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Original poster

Unreasonable to want a baby at 43?

260 replies

Babyat43 · 03/09/2023 20:35

I was recently at my Dr surgery for a routine blood test and got talking to the nurse. I said that I wish I had a child, and she said, it's not too late. She said it's possible I could get help with IVF etc.

Am I being unreasonable wanting a child at this age? My best friend thinks I should go for it. When I spoke to my mum, she said I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. I don't think she ever wanted me to have children. On the other hand, she begged my sister, the golden child, for grandchildren.

Can anyone advise me if they managed to get pregnant naturally at this age. I understand there might be more health concerns too.

OP posts:
Remembervoguingatschool · 03/09/2023 23:27

@Namechangeniamh In my mums group (there are many mums) the youngest is maybe 28 and no others around that age. The oldest was around 47 with a new baby, she had an older boy too. The majority of mums are mid 30’s to 43 ish for new babies (not sure of all of them, but from the ones I know closely, I’m they conceived naturally )

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 03/09/2023 23:27

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No I didn't have a baby at that age. I never said I did, but you carry on making stuff up to suit your agenda. I was defending those who did have a baby at 19-21, after the vile post by the poster who said anyone who was a nan at 40 had ruined their life and fucked up the best years of her life - by being a mum early. I see a lot of bitterness on here from a few posters - but I sure ain't one of them.

Funny how no-one (hardly) has called out the poster who was so vile to the poster who said she is a nan at 40. Speaks volumes about the double standards on here (from some.)

Canthave2manycats · 03/09/2023 23:25

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 03/09/2023 22:59

@GonnaGetGoingReturns

I won’t lie and sometimes say i do wonder if a much older person with a young child is their grandparent rather than parent but that’s just me really.

Yep. If most people are honest, they will say the same. They really will @BeaBachinasec

Nonsense! Women in 2023 dress and act much younger than our forbears did!

I have never, ever been mistaken for my 20 year old's grandmother!!!

Namechangeniamh · 03/09/2023 23:23

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 03/09/2023 22:46

Mumsnet really does have a ludicrously disproportionate amount of women who have their first baby in their mid 40s or older! In real life, I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of women I have EVER known who had their FIRST baby past 44 years old. And I know women across all classes, races, and religions, in all kinds of different jobs - from 'unskilled' jobs, to lower and middle management, right up to top professional jobs...

Most very highly educated professionals will have their first baby between 28 to 34-ish. (Despite the laughable anecdata on here that all the 'highly educated professionals' don't start having babies till they're 46!)

I agree with this. It makes me wonder if all the posters who saying they had the first at 43 and the second at 45 full of BS. I've met one or two people in my whole life who successfully started their families over 40 without intervention. I know a few people like myself who had their last child around this age. Your chance of conceiving over 40 is about 5%. The huge numbers of 40 + first time mothers on mumsnet don't tally with reality.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 03/09/2023 23:23

The people saying you shouldn’t have a child in your 40s because adults in their 20s should be enjoying life, travelling, studying etc rather than worrying about elderly parents. Presumably these people think they also shouldn’t ruin the carefree fun of their twenties by having children, so are they saying there is just a short window of ten years from around 27 to 37 when it’s acceptable to have children?

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 03/09/2023 23:23

Op- if you want a baby, go for it

You probably know time is against you but no harm in trying.

Canthave2manycats · 03/09/2023 23:22

Honestcupoftea · 03/09/2023 22:37

I disliked having an older mum. So it made me want kids as young as possible. I’ve been caring for my mum now past few years whilst managing children and work. None of my friends in same boat. Their parents help them, not other way round. But if I’d waited til her age to have them, my kids would never have known their grandparents. And I didn’t want that. I never really knew mine.

My mum had me when she was just 19, a year and a half after she got married at 18.

I lost her when she was 62, and my children were just 9, 7 and 3.

My youngest was born when I was 40. I don't look or act my age and none of my kids has ever been concerned about my age!

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 03/09/2023 23:21

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer

Most highly educated professionals 😂

Is that a technical term?!

This mythical demographic have their babies between 28 and 32 according to you? Care to share a link?

It's widely known that women who have a higher level of education and pursue meaningful careers tend to have babies later.

It's swings and roundabouts isn't it?
There are advantages and disadvantages to having babies earlier and later. Just like there are advantages and disadvantages to having an only child v siblings, etc etc.

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer

You really seem set on critiquing older mums, to the extent of spouting a load of old cobblers. Is there a reason for that?

Dungeonsandwagons · 03/09/2023 23:20

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MintJulia · 03/09/2023 23:20

So many people will tell you doom-laden stories about the statistics on here, Mumsnet has a distinctly ageist tone on occasions.

All I can say is try naturally. If you are fit and of a healthy weight, eat well and look after yourself, there is no reason why you should not conceive naturally. Our bodies often go through a period of increased fertility before menopause so a baby at this age is really not that rare.

I had ds when I was 45+2, My dm had my little sis when she was 44+5. All fine, no issues, born naturally. So no, yanbu.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 03/09/2023 23:20

ReluctantFishLady · 03/09/2023 23:19

Hmm having my mum mistaken for my gran versus having never existed at all. Which option would I choose? Its a tough one!

Right?! Who cares. My Mum gets mistaken for my sister occasionally. So it goes.

Stripeybee · 03/09/2023 23:19

Hi, I had a baby at 44 - it was through IVF but my own eggs. I’d had 3 ectopic pregnancies and a previous round of IVF over the course of 13 years. When I asked friends and family if I was too old at 43 to try one last time they all said “go for it”. It was the best decision for me and I’ve never regretted it.
Good luck with whatever you decide ❤️

Ladyj84 · 03/09/2023 23:19

Had my first at 27, my 2nd at 38, my twins at 40 no problems with any and seems too run in family. My youngest brothers my mum had early 40s my aunt's all had there's in 40s

ReluctantFishLady · 03/09/2023 23:19

Hmm having my mum mistaken for my gran versus having never existed at all. Which option would I choose? Its a tough one!

