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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner relieving themselves

158 replies

SackOfShitandRegrets · 04/09/2023 06:15

Been thinking of posting this for ages but unsure, finally biting the bullet.

AIBU to ask my DP not to relieve himself (masturbate) when I am on my monthly cycle and to come to me/ask me if he needs a "release" during this time?

OP posts:
Dolores87 · 04/09/2023 08:00

Completely unreasonable.

Although it is reasonable if you don't want him to get himself off to porn and he should respect that if your relationship is monogamous and masturbate with out it.

readbooksdrinktea · 04/09/2023 07:59

Yes, hugely!

loislovesstewie · 04/09/2023 07:59

You have problems with feeling a failure, he's allowed to masturbate as it's his body. You are allowed to masturbate as you have autonomy over your body. You know, you could look at this as him being thoughtful. He recognises that you might have period pains ,feel grouchy and don't want to deal with his sexual feelings at that time. So he masturbates, rather than be a pest.
As long as he's not doing it in front of you, I don't see it as an issue.

Watchkeys · 04/09/2023 07:55

What can I do or say? Ask him to jerk pff but not to porn

You can't decide/choose what he does. You can decide/choose what you do.

It really is that simple. You're not taking responsibility for your own feelings.

ProfessorInkling · 04/09/2023 07:53

Is there a way you can deal with your feelings of failure that don't involve controlling his behaviour?

Is this something you've ever had or considered speaking to eg a counsellor about?

Relying on someone else to act in a certain way - or not - to protect your feelings isn't a healthy way to mind your emotions.

Butterflywings2 · 04/09/2023 07:49

I honestly wouldn't care, as long as he wasn't doing it next to me which would be weird. It's a normal urge and I don't think it should be taboo.

hylian · 04/09/2023 07:48

SackOfShitandRegrets · 04/09/2023 07:12

He knows it makes me feel a failure if he needs to do it himself (plus I know he would watch porn to do it)

Don't wish to have sex during cycle as I get really heavy flows

Sorry didnt want to be crude so said release instead of wanting or jerking off

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I think the issue is that him masturbating makes you feel like a failure. Most people masturbate, it's completely normal. Why does it affect you that way?

The issue around porn is something that everyone has different feelings on, some are OK with it and some aren't, but if that's your worry then you need to speak to him about that, not try to ban him from masturbating.

Custardslices · 04/09/2023 07:47

What's your DH said back to your suggestion OP?

Let him do what he likes

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 04/09/2023 07:47

Extremely worrying that you feel a failure if he has a wank. You are not a sex object, let him crack on but I would make your boundaries about porn clear to him.

CurlewKate · 04/09/2023 07:43

Ah. Well, watching porn would be a deal breaker for me. Don't want to be with a man who thinks it's OK to buy consent.

Masturbating is fine.

Catsmere · 04/09/2023 07:40

Why didn't you mention porn in the first place, OP? That's the issue, not him masturbating. Plus porn use escalates - men end up watching worse and worse stuff.

Mind you he'll end up with a permanent limp dick if he does the death-grip wanking, so that might take care of that issue ...

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/09/2023 07:38

You need to decide if porn is a deal breaker. It is to a lot of women.

Lisheens · 04/09/2023 07:37

Lisheens · 04/09/2023 07:36

This.

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Sorry, that should have said the porn was the issue, not wanking. He has autonomy over what he does to his own body.

Original poster
SackOfShitandRegrets · 04/09/2023 07:37

Thanks for all the replies

My last partner cheated on me throughout our relationship

Going forward i will use better phrasing (eg period and jerk off) I try to be too polite

What can I do or say? Ask him to jerk pff but not to porn?

He will use porn to jerk off to even if he says he won't (I believe) so that's why I asked him to ask me

OP posts:
Lisheens · 04/09/2023 07:36

cushioncovers · 04/09/2023 07:34

This

Show quote history

This.

cruffinsmuffin · 04/09/2023 07:34

YABU - the fact it makes you feel a certain way is your issue, not his. Further controlling him to make sure you don't feel like a failure is a bit barmy tbh, you need to deal with your issues not put restrictions on him doing what is a totally normal activity.

cushioncovers · 04/09/2023 07:34

jeaux90 · 04/09/2023 07:28

Him watching porn is the issue.
Him having a wank isn't.

This

PosterBoy · 04/09/2023 07:32

If I were him I would happily agree, get 7 days of blowjobs banked, and wank off in the shower anyway.

So I wouldn't worry too much about it, op.

AltheaVestr1t · 04/09/2023 07:30

You can't tell a person what they can and can't do with their own body, not ever. You need to deal with your own issues OP.

jeaux90 · 04/09/2023 07:28

Him watching porn is the issue.
Him having a wank isn't.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/09/2023 07:26

YABU. Except for maybe the porn.

bakewellbride · 04/09/2023 07:26

Does this remind anyone of the thread when op refused to say 'sex' and insisted on it being 'bedroom time'? 😁

Blackscrackleanddrag · 04/09/2023 07:26

I agree with you about porn. I don’t agree with you about masturbation. If you feel like a failure because he masturbates, that’s your issue, not his.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/09/2023 07:25

The real issue is with the porn use, right?

inthvalley · 04/09/2023 07:25

sadaboutmycat · 04/09/2023 07:19

I know a couple who don't "allow" each other to masturbate as it's cheating. Batshit.

(One of them told me - TMI!)

😳 this is insane.