Unreasonable to want a baby at 43?

I was pregnant within 9 days of having my iud out at 40, had at 41. Then got pregnant pretty much first try at nearly 43 for the second. Only gestational diabetes and major morning sickness to contend with, otherwise completely healthy 1 of each.

I work in elderly care and the average age of my patients is early 90s. There are plenty of fit, healthy, active people in their 60s and 70s and even 80s. Not everyone falls into a decline once they hit 50!

Have a baby ❤️

But the reality is that most peoples health will start to decline by their mid 50s

This reminds me of a friend who was similar age to me and worked with geriatric patients.

To her everyone, by the time they got to 60 was elderly and needed a carer or dead

She desperately wanted children but as her 30th birthday loomed and she wasn’t pregnant she came to terms with never having children as she didn’t want them to lose their mother and father whilst they were young or end up having to care for them both.

No amount of evidence to the contrary would she accept and that nearly all 60+year olds weren’t sat around waiting to die as they were so ill

The only 60+ year olds she knew were the ones on the hospital ward she worked on

Trying to get her to see that the fit and well 60+ she wouldn’t see as they weren’t going to be in hospital

Her own family reinforced her belief
Smoking and drinking to excess and eying fruit, vegetables and sunscreen with suspicion.
Her own 60 year old grandma struggled to walk and considered herself extremely elderly.

When I got pregnant nearly a decade later she was absolutely stunned that I would do something like this considering I would be putting my children in the position of being my carer before they had finished school.
That is where our friendship died

I did see her once when sat at traffic lights driving through her local town years later. Her and her husband looked decades older than their years. She was in a wheelchair with blankets tucked around her looking like she was 90+ rather than the 50+ she was. The same with her dh

In the meantime I run my own business and about to start another, looking at emigrating and do a job where I walk the equivalent of a half marathon most days.
The last I heard of them was them selling their home and moving into a care facility when she was 60 years old

YANBU

Where I live there are a lot of dms who have dc when over 40. I know two in DD's year whose dm's were 45 when they had them. I had dd age 37. I've had more problems and illness than anyone else I know. It's not about age really, more fitness and genetics. You might be disappointed if it doesn't work out but that for me wouldn't be a reason not to try.

@PyongyangKipperbang : I know I’m late to the party, but in case you see this message, I was really wondering… so you have 6 children and elderly parents. Even if they’re not toddlers anymore, 6 children takes a lot of your time if you’re an involved mum. I’m pretty surprised you waste your precious time giving advice to strangers on the internet. I guess you’re really concerned about the children of older parents. Yeah that’s an injustice worth fighting for.

I suspect this was aimed at me, and my issue was that the OP was very much "Oh well, so be it" if she should die while her child was young. That shows to me that she very much doesnt understand or care what effect that might have on the child, which says that she isnt in a position to sign over the years it takes to bring up a child.

Wanting a baby is one thing. Having a baby and bringing that baby up to adulthood is another thing altogether. As I said in my PP, you are signing over at least 18 years to that child. Longer if that child has medical issues, I say that as the mother of a 33 year old with cerebal palsy. And medical issues are more likely to occur the older the parents are when the child is conceived, that is medical fact.

When you have a child your every decision MUST be made with the childs needs in mind as a first thought. That OP hasnt even considered this is why I said that I dont think that she should have a baby. Nothing to do with actual likelihood of and "early" death.

I have two healthy children conceived naturally aged 39 and 41. My pregnancies and deliveries were complication free.

I think IVF has a low success rate aged 43, you might be better just going for it naturally.

Lots of friends/family members still having babies in their 40s so it's not impossible.

Thank you for that. It's the first time in 30 years I've been blamed for my infertility in my early 30s and my relatively early menopause.

Stunned.

So my mother's early menopause had nothing to do with mine?

And where do the "infections" come from? I've only ever slept with one man, my husband.

You don't have a clue.

Being overweight, the infections that cause the partial blockage of the tube, autoimmunity all are causes of early menopause. It’s partly why autoimmune thyroid disorders are now treated properly

Twins at 42 and singleton at 45. Natural

How would you know if you were "way off menopause"?

I was overweight when I had my children. I am not now. I struggled to conceive in my early 30s because my Fallopian tubes were blocked/partially blocked. Once that was sorted, I had no issue getting pregnant, but it did mean I was in my mid 30s having my first two children and 40+ having my third after two miscarriages.

I breastfed my youngest until 20 months - my periods only came back shortly before ending breastfeeding. They were regular for a bit (can't remember) and then they were dribs and drabs and I was post-menopausal by the time I was 45.

I'm educated to Masters level with various other postgrads and my DH is also a graduate with other professional qualifications.

So how do you square my circle?!

My mother was 19 when I was born. Dead before she was 63.

Catch yourself on, 60 isn't old these days! DH and I were 58 when DC3 turned 18. Absolutely no difference to when DC1 turned 18 when we were 52!!

I know many people who had kids in their forties, including my mom and I. None of us had problems. My mom is still alive and well decades later.

My youngest and third child was born when I was 40, and I accepted the risk. It was all good, after two miscarriages at 38 and 39.

When more than one MN poster in a thread understands the difference between % chance/risk (per cycle) and odds ...... I'll keel over from shock.

There was even one poster who wrote "I got pregnant over 39/40 so I'm in the 5%" ...lady, you ain't in the 5% of anything.

one of my nans had her only child at 50. Lived to 90 and saw all her grandchildren grow up. My brother in law died at 46 and didn’t even get to see his son turn 14. You can’t guarantee how long you’ll live or when your kids choose to have their kids. As long as your health and finances are ok go for it.

You'd have been wise to worry at 45. Not so wise to worry at 40.

There is a significant difference.

Your chance of conceiving over 40 is about 5%.

PER CYCLE.

44% risk/chance per year.

As evidenced by the 40 something on the pregnancy choices board every fortnight contemplating a termination.

This does, of course, reduce as you age.

It wasn't optimal for me to have 2 heavy smoker parents who had me early 30s. They both died in their mid 60s from lung cancer. It wasn't optimal. But they were amazing loving parents who gave me the best upbringing they could have and I miss them very much.
Just because it wasn't optimal doesn't mean it shouldn't happen.
It isn't optimal to have a child at 16, or 45, or if you have serious life limiting disabilities. But it doesn't mean these things should never happen and that these people can't be great parents.
Those saying a 40+ year old shouldn't have kids as they might die when the kids are young/ young adults, do you think people with potentially life shortening medical conditions shouldn't have children either?

@MaryMaryVeryContrary your last post has also just validated the argument to have children in your 40s.

@MaryMaryVeryContrary you need to read the studies themselves. But you have answered your own question.

@MaryMaryVeryContrary No it isn’t one or the other. That’s not what I was saying. I was illustrating that there is no optimal time. It depends on the individual. My 30s were not the optional time for me. The optimal time for me is now. I conceived naturally with no issues first time. I already have a five year old son. Maybe your 30s was your optimal time…? And most people get their financial stability and careers in order in their late 30s and 40s. I did and so did my husband and most of our friends. Why do you worry about older people with only children? I think there are many more concerning situation for children that you need to worry about rather than that.