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AIBU?

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Original poster

Leaving our home in a mess

266 replies

Holdinguptherock · 05/09/2023 21:27

I have a good friend who I have known
since childhood.
She is british married to a Spanish man. They currently live in Dubai due to her husband’s job, but keep their flat in Spain. They have two sons aged 9 and 7.

They wanted to spend week in London this summer visiting friends & family and showing the children the sights. So, we agreed to exchange our house in London for their flat in Spain.
We had a lovely time there, especially as their flat is close to the sea.

When we left we swept and tidied the flat, stripped the beds and emptied the bins.
Our house on the other had was left in a complete mess, food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys (which were on the floor).
I was quite shocked as my friend didn’t apologise (or even attempt to make any excuse about leaving in a hurry and not having time to clean up).

I realise that they have a lot of help in Dubai, (they have a nanny, a housekeeper/cook and chauffeur),
and may not be used to cleaning up after themselves or managing their kids, but I would have thought they would make an effort in someone else’s home.

She has asked to do it again next year and I am now unsure about what to do.
I feel I should say something. My OH says we should just leave it and remember the lovely holiday.
What would you do?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
tattygrl · 08/04/2024 14:35

Holdinguptherock · 06/04/2024 07:09

New thread

Where? I can't find one

Original poster
Holdinguptherock · 06/04/2024 07:09

New thread

OP posts:
Original poster
Holdinguptherock · 06/04/2024 07:05

New thread

OP posts:
Damnloginpopup · 15/02/2024 08:21

Swap, have a nice cheap holiday away and just ask her to strip the beds, run the hoover round, clean up before they go and leave it as found. Quite clearly managing expectations, no confrontation and no offence.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 15/02/2024 08:16

HRTadvicepls · 14/02/2024 11:51

If you do decide to add your wisdom to a thread 5 months later, at least bother to read the op's posts.

Edited - quote didn't work. That was for @Daffodilsandtuplips

Edited

Oops

HRTadvicepls · 14/02/2024 11:51

If you do decide to add your wisdom to a thread 5 months later, at least bother to read the op's posts.

Edited - quote didn't work. That was for @Daffodilsandtuplips

Daffodilsandtuplips · 14/02/2024 08:32

Holdinguptherock · 05/09/2023 21:47

I don’t think she would take it very well. She is quite sensitive to any form of criticism in the past. Saying this she has been a supportive friend for many years and it would be a shame to fall out over this.
I think I will have to find a way of indirectly mentioning it. Maybe I could suggest THEY pay for a cleaner after they leave.
I could also cover all the chairs in plastic and hide all the toys.😀

The sensitivity at criticism is so you won’t do it again. Or you’ll think twice about doing so. And this is exactly what you’re doing right now.
They left your home in a mess, broke your children’s toys and damaged some of your furniture.
Your home isn’t a hotel that that they can just pack up and leave for the staff to clean up. This is your home and you aren’t staff.
I would have to say something to her. She and her family need their eyes opening.
You’ve had a few good suggestions here on how to handle this.

HurkleDurkling · 08/09/2023 22:27

I’m wondering if she employed a cleaner and they didn’t come to clean.

Really think you should mention this disaster.

littlecats · 08/09/2023 18:18

GodDammitCecil · 05/09/2023 21:36

I would just say something simple, truthful and to the point, like - ‘thanks, we had such a lovely time at your place! We’d love to do it again, but the clean-up job we can back to at our place was too much, so we think the house swap will just be a one-off. I hope your journey home was good!’

Or something along those lines.

This is exactly the right way to handle it. If she gets offended then unfortunately that’s on her. She’s already offended you and you’re trying to be as nice as possible about it. However, if she apologises and insists she will make an effort next time then it’s up to you whether you want to trust that she’ll deliver.

frambly · 08/09/2023 15:16

I think I'd have whatsapped them on a video call to ask if they have any photos of your home, as they left it, before the burglars broke in.

Erdinger · 08/09/2023 14:42

Best response

Yogirl1 · 08/09/2023 13:49

This! If you say nothing they will assume you are fine with the way they left it. They probably don’t even realise you cleaned up in Spain as they probably had a cleaner hon in (who could not believe their luck). Or say nothing and just refuse to swap. Up to you!

April506 · 08/09/2023 12:34

I’d have taken photos of the mess and asked “ looks like there’s been a break in , Is it worth calling the police ?”

Missingpop · 08/09/2023 10:22

I would raise it with her; this is your home she can’t expect to leave your home in a mess & except to use it again next year having staff looking after their every need has nothing to do with it, she’s still more than capable of loading a dishwasher & picking things up from the floor; her children should also have more respect for your children’s toys too leaving them broken is unkind & disrespectful to them. Personally I’d say no her lack of respect for your property would be a deal breaker for me.

HoldTightandPretenditsaPlan · 08/09/2023 10:13

Do you think she maybe expected there was a cleaner coming before you were due to return? Perhaps that's what she had arranged for herself. I can't imagine she would have expected that you would have seen it like that. I bet she'd be mortified

Pertinentowl · 07/09/2023 22:06

No this is ridiculous, I am from the Middle East and I spend all my time in the Uk cleaning because I have an absolute horror of imposing in any way, although it’s slightly better with an Airbnb because I can get a cleaner and they can do a proper professional job and family tell me not to be silly and there’s no need for all that. But I’ve taken up their space! And it’s different when they come to me, I don’t care what they say, it’s a totally different lifestyle. There’s room for not asking guests to do anything for themselves because the countries run totally differently! You can’t do that to a UK friend. And she’s British anyway? She’s gone mad. She’s one of those who live at the pool and think they are reality stars.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 07/09/2023 21:19

I’d say nothing, go next year and return the compliment.

Mirabai · 07/09/2023 21:13

Holdinguptherock · 07/09/2023 11:10

Thanks for all the responses. They were useful as they helped me clarify what was the main issue here. It wasn’t the dirt /food etc. It was the damage done to the furniture and toys.
This was my first post on mumsnet and I am not 100% sure of the protocol of responding but here is the update.
I did have a chat to my friend (kept it light hearted), but explained about the damage that was done to the furniture (with the stickers and paint) and the broken toys (a Barbie car and part of a wooden magic set). She was initially defensive, but admitted that she hadn’t noticed anything was amiss and the children hadn’t told her. She also told me that the day before the left her parents had been babysitting while her and her husband went out and she wondered if the damage had occurred then. She offered to replace the broken items.
interestingly, I was talking to my sister about this. She is good friends with my close friend’s younger sister. She had previously told her that the boys had caused a lot of chaos when they stayed at her place in Nottingham last year. Apparently, she suspects one of them might have ADHD.

Some people questioned whether the family had so much help in Dubai. They do! They have a nanny, the housekeeper lives out and is part time. The driver I think is provided by the husband’s work and does not live in. My friend works as well (own business), so does need help with the kids as no family close by.

Ultimately, thanks for the advice and I think (hope) IF we decide to exchange again she will supervise her kids better next time.

Well yes or it might be worse.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 07/09/2023 21:08

GodDammitCecil · 07/09/2023 21:05

Loving the people coming on to share their extensive experience of living the expat lifestyle in places like Dubai - as if it’s of any way the point of the thread. Grin

The house was left looking like a pig-sty by a so-called friend, and the OP doesn’t feel able to call her out on it.

Hopefully the OP has enough suggestions on this thread to negotiate a way forward.

Loving people coming on too the thread to have a go at the OP for not talking to her friend about it….and can’t even be bothered to RTFT.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 07/09/2023 21:07

Greenpolkadot · 07/09/2023 21:04

You won't say anything to her because she's a sensitive little soul....?
Unbelievable ....you reap what you sew OP .

RTFT

GodDammitCecil · 07/09/2023 21:05

Loving the people coming on to share their extensive experience of living the expat lifestyle in places like Dubai - as if it’s of any way the point of the thread. Grin

The house was left looking like a pig-sty by a so-called friend, and the OP doesn’t feel able to call her out on it.

Hopefully the OP has enough suggestions on this thread to negotiate a way forward.

Greenpolkadot · 07/09/2023 21:04

You won't say anything to her because she's a sensitive little soul....?
Unbelievable ....you reap what you sew OP .

Jzp · 07/09/2023 21:00

This. Absolutely 🤣

DuesToTheDirt · 07/09/2023 20:58

So many people are discussing the staff, and the cleaning. If I was used to having staff (fat chance) I might not think to dust or vacuum, but I sure as hell wouldn't leave broken things, or paint on chairs, or food on the floor, or stickers on furniture.

Readbtwnlines · 07/09/2023 20:52

They are so out of touch that they assumed you would have a cleaner coming in directly after the visit, and that you’d never see it. She’d likely be mortified if she realized what happened.

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