her house, house was generally tidy but no toilet roll, mice were in cupboards, garden was a complete mess with bin bags, rubbish all over the ground etc. Not ideal, but free accommodation I thought. Their house was gas and electric meter, it was on emergency credit and they insisted that a dehumidifier had to be kept on in the basement all of the time, which was expensive.
At end of stay I washed and ironed all bedding, had cleaned kitchen cupboards from spilled grains etc which were attracting mice and threw away all rubbish in the garden.
Got back to my house to find every single towel I owned in the washing machine, my Joe Malone candles (for display only) had all been burned, garden was a mess and bed sheets not only were not washed, but were stained. Smoke alarm covers had all been taken off and furniture moved around. No money left for our gas or electric. I was a bit taken back, but not worth falling out over.
A few days later the husband sent a very nasty text to say our house had been completely filthy and they would never stay in our house again. I forwarded the text to his wife, who was completely mortified but didn't really object. The mug that I am kept apologising 🤔🤔🤔 but her DH and mine haven't spoken since. He needed free accommodation once for a few days and texted my DH to say he would consider staying with us. Unsurprisingly, my DH never responded.

I would be furious OP and would not have been able to keep my temper. You have two options if you want to keep the peace:

Hi,
We had a lovely time thanks but not sure we would do a swap again. The kids were upset that some of their toys were broken and I need another holiday after the clear up! If you do visit and stay somewhere else locally, let us know and we will arrange to meet up.

or

Hi,
We had a lovely time thanks and would love to do it again. It was hard work coming home to the clear up though. Would you be happy to sort out an end of holiday cleaner next time?

I'd say no, and tell her why.

We have done a number of houseswaps with total strangers, and a couple with friends, and always treated their houses with respect. Our house was always clean and tidy when we got back, too (apart from one couple, who left our house so-so, though not sticky and broken - and their own house was also so-so).

Does your friend have some sort of memory loss? Surely a few years in Dubai haven't erased her manners or memories of life before cleaners and house keepers?

If she valued you and your family she would have respected your home. There is zero excuse for damaged furniture and broken toys. That isn't forgetting to put the bin out before you go or to wipe the table, that is destruction that's happened well before they were leaving in a rush for the airport. They let their kids damage your home, didn't tell you, didn't apologise and didn't offer to fix it. Sensitive my arse. She just doesn't want calling out on being a CFer.

I would swiftly back away from the friendship and put my home on a house swap website and look forward to going somewhere else next year.

I would be very blunt and say exactly why you won't be swapping homes again.

She probably thought you would have a cleaner come in before you got home.

This was my thought too. But it doesn’t explain the broken toys. That’s awful - as there’s a real chance that a child is really upset. So she either didn’t care about that, or didn’t notice/know they’d been broken (and so isn’t supervising her kids well enough in your home). Either way it doesn’t lend itself to a repeat experience.

I think I would be honest with her. If she is that good a friend she will listen and respect what you are saying and your feelings - you can say in a diplomatic way. If she takes offence to it then frankly, she’s not much of a friend…

I have a friend in Dubai who previously toyed with the idea of staying out long-term and raising her young kids there, but is having second thoughts because she’s a bit worried about the effects of kids being raised in a sort of weird privileged “bubble” where domestic help is always bustling around doing all the objectionable stuff for you

The average expat would be hard pressed to have one staff member working for them at home legally let alone have enough to bustle around doing all the objectionable stuff for them

In reality most of them probably have someone come in a few hours a day to clean and perhaps babysit when needed with only the minority being able to or wanting to sponsor a full time staff member because of the costs and responsibilities involved. The majority would much rather prefer to employ someone illegally in order to keep costs down.

Any weird privileged bubble a child may live in would be one created by the parents and the child would live in that bubble regardless of where they were brought up because of the parents they have.

Here’s a wee rundown of what help most expat families have by way of help at home - a part time lady who will clean a couple of hours a day and maybe make a meal as well as perhaps babysit when needed.

A male employee referred to as the gardener who may work for a service company that has the contract to care for the gardens in villa compounds. Taking care of the garden means sweeping up a bit and watering the plants. He may also get something extra to come back later and wash the cars. That’s if he’s lucky as it’s one of the jobs undocumented workers do in order to survive.

A chauffer - that’s where the Op over-egged the pudding. In reality most expats use Uber when they don’t want to drive.

I do agree with how you want to approach it, Op. But I can’t help feeling that this poster is 100% correct. In a way, she lords it over you, arranging your friendship so that you are afraid to speak up and she is free to do whatever she wants.

That is so disrespectful of your friend and family. I wouldn't have them to stay in your home again. I had self catering accomodation for years and some people seemed to think it was serviced accommodation. I had notices saying it had to be left in a clean condition but most had a late night out on last night and left early in the morning and no cleaning of the place.

Why do people go out of their way to minimise things?

My friends are close enough that I could tell them they’ve taken the piss, especially if we were staying in each other’s houses. As in “mate, seriously, what the hell? Broken toys, stickers everywhere, and PAINT on my sofa? I can’t believe you thought it was ok to leave it like that!”

OP, if your friend isn’t close enough for you to call her or message her and juet be honest then she isn’t close enough to stay in your house for a week!