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Original poster

Leaving our home in a mess

266 replies

Holdinguptherock · 05/09/2023 21:27

I have a good friend who I have known
since childhood.
She is british married to a Spanish man. They currently live in Dubai due to her husband’s job, but keep their flat in Spain. They have two sons aged 9 and 7.

They wanted to spend week in London this summer visiting friends & family and showing the children the sights. So, we agreed to exchange our house in London for their flat in Spain.
We had a lovely time there, especially as their flat is close to the sea.

When we left we swept and tidied the flat, stripped the beds and emptied the bins.
Our house on the other had was left in a complete mess, food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys (which were on the floor).
I was quite shocked as my friend didn’t apologise (or even attempt to make any excuse about leaving in a hurry and not having time to clean up).

I realise that they have a lot of help in Dubai, (they have a nanny, a housekeeper/cook and chauffeur),
and may not be used to cleaning up after themselves or managing their kids, but I would have thought they would make an effort in someone else’s home.

She has asked to do it again next year and I am now unsure about what to do.
I feel I should say something. My OH says we should just leave it and remember the lovely holiday.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Catkin51 · 07/09/2023 20:18

This is what I’d say. You don’t want to fall out completely if you hope to holiday in Spain again. I would say to her that she is probably not used to all the housework that living in the U.K. involves as she is obviously used to having a lot of domestic help.Explain that you will need her to leave your house in a much cleaner state next time.

Mummyexpat · 07/09/2023 20:13

Not in summer! 🥵🥵🥵🥵

JubileeQueen123 · 07/09/2023 20:06

She probably assumes you have staff.

”We really enjoyed our holiday in Spain. Happy to exchange again. Will you be bringing any staff? If not we can arrange a cleaner for the end of your stay and babysitters if required. Payment would be direct to staff’

Mummaoffour1234 · 07/09/2023 20:03

Firstly, there’s no way I would let these people trash my home again. And second I couldn’t take the stress of worrying about it in the build up to the holiday and whilst away. I work hard to keep a nice home. Travelling all day with kids and coming home to a broken dirty messy house - no thanks!

You don’t need to fall out about it. Just say whilst you had a lovely holiday in Spain the whole house swap thing didn’t really work for you as a family. If they ask why you can be honest and say that arriving home to find mess, broken toys and other damage was upsetting.

Having said that is someone who treats you like this really who you want in your life?

Poppingmad123 · 07/09/2023 19:33

Yes, we’d love to, but only on the understanding you leave my house as you find it? I was shocked to find XYZ upon my return.

And see what she says.

If she has any decency, she’ll apologise and say she will definitely sort out the cleaning next time.

Oblomov23 · 07/09/2023 19:07

Why haven't you said something, at least. You say she's sensitive, but really, you can't say anything at all? Shame on you. Don't be a martyr.

Elliecat7 · 07/09/2023 19:00

Say “we were shocked that you left our home in a state of destruction. I’m even more shocked that you didn’t acknowledge it. And now I’m shocked once more that you’ve asked for a repeat. Never again!”

HorsesAreRunningOn3LegsTonight · 07/09/2023 18:57

Whataretheodds · 05/09/2023 21:38

"We had a lovely time in Spain and I'm glad you enjoyed your stay. This is a little awkward, but coming home really took the shine off the trip for me. When we got home we found food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys. I was disappointed and hurt. I couldn't sign up for another exchange if I thought there was a chance of that happening again."

Agree !

Handlecarefully · 07/09/2023 18:54

Are you going to take the money? You really should. She knew bloody well about the breakages and damage, she's not blind. It would also give her pause to think twice if you do let them stay again.
Having said that, I'd be putting nice toys and any valuable items that could get broken away in the loft or a locked room!

Glasgowgal200 · 07/09/2023 18:37

Some friend!!!! Id send them bill for cleaning up their mess and replacement furniture etc !!!!

ididntwanttodoit · 07/09/2023 18:00

Depends how much you want to a0 keep her friendship b0 go back to her house in Spain. If you want both of these things, you're just going to have to factor in the tidy-up job - and maybe don't bend over backwards to clean up her house before you leave.

