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Original poster

Unreasonable to want a baby at 43?

260 replies

Babyat43 · 03/09/2023 20:35

I was recently at my Dr surgery for a routine blood test and got talking to the nurse. I said that I wish I had a child, and she said, it's not too late. She said it's possible I could get help with IVF etc.

Am I being unreasonable wanting a child at this age? My best friend thinks I should go for it. When I spoke to my mum, she said I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. I don't think she ever wanted me to have children. On the other hand, she begged my sister, the golden child, for grandchildren.

Can anyone advise me if they managed to get pregnant naturally at this age. I understand there might be more health concerns too.

OP posts:
OMGitsnotgood · 04/09/2023 07:48

But the reality is that most peoples health will start to decline by their mid 50s

What?!

Vettrianofan · 04/09/2023 07:45

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 03/09/2023 22:29

@Wolfpa

I’m with @PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer

Thank you.

You’re body might allow you to carry a child but what about when they get older? Realistically if you start now you will be closer to 45 if you are able to have a child, what then?

Are you prepared to bring a child into the word who is destined to lose their parents at a relatively young age?

Exactly. People always come up with anecdata about their great auntie Ruth, who lived to 99 and ran a marathon every day and walked 15 miles to work and cycled a 94 mile round trip to the beach every weekend.... And their grandparents and great, great grandparents who lived to 109 and worked for 90 years, and their great aunt Lulu, who is 91 and is out drinking and playing bingo 4 nights a week and still works full time, and has got the health and stamina of a lass four times younger ...

But the reality is that most peoples health will start to decline by their mid 50s - and many will get to the point where they are getting quite a lot of medical issues, having procedures, going to clinics, having hospital visits, taking multiple meds and drugs, and then their young offspring, will possibly have to care for them by the time they (the parents) reach 70 to 75.

At this point the 'child' is only going to be in their early to mid 20s. Do you really want to put a young person through that - practically having to look after an elderly and infirm person - at the point where they should be really enjoying life/travelling/going to uni/doing a masters/forging a career/enjoying nights out and meals and weekends away with friends/concerts and shows etc? How can they do this when they have elderly infirm parents to care for?

Edited

My health is utterly f*cked and I am only 40! I have several children though.

Robinbuildsbears · 04/09/2023 07:07

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 03/09/2023 23:27

No I didn't have a baby at that age. I never said I did, but you carry on making stuff up to suit your agenda. I was defending those who did have a baby at 19-21, after the vile post by the poster who said anyone who was a nan at 40 had ruined their life and fucked up the best years of her life - by being a mum early. I see a lot of bitterness on here from a few posters - but I sure ain't one of them.

Funny how no-one (hardly) has called out the poster who was so vile to the poster who said she is a nan at 40. Speaks volumes about the double standards on here (from some.)

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This. Mumsnet is mental. There's so much ageism against women who have children younger than the average of 31.

OMGitsnotgood · 04/09/2023 06:51

My main issue is that you dont seem to care that you may die young and leave your child motherless.

The average life expectancy for a woman in the uk is almost 83. Of course people can die younger but that is true of someone who has a child at any age.

What a mean and ridiculous comment.

GreyhpundGirl · 04/09/2023 05:56

I had my one and only at 43. We weren't especially trying (had the attitude of if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesnt- we'd been married for 7 years, and together a lot longer)

I now have a very happy, healthy 3 year old

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Cucucucu · 04/09/2023 05:36

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/09/2023 00:06

My main issue is that you dont seem to care that you may die young and leave your child motherless. Thats says to me that you have no concept of what you are planning! you say that you know of other families who have lost parents very young, how the hell do you think they would feel about what you have said that "it happens"? Do you honestly think that they would say "Oh bravo, go for it!"? Have you discussed your "if I die early, so be it" plan with your sister?

Seems like your plan depends an awful lot on luck and other people.

Having kids is not something you can wing. Deep thought, planning and the more thought needs to go into it. It really has to be "plan for the worst and hope for the best" and you only seem to be focussing on the latter half of that.

You seem to be the sort of person who lives life in the moment, which is fine up until the point where you bring a child into it. Then you cant live life in the moment. What you are planning to do now is sign off on your current life for the next 20 or so years, longer if you have a child with special needs, and you seem unwilling or unable to see that.

