Unreasonable to want a baby at 43?

I still think OP should go for it but this is something I agree with if twins, my partner has 7 year old twins with his ex and she is now starting to really struggle unfortunately. She is 10 years older than he is, and at 45 she has admitted to struggling to keep up with running a business and parent the twins, one of the twins requires additional support and she has now underlying health conditions which we have been supporting her with, this is definitely something to factor in as a mature mother. Also other concerns such as keeping up with activities etc are a concern. We are now going to start trying to have further children and having witnessed her struggles want to do it now as I am late 20's and him mid 30's so we can still keep up with the physical demands of being parents and step parents to all of the children whilst we have the energy to. I think one child should be fine but two at the same time could cause energy concerns and other complications.

I had my son at 43. He has ten fingers and ten toes. He has attitude and panache. He excels at sarcasm and hyperbole. He's as lazy as feck and expensive. We laugh like drains together, argue, I adore him and am so thankful to be his mum. He was conceived naturally and is my only child.

Life is an agonising, wonderful mix of tragedy, confusion and comedy . If you want a baby OP, try for one. There are no rules. Fuck what others think. My best friend died two months ago - she was 63 and got pneumonia fgs.

When I spoke to my mum, she said I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. I don't think she ever wanted me to have children. On the other hand, she begged my sister, the golden child, for grandchildren.

If you do it, do it for you and your DP, not your mother. But I recommend that you stop at one. At your age, the risk of the child being disabled is high. Even if the first child is healthy, the second might not be, and it's hard enough to care for a disabled child without having a second older child as well.

My main issue is that you dont seem to care that you may die young and leave your child motherless. Thats says to me that you have no concept of what you are planning! you say that you know of other families who have lost parents very young, how the hell do you think they would feel about what you have said that "it happens"? Do you honestly think that they would say "Oh bravo, go for it!"? Have you discussed your "if I die early, so be it" plan with your sister?

Seems like your plan depends an awful lot on luck and other people.

Having kids is not something you can wing. Deep thought, planning and the more thought needs to go into it. It really has to be "plan for the worst and hope for the best" and you only seem to be focussing on the latter half of that.

You seem to be the sort of person who lives life in the moment, which is fine up until the point where you bring a child into it. Then you cant live life in the moment. What you are planning to do now is sign off on your current life for the next 20 or so years, longer if you have a child with special needs, and you seem unwilling or unable to see that.

Good luck OP

I had my child three weeks before turning 42. Best thing I ever did. But it’s really hard - & if I were you I wouldn’t do it alone - as I’m now widowed, I know what that entails. Being the menopausal solo parent to an only child will take it all out of you.
But yes - wonderful beyond understanding.

The 'will she/won't she be mistaken for the child's gran' is a silly argument.

Yes, no doubt she might be by some and she might not be by others but so what? It's hardly a reason not to have a baby, is it? 🤷‍♂️

Plus most people are quite diplomatic in their language anyway (unless they're twats), just like when you're not sure if someone is pregnant or just overweight - you don't ask them outright.

In my NCT class I was in the younger half at very late 30s. I know a few who had children at 43 and older. Friend had her 3rd at 47
One of the women who had her first at 40 had her 4th at 46

As long as you are healthy, You take your folic acid and everything is working then there really is no reason to not have one or 2.

I think the ones who will say no you shouldn’t are those who started at a young age and don’t want to go back to the baby stage

Nothing wrong wanting a baby. Given your health, job, lifestyle do you want to be parenting a toddler in 3 years time and so on as your DD/DS grows? You are also more likely to have twins - could you cope financially?
Is your partner keen?
if all that seems to line up go ahead.

I had a baby at 43. Conceived first month of trying, complication-free pregnancy, no issues with tiredness etc, no problems as a very physically active Mum, no drama!

I agree that comment was vile and has unfortunately gone under the radar. I may have had children later, and it may not be ideal in all aspects. I also know someone else in the opposite situation, who was a young mum and grandma and although she has faced hardship in her life, she is doing very well now and three generations of her family are all in good health and enjoying each others company and support.

None of this debate helps the OP much though does it. She can't go back to her 20s or 30s, her choice is now or never really.

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer I'm 45 years older than my ds but have never once been mistaken for his gran 😂

I take care to ensure my health & fitness. Continue to work full time in tech, Ski, cycle and run with my ds. When I first had ds, I was determined that he would have a mum who joined in and that is what I have done.

It can take a little effort sometimes but he's a happy, confident secure person who knows I have his back. We have a strong bond. He has had a good childhood and I've enjoyed every minute.

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer - me too. Wish I hadn't shared now.

Oh my days. The post from the OP at 23.27 has just knocked me sideways. WTF have I just read?! I'm out. I need my bed anyway!

How does your husband/partner feel about it?

This! Love it!!

So.....you are just going to "go for it" on the basis of a thread on mumsnet and a throwaway comment from a nurse, relying on other people to parent this hypothetical child if you cant.

Good plan.

What could possibly go wrong?

I had my first child at 42 (an IVF baby). I had my second at 43 (conceived naturally). My second baby had a genetic condition which has negatively impacted on his life and has had a huge impact on the family. True this can happen at any age but nearly 20 years on at 63 I am just too old and too tired to cope. I love him. I have always loved him. However remember that at 43 the risk of having a child with physical/developmental issues is much greater and you need to be strong enough to cope. I am not strong enough, my health has suffered and although I love my child with every bone in my body- day to day it is hard and harder if you are older.

Forgot to add that, despite my mum being 19 when I was born, her father had died years before. My dad was older but his mother died from breast cancer in her 50s so she was also long gone. My paternal grandfather died when I was 5. How I would have loved to know that man!!

He had 6 sons and 2 daughters. His eldest DD had twins 'out of wedlock' and the girls were reared in the family home. One of them died from diptheria when she was 4/5. The younger DD got pregnant by a married Catholic man (my family wasn't Catholic) and she went off to a convent to give birth and have her child adopted. My grandad sent his oldest son to bring her home to have her baby, and she was welcomed into the family. We're talking 55-65 years ago. Her mum, my aunt, is alive and well in her 90s.

Age is just a number and there are no guarantees!

Fair enough, most of the kids have older siblings - but mostly a 2 year age gap so very late 30s for the first baby. A handful went on to have another one after the child dds age so very firmly in the mid 40s when the child was born.
Does having one pre 40 make you more likely to be able to have another post 40? I e got no idea (1 was enough for me!)

If you had other children then yes, it is too old, for many reasons. But if you want a child then why not go for it, understanding the risks etc. It's a better gamble than never trying.