Buffs · 07/09/2023 17:59

Factor in the cost of the cleaner and decide whether this works for you.

Gettingolderandgrumpier60 · 07/09/2023 17:57

Whataretheodds · 05/09/2023 21:38

"We had a lovely time in Spain and I'm glad you enjoyed your stay. This is a little awkward, but coming home really took the shine off the trip for me. When we got home we found food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys. I was disappointed and hurt. I couldn't sign up for another exchange if I thought there was a chance of that happening again."

This is perfect reply.
Surely your friend must realise that getting paint on someone’s sofa and breaking other person’s possessions is not acceptable and an apology is the least they should be offering.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 07/09/2023 17:45

Just tell them that you are welcome to come again but the house was left in a state so we would have to agree how you want to organize the cleaning and tidying of the house at the end - do you want me to get someone in to professionally clean it and have you pay them directly? Or would you all prefer to do the clean up yourself?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/09/2023 14:50

Some friend!
How disrespectful and lazy of her
So what if she doesn't take criticism well
Just tell her.
She doesn't care about your feelings
Tell her " no, it won't be happening again as the clean up I had to do on my return really took the shine off our holiday"

LinaLouLa · 07/09/2023 14:30

feralunderclass · 06/09/2023 21:04

The OP is making out that the place was left a complete pigsty, but I'd love to see pictures of the "food everywhere".
A friend of mine asked me to swap with her as she had a family wedding on, and wanted three weeks. Great I thought, free accommodation. I cleaned house top to bottom for them coming, changed all bedding, stocked up on toilet roll and other necessities.
Got to her house, house was generally tidy but no toilet roll, mice were in cupboards, garden was a complete mess with bin bags, rubbish all over the ground etc. Not ideal, but free accommodation I thought. Their house was gas and electric meter, it was on emergency credit and they insisted that a dehumidifier had to be kept on in the basement all of the time, which was expensive.
At end of stay I washed and ironed all bedding, had cleaned kitchen cupboards from spilled grains etc which were attracting mice and threw away all rubbish in the garden.
Got back to my house to find every single towel I owned in the washing machine, my Joe Malone candles (for display only) had all been burned, garden was a mess and bed sheets not only were not washed, but were stained. Smoke alarm covers had all been taken off and furniture moved around. No money left for our gas or electric. I was a bit taken back, but not worth falling out over.
A few days later the husband sent a very nasty text to say our house had been completely filthy and they would never stay in our house again. I forwarded the text to his wife, who was completely mortified but didn't really object. The mug that I am kept apologising 🤔🤔🤔 but her DH and mine haven't spoken since. He needed free accommodation once for a few days and texted my DH to say he would consider staying with us. Unsurprisingly, my DH never responded.

This is just outrageous. Unbelievable that someone would treat your house like that, and then criticise it so unfairly, when they'd left theirs in filth for you with no gas/electric. I'd take great delight telling them where to stick it the next time!

LinaLouLa · 07/09/2023 14:28

Why are you even considering doing this again? They showed a lack of care/respect in your property and didn't even worry about leaving it in a mess. I wouldn't be entertaining this again, especially as she still didn't really take responsibility when you raised it with her.

user1477391263 · 07/09/2023 13:20

It still sounds like she was awfully careless. I stayed at a friend’s empty house recently, and we were all really careful about checking the whole house right over before we locked the door. It’s just courtesy, not least because the owner and their family will probably be exhausted after their own travel home when they open that front door; it’s horrible to be confronted with dirt and mess at such a time. A considerate friend thinks about this and checks the place carefully before locking up.

Whatthehell1977 · 07/09/2023 12:28

I don't think that it comes down to whether it will forfeit any chances of free holiday accommodation for yourselves in the future.
She is supposed to be your friend. What kind of friend does that to their friend's house? It's disrespectful and rude, not to mention setting a bad example to their children. She is obviously used to the luxury of her lifestyle in Dubai, but she's an adult and you should talk to her about it. If you're such good friends as you say you are, then you should be able to talk to her about it. If she's a true friend then she shouldn't fall out with you about it. Just because she doesn't like criticism, doesn't mean she should be sheltered from you saying anything. If you don't say anything this will probably eat away at you. Just say you were quite shocked at how your house was left when you got back and ask her why that was so. See what she has to say for herself first and go from there. If she tries to dismiss it then that tells you a lot about how she sees the friendship.