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Yes because all children are well planned , specially those from your parents 🙄.

Cucucucu · 04/09/2023 05:34

The drama about older parents is ridiculous. I had my first at 19 my last one at 40 , my mum had me at 20 and my Nan had her at 43 , she was just retiring when I was born and she was an amazing nan that’s spend most days with me , my parents on the other hand are both still working at 61 and 62 so less time for the grandchildren. Most people live well into their 80s on relatively good health . 40s is far from old or even 60s , most 60 years olds are active and traveling

PostMasting · 04/09/2023 01:57

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junbean · 04/09/2023 01:56

Everybody is different, so it’s impossible to figure out if you’re able by comparing to others. You’d need to see a fertility specialist to access how many eggs you have, hormone levels, etc.

But I just had a baby at 41, I’m quite fertile, conceived the old fashioned way. I’m open to having another in a few years. Some women conceive in their 50’s and above. I heard a lot of stories from ultrasound techs and doctor’s etc. when I was pregnant. Everyone was so enthusiastic about older mothers. It’s funny to me because I feel quite young!

But some women have issues in their 20’s. So there’s no way to know until you get accessed. But other than that if you want to be a mother go for it. There’s lots of positives for being older. I have 3 older kids, all teenagers, and then a 12 year gap between them and my 1yo. I like being older, I feel more relaxed as a person, I have more money now, I know how fast time flies so I’m more present and appreciative of every moment.

PostMasting · 04/09/2023 01:42

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HamBone · 04/09/2023 01:39

Out of my friendship group, people have naturally conceived at 41, 42, 43, 44 and 46.

The 46-year-old (baby born at 47) was a real surprise, he’s a healthy 6ft 15-year-old now!

PostMasting · 04/09/2023 01:37

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BeaBachinasec · 04/09/2023 01:37

My main issue is that you dont seem to care that you may die young and leave your child motherless.

Well, no one would ever have a child if they obsessed about dying and leaving their child motherless, would they?

Firefly1987 · 04/09/2023 01:34

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How many people die at 35 exactly? That's my age-don't scare me! Honestly, the effect of having old parents cannot be underestimated-however I don't think 43 is TOO bad, especially with a younger partner. If the dad was gonna be 10 years older I'd say that was selfish. But I just hate the "argument" that young people can die as well-these are probably the same people that will say "no one should have to bury a child" even though by their logic, young people are dropping all the time everywhere at the same rate as old people...

No problems in my family though-my mum was 41, auntie 43, and according to my family tree-some great-great-great grandmothers and aunts were popping them out regularly over 40 even up to 45 all naturally back then as well of course!

I just wonder if you really want a child though-you didn't seem fussed all the years with your ex, have you always wanted them? Are you SURE you want one now?

Nongatron · 04/09/2023 01:33

If you want a baby go for it op!! I had my third at 43 naturally no ivf required. Life is unpredictable and strange if you want to have a baby give it a go. I had cancer and nobody thought I could have another baby but I did. He’s 14 and completely wonderful. Good luck

PostMasting · 04/09/2023 01:28

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tashx · 04/09/2023 01:26

I had a baby at 44
Not planned
He is my 5th baby

marblemad · 04/09/2023 01:11

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/09/2023 01:05

Aportioning blame for what exactly?! And as a 50 year old mother of 6, with both parents still living I have nothing to be bitter about. But thank you for your concern.

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exactly this, my grandma died at 40, but my great grandmother is currently alive at 95, everyone is different, live your life how you want

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/09/2023 01:05

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Aportioning blame for what exactly?! And as a 50 year old mother of 6, with both parents still living I have nothing to be bitter about. But thank you for your concern.

PostMasting · 04/09/2023 00:56

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PostMasting · 04/09/2023 00:55

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Remembervoguingatschool · 04/09/2023 00:54

😳

PostMasting · 04/09/2023 00:43

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HaileyBailey · 04/09/2023 00:41

I had my first at 39 and my second at 42. Both conceived naturally, the first immediately, the second took almost a year. No complications in either pregnancies. They are 22 and 19 now and I have never been mistaken for a grandmother

PostMasting · 04/09/2023 00:41

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