Partner relieving themselves

I think you'll find that it is. It is simply not possible to abuse someone without having some position of power in relation to them.
People are mistakenly extrapolating that any attitude that is sometimes demonstrated by abusers (a dislike of their partner engaging in certain sexual behaviour for example) means that any person who feels this way is an abuser.
There is nothing remotely abusive about a woman offering her partner a hand job as an alternative to him masturbating.
If she had the power and inclination to humiliate him for it, was weaponising sex with herself as punishment, withholding shared resources from him in retaliation etc, then those would be abusive behaviours. She has voiced no more intent than telling him how she feels and offering an alternative. Which there is no reason to believe he is powerless to decline.

You cannot ask an adult man to ask permission from you to have a wank, no. Nor watch porn, it’s not illegal.

However, if those things are hard lines for you, you can choose to end the relationship. That’s fine.

Also ‘release’ has made me feel a bit sick.

No one should ever tell their partner what to do with their body.
If they do it is abuse.

Of course they ‘can just leave’ if they don’t like it but there are hundreds of women on here which will tell you how ‘just leaving’ an abusive relationship is not as easy as you make out.

On a forum which is predominantly women, many of which are at risk of abuse, it’s very irresponsible to claim that telling someone what to do with their body and they’re not allowed to masturbate is ok.

YABU.

Imagine this was the other way round, and it was a husband trying to control a wife? We'd be up in arms. Bodily autonomy goes both ways.

Abuse can be based in power but isn't exclusively so.

I don't think OP is abusing her partner but it's important to not make inaccurate statements about the nature of abuse.

If it's 1, then OP needs to deal with it, or she could end up very lonely given that most people masturbate.

Completely agree. The previous responses to the poster are depressing.

It strikes me as narrow-minded to be unable to imagine that there are couples where neither party masturbates and they just do sexual activities together. If that's what the OP wants she has a right to express that. If OP would not masturbate herself then it's not unreasonable or hypocritical, even if it's unusual. Her partner can always leave if he's not happy with it.

Equally, there are many reasons to be unhappy with your partner watching porn. Sex trafficking, human rights issues affecting predominantly women and children, the negative effects on the porn user's brain and sexual function. I also don't understand why the fact that it will make a partner feel insecure and unappreciated is dismissed? Whilst we're talking about "natural urges", that is a totally natural emotional response for the OP to feel.

In a healthy relationship it's right to have firm boundaries and then also be able to negotiate other things with your partner. OP decide on what you want from a sexual life with a partner, what will truly make you happy and confident, not what you think your partner will accept. Approach him with that in a respectful way. If he loves and respects you then the two of you might be able to negotiate an arrangement you're both happy with. If not then you may have to separate. At least you will have a clearer understanding of what a good (for you) sex life looks like. Knowing what you want and being able to act accordingly massively raises your self-esteem.

you need to break this down to work out what the cause of your issue is.

1. Is it that you dont like him masturbating?

2. Is it that you want him to feel he can ask you to wank him off while you're unable to have sex

3)Is it your feelings of being a failure (and why do you feel like that?)

4)Is it that you don't like porn?

IF 4 is the issue, you need to have a discussion, you are allowed to set yourself a boundary of 'i wont date someone who watches porn' and tell him that is how you feel, and allow HIM to make the decision of giving up porn or not.

If its 1, see previous answer, replace Porn with masturbate.

If its 2, have a conversation and let him know just because you don't want sex, you still want to be sexual with him, and for him to give you the chance to have sexy fun times even if its one sided and just for his pleasure (unless seeing him enjoy himself does things for you of course, in which case, its fun for both of you)

If its 3, you need to address that yourself.

Ultimately, you can't tell him what he can/cannot do with his own body, you can tell him what your boundaries are, and he can meet you by agreeing to change his behaviour, or choose not to... in which case one of you has to have the guts to break it off.

@Chippy4me I don't think someone who lacks the wit to be able to differentiate between an abusive partner attempting to control someone sexually, and an insecure woman offering herself in lieu of sexual behaviour that heightens her insecurity, is in any position to pontificate about how healthy my attitude to relationships is.
Neither behaviour is healthy but only one is abusive. Do you understand the meaning of the term abuse at all? Or is it just a term you've heard a lot and see as a useful way to insult a woman?

Oh come on, don't be naive.

@AppleTurnover1000Degrees "there are women doing it who would rather earn their money doing it rather than doing 40 hours a week on Tesco check out."

Hmm. Not many, I suspect.

If you know he'll use porn even if you ask him not to, then you need to decide what you do with that information.

If him using porn is a red line for you and you know he'll disregard that, then what does that mean for your relationship?

The thing with porn is you don't know why these women are doing it. Yes, there are a lot women who are forced into it but there are women doing it who would rather earn their money doing it rather than doing 40 hours a week on Tesco check out. So I agree you if you watch porn you don't know which women you are watching.

I refuse to believe that anybody does my understand the issues around porn. The wide eyed disingenuousness is so annoying.

Are you saying you don't want him to wank ever, because him wanking makes you feel like a failure?

If that's what you are saying, then I think you should think carefully about why him wanking would make you feel like that. Most people wank as well as having a sexual relationship with their spouses. They're two separate things entirely, and one isn't a reflection of the other.

Not unreasonable to expect him to do it in private unless he wants to involve you! I would find it odd if he was wanking in bed next to me while I had my period (or if I didn't!) but didn't want my involvement, but I wouldn't find it odd that he would wank somewhere other than near me, at any time at all.

You really don’t understand the issues with increasingly objectifying, violent and degrading images of women normalising choking, anal etc, and the strong possibility that the women in the videos are coerced and/or trafficked?

No, you can’t do anything. It’s none of your business - you don’t get to control him.

If he wants to use porn then he’s free to do so. It’s then up to you to decide if that’s a dealbreaker or not. If it is, leave. If it isn’t, find a way to deal with it without trying to control him.

What's the massive issue with porn? I never understand this.

Most of the women involved are coerced or even trafficked into it. It popularised non-consensual, abusive and dangerous practices such as choking.

This thread is a depressing pile on.

Do you and your DH have sex often OP?

Would I be ok with a partner policing what I watch and what I do with my body?

Of course not.

Also disappointed this wasn't about a husband peeing in the garden or something.

What's the massive issue with porn? I never understand this. Also he can pull his plonker anytime he wants, leave the poor man in peace 🙄

You obviously have a very unhealthy idea of what a normal relationship looks like.

Masturbation is perfectly natural and it’s never ok to dictate when or how much your partner does it.

If your DH has an issue with you masturbating and tells you you are only to go to him for relief and not allowed pleasure yourself because it makes him feel insecure, then get out fast because you are in an abusive relationship.

Grimmer than grim OP. ‘Release’ 🤮

I don't agree with any of this.

OP has to realise that her partner is allowed to masturbate.

A lot of women on here would be screaming LTB if the partner wanted OP to 'service' him while on her period when she doesn't want to have sex. He'd be selfish, abusive and all sorts.

Let the man have a wank. He's not doing it in front of you!