Dungeonsandwagons · 03/09/2023 23:18

There’s a clear (statistically proven) link between socioeconomic status and age of giving birth. Lower socioeconomic women tend to have children very young and middle class women tend to have them mid-30s and up.

In my NCT the youngest was 27 - and she was the youngest by 5 years. Most were 35-39.

Also women who give birth when older and more established in their careers tend to have more successful children

Serendipitoushedgehog · 03/09/2023 23:17

My cousin just had one at 42. It happens. I wouldn’t focus so much on what your mum is saying and her motives. What do you want?

Remembervoguingatschool · 03/09/2023 23:16

I’m detecting some kind of issue/bitterness @PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer quite odd

Ringdoodledumpling · 03/09/2023 23:15

I was 44 and post chemo when I had my last one. Told it was impossible. If you want to do it, do it.

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 03/09/2023 23:12

Usernamen · 03/09/2023 23:07

No they won’t?

Tens of thousands of women have babies in their 40s every year. As if a mid-40s woman is going to be instantly mistaken for a child’s grandmother. Maybe in 1975. But not in 2023. And certainly not in affluent areas.

Show quote history

Yes they will.

marblemad · 03/09/2023 23:12

Give it a go, you never know, I'm in my late 20's and had two miscarriages 5 years ago and I've decided to go see a fertility specialist about my pcos to conceive even if it ends up being alone because the desire to be a mum is now overwhelming and I think if you have even a little bit of a niggle then go for it, if it doesn't happen then at least you tried.

Canthave2manycats · 03/09/2023 23:10

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 03/09/2023 22:29

@Wolfpa

I’m with @PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer

Thank you.

You’re body might allow you to carry a child but what about when they get older? Realistically if you start now you will be closer to 45 if you are able to have a child, what then?

Are you prepared to bring a child into the word who is destined to lose their parents at a relatively young age?

Exactly. People always come up with anecdata about their great auntie Ruth, who lived to 99 and ran a marathon every day and walked 15 miles to work and cycled a 94 mile round trip to the beach every weekend.... And their grandparents and great, great grandparents who lived to 109 and worked for 90 years, and their great aunt Lulu, who is 91 and is out drinking and playing bingo 4 nights a week and still works full time, and has got the health and stamina of a lass four times younger ...

But the reality is that most peoples health will start to decline by their mid 50s - and many will get to the point where they are getting quite a lot of medical issues, having procedures, going to clinics, having hospital visits, taking multiple meds and drugs, and then their young offspring, will possibly have to care for them by the time they (the parents) reach 70 to 75.

At this point the 'child' is only going to be in their early to mid 20s. Do you really want to put a young person through that - practically having to look after an elderly and infirm person - at the point where they should be really enjoying life/travelling/going to uni/doing a masters/forging a career/enjoying nights out and meals and weekends away with friends/concerts and shows etc? How can they do this when they have elderly infirm parents to care for?

Edited

FFS I am 60 and do have medical conditions but I'm not exactly past it!! Really!!!

@Babyat43 if you want to go for it, do. Just be realistic. It might never happen, or it might not be an easy ride. I had babies at 34 and 35 (nearly 36), then miscarriages when I was 38 and 39. I was fortunate to conceive just short of my 40th birthday and had a lovely healthy baby when I was 40.5. I would have loved to have had my kids younger but infertility and miscarriage ensured that didn't happen. I have no regrets.

I was so so lucky. I breastfed my youngest and didn't have another period until I was 43. After that, they became very intermittent, and extremely light, and I don't think I ever had another tiny bleed resembling a period since I was 45. I really did sneak my youngest in within the last chance saloon!!

I used agnus castus from the healthfood store, and having had my miscarriages, I was prescribed baby asprin and progesterone to support my pregnancy.

Maybe it would be a good idea to see a gynaecologist to see how fertile you might still be?

OMGitsnotgood · 03/09/2023 23:09

Illbebythesea · 03/09/2023 23:01

@GonnaGetGoingReturns

Please could some posters stop with the assuming why some women didn’t try for a baby sooner or want children? It’s very personal for some and not just cut and dried.

And yes to those mums who have kids, I’m sure it’s the best thing ever having kids but don’t believe for one moment that us childless women are sobbing into our pillows because we’ve not had kids, every night.

I haven’t seen anyone question op on why she didn’t have kids sooner? Or suggest that people who don’t have kids are miserable? 😵‍💫

If you want a child why haven't you tried to have one before?

for example

Iizzyb · 03/09/2023 23:09

I had ds at 40. Conceived surprisingly quickly. Very healthy pregnancy. I'd say start taking folic acid & have a go & see what happens. Good luck xx

Sunnyswfl · 03/09/2023 23:08

I had my only child, my daughter at 40 and my husband was 43. She is about to turn 13 and she is the best thing that ever happened to me 🩷

Usernamen · 03/09/2023 23:07

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 03/09/2023 22:59

@GonnaGetGoingReturns

I won’t lie and sometimes say i do wonder if a much older person with a young child is their grandparent rather than parent but that’s just me really.

Yep. If most people are honest, they will say the same. They really will @BeaBachinasec

No they won’t?

Tens of thousands of women have babies in their 40s every year. As if a mid-40s woman is going to be instantly mistaken for a child’s grandmother. Maybe in 1975. But not in 2023. And certainly not in affluent areas.