Cowlover89 · 07/09/2023 12:19

I wouldn't allow it. They obviously don't respect you

MzHz · 07/09/2023 12:17

Not a chance that she’ll be better at supervising @Holdinguptherock

she doesn’t care!

Newestname002 · 07/09/2023 11:47

Good that you've discussed this with your friend, @Holdinguptherock. I think in your place this would have continued to rankle with me that my friend disrespected my home - hopefully if you do exchange again more care will be shown by them.

Incidentally, for my own curiosity,
Does your home insurance require you to declare if other people are staying in your home in your absence? 🌹

MeridianB · 07/09/2023 11:47

She was defensive? I would be looking for apologetic. Did she say sorry at all?

She sounds like a totally self-absorbed CF.

Original poster
Holdinguptherock · 07/09/2023 11:10

Thanks for all the responses. They were useful as they helped me clarify what was the main issue here. It wasn’t the dirt /food etc. It was the damage done to the furniture and toys.
This was my first post on mumsnet and I am not 100% sure of the protocol of responding but here is the update.
I did have a chat to my friend (kept it light hearted), but explained about the damage that was done to the furniture (with the stickers and paint) and the broken toys (a Barbie car and part of a wooden magic set). She was initially defensive, but admitted that she hadn’t noticed anything was amiss and the children hadn’t told her. She also told me that the day before the left her parents had been babysitting while her and her husband went out and she wondered if the damage had occurred then. She offered to replace the broken items.
interestingly, I was talking to my sister about this. She is good friends with my close friend’s younger sister. She had previously told her that the boys had caused a lot of chaos when they stayed at her place in Nottingham last year. Apparently, she suspects one of them might have ADHD.

Some people questioned whether the family had so much help in Dubai. They do! They have a nanny, the housekeeper lives out and is part time. The driver I think is provided by the husband’s work and does not live in. My friend works as well (own business), so does need help with the kids as no family close by.

Ultimately, thanks for the advice and I think (hope) IF we decide to exchange again she will supervise her kids better next time.

OP posts:
user1477391263 · 07/09/2023 06:02

PollyThePixie · 06/09/2023 19:37

I have a friend in Dubai who previously toyed with the idea of staying out long-term and raising her young kids there, but is having second thoughts because she’s a bit worried about the effects of kids being raised in a sort of weird privileged “bubble” where domestic help is always bustling around doing all the objectionable stuff for you

The average expat would be hard pressed to have one staff member working for them at home legally let alone have enough to bustle around doing all the objectionable stuff for them

In reality most of them probably have someone come in a few hours a day to clean and perhaps babysit when needed with only the minority being able to or wanting to sponsor a full time staff member because of the costs and responsibilities involved. The majority would much rather prefer to employ someone illegally in order to keep costs down.

Any weird privileged bubble a child may live in would be one created by the parents and the child would live in that bubble regardless of where they were brought up because of the parents they have.

Here’s a wee rundown of what help most expat families have by way of help at home - a part time lady who will clean a couple of hours a day and maybe make a meal as well as perhaps babysit when needed.

A male employee referred to as the gardener who may work for a service company that has the contract to care for the gardens in villa compounds. Taking care of the garden means sweeping up a bit and watering the plants. He may also get something extra to come back later and wash the cars. That’s if he’s lucky as it’s one of the jobs undocumented workers do in order to survive.

A chauffer - that’s where the Op over-egged the pudding. In reality most expats use Uber when they don’t want to drive.

I don't know about the average person in Dubai, but my friend absolutely does have a live-in domestic staff member, unless she's a liar - she told me this and I did specifically ask if her maid was live-in or not. In the case of my friend, it was not the case that her family would have had the same lifestyle elsewhere; she lived in Japan and in the UK previously and did not have domestic workers in either country. I am merely reporting what she has told me.

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