This has happened in the last week. Before then I was genuinely ok, reasonably happy, had it all together, enjoyed time with DS and mentally felt ok. Since his birth I’d probably had around 5 tricky days and that’s it. I knew I was fortunate and knew it might not last but it really was quite easy and I am not sure what’s changed. I am now seeing that these first few months I was incredibly lucky to have found it so easy. I am not a lone parent but it feels like I am. Ds was the product of a v v short relationship of a year and was unplanned. Ex DP agreed he wanted ds but has done very little in the way of help practically. If I am being honest I went ahead with it as I wanted a baby and in my hormonal state it felt ‘meant to be’ as I have never missed a pill in my life. I was 35 when I had him and also felt like I would have struggled to get over terminating at that age.
This morning I just want to run away. Got up at 6am, as I have done for the last 10 months.
Fed ds, he was sick everywhere, all over the high chair. Lots of crying.
Took him for a bath. That was ok. Then he gets out and screaming continues.
Put him down to play while I do his milk, after a couple of minutes crying starts. Feed him the milk. Put him down to make a tea and he’s got a dirty nappy. Change his nappy. Put him back down to try and get some water and crying continues. All before 7:30am.
He is more settled now and I’ve had a drink but I don’t get any peace unless I leave him to whinge to himself a bit which is probably really awful?! I KNOW this is usual baby stuff. I just keep dreaming of another life. I love ds obviously and I can’t really imagine life without him now, if he wasn’t here I would always want life with him in it and would still be wanting a child as I had done for the last ten years. But I have gone from feeling pretty serene to just hating life. I hate that I have no help (parents v old), I hate that I will probably never have a lie in again for years. I hate that this has aged me so much. I hate not being able to eat properly or clean the house properly. I hate being on demand 24/7. I hate the whinging. I hate the crying. I hate the constant needs non stop. I hate the restrictive days and how I can’t nip out anywhere. I hate the lack of exercise. I hate that even though you CAN make life easier it costs lots of money - ready made food pouches, constant days out etc for entertainment. I don’t understand how I’ve gone from managing to this?? I hate